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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suspected narcissist mother starting to scare me

85 replies

Ihaveonedaughter · 10/08/2025 23:42

My mum is nearing the end of life after a battle with a neurological condition. She is quite weak and frail but in other ways has the whole deck of cards mentally. However, the last few times I've been to see my parents my mum has been increadingly bitter, angry and nasty towards me. I have a big birthday in early September and my mum gave me a birthday card today and told me she hadn't written in it because I could re use it and I needed to learn to stop spending money. Other nasty comments such as when my daughter asked my mum what I was like as a baby, mum could only say negative things such as I cried and wailed a lot, I was always hungry. My daughter looked upset it was all so negative. Sometimes she will refer to me as a slot because I had a few boyfriends in my teenage years / early twenties.

Last time we visited she told me she'd rather leave everything to my sister in her will as my sister has less and works a temp job etc.

Feel very sad it has come to this I feel my mum honestly hates me and certainly doesn't feel love.
Aibu to go no contact for a while even though mum is close to dying? It is hard because even though my dad doesn't defend me i know he would miss the children if we went no contact. Also i arrange a lot for my dad all of his online shopping, get his laptop fixed, just always tried to be helpful. I know he is struggling with my mum.
Tia x

OP posts:
Rosegoldy · 11/08/2025 18:08

Myfansbroken · 11/08/2025 13:06

Yes. Your dad could have written a few words in a card, absolutely. My health is so damaged by stress related conditions as a result if my family I will never recover. Start looking after yourself. Your dc need you.

Show quote history

I have recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and my consultant said that they are overwhelmingly the burden of women, often those with poor childhood experiences, poor relationship experiences and very stressful lives due to caring for others.

The health consequences for women are enormous.
Gabor Mate is very interesting to listen to on the subject.

It is never too late to try to help ourselves by putting ourselves first, finally.....when no one else will.

We pay an enormous price when we don't.

PinkCampervan · 11/08/2025 18:26

Ihaveonedaughter · 11/08/2025 06:21

Sorry it was late last night, I suppose I mean how can you get over it. I feel really heartbroken. There was always collusion with mum making horrible jokes about me and dad laughing and them saying nasty things about me. I still hear from other relatives things mum has said about me. Weird things such as she sent an email to all of her brothers and sisters one year before the Christmas lunch I was hosting complaining about the lunch I was giving (beef) and whether she should bring along the meat she wanted to eat. Another time she told my aunt she thought i was going to become a lesbian (my aunt warned me not to date women). At the moment the obsession is I am spending too much money. My husband and I work really long hours running our own business and we do need to outsource some things or the business wouldn't be possible for us together. I think the fact we are working hard and bringing in a little money seems to have made this worse. Especially with my sister not being financially secure.

Show quote history

Well your mother sounds like an utter bitch in your adulthood as well as an active abuser in your childhood. What do you gain from having a relationship with her?

The situation is heartbreaking, you're right. She's nothing like what a mother should be and your father is nothing like what a father should be. They're both a waste of space IMO. it's a kind of grief, you're grieving the parents you never had, the realisation that you never will have those decent loving parents. It's a loss of sorts, a loss of hope I suppose. Even if they're still alive it's a loss you're feeling and it takes time to grieve any loss. It's a process and it'll get easier.

With ordinary grief at a loved one dying, you eventually reach a point you can look back at your memories and smile at the good ones, the happy times you shared and feel glad that you knew them. The grief of losing them is the price you pay for the love shared between you. If you hadn't known them you'd not have the grief but you'd also not have had the love. Recovering looks like moving on with your life without them in it, finding ways to fill the hole they left when they died. Hopefully with something equally as good, although obviously different, since they're irreplaceable.

With toxic parents the grief hits different. For a start a dead person can't help dying, they're not deliberately hurting you. Toxic parents who are still alive absolutely could choose to be different. It's a rejection. They'd rather remain toxic than have you in their life. They'd rather have been toxic whilst you grew up, abusing you rather than brought you up to be a well rounded individual and given you a solid foundation to start life from.

All grief feels like a raw wound, like you've lost a limb. Yet with ordinary grief from death you're aware you once had all the limbs. With toxic parents it's somehow even worse than that, because with the realisation of what they are (abusive), you've lost the opportunity for something fundamental that everyone should have: their parents love. The foundation you thought you stood on is an illusion. You never had their love, so you're not standing on a solid base with a raw wound that needs to heal, you're floundering in space with your feet not touching the floor. There's no solid foundation to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and try to get back to some semblance of normality. You never had normality and have to first figure out what it is before you can start trying to get there. There'll never be any happy memories to look back on. You may even have lost some, as it dawns on you that memories of them you previously thought of as happy times weren't really that, they were only the absence of (or perhaps just a reduction of) abuse at that particular moment. In this grief you're paying the price for a debt you never ran up, they did. There's no flipside to having known them because you never had their love. You were still a child who needed it though.

Healing from that grief doesn't feel like sadness fading and being replaced by warm feelings, it feels like indifference. As you start to heal and process all your emotions, the indifference grows until you no longer care about them at all, they become nothing to you, of less value than a stranger you've never met. Because that stranger has the potential to be a nice person and they don't. Recovering from this kind of grief looks like moving on with your life without them in it, by having chosen to cut out the poison that was them so you can become stronger and learning to build a nice life for yourself, to recognise toxicity in others and stay away from it in future.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 11/08/2025 18:39

PinkCampervan · 11/08/2025 18:26

Well your mother sounds like an utter bitch in your adulthood as well as an active abuser in your childhood. What do you gain from having a relationship with her?

The situation is heartbreaking, you're right. She's nothing like what a mother should be and your father is nothing like what a father should be. They're both a waste of space IMO. it's a kind of grief, you're grieving the parents you never had, the realisation that you never will have those decent loving parents. It's a loss of sorts, a loss of hope I suppose. Even if they're still alive it's a loss you're feeling and it takes time to grieve any loss. It's a process and it'll get easier.

With ordinary grief at a loved one dying, you eventually reach a point you can look back at your memories and smile at the good ones, the happy times you shared and feel glad that you knew them. The grief of losing them is the price you pay for the love shared between you. If you hadn't known them you'd not have the grief but you'd also not have had the love. Recovering looks like moving on with your life without them in it, finding ways to fill the hole they left when they died. Hopefully with something equally as good, although obviously different, since they're irreplaceable.

With toxic parents the grief hits different. For a start a dead person can't help dying, they're not deliberately hurting you. Toxic parents who are still alive absolutely could choose to be different. It's a rejection. They'd rather remain toxic than have you in their life. They'd rather have been toxic whilst you grew up, abusing you rather than brought you up to be a well rounded individual and given you a solid foundation to start life from.

All grief feels like a raw wound, like you've lost a limb. Yet with ordinary grief from death you're aware you once had all the limbs. With toxic parents it's somehow even worse than that, because with the realisation of what they are (abusive), you've lost the opportunity for something fundamental that everyone should have: their parents love. The foundation you thought you stood on is an illusion. You never had their love, so you're not standing on a solid base with a raw wound that needs to heal, you're floundering in space with your feet not touching the floor. There's no solid foundation to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and try to get back to some semblance of normality. You never had normality and have to first figure out what it is before you can start trying to get there. There'll never be any happy memories to look back on. You may even have lost some, as it dawns on you that memories of them you previously thought of as happy times weren't really that, they were only the absence of (or perhaps just a reduction of) abuse at that particular moment. In this grief you're paying the price for a debt you never ran up, they did. There's no flipside to having known them because you never had their love. You were still a child who needed it though.

Healing from that grief doesn't feel like sadness fading and being replaced by warm feelings, it feels like indifference. As you start to heal and process all your emotions, the indifference grows until you no longer care about them at all, they become nothing to you, of less value than a stranger you've never met. Because that stranger has the potential to be a nice person and they don't. Recovering from this kind of grief looks like moving on with your life without them in it, by having chosen to cut out the poison that was them so you can become stronger and learning to build a nice life for yourself, to recognise toxicity in others and stay away from it in future.

Show quote history

Thank you this is really helpful. That is exactly and precisely how I feel, like an injured fox who never had the two legs in the first place. It is a lost and a bewildering place to be in. Ps yes a complete pitch.

OP posts:
Rosegoldy · 11/08/2025 20:14

PinkCampervan · 11/08/2025 18:26

Well your mother sounds like an utter bitch in your adulthood as well as an active abuser in your childhood. What do you gain from having a relationship with her?

The situation is heartbreaking, you're right. She's nothing like what a mother should be and your father is nothing like what a father should be. They're both a waste of space IMO. it's a kind of grief, you're grieving the parents you never had, the realisation that you never will have those decent loving parents. It's a loss of sorts, a loss of hope I suppose. Even if they're still alive it's a loss you're feeling and it takes time to grieve any loss. It's a process and it'll get easier.

With ordinary grief at a loved one dying, you eventually reach a point you can look back at your memories and smile at the good ones, the happy times you shared and feel glad that you knew them. The grief of losing them is the price you pay for the love shared between you. If you hadn't known them you'd not have the grief but you'd also not have had the love. Recovering looks like moving on with your life without them in it, finding ways to fill the hole they left when they died. Hopefully with something equally as good, although obviously different, since they're irreplaceable.

With toxic parents the grief hits different. For a start a dead person can't help dying, they're not deliberately hurting you. Toxic parents who are still alive absolutely could choose to be different. It's a rejection. They'd rather remain toxic than have you in their life. They'd rather have been toxic whilst you grew up, abusing you rather than brought you up to be a well rounded individual and given you a solid foundation to start life from.

All grief feels like a raw wound, like you've lost a limb. Yet with ordinary grief from death you're aware you once had all the limbs. With toxic parents it's somehow even worse than that, because with the realisation of what they are (abusive), you've lost the opportunity for something fundamental that everyone should have: their parents love. The foundation you thought you stood on is an illusion. You never had their love, so you're not standing on a solid base with a raw wound that needs to heal, you're floundering in space with your feet not touching the floor. There's no solid foundation to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and try to get back to some semblance of normality. You never had normality and have to first figure out what it is before you can start trying to get there. There'll never be any happy memories to look back on. You may even have lost some, as it dawns on you that memories of them you previously thought of as happy times weren't really that, they were only the absence of (or perhaps just a reduction of) abuse at that particular moment. In this grief you're paying the price for a debt you never ran up, they did. There's no flipside to having known them because you never had their love. You were still a child who needed it though.

Healing from that grief doesn't feel like sadness fading and being replaced by warm feelings, it feels like indifference. As you start to heal and process all your emotions, the indifference grows until you no longer care about them at all, they become nothing to you, of less value than a stranger you've never met. Because that stranger has the potential to be a nice person and they don't. Recovering from this kind of grief looks like moving on with your life without them in it, by having chosen to cut out the poison that was them so you can become stronger and learning to build a nice life for yourself, to recognise toxicity in others and stay away from it in future.

Show quote history

Good lord that is most impressive 👏👏👏.
I have screen shot your last paragraph because it is textbook how I feel.
Thank you.
Extraordinarily on the money.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 11/08/2025 22:09

Rosegoldy · 11/08/2025 20:14

Good lord that is most impressive 👏👏👏.
I have screen shot your last paragraph because it is textbook how I feel.
Thank you.
Extraordinarily on the money.

Show quote history

Agreed!! So impressive xx

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 11/08/2025 22:21

Ihaveonedaughter · 11/08/2025 22:09

Agreed!! So impressive xx

Show quote history

Definitely. @Ihaveonedaughter am appalled and disgusted by the posters who are trying to tell you #beKind and accept her abuse and nastiness, while of course feeling sorry for your dad as her enabler and co'abuser..
Fuck them both! Leave them and golden sibling to deal with their own mess!

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 11/08/2025 22:34

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 11/08/2025 22:21

Definitely. @Ihaveonedaughter am appalled and disgusted by the posters who are trying to tell you #beKind and accept her abuse and nastiness, while of course feeling sorry for your dad as her enabler and co'abuser..
Fuck them both! Leave them and golden sibling to deal with their own mess!

Show quote history

Thank you @PamIsAVolleyballChamp
The irony is the golden child is a caner / herb smoker and is as much use to my dad as a chocolate teapot! which is probably why he keeps me around and to see my kids. But it's the lack of loyalty and love... it's shocking.
Have been so upset today.
Thanks MNetters for your words of wisdom.
Onwards and upwards somehow xx
and lots more therapy! Lols.

OP posts:
LisiAnne · 02/09/2025 16:08

My sister and I decided even before my mother's end of life care that we would provide care as far as we could without making ourselves ill (mentally and physically). In the end you want to be able to look in the mirror. Please stay in contact with your Dad - I guarantee it hasn't been a bed of roses for him either.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 02/09/2025 18:31

LisiAnne · 02/09/2025 16:08

My sister and I decided even before my mother's end of life care that we would provide care as far as we could without making ourselves ill (mentally and physically). In the end you want to be able to look in the mirror. Please stay in contact with your Dad - I guarantee it hasn't been a bed of roses for him either.

Thanks for posting. My dad has done that thing of swinging between both sides if that makes sense. Neither of my parents have truly been in my corner I always felt my dad more so but he is definitely on my mum's side now. For my very big birthday the people truly in my life now made a lovely effort so i am feeling blessed. Taking a break from my parents for now and just processing everything. My next appointment with my therapist is next week so it will be good to discuss this then. Tbh though I think it has been my mother's need to 'be someone' that has caused this. The narcissism is rampant. If I was on tv / famous/ had gone to Oxford which is what she wanted from me and become a dr she would be very loving towards me I'm sure. It is very sad that she felt she could never just be a normal.human being having normal human relationships. But there we go, we make our ow choices in life. We learn along the way. Thanks for your wisdom mnetters x

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 02/09/2025 18:46

Ihaveonedaughter · 11/08/2025 01:26

Ps @PinkCampervan how do.i get over the anger I have for my dad right now.

Why do you feel you have to "get over" it? You are angry at him, and it sounds as if you have good reason to be.

How you handle that anger should be the question (imho).

My mother was evil, and said and did some very nasty things all my life. I cut her off when my first-born was 4 to spare my child from hearing things that might upset her. I would very much advise you to keep your children away from her.

If your dad complains about misdingbthe kids, give him both barrels - tell him that you are going to protect your child from this nastiness, and you only wish he'd done yhe same.

I am so very sorry you're in such a bad situation.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 02/09/2025 18:53

Rhaidimiddim · 02/09/2025 18:46

Why do you feel you have to "get over" it? You are angry at him, and it sounds as if you have good reason to be.

How you handle that anger should be the question (imho).

My mother was evil, and said and did some very nasty things all my life. I cut her off when my first-born was 4 to spare my child from hearing things that might upset her. I would very much advise you to keep your children away from her.

If your dad complains about misdingbthe kids, give him both barrels - tell him that you are going to protect your child from this nastiness, and you only wish he'd done yhe same.

I am so very sorry you're in such a bad situation.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes, that is how I feel. The last time I went there with my kids my mum told my kids how unhappy I was as a young child and how I wailed a lot (now think that if this happened it was due to emotional neglect). My children were confused. My daughter asked my mum what i was like as a child, and her answers were all negative it was really embarrassing. I had to take over the discussion amd said id always worked hard at school, had piano lessons I had to work hard for. I tried to be funny, was a bit quirky etc to give her a true flavour. But yep I don't want to give my mum the chance to, at the same time, badmouth me and simultaneously gloat about me to friends and family, which she has always done.I sort of think the only reason she has stayed in touch with me as an adult is so that she can use my life stories for bragging rights.

OP posts:
Rosegoldy · 02/09/2025 19:01

Kindly OP, keep that horror away from your children.
How confusing for your children to hear that about your childhood.

Don't ever allow them to be burdened by her again.
She doesn't care about them.

They need you to protect them, just as your father DIDN'T protect you.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 02/09/2025 19:13

Rosegoldy · 02/09/2025 19:01

Kindly OP, keep that horror away from your children.
How confusing for your children to hear that about your childhood.

Don't ever allow them to be burdened by her again.
She doesn't care about them.

They need you to protect them, just as your father DIDN'T protect you.

Agreed agreed.

I will do that and my children are starting to find my mum scary too.
So they wont be subjected any more.
Thank you its so tough when you are in this situation to know what is right and what isn't. But when I right it down on here it sounds concerning doesn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 02/09/2025 19:16

*write it down

OP posts:
Mary46 · 02/09/2025 20:51

Horrible op isnt it. Im low contact with mine one wend visit. Its enough for me mentally. Had alot put downs. Empty card for my 50th lol. I had counselling she said these people dont change mary.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 02/09/2025 20:58

Mary46 · 02/09/2025 20:51

Horrible op isnt it. Im low contact with mine one wend visit. Its enough for me mentally. Had alot put downs. Empty card for my 50th lol. I had counselling she said these people dont change mary.

So sorry it's happening to you too. And the empty card too, wtf! Found out my mum wrote a long message in another relative's 100th birthday card (day before mine). No I don't think they ever change and in my case are becoming more and more overt with their behaviours. How has yours taken the low contact? Did it modify their behaviour a little?

OP posts:
Mary46 · 02/09/2025 21:04

I just say job busy wont get over.. nothing changed. 80s. She will dig x is great to her mam but I say ah they must be close family. Lol. Unfort she always had the upper hand. Dad gave her her own way.

Mary46 · 02/09/2025 21:06

Wouldnt bring her away it be miserable. Siblings feel same. People dont understand it as their family easy

Rosegoldy · 03/09/2025 13:15

Nothing to be gained from explaining stuff to these people.
They run with their own narrative on a loop.
Best to step away and be so busy, unavailable and simply mute them.

It IS very difficult for SOME people to understand the concept of difficult parents.

My casusl friend was like this. She had a "dotey" neighbour whose "awful" children never visited at all. I advised her she hadn't a clue what the real story was, and to be careful.

Of course she knew better and over the months they became increasingly friendly with her eventually hearing little snippets of how awful her children were for avoiding her, and repeating such stories to me when we bumped into each other. I repeated she hadn't a clue what the real story might be, and was only getting one version.

As time went on she roped her husband in to do little jobs for her. He wasn't happy about it but humoured my friend.

One day he was asked about doing some biggish jobs for her in the garden, maintenance and the like, that would actually take several days.

He said he paid for such work to be done in his own garden, but could pass on the number.
She was very sharp with him and called him "work shy" , and a few other choice terms.
He exited quickly and told my friend he was "out" and never to involve him again.

Anyway friend also got it in the ear and was shocked at how she was spoken to, so viciously.

So she too tried to back away but was hounded by her, viciously gossiped about and was very upset by it all.

I ran into her and was more than a bit judgy "told you so"....with fxxk all sympathy for her.

I actually said to her, " now you know why she doesn't see ANY of her children, god love THEM".

"As you judge, so shall you be judged" Mathew 7: 1-2
🤣🤣🙄😂

Hatty65 · 03/09/2025 13:28

Much sympathy OP. I would go very LC. If you do have to see her and she says something snipey I would respond calmly with 'Is this how you want to be remembered Mum?' . If challenged I'd keep repeating, 'Well, you are always negative. Always unpleasant. You can't ever seem to be nice. It's a pity to think this is the impression you are going to leave on everyone, etc'.

Whatever she responds with just keep repeating, 'You just demonstrate it every time you open your mouth. It's a real shame'.

Keep drumming it into her that she's a bitch and that is what everyone will remember!

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 03/09/2025 16:32

Hatty65 · 03/09/2025 13:28

Much sympathy OP. I would go very LC. If you do have to see her and she says something snipey I would respond calmly with 'Is this how you want to be remembered Mum?' . If challenged I'd keep repeating, 'Well, you are always negative. Always unpleasant. You can't ever seem to be nice. It's a pity to think this is the impression you are going to leave on everyone, etc'.

Whatever she responds with just keep repeating, 'You just demonstrate it every time you open your mouth. It's a real shame'.

Keep drumming it into her that she's a bitch and that is what everyone will remember!

That's a really good one! Thank you so much. If I see her again - if - j will use this as will inevitably need to. My mum has been kindly talking about what a miserable child i was for all time (disagreed with by all of my schoolteachers and friends at school I should add). Yep what a legacy to leave behind! Someone felt good that they were able to be nasty to their scapegoat daughter, congratulations mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 03/09/2025 16:33

Rosegoldy · 03/09/2025 13:15

Nothing to be gained from explaining stuff to these people.
They run with their own narrative on a loop.
Best to step away and be so busy, unavailable and simply mute them.

It IS very difficult for SOME people to understand the concept of difficult parents.

My casusl friend was like this. She had a "dotey" neighbour whose "awful" children never visited at all. I advised her she hadn't a clue what the real story was, and to be careful.

Of course she knew better and over the months they became increasingly friendly with her eventually hearing little snippets of how awful her children were for avoiding her, and repeating such stories to me when we bumped into each other. I repeated she hadn't a clue what the real story might be, and was only getting one version.

As time went on she roped her husband in to do little jobs for her. He wasn't happy about it but humoured my friend.

One day he was asked about doing some biggish jobs for her in the garden, maintenance and the like, that would actually take several days.

He said he paid for such work to be done in his own garden, but could pass on the number.
She was very sharp with him and called him "work shy" , and a few other choice terms.
He exited quickly and told my friend he was "out" and never to involve him again.

Anyway friend also got it in the ear and was shocked at how she was spoken to, so viciously.

So she too tried to back away but was hounded by her, viciously gossiped about and was very upset by it all.

I ran into her and was more than a bit judgy "told you so"....with fxxk all sympathy for her.

I actually said to her, " now you know why she doesn't see ANY of her children, god love THEM".

"As you judge, so shall you be judged" Mathew 7: 1-2
🤣🤣🙄😂

Unbelievable! You can't help some people.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 03/09/2025 16:49

@Ihaveonedaughter I have a mother very like yours. I've started to respond with things like 'I know - you tell me every time I come round. Is it necessary to do that every time?' when she criticises me.

When she complains she doesn't see me very often I bluntly said, 'Because you are so critical of me that I go away feeling a bit shit about myself. It means I don't want to visit very often'.

It's quite difficult for her to retain the image of herself as wonderful when I keep being like this every time she is critical. I'm very well aware that she tells people that 'Hatty is difficult and always has been. She's very touchy'. Like you I was criticised for being miserable as a child - with absolutely no self awareness from Mother that perhaps she was the reason.

Original poster
Ihaveonedaughter · 03/09/2025 17:24

Hatty65 · 03/09/2025 16:49

@Ihaveonedaughter I have a mother very like yours. I've started to respond with things like 'I know - you tell me every time I come round. Is it necessary to do that every time?' when she criticises me.

When she complains she doesn't see me very often I bluntly said, 'Because you are so critical of me that I go away feeling a bit shit about myself. It means I don't want to visit very often'.

It's quite difficult for her to retain the image of herself as wonderful when I keep being like this every time she is critical. I'm very well aware that she tells people that 'Hatty is difficult and always has been. She's very touchy'. Like you I was criticised for being miserable as a child - with absolutely no self awareness from Mother that perhaps she was the reason.

Sorry to hear you have gone through it too. It's such a shame we don't know about disorders like narcissistic personality disorders when we are children. What was confusing for me and led to cognitive dissonance was my mum always talking about what a good and nice person she was. Therefore when she was critical of me I assumed she was being honest. Which of course led to patterns of low self esteem and self loathing which in retrospect was what she was wanting for me. So sad.

OP posts:
TammyJones · 03/09/2025 17:29

Hatty65 · 03/09/2025 16:49

@Ihaveonedaughter I have a mother very like yours. I've started to respond with things like 'I know - you tell me every time I come round. Is it necessary to do that every time?' when she criticises me.

When she complains she doesn't see me very often I bluntly said, 'Because you are so critical of me that I go away feeling a bit shit about myself. It means I don't want to visit very often'.

It's quite difficult for her to retain the image of herself as wonderful when I keep being like this every time she is critical. I'm very well aware that she tells people that 'Hatty is difficult and always has been. She's very touchy'. Like you I was criticised for being miserable as a child - with absolutely no self awareness from Mother that perhaps she was the reason.

@hatty65
what did your dm say to that?

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