How do I approach my DM about childcare issues

[andanotherproblem]

I’m close to my DM, she helps me a great deal with my DD, when me and DO work she’ll have her no bother and is a really great GM. The issue is my 1 year old DD always happens to do something when she’s there, she’ll come back with bruises on her head because she’s banged her head or they nipped her skin getting her into the pram, I’ve tried really hard not to be overbearing and controlling but today she’s allowed her to get sunburned, it’s only a little at the bottom of her leg but I’m so angry, she said she put sun cream but she mustn’t have done it properly as I’ve took her out in hotter weather and not had an issue. How do I approach this? I’m constantly worrying when she’s there, I know things happen but I just feel she doesn’t watch her properly/doesn’t think always blames someone else. What would you do?

She sounds neglectful. Sometimes older people aren’t as careful with small children as they forget what’s needed to keep them safe. They don’t have quick reactions or foresight. I see this with our grandparents

Does she get bruises with you? (Some kids are dare devils)
it’s tricky, your options are continue and accept your mum is not paying attention/doing a good enough job.
sit down and ask her to be more careful, but this is likely to cause offence.
Move the childcare to a provider and say it’s because you want her to play with other kids etc.

The third option might be the easiest all round.

You could put sun screen on your DC before she goes to her Granny. Your DC may be too quick for Granny to deal with.

My parents aren’t the best with sunscreen when they have DS so I tend to send him in coolish but longer sleeves and trousers and say he has to wear a hat etc. I always put sunscreen on when getting him dressed (when he’s naked because grandparents take clothes off and then just hope for the best …. Not a lot you can do really. They have accidents. The get sun burned. Grandparents will likely feel bad and that particular circumstance won’t happen again.

There is no tactful way to say she needs to do a better job.

what you can do is pay for childcare and have your mother watch your child for shorter periods of time or just do visits depending on how bad this is. I suspect that grandma can still handle the odd babysitting job, but without the pressure of a long day, things may go better.

I think if you can't be direct, then you either have to suck it up or accept that this is not the right childcare arrangement for you.

"DM, I'm a bit concerned that DD keeps coming home hurt. Is there anything we can help you with? Are you ok to keep having her now she's getting more mobile and into everything?"

Occasionally getting a bruise is normal but to this extent is neglect and also things like getting her skin caught when putting seatbelt etc on?!?! THAT isn’t brain surgery to be careful doing!!! She’s still a baby not a toddler too!! I cried myself when my toddler fell over and banged her head and ended up with an egg! That is normal behavior not this oh well she’s hurt hurt herself again!

OP someone has asked you how old is your mother? I will ask this too. I at 70 would be a very different GM to when I was one in my 50s. I don’t think I could really be as observant/fast off the mark physically or mentally able to look after grandchildren as I was when younger. My hearing and eye sight for starters are not as good! Of course she loves GD but maybe best to find other care and be there with your DD when visiting your mum.

How old is your Mother ?

Hi op I would have to be there at the same time you need eyes in the back of your head at that age maybe she isn’t watching her closely enough. I would be right behind my 1 year old or sitting close enough to grab her if she fell. Yes kids do have falls and things happen but maybe she’s a bit too laid back having brought her own up or she’s forgotten how much they need watching. It might just be worth saying mum are you happy looking after dd as I know you have to watch her like a hawk if she says no she’s fine give her 1 more chance and if something happens just say I think she’s too much for you I’m not happy with the accidents. At the end of the day dd comes before your mum.

Agree here.

Toddlers that are newly walking and discovering the world get bruises; she’d get them at nursery too.

The pinching skin getting her into the pram and the sunburn isn’t great, and could be symptomatic of her not really coping with the demands of a busy young toddler, but depends how regularly these type of incidents are actually occurring. If it’s not regular then just tell your mum she missed a bit of suncream yesterday and maybe think about slathering on the p20 in the morning yourself for the rest of the summer. If it is regular and mum isn’t really managing then you’ll have to move DD to paid childcare.

Do you actually notice these things more because she is with your mum?
My daughter in particular is constantly covered in bruises, I don't know what she does!
It sounds like you are accusing your mum of being neglectful when bumps and bruises are quite common. I am also guilty of missing a bit and my son getting sunburnt.

I think as others have said the best thing to do is send your child to nursery. They will then fill in accident slips for anything big and you can then not have the worry of whether it is your mum being a bit careless.

Would you consider less hours with DM and put in childcare for the reminder? It may be too much for her now that shes older. You could just say that you want to take some of the strain off her.

You could just say that you think nursery will benefit your DD for the socialising so you are going to send her there whilst your working and GM can have time with you and DD on days off.
If your mum was a good parent it may be that her age is making the care a struggle for her. She might want to do less but feel obliged to help.

You should cover your child in sun cream that last all day when bringing her to MIL. Remember in her day we weren’t all into sun cream etc. also one tear olds bump their heads as they are just learning to walk etc.

Do you in your gut feel she’s capable of being sufficiently safe? Sadly my mum really wasn’t nor did she have the physical strength so she only babysat the kids when much older ie age 4

Tell her you've decided to send DD to nursery because you think it will very good for her to socialise and learn with other DC. Make sure your mum has lots of contact with DD when you're there and you should be able to get your DD into an environment you feel is safer without hurting your mum.

You know your mother better than us, will she be receptive or defensive. If she’s going to be defensive then she probably won’t be receptive to feedback/ criticism. At the end of the day if you are constantly worrying about your child’s welfare when she is in someone else’s care, then it’s time to find someone else.

I think that you could be over reacting. Most babies /toddlers will knock themselves at some point resulting in bruising. Also, I think that there are few people who have never missed a patch of skin when applying suncream

Wow

It may well be that grandma is looking after the child properly, and the bruises, etc, are just the sort of things that happen at that age. On the other hand, it might be that grandma is not very good at foreseeing risks. Whatever the reason, the OP appears to be very anxious about leaving her child with her Mum and it's probable that that anxiety cannot now be dispelled.

As others have said, perhaps it would be better for the OP to pay for child care, if only to dispel the constant anxiety when she leaves the child with her Mum. I thought the suggestion that she could say she would like her child to mix with other children was a good one.

I look after my dgd regularly, and if it’s going to be a sunny day, my dd coats her in sunscreen so it’s one less thing for me to think about. In fact I used to do that when my dc were little and I dropped them at nursery - always put the cream on before drop off.

Your DM is sacrificing a good deal of her retirement to provide you with free childcare, for a one year old, paid childcare for this group is either unavailable or very expensive. So I don't think it's reasonable to be overbearing or controlling. It is a long time since your mother looked after a one year old, and standards are far higher now.
You have to decide , either you are overreacting and should stop obsessing, or your mother is not up to looking after your DD, and you therefore need to make alternative arrangements.

My kids also had lots of bruises at that age as v active. Got them at home and at childcare. My middle child got sunburned today because nana didn’t put suncream on her this morning. I won’t even tell her. Unless we are talking about significant injuries here, you might be overreacting. Your suncream comment suggests you are overreacting.