AIBU to ask relative to use our actual surname?

[HaagenYAAS]

Husband and I have been married 13 years, one small child.
When we married we decided that we would merge our surnames rather than me take his surname or me keep my own. I know it’s a bit unusual but if felt right for us - a new surname with equal parts taken from each side.
A similar example (not our real name) is that my surname was Mancell and his was Harrison, and we became Manson. It is all legal and done by deed poll, and all our documents etc are all in that name and have been since about a month after the wedding
We told everyone after the wedding and received no negative feedback.
Everyone started sending correspondence to Mrs and Mrs Manson, and then when our daughter was born Miss Manson too. Live continued as normal.
My husband has one relative (his aunt) who only ever sends Christmas cards (and we haven’t seen her since the wedding as she lives abroad and is fairly estranged) but she never uses our actual surname - always Mr and Mrs Harrison (his name).
The cards from her are basic (no chat just to X from Y) but lovely, and we appreciate them. Over the years I have sent personalised Christmas cards that say things like “from The Mansons” on the front etc. and have written “from Bob, Mary, and Rosie Manson” in many cards now, but they keep coming addressed to Harrison.
Is it too late to say anything now?! Or should I include a note (we are moving house was was going to send a “new address” card) asking her to use Manson?
E.g “Please note our surname is Manson” or “we aren’t Harrison, we are Manson” or “For future correspondence please use Manson” ?!
Or will I have to be Harrison to her forever now.
I’m not annoyed per se, but it’s not our name, and I don’t understand why she hasn’t taken the hint from cards before? Maybe she does think the name merge is stupid and she doesn’t agree, but is it worth saying anything or shall I let it go mentally?
We are unlikely to see her in person again excepting family weddings or funerals.

Edit - to add my husband has profound disabilities so it will be be communicating anything to her!

Thanks in advance!
from Mrs Manson!!

@JHoundYes. A made up one. That’s the issue isn’t it. Most older people would think this funny. Well all of our friends would . It’s pretentious but some people love this sort of thing but the aunt might just not be bothered to join in. They don’t see each other so who cares? Other than op making a fuss. I guess op doesn’t care about aunt and it’s noticed.

Goodness
you must go around seeing shadows everywhere

my default is… no one outside my immediate family and very close friends don’t give me a nano second’s thought

it isn’t even birthday cards

it is ONE Christmas card a year

and the year is starting a thread In August about an envelope in December from someone she hasn’t spoken to in 13 years

Excellent point

All names are created. It’s not about “joining in”. It’s simply having manners and using somebody’s actual name. Most “old people” I know have basic manners so address people by their actual names.

I think people like @TizerorFizz simply object to women doing anything other than use their husbands name.

Why is a man’s name his name but a woman’s is merely “her dad’s”?

I wouldn't let it bother you tbh.

My MIL does this to my DH's first cousin (her nephew) and his wife. She didn't change her name to his, just double barrelled it with her own name but my MIL said that's a stupid thing to do and refused to send any cards or anything addressing her by her new double barrelled name. So it's just to Mr and Mrs using his surname. I actually think his mum (my MIL's sister) does the same! Which must really annoy the wife! I just keep out of it.

For anyone who says its doesn’t matter… it does. Otherwise we might just as well call anyone anything we please and disregard their given or chosen name.

How would YOU like to be called something different continuously? Name Sarah, I’ll call you Susan? Mrs Smith, nah, I prefer to call you Jones. Dr Cleverclogs, I’ll call you Mrs Husband.

Knew a Steve at school who changed sex and is now Sally, why would you not respect that change and call them Sally/she?

Just have some basic respect and call people the name THEY want to be known by.

On one hand I feel like saying be petty, otoh I think just let it go.

I didn’t change my surname when I got married, the dc are double barrelled. Fairly straightforward I would have thought.

My in laws always address us as Mr and Mrs Hisname. Even though we corrected them we then started getting things addressed to all sorts of mash ups of our names but not the correct one. Then they started addressing things to just my first name with no surname at all. Surely this is a passive aggressive dig?

It used to annoy me but now I just think ‘whatever’. It’s their problem or mine.

Even my own mum and sister who I thought were quite modern, couldn’t get there heads round that my name was still legally my own.

My mum was like “I know you haven’t changed your name, but legally it’s Hisname isn’t it”.

I think some people are just stuck in their ways and can’t get their head around other ways of thinking/doing things.

1 person and once a year for Christmas cards? Goodness I wouldn’t even care.

Just have some basic respect and call people the name THEY want to be known by

It’s truly ^^ this simple.

I don’t get the pushback at simply calling people by their name. It’s basic manners. Why are so many Mumsnetters opposed to basic manners?

Wouldn't give a fook OP. Let it go.

@Ilovemyshed

For anyone who says its doesn’t matter… it does

a rellie you haven’t spoken to for 13 years and we’re talking about one envelope a year?

Nah it doesn’t “matter”

unless you’re one to look for shadows and drama

DH’s aunt sends cards to Mr and Mrs [DH’s first name and surname]. I’m not a Mrs, I have my own first name, and I’ve never taken his surname. The Mrs she’s addressing literally does not exist. It’s a potent reminder of patriarchy and oppression every year but I let it slide because she’s 96 (and I use it as a lesson for the kids).

She may just forget. A close friend of mine and her husband changed their family's surname to something completely different to what it had been for years. Really different. I have no problem changing from her maiden to her married name but the sudden surname change after nearly 20 years of marriage threw me. Maybe because I know the reason her DH gave was BS and that he'd actually been involved in some questionable business activities?

It is irritating, I do think a lot of the time it is pointed - some people get really wound up about women not changing their names. I've had comments about how confusing it all is these days, and they just can't keep up with what I'm called. I have literally never changed my name since birth . Or told my husband's name is my "legal" name. Or asked how I could do it to my children. Or has it gleefully pointed out (as in this thread!) that I've really only got my dad's name anyway...😑

But I also have older relatives who address us as Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname. It's annoying, and completely inaccurate, but I have chosen to ignore. Not because it is so insignificant and unimportant but just there are limited battles I can fight!

All names are made up, so that can't be the issue.

@PutThe In the last few years? Ha! Pretentious? Moi?

That's a brand new qualifier you added when you saw the first attempt didn't work. Daft, tu?

As slight aside but I also have a PhD and am a university lecturer. Our students call us by our first names so no-one ever calls me doctor. I’m irrationally disappointed by this and would love someone to call me Dr Sarnie sometimes!

Just forget it

Write "not known here" and send it back!

I absolutely could not get worked up about this

So now there is an age qualifier?

How long does a made-up name need to exist to not be silly? And what if the merged name is actually an existing name?

Just say you think women should change their names.