Stressed about secondary school expenses, ExH being unreasonable?

[CelluliteRoller]

DS moving up to secondary school in Sept.

Had a very 'messy divorce' from exH who was financially and emotionally abusive, pos-separation he painted me as an unfit parent and wanted DC full-time (multiple reports to social services and police) however they ended up living with me and spending time with him. Prior to split he was not involved in DC life at all, he left it all to me whilst he spent most of the time in the pub.

ExH paid no maintenence at all for first 9 months after we split, I had to go through CMS. He pays way less than the calculators on MSE etc. suggested he would; I think he must have maxed out pension contributions and bought bikes etc the salary sacrifice schemes. He also works as a delivery driver and does cash in hand work; these are not included in his maintenence contributions.

As DS is going up to secondary school he has to have a really expensive uniform; it costs around £200. There was also a 'summer school' he attended that was £150. I asked for financial help for the summer school but they said all they could offer was allowing me to pay in childcare vouchers - which stopped in around 2019 I believe!! I had vouchers in my old job but could not get them in my new one. The summer school flyer said that they would offer financial assistance if required but they point-blank refused to offer anything but allowing me to pay with childcare vouchers and threatened to not let DS attend as it was not an essential school trip. Had to borrow money off a relative so he could attend as he's nervous about starting and the summer school was a good way to make new friends etc.

DS will be eligible for FSM next year as I claim UC (as well as working full-time). If you get FSM you can get an £80 voucher to go towards your school uniform however at present he is not eligible as earn over the FSM threshold despite claiming UC.

I asked exH if he would consider giving me some money towards the school uniform as it's expensive and I'd already had to pay for summer school (in desperation as he scares me and uses things like this against me.. I try to keep communication to a minimum).

I got a furious reply from exH beginning with "I pay you maintenence" and ending with "it is highly inappropriate for you to even be ASKING me this". I know he will be enjoying the fact that I am struggling as he is a sadistic bully, even though it's his kids who lose out. I pay for all extracurricular activities and provide the musical instruments, football boots, etc. even though he takes them sometimes. I pay for all the school uniform so far in primary including school bags, lunch boxes etc. Money is generally extremely tight as amongst other things exH is refusing to sell the house (it is going to court) and the mortgage has doubled in the time we split up.

You have to be school dinners as the secondary doesn't allow packed lunches - these are £3.50 a day. Ex refusing to pay for this although DC go to his on Sunday which is a "school night".

Have now found out we are expected to provide a laptop / desktop on top of everything else. I have no idea how I can fund this.

Are there any charities I could apply to for a grant?

And is exH BU for not helping out a bit extra this month due to all the extraordinary costs? Or maybe the school is BU? Or both?!

I am so stressed at the moment; I don't want to be "that parent" but the school are already treating me like a nuisance for asking for financial assistance that isn't childcare vouchers. One of the secretaries i spoke to told me I had been wasting "valuable admin time" by being passed around various departments when I was trying to figure out if I could get a concession for the summer school.

I think YANBU but how much maintenance does he pay?

edit:typo

Yes your ex is being unreasonable if he can afford to contribute towards the school uniform and is choosing not to. But the reality is that if he is paying the cms amount, that is all he is obligated to pay.
Does the secondary school not have a uniform bank? Most do.

Your ex is a dick. But the system is a dick.

Some local authorities offer school uniform grants. These are separate from FSM eligibility, and the rules vary — worth checking your council website. Many secondary schools have a hardship or pupil premium budget for things like uniform, trips, and laptops. They sometimes only offer this to FSM pupils, but it’s still worth asking the Head of Year or school business manager, not just office staff. But as you dont qualify for that yet and he doesnt attend yet I dont know if that is an option.

Some schools have second-hand uniform sales or Facebook groups where parents sell/donate items. My kids high school has a facebook page run by a parent, nothing to do doth the school, swapping uniform. No selling allowed. Everything is gifted.

Have you looked to see if there are any local charities that can help?

Turn2us has a grant search tool for local and national charities: https://www.turn2us.org.uk I used this last week for my sister who is in a permanent mess.

Some charities supply refurbished devices. Although Ive no experience of any of these, these are what came up when I googled:

• Computers for Kids
• Tech for All (www.currys.co.uk/gbuk/computers/tech-for-all-1234-theme.html)
• class="italic">Restart Project (therestartproject.org/)

Legally, child maintenance is supposed to cover basic living costs, and any “extras” are voluntary unless you have a court order saying otherwise. Your ex refusing extra help for uniform/laptop/meals is morally unreasonable, but not legally enforceable unless you change the maintenance amount (which is tricky when he’s reducing his assessable income through salary sacrifice and undeclared earnings). If you think he’s hiding income, report it to CMS as “unreported earnings” — they can investigate. Use evidence (photos, social media posts) if you have them. But I wouldnt hold my breath. I also wouldnt hide from anyone I knew or even met in the street that he was refusing to contribute beyond what the law told him he had to. Id embarrass the fuck out of him.

Can you explain how that is relevant? He pays less than he should as he is legally squirrelling away money.

Hold off on Sammy laptop/desktop until a few months in. Our secondary school pushed for this but in reality many kids did not/do not have this at home. This meant lessons and homework couldn't exclude those things. Google classroom etc can all be accessed via a smartphone There is usually a common area in school to access if needed and our local library provides slots too.

Get the school uniform from the school’s second hand shop - surely they told you about it last term? Or ask on local FB market and groups.

I doubt they will need a laptop right away, hold off and save up

I said I didn’t think OP is unreasonable, but if he is paying £100 per month that’s different to if he is paying £1000 per month. I would have more time for a suggestion that school uniform can be paid out of £1000 per month maintenance than £100.

He's paying £200 per month for 2 children. It's very frustrating as he does stupid things like losing their belongings when they are with him (including expensive football equipment, or a Smiggle pencil case, basically anything) then point-blank refuses to replace them. Always blames DC for losing stuff or uses a passive voice "the tablet went missing". Never takes responsibility

When it's the holidays they go to him in nice normal clothes and come home in clothes that are several sizes too small and / or very worn and have to be binned.

If he was paying £1000 a month maintenence i absolutely would not have asked him for a contribution! That would be amazing.

But he doesn't pay a lot in contrast to how much the DC cost per month and has kept my monthy expenditure as high as possible by refusing to sell the family home, so I am paying way more than is affordable. He's also refusing to pay for anything at all and always has done. He lost 3 lots of football boots and shin-pads then refused to replace them so I did say he needed to pay for a set himself but he refused then got the football coach to come round to my house and ask me to hand over a fourth lot of kit. It was horrible; he uses people against me constantly to make me look unreasonable.

Speak to the Pastoral staff at school … though atm they are probably on leave.

Check FB for local groups that collect the old school uniforms. We have one here, a group collects it, then they have a couple of days, where they set it all out in a room and people come and get what they need.

Is it a set amount for a meal ? We just loaded the card up, but DD took her own in at times, depending what she was doing.

I do question why they have such an expensive uniform.. new rules are in place now around the number of “branded items” each uniform can have, to help to keep costs down.

YANBU but that doesn’t sound like a normal secondary school.

Sorry OP, are you entitled to FSM or not?

It’s crazy that the school force a child to have a £3.50 schools lunch everyday. I would ask them again about packed lunches or cheaper options. If that really is the case then point out to ex that his school lunches alone cost over £50.

Assuming this is a state school there will definitely be parents who can’t afford the school lunches everyday let alone a laptop as well.

In practical terms, can you cut back on the extra curriculars to save money? And explain to at least the oldest one going to secondary that he needs to make sure he keeps his clothes etc when he goes to exes? He’s old enough to dress himself so not sure how his clothes are going missing or why he’s wearing too small clothes home.

Please do speak to school - tricky at the moment I know.
But, our school has plenty of second hand uniform donated every year. We would always help with stationary etc.
Not sure about the laptop- but that’s a huge expense that many families would struggle to manage- don’t worry about that until you can chat to them.

Surely you can get a second hand uniform? Have you asked on Facebook etc...

Same for footy boots. We pay £5 to £10 a pair second hand.

At 11 years old your son needs to make sure he doesn't lose his stuff.

If you can't afford the £150 then perhaps rethink the music lessons for a while? They're quite a luxury and very expensive! I have 3 kids and our music lessons cost £90 a week term time!

apart from a pack of white shirts I have not bought a single piece of new uniform since my DS started secondary school. Join the school social media groups and I am sure you will find lots of people selling secondhand uniform. My DC’s secondary school have blazers and expensive PE kits, but I kit them out for less than £50 each, and I get more than one of each things to allow for things disappearing.
My DC’s grow so fast, there is no way I’m paying out £200+ each child every year.
Its not ‘cool’ at their schools to have shiny new uniforms every year, they prefer to look a little scruffy anyway!

As he goes to his dads on a Sunday you need to make sure you don’t send him with uniform, his dad needs to provide a set, that set can be sent back to dads each time who can wash it and iron it.

There is absolutely no way I would be paying £3.50 a day for school dinners, realistically what can they do if you send pack up instead of money? Is this their way of hoping parents on a low income don’t put them as a first choice?

Your Ex H is unpleasant and unreasonable, but you are not able to change that.

I have never bought uniform new for my teens. FB marketplace and local FB parenting groups are an amazing treasure trove of everything you need for mere pence. Same for football boots etc, £5 per pair and you can sell for the same when outgrown.

Put a post up in local or school related groups locally and you will get offers of stuff for sure.

Is this a private school? It just sounds really restrictive and intense.

I would ask for a meeting with the school as soon as possible (assuming you are in England and they are all shut just now) and go through exactly what they are requiring and what help is there. It sounds crazy that you aren't allowed to send your own food in.

I'd look for the school PTA or similar and get in touch to ask about uniform banks or a parent group. We have a uniform bank at both schools, but we live in a very mixed catchment so have quite relaxed uniform requirements and loads of support.

Unfortunately you can't make him give you more money, but you can look at all the options for reducing what you need to do. Your kids need to take charge of their own belongings, or you need to refuse to send them with your things.

Send the kids with nothing to their dad's, tell him he has to provide when he's at theirs as their stuff isnt coming home. Otherwise you'll be buying school uniform all year as it'll never come home. What's the kids arrangements for seeing your ex? Hold off on the laptop also as I bet it's not really needed or won't for a while

It isn't a normal school... It is an academy and they have loads of weird rules.

I am really worried about the fact that I have already given myself a bad reputation as a "difficult" parent before DS has even started 😭 but I have mot been rude to anyone at all. I did get it wrong that DS is eligible for FSM on account of me getting UC as that doesnt come in till next year, but nobody said this to me, they were just very "computer says no" and didn't say "... but he will be eligible next year".

The meals are £3.50 every day and you have no option to bring a packed lunch. You HAVE to be school dinners.

I will speak to pastoral team but have already had a very pissy email from one of the deputy heads who accused me of not contacting them in time about the summer school when I had the emails to prove I had asked for financial assistance for the summer school and I had also met the head teacher at an open day and asked them directly and they'd said "I'm sure we can work something out".
They basically forced my hand to shell out £150 I didn't have - was lucky to be able to borrow it.

Not entitled at the moment as household income is higher than £9,500.
The Labour government is extending eligibility for FSM to everyone who's getting UC but that doesn't come in till September 2026. So will be eligible then. When I have contacted the school and incorrectly said I am entitled they haven't said "you aren't eligible this year but will be next year" they just said "you're not eligible".

You can usually pay for laptops monthly.
Uniform - the big shops usually have sales on about now.
As others have said there’s usually a secondhand shop.
It’s outrageous he can get away with it.

Are any other children from his primary school going to this secondary, maybe you can speak to their parents and see what they think about the school lunches, particularly if they have older children at the school.

The school May say you have to pay for lunches, but in reality turn a blind eye to anyone bringing in a packed lunch

No not a private school.
It is an academy though. Yes it is restrictive and intense but the other options were even worse so chose the least-worst school 🙄😒

The school dinners thing is absolutely mandatory unless you have a severe allergy or sensory difficulties etc.

I have tried to refuse to send equipment with DC but my ex is so horrible he just let's them go without and on one occasion sent the coach of the football team round to my house to get him to 'persuade' me to send football equipment with DC. He is highly manipulative and loves to make me look unreasonable/ crazy. He is a master of triangulation ie bringing others into personal disputes.

What do DC say about where the stuff goes when they’re with ex?

Hopefully you can get your divorce sorted soon, it sounds like housing costs is the only big issue you’ll have control to fix. Don’t forget you’ll be entitled to a share of his pension pot so if he’s putting money in there to avoid maintenance at least in a way you’ll be getting it eventually.

Is there a timeline on when finances will be sorted? If it may be imminent I’d consider taking out an interest free credit card

I can’t get past the fact that the school doesn’t allow packed lunches. We are a high income family but our dcs usually took a packed lunches as the school meals were such a rip off. Surely many families wouldn’t accept such a rule without complaint.