Suspected narcissist mother starting to scare me

[Ihaveonedaughter]

My mum is nearing the end of life after a battle with a neurological condition. She is quite weak and frail but in other ways has the whole deck of cards mentally. However, the last few times I've been to see my parents my mum has been increadingly bitter, angry and nasty towards me. I have a big birthday in early September and my mum gave me a birthday card today and told me she hadn't written in it because I could re use it and I needed to learn to stop spending money. Other nasty comments such as when my daughter asked my mum what I was like as a baby, mum could only say negative things such as I cried and wailed a lot, I was always hungry. My daughter looked upset it was all so negative. Sometimes she will refer to me as a slot because I had a few boyfriends in my teenage years / early twenties.

Last time we visited she told me she'd rather leave everything to my sister in her will as my sister has less and works a temp job etc.

Feel very sad it has come to this I feel my mum honestly hates me and certainly doesn't feel love.
Aibu to go no contact for a while even though mum is close to dying? It is hard because even though my dad doesn't defend me i know he would miss the children if we went no contact. Also i arrange a lot for my dad all of his online shopping, get his laptop fixed, just always tried to be helpful. I know he is struggling with my mum.
Tia x

i imagine that your father has been brain washed/ abused himself. To live with this nastiness and negativity in your ear everyday must have an effect on him. This does not make this ok that he hasn’t had your corner but gives a reason why.
You need to set boundaries for you and your child’s wellbeing. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and your daughter needs to grow up learning you don’t put up with this behaviour. You putting a boundary in teaches her to do the same in the future.
perhaps once your mum has died you can have the relationship you should have had with your dad.
It’s time to look after you. I hope therapy continues to help you.

Thank you @Autumnnow I think it is best for me to step away, at least for a few months. Thank you for understanding. It is so difficult for people to understand this! My mum is going to spin it that I am an uncaring daughter.

I agree he has been brainwashed by my mum but I feel they have both been so disappointing. My relationship with him could improve on her death but I will never trust him 100%.

I haven’t read all replies so may already have been recommending but read:

You are not the problem … excellent podcast called insight also.

💐

I wouldn't mind betting that the people with whom she'll discuss you being a bad and uncaring daughter, may well know exactly what she's like. But also, anyone who's quick to think badly of you should have no importance in your life. The friends and family who matter will know the truth, you'll know the truth. Worrying what others think is very closely related to feelings of guilt, and you have no reason to feel guilty at all.

Move forward into a happier, less stressful life for your sake and that of your loving family.

I agree and I'm sorry you're going through this.

My "mother" was very similar to yours. She was never short of a nasty comment, an humiliating put down, she seemed to thrive on it. Whatever I did was never good enough. I tried hard to have some sort of semi-decent mother-daughter relationship but it never took off. She wasn't interested in me, the truth is she never had been. It's very difficult to sustain a relationship in those circumstances.
Her birthday cards to me were a joke. I lost count of how many didn't arrive, "lost in the post" was always her claim, though cards from others always arrived.
It would have been easier to deal with her behaviour had she treated my sibling and half-siblings the same way but each of us was assigned either a scapegoat or golden child role and she played one child off against the others on a regular basis. It was a highly toxic environment to grow up in.
I eventually - for the sake of my sanity - went NC. She spun the "uncaring daughter" line too: some believed it, others didn't. She spent the next 30 years badmouthing me to anyone who would listen!
She died last year. I felt sad for a short time, not at the loss of the person she was, but of the mother she could have been.

It's very difficult for people who have not experienced a mother like this to understand how they can be so nasty and unkind because it goes against everything a mother is supposed to represent.
My advice would be follow your gut and put yourself and your wellbeing first, something your mother has spectacularly failed to do. Mentally prepare yourself for the backlash. She may not verbally attack you directly but she may use gullible others to do so. Also, going NC completely changes the family dynamic and there will be some (in my experience) who, recognising there's now a vacancy in the scapegoat department will do everything in their power to make sure it's not them. If you find someone reaching out "to heal the rift" be wary.
It's a horrible situation you're in, OP. Wishing you all the best.

This is completely fair op. I think one of the things that helped me in therapy was firstly as you've said getting to the point of recognising that it wasn't my fault and I deserved better than what I got and seperating my inner child from the abuse itself. But that's hard in its own way because then there's a blame to lay and its difficult when you can't easily hold anyone to account. Eventually I was able to work towards acceptance that this was the reality of my family dynamics and its up to me how much I engage with them. For the most part distance really helped with that but when you've a parent you're also providing any degree of care for that becomes very hard. Even with the distance I found certain things would make it harder again such as when I got married and when I had ds and I could see the difference in how my mum acted around those things compared to how my friends mum's acted and its impossible not to notice. But gradually I go back to acceptance again. It's a type of grief in a way because you don't have the family set up and support and emotional safety that you deserved, and grief comes in waves. Right now yours is maybe compounded by a different type of impending grief despite the relationship being so strained.

There's no one right way to think or feel and as another pp said, you don't need to hurry along your feelings - they're legitimate and the only way through them (unfortunately) is to sit with them and feel them. One thing is for sure though, you're an incredibly strong and resilient person to have made it this far along and to still be compassionate and empathetic.

Oh. I feel so sad for you reading your posts. It's heartbreaking isn't it. I won't bore you with the details of the recent relationship breakdown with my own Mum, 85, but please know that you aren't alone. And please please please buy, rent, borrow or steal (joking!) the book,
"Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lyndsey C Gibson.
I think, without exaggeration, it has changed my life.

@Ihaveonedaughter I hear you. Your posts could have been written by me even down to the comments from M on the blank birthday card, or belittling me to everyone in front of my face or behind my back, or around how much DH and I earn and on and on.

Well done you for staying in contact for so long. I went NC/VLC over a decade ago. And am now dealing with the fall out of what turns out to be a whole toxic family set up across M and her siblings (flying monkeys with narc traits too) as M reaches the end of her life. I am exhausted by the psychodrama of it all.

Sending good wishes and thoughts. Stepping away is all you can do at times. There will be no judgement from me.

Oh and @Ihaveonedaughter your user name really hit home.

The amount of times I have been told "well you only have one Mother" over the years.

Except she only had one child. Me. I was always expected to give her everything, while I only ever got the dregs of whatever mood she was in at one time.

Thank you, this is lovely. It's been a blody nightmare.

So sorry you have been through something similar. I think I will explode if I don't take a break to be honest. I would prefer a permanent break. I still don't understand why people have children for the wrong reasons like this. My sibling is the golden child, of course. I am the one who has always worked harder / been more conscientious / did not rely on my parents for handouts (sibling still does every single month) / gave my parents grandchildren so they had something to show off about etc etc and still this is the treatment I get! It would be laughable if it wasn't so very sad.

Psychodrama is the word! So sorry you are going through something similar. Love your inner child! Mine is currently sobbing on my lap :(

You should just walk away. Your mum has always been like that and your dad has always supported her. It's not healthy for your child to hear your mum being so horrible to you and about you.

Your dad has enabled her behaviour so I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. Let your sister, the golden child, help them both.

Your story is so familiar OP.
Your father chose himself as they very often do in this situation, rather than your safety.
He allowed you be the focus of her nastiness.

Check out therapist Peter Crone on YouTube.
He is very interesting about anger towards parents.

Don't get caught up in trying to resolve your anger.
You deserve to be angry. Feel it.
You cannot go around it.
Feel it and owning it is your best chance of accepting it and eventually moving on.

Her death will bring relief.
Be wary of your father thinking he is now entitled to your time when she is gone.

He sacrificed you completely.
He was the adult, you were the child.

If you focus on your family and knowing that to give them your best, you need to reduce your stress, it might help you.

Posting in your situation can be very helpful.

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. My dad should have written something nice in a birthday card for me x

You need to think about what your poor Dad is going through. He is losing his wife and watching someone dying slowly day in day out is hell

This is why I've tried so hard for so long x

That's a really unfair comment to someone who has endured lifelong narcissistic abuse.

No the OP does NOT need to think of her dad.
Her dad has looked after himself first for years.
Allowing the OP to be abused.

OP needs to think of herself, her children, her husband.
Put herself and her family first.
Mind herself so she can mind her children.

Agreed thank you. It is also the reason why people like me put up with bad behaviour for as long as we do. Until we eventually crack.

Yes. Your dad could have written a few words in a card, absolutely. My health is so damaged by stress related conditions as a result if my family I will never recover. Start looking after yourself. Your dc need you.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Thank you, yes I completely understand. I have stress related issues too. We need to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first for our children xx

And ourselves!!

Completely agree, it's extremely unfair.