How do I approach my DM about childcare issues

[andanotherproblem]

I’m close to my DM, she helps me a great deal with my DD, when me and DO work she’ll have her no bother and is a really great GM. The issue is my 1 year old DD always happens to do something when she’s there, she’ll come back with bruises on her head because she’s banged her head or they nipped her skin getting her into the pram, I’ve tried really hard not to be overbearing and controlling but today she’s allowed her to get sunburned, it’s only a little at the bottom of her leg but I’m so angry, she said she put sun cream but she mustn’t have done it properly as I’ve took her out in hotter weather and not had an issue. How do I approach this? I’m constantly worrying when she’s there, I know things happen but I just feel she doesn’t watch her properly/doesn’t think always blames someone else. What would you do?

Pay for childcare ?

I wouldn’t have a problem paying for childcare, I’m asking how to approach the situation with my DM without being rude

There is nothing you can do. If you accuse her of not looking after your daughter properly, what do you think will happen? She’ll say “of course you’re right, I’ll improve” or she’ll be upset and defensive?

Your only options are suck it up or don’t use her for childcare.

How old is your mother? Looking after toddlers is hard work. I'm in my 30's but mine runs me ragged. I think it's best you find alternative childcare and tell your mum you really appreciate everything shes done for you but you feel your daughter would benefit from nursery to socialise with other children.

I really don’t want to upset her as I know how much she loves DD and despite everything she does mean well but at the same time, can I keep ignoring incidents with DD, what if something more severe happens and I never said anything? I don’t know if I’m being dramatic

If you are contstantly worrying about her when she is there and you don’t think she looks after her properly, then either tell her or pay for childcare . There is no right way to tell her by the way . It’s up to you how you tell her .

Tell her you want DD to start mixing with other children. That way DM won’t think it’s because of her

You have posted about this before haven't you?

Stop using an abuser/neglecter as a childcare option. If you continue to do so, it makes YOU a neglectful parent. You don't confront her, you say it's not working out and you find alternative childcare provision. It doesn't matter how great you think she is as a grandma, she either can't or won't adequately look after your child and it doesn't matter which it is, end result is the same. Contact between DC and DGM needs to be supervised only.

I haven’t posted about this before and I have never said she’s an abuser

I am the one calling her a potential abuser. Your DD goes to her fine and comes home with bruises. That's not ok. It's not something you tiptoe around trying to avoid hurting grandmas feelings. Your child's welfare comes first, not grandmas feelings. If she's not abusing DD then she's neglecting her. Both are bad. Neither is acceptable. Stop using her for childcare.

’Today she’s allowed her to get sunburned, it’s only a little at the bottom of her leg but I’m so angry, she said she put sun cream but she mustn’t have done it properly’

Why are you so angry? This is so sad - she’s your own mother, and you’re treating her like dirt. She’s obviously trying her best and it’s bloody hard work looking after young children when you’re getting on in years. Put your hand in your pocket and pay for childcare - that’s not what your mother is for. She should be able to build a relationship and have happy times with your daughter without worrying about making mistakes, not being perfect, falling short of your unrealistic expectations and you being pissed off with her. Poor woman :(

Op, I read a story of a GM in the USA who let her daughter’s first child drown by accident at 16 months, and then the second child she left in the car in Florida, and they died too at 7 months old.

Sometimes grandparents are just not appropriate, suitable carers for babies and professional childcare is required.

You say, ‘thanks for all your help mum. I’m going to put Sally into our local nursery, but I really appreciate all the support you’ve given us up to this point’.

All toddlers will get bruises! Mine falls multiple times a day, most of the time I'm right next to him! I think it's unfair to say shes an abuser. Not applying sun cream correctly so a small patch was burned is human error, unfortunate but it happens. OP does need to pay for childcare though.

I agree with others, it sounds a lot easier just to pay for childcare. I don’t think the examples you’ve given are that significant, kids get bruised, it’s easy to miss a bit when putting on sun cream but they’re making you uncomfortable so it’s probably time to change the arrangement. My DD came back from being out with Grandma with a split lip (she fell down), I could give lots of other examples of minor and usual childhood accidents and they can happen with any adult present. Don’t expect nursery to be any different though, banging heads, cuts and scrapes, other kids hitting, it’s all very normal. Or as you say that when she’s with you the type of things that happen with Grandma don’t happen then you could consider being a SAHP.

Don't care. THIS toddler is getting sufficient numbers of bruises to be notable, always when in care of grandma, every visit and it's enough to concern the OP. If it was ordinary everyday bruises the DC would be getting them wherever she was, but that's not the situation here.

I originally thought the OP sounded just like a previous one where that grandma was potentially deliberately abusing the DC (by the nature of the "accidents" grandma claimed were occurring to cause the injuries).

Even in this case, we don't know grandma isn't eg hitting the child with a stick or something. Any child coming back from visits with bruises each time is potentially being abused. In this case OP doesn't need to go to police or anything but certainly shouldn't be leaving DC in sole charge of grandma any more. Whether abuse or neglect, bruises are occurring. It doesn't matter if it's "just" because a loving grandma isn't upto the job, end result for the child is the same: unnecessary injuries. It's not that hard to rub a bit of sunblock on a child either and to ensure they don't spend too long in the sun regardless.

The choice as I see it is - continue as is with your Mum who you do trust despite what you’ve said. You run the risk of upsetting her by whisking your D off to alternate childcare, Grandma left feeling passed over and inadequate and missing her grand-daughter.

Or enrolling your daughter in paid child-care, aware of the pros & cons of that. Pros being socialization with others (important ), & you feeling she is being watched a little closer, but and I say this guardedly- she will most likely fall sick more often as child-care places face a constant round of flues/colds etc.

Why not try half time with your Mum and half in day-care? It’ll give your mum her granddaughter time, whilst letting her have a quieter few days afterwards each week.

How long as she been caring for your DD? Have you baby proofed her house?

I wouldn't worry too much about sunburn if it was just on her leg. You have to remember your mom is probably elderly and won't be as detailed as you. I would still tell her, "mom, please remember to put her sunscreen when you take her out".

However, given its free childcare you have to be very mindful that you speak to her nicely so she won't get offended. When my DM takes care of my baby she sometimes isn't as careful as I'd be but I feel is a better choice than babysitters.

You're being negligent if you allow this to continue. It's your job to protect DD.
Take your DM out with DD and have fun together, don't use her for free child care then moan when she clearly isn't up to the task. You can say you want DD to develop her social skills in a nursery mixing with other DC.

Pay for childcare, say you are working less hours in order not to offend her. If you are OTT concerned visit with the grandchildren.

You pay for childcare and blame it on the need for DD to socialize with other children.

Whatever the case may be, your mother is not up for the responsibility. It could be her age, or it could just be generational, as parents did things differently 30 plus years ago, but the bottom line is that your daughter is too young to protect herself and it is your job to advocate on her behalf.

She isn't getting bruised and burned with you, so clearly, it is not the same level of care. It sounds like you have a decent relationship with your mother, so if you are trying to preserve her feelings, then find a polite excuse and stick to it. I probably wouldn't leave DD alone with her again if I were you.

How is the OP "treating her mother like dirt"? She is just worried that her kid is coming home from Grandma's with bruises and now a sunburn. Being worried about your mother's ability to care for your child is hardly the same as "treating her like dirt."

Pay for child care. Say whatever you like to your DM that you think she will accept. She'll probably be vastly relieved anyway, but it doesn't matter if she's not, only your child's safety matters.

You say:
I'm really worried about all these injuries DC is getting. What's the best way to keep her completely safe?
That way you're inviting her in as part of the solution not accusing her. If she can't or won't engage, then you have your answer.

Your first responsibility is to your daughter and her safety, before your mother's feelings. If you feel she isn't safe with your mother, then you need to move her to paid childcare. Often toddlers learning to walk do get quite a few bumps and bruises, but you think this is excessive? One little bit of sunburn could happen. You don't feel relaxed when she's with your mother, so maybe the nursery will provide more peace of mind? That's worth something.

She'll get bruises at nursery and school.