AIBU to ask relative to use our actual surname?

[HaagenYAAS]

Husband and I have been married 13 years, one small child.
When we married we decided that we would merge our surnames rather than me take his surname or me keep my own. I know it’s a bit unusual but if felt right for us - a new surname with equal parts taken from each side.
A similar example (not our real name) is that my surname was Mancell and his was Harrison, and we became Manson. It is all legal and done by deed poll, and all our documents etc are all in that name and have been since about a month after the wedding
We told everyone after the wedding and received no negative feedback.
Everyone started sending correspondence to Mrs and Mrs Manson, and then when our daughter was born Miss Manson too. Live continued as normal.
My husband has one relative (his aunt) who only ever sends Christmas cards (and we haven’t seen her since the wedding as she lives abroad and is fairly estranged) but she never uses our actual surname - always Mr and Mrs Harrison (his name).
The cards from her are basic (no chat just to X from Y) but lovely, and we appreciate them. Over the years I have sent personalised Christmas cards that say things like “from The Mansons” on the front etc. and have written “from Bob, Mary, and Rosie Manson” in many cards now, but they keep coming addressed to Harrison.
Is it too late to say anything now?! Or should I include a note (we are moving house was was going to send a “new address” card) asking her to use Manson?
E.g “Please note our surname is Manson” or “we aren’t Harrison, we are Manson” or “For future correspondence please use Manson” ?!
Or will I have to be Harrison to her forever now.
I’m not annoyed per se, but it’s not our name, and I don’t understand why she hasn’t taken the hint from cards before? Maybe she does think the name merge is stupid and she doesn’t agree, but is it worth saying anything or shall I let it go mentally?
We are unlikely to see her in person again excepting family weddings or funerals.

Edit - to add my husband has profound disabilities so it will be be communicating anything to her!

Thanks in advance!
from Mrs Manson!!

Oh my goodness, as if you care this much about one card a year. Send her your new address like normal people and don't make a big deal of the name.

@MagnahotYou know why snd I know why! She’s not doing what she’s been told to do! She’s disregarding the new marriage protocol of the made up name. She’s possibly even laughing. As most people my age would. So she’s rebelling!! In her small way. But it’s working!!!

My MIL is in her 80s and always addresses cards correctly since her son and I married 4 years ago e.g. Mr and Ms HisName-MyName (we both added on and I kept my title). Not exactly rocket science is it?!!

Can never understand posts like these on Mumsnet.

You know the OP's relative, do you? Because you seem extremely certain about something you can't possibly be certain of.

This would barely register with me. It wouldn’t bother me at all and I definitely wouldn’t do anything about it.

Just wanted to say I completely understand how infuriating this is. I have an aunt who I've always been very close to, who for ten years insisted on sending me cards to Mrs Husband's Name. She absolutely knows that it's not my name; not only did I tell her clearly when we got married that I wouldn't be changing my name, but I've made every attempt possible to point it out to her kindly since. I've written it on the return address of every card/parcel I've ever sent her (one year I even had those little address stickers made). Two sets of "we have moved" announcements didn't work either. It's particularly upsetting because we're otherwise very close, and (tradition or not) I can't get my head round consistently and deliberately calling a close relative by the wrong name. Every time I got a card from her it felt like some sort of point was being made that I didn't understand, which is confusing because she's otherwise so lovely!

My husband and I separated last year after he ran off with a younger colleague, and as soon as she heard the news my aunt sent me a card very pointedly addressed to Miss [my surname]. I found this hilarious 😂

@janiejonstone Why get upset though? Is it because your way is the only way? You must be obeyed? Many women do take their DHs name but keep their original name (their Dads name!) for work. It’s so much easier to be less bothered with a few who are rebelling against your demands. So what? How important are you?

This is just perfectly normal behaviour for elderly aunts. We have one too who does the same (and also doesn't use the Dr titles that both DH & I worked hard for). We just ignore it. She does it because we aren't important enough to her to bother retaining information like this, and is only sending cards as she feels it is her duty. Don't give her the headspace to care. If you make a fuss you will just make her replace her current sentiments of thoughtless disinterest with active negativity.

My Aunt sends us cards to Mr and Mrs Hamilton, no idea why and our surname is nothing like Hamilton. I just know that the card is from her and smile as she almost 80 and a bit dottie.

I'm not sure what you mean by "my way"? I'm not imposing anything, it's just my name. I just think it's kind and polite to call someone by the correct name. About six weeks ago I called someone the wrong name at a party (Lara instead of Nina) for a whole evening and I still feel crap about it, even though I apologised to her when I realised. I'd be mortified if I found out I'd been calling a family member the wrong name for a decade.

@GameWheelsAlarm You expect your aunt to use your titles? Gosh - how entitled are you. You’d be just plain Game to us. Who is formal like this in families? How pretentious!

I couldn’t get worked up about this at all. It’s sweet she sends a card and funny she gets your name wrong - maybe she does it intentionally to wind you up!

I am not even married to my partner of 20 years and I reguarly get people referring to me a Mrs HisSurname. I just leave it, I don't bother to correct unless it is for documentation purposes, lifes too short to care about it.

I'd just leave it at this stage.

We have friends who did this too but in their case their surnames were both short and worked well together as one surname. I loved it.

I’d say something and would find this passive aggressive. MIL disapproves of our name upon marriage and would address post to his previous name. She would write it in the card too. We corrected her time and time again but she never listened so we took to throwing cards she sent with Mr&Mrs wrong surname in the bin.

When she sent Christmas cards etc and didn’t see it up on display with the rest I’d always tell her it must have gotten lost. She got the message eventually.

@Raisinsandalmonds genuine question, how should I address the envelope on Christmas cards etc?
I usually write “hyphenated names family” but don’t want to offend anyone. Thanks

What do you mean “your way is the only way”? She has not criticised other ways of applying a naming convention has she?

She just wants to be addressed by her actual name.

Time to update your thinking that a man has his own surname but a woman has her father's surname. When you referred to 'DH's name' it should be 'DH's father's name' to be consistent. HTH

Huh?

Or this is a couple she hasn’t seen in 13 years
a couple she hasn’t spoken to in 13 years
she sits at her table every December and bangs out a few dozen Christmas cards
and literally doesn’t give one nano second’s thought to the couples first names, second name or indeed ANY part of their life whatsoever.

This woman doesn’t give a fig or a thought about the couple. And that is absolutely fine! Loads of extended family I don’t give a fig or thought to.

What is weird… is the OP starting a thread about a woman she hasn’t spoken to in 13 years and a Christmas card envelope (it’s August FFS)

and by “weird” I mean…. Utterly utterly bizarre

I just mean on the emvelope! The envelope addressed to Mr & Mrs Hisforename HisExSurname is a slap in the face to me on the door mat saying to me "you exist so little in my head that I can't remember a thing about you". I have never been Mrs HisExSurname, that name refers to his mother.

I wouldn’t say anything.
Im double barrelled and it does make me laugh when SIL sends our cards to ‘Mr and Mrs Double-barrelled’. A little win for me there!

Good Lord, does it really matter? 🫣

Yes, that was a barrel scrape even in the context of a subject where people are inclined towards mental gymnastics if a woman wants to be called her name.

If it’s only Christmas and birthday cards, then let it lie. However , I did expect you to say she was 80 not 60.

My ex mil did this.
in her case it was a stubborn refusal to acknowledge that I could be anything other than Mrs EXH.

was more than just ‘tradition’ or being old fashioned, it was a statement of disapproval that I retained my own name and identity.

depends on the intent behind it really. A bit old fashioned - ok and not worth being annoyed by. Deliberate - I sent a card back one year signed love from John (ex dh) & Dr Movingon.