How do I approach my DM about childcare issues

[andanotherproblem]

I’m close to my DM, she helps me a great deal with my DD, when me and DO work she’ll have her no bother and is a really great GM. The issue is my 1 year old DD always happens to do something when she’s there, she’ll come back with bruises on her head because she’s banged her head or they nipped her skin getting her into the pram, I’ve tried really hard not to be overbearing and controlling but today she’s allowed her to get sunburned, it’s only a little at the bottom of her leg but I’m so angry, she said she put sun cream but she mustn’t have done it properly as I’ve took her out in hotter weather and not had an issue. How do I approach this? I’m constantly worrying when she’s there, I know things happen but I just feel she doesn’t watch her properly/doesn’t think always blames someone else. What would you do?

I'd tell her that the health visitor told you that your child needs to mix with other toddlers on a regular basis now and so she told you you should really be sending her to a childminder now.

Say that it's a new thing that recent governments have introduced called Early Years Education/EYFS etc

I’m not being harsh but there are only two possibilities here:

Your mum isn’t up to keeping up with your toddler which is resulting in injuries.

Your mum could keep up with your toddler and take better care of her but is choosing not to.

Whichever one it is she isn’t a safe enough care giver and you should pay for childcare and let her just be an old fashioned, living and involved grandparent without sole care responsibilities.

If this was professional childcare you would remove her or sack the carer.

Childcare for a toddler is hard work and maybe your mum is finding it a bit much.

Move your child to a nursery/childminder and let grandma do babysitting and fun/short visits where you pack everything and make sure suncream is applied beforehand.

Mmm I probably couldn't get worked up about this. I've missed. a spot when putting sun cream on before. I felt terrible but accept that It happen to the best of us particularly on legs and arms etc

“Mum I’m not sure if you’re aware but DD came home with sunburn today. Could you try to put cream on her more often/more carefully please.”

Get better sunscreen- P50 can usually just be applied once unless on the beach and in and out of water. Or pay for childcare, latter is vastly more expensive.

She sounds like a loving mum and granny who is knackered...

You say "mum a 1 yr old is a lot.
I want you to enjoy your time with her not be run ragged"

You ignore her protests and you put your dd in paid childcare.

Then you tell your mum you love her amd appreciate her repeatedly...

you also ask her to babysit when dds asleep a few times per month so she feels useful..

Once your dd is about 3/3.5 she'll be much easier for your mum to look after.

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This is a really tough one which I can really empathise with! The way I approach it with my own DM is to just say it really straight 😂. Much harder to do with the in laws but when it’s my own parents I just say ‘you can’t do that/make sure you do this/don’t let XYZ happen’ etc etc. not gonna lie this does take a lot of additional labour and I’m much more relaxed on the days that DD is at nursery 😅.

I think unfortunately this is potentially a sign that she’s not suitable childcare for a young child. My DF now has my 6 yo for occasional days but I wouldn’t leave him with my 3 yo for these sorts of reasons. Mostly though, as you say I think he just doesn’t think about the risks and foresee things like I would. I agree with other OPs that the best way to deal with that is be really direct about what is allowed or not allowed. For sun safety I do not trust him to apply the cream adequately or when required - he just isn’t conscious of the risks to the same level as us - so I will apply all day cream at the start of the day before they go out as a base layer and ask them to top up.
only you will know whether your child is safe or not. Sorry no advice as to how to deal with the situation, other than reduce care to shorter periods when you’re either able to supervise or really ring fence the activities. Otherwise I would default to paid childcare.

I agree children get bumps and bruises in whatever the setting. I don’t think OP is overreacting about sunburn. I would be very upset about that and think OP can legitimately feel that way.

Umm yeah you are. You aren’t perfect and a bit of sunburn can unfortunately happen. She put Suncream on so leave it. There isn’t any need to be ‘so angry’ or confront her or make a big deal out of it. Everything isn’t the end of the world.

I’d suggest doing a tally of minor injuries over the days they spend with you.

Its possibly tye same, just you Dont report then at the end of the day.

We looked after our DGS and DGD a lot before they went to school (even though they were in nursery some days) and it was hard work indeed. I was then "only" abt 63. Now at 73 I wouldn't consider looking after such young children for more than a few hours at a time - maybe 9-1 including a playgroup and lunch at home. I'd avoid the park like mad! And I was the most careful, fussy GM on earth. Even so, I "failed" to stop my GD from tripping up a step and knocking an upper front tooth almost out. Fortunately DD didn't blame me cos it was the only accident she ever had in our care, and didn't affect her later. I still feel dreadful about it though. I got more stick from DD when I lost the folding changing mat on a day at the park!!

As for it getting easier when they are a bit older, not with my GD - she developed into a little madam, testing us out boldly and ignoring our instructions, she was so rude that we started to dread having her. Now at 11 she is thankfully a delightful girl, if a tad demanding of attention, but of course we aren't needed any more.

My elder DD is about to conceive her first child via IVF (fourth attempt, after a miscarriage). I had designs on moving the 200 miles to where she lives to give childcare but realistically I wouldn't be capable any more. It's a case of "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". So sad for me, but it's safer if I admit my likely ability to be safe.

That said, some younger grans are less careful than me so age is not necessarily a barrier.

Pay for childcare. It's a reason why I politely declined family childcare, it can soon get awkward.

Your child is coming back from your mother's care with bruises on her head and cuts? and now sunburn.

Your mom isn't able to safely care for your 1 year old. She's not an adequate caregiver for whatever reason.

It's your duty to act in your child's best interests and place her in safe care and you've got serious doubts about your mom's care of her.

Will your mom's feelings be hurt? Maybe. Hurt kids trump hurt feelings though. Just approach it matter of factly, I'm putting X in daycare. She needs socialization and things they do with kids (that you can't). You don't have to say the last bit unless she throws a fit.

I've seen grandmothers doing care that shouldn't have been and kids ended up in the hospital as a result. Better safe than sorry.

I think toddlers get minor injuries all the time! And I just got sunburnt on my feet because I forgot to put sunscreen on them, these things happen. I have a good relationship with my mom and I'd just ask to please remember DD's feet next time as she got burnt there. I could even do it in an irritated way and it'll be fine because she's my mom.

There’s no polite way to say “do better”. She isn’t up to the standards you expect, either lower your standards or make alternative childcare arrangements.

Would you consider less hours with DM and put in childcare for the reminder? It may be too much for her now that shes older. You could just say that you want to take some of the strain off her.

Pay for professional childcare

Know exactly where you're coming from 👍

I suspect you are over-reacting or looking for a reason not to have your DM as childcare. My DCs were always covered in bruises (whether at nursery or with their nanny or their DF) because they were very active. This thread does remind me of why I have no intention to ever provide anything other than emergency childcare for DGCs. Thankfully it makes way more economic sense for me to focus on work and help financially when needed because looking after under 3s is definitely not something I would enjoy.

How is OP treating her mum 'like dirt'? She is understandably concerned about the number of accidents and small injuries that are occurring when her mum looks after her daughter. If these things were regularly happening in another childcare setting, she could make a complaint and no-one would think she was being unreasonable.

She hasn't been horrible about her mum, she is just asking for advice. She has said that she would be happy to pay for child care but the issue is raising this with her mum who will be upset and offended.

My daughter is clumsy. Has been since a baby. I dreaded sending her to nursery as she always had done something (like run into the table for seemingly no reason at all!) and I was worried I’d be accused of something but she did the exact same at nursery . It’s a good week if she hasn’t come back with a bruised knee.

Some kids are just like that. Now you can get antsy about it, and loose free childcare or accept that this is just one of those things. Missing suncream happens to the best of us- next time we make sure we’ve covered completely. It’s not worth upsetting your mum over.

It always blows my mind how many posters prioritise the feelings of the adult instead of the child. GM gets so much of a benefit of a doubt here and it sometimes feels like parents have each others backs when the child here should be top priority. OP, trust your gut and remove your child from her care that you cannot supervise. Your responsibility is towards your child, not your mother.