To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

[peevedpartner]

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

Also if you do divorce him now, you would get half of his £400,000, as he would have to declare it

Apart from anything else he is committing tax fraud. If you decide to stay with him (and I agree with most PP that you should think very carefully about this) that has to stop.

Do not go ahead with the house purchase. He sounds absolutely awful. Collect as much evidence of his funds as you can then start the divorce he's so scared of. Your poor kids don't deserve to live with a man like that either.

Only if mum has actually handed it over

Lots of people saying he should ring-fence the gift from his mother. Surely the only way to guarantee this is for his mother to retain a stake in the new house or to establish a trust.

In a 20 year marriage, a financial gift is to him as a married man. And therefore included in the combined assets of the family.

Not necessarily - his mother's gift money could be ringfenced so when they sell the house he gets that amount back before the rest is distributed, for example.

No there are legal ways of doing it. They should see a solicitor together unless OP wants to see a solicitor to discuss all the options including divorce.

OP seriously. A marriage is a partnership. It’s isn’t giving your OH money if he earns that much. It isn’t him trying to ‘protect’ a shared asset. Just because his mum gave him the money doesnt mean you aren’t entitled to half - that’s what a marriage is. Why can he have expensive hobbies and afford all that he does and you can’t? The fact that you are talking about not eating much and not being expensive to keep should be a massive red flag for you.

Stop trying to figure out a way to negotiate and him trying to keep more money. You have kids. Say you are entitled to half as you are married and won’t be signing anything else.

@peevedpartner We were only able to buy our first home due to an inheritance my husband received from his grandmother. I didn't really work while we lived there. Only part time for my husbands business now and we are in our second home. He never ever suggested the house was anything but 50/50. Your relationship sounds toxic and I worry for your children who will see it as a normal dynamic, break the cycle for them, think about if one of your children said the things you have said here about their husband, what would you tell them to do. I don't think for one second you would advise them to stay in that relationship, life is too short.

Op - you owe it to yourself and your children to get some legal advice very quickly. Hell would freeze over before I brought another house with this abuser.

OP please please don't sign up to his 'deal'. It simply benefits him with no regard for his children or you as their mother. This is terribly transactional. I think he absolutely has plans to divorce you and he's trying to get himself in the best financial position he can so he can leave you with very little (in his head).

Look how you've observed him treat his own mother to obtain a considerable sum of money from her.

Honestly, you'd be far better off financially by divorcing him and you can live in your own home where you and your children are free from his monstrous ways.

You were unable to get a diagnosis for your ADHD until you were 40, he's presumably well aware of I'm the impact that had on you but now he's denying his children the opportunity for testing and diagnosis. What an appalling example of a father.

Fair is to ring fence the £400k in his favour but everything else is 50/50.

He needs to choose a house that enables you to be 50:50 owners. If that means a cheaper house, so be it.

You need to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this abuse.

Married & in a miserable relationship for close to 20 years?

@moderndilemma

its quite possible to state that the house has a ring fenced deposit. In divorce proceedings it is then taken into account but she could be awarded a higher percentage of the rest of the property.

Why are you staying with a man who is abusing you and your children? Withholding medical treatment is surely classed as neglect for children?

Stop worrying about houses and inheritance etc and call a solicitor.

So much this.

At the very least, use your £1000 in savings to get some independent legal advice so that you know exactly where you stand. And your options.

But please do have a good think.... do you want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life? But that comes from one of those terrible very soon to be divorced women ;)

I would say fine but im only contributing 25% of my salary to the upkeep of the home, including mortgage and any upkeep. I'd keep the other 25% you would have to pay in a savings account that he doesn't know anything about and protect yourself.

Currently are you 50/50 owners of your property? I wonder if this is his way of getting ready to divorce? So that when you eventually split he is the majority owner and can pay you off so to speak.

You sound like you absolutely fucking hate each other. Life’s too short for that shit

It sounds like you need to divorce now. Then you’ll hopefully get 50/50 (if uk). It sounds like he’s planning divorce later, when you’ve signed with the big house 25%. Outflank him now ..

A nice big shiny house is nothing compared to the peace of mind you’d have living in your own place with no-one to berate you just because they feel like it.

You need to sell the current house and initiate divorce proceedings now because by the time your children are grown up, you’ll be an absolute shell of yourself from his constant negativity towards you and general nastiness and that’s no way to live.

Forget about maintaining a veneer of respectability and worrying about what others might think, you need to get out for your own good. Your kids will adapt to the new normal and will understand why, when they’re adults themselves.

what a horrible person you are married to.

It doesn't matter what is on the deeds, if you are married then in the event of a divorce the default assumption is to split all assets 50:50. If you stay married and don't divorce then it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds either as the first one to die can't take it with them.

He is abusive and nasty, and damaging to your children. Given that you are selling up anyway, now would be a good time to take your half and get gone.

You don’t need to argue it out. You just need to see all of the outgoings and all of the bills etc.

if you really don’t think you can do that then tell him you’ll see a solicitor about his proposal and be in touch.

You say you’d never leave him so I guess you don’t have much choice but to agree? Presumably if you don’t he’ll threaten to divorce you again or by somewhere in his sole name?

I'd have got rid of this bloke yonks ago. He would not suit my lifestyle. Re-read what you have written in your post objectively and ask yourself:'If that was not I who had written it, what advice would I give the OP?' I knew a couple, not a million miles from me with a domineering husband and the wife became the most bitter old lady I have ever met. He squashed every suggestion, dream, and hope she had. But they were another generation and are long gone. Does this type of male still prevail?