Stressed about secondary school expenses, ExH being unreasonable?

[CelluliteRoller]

DS moving up to secondary school in Sept.

Had a very 'messy divorce' from exH who was financially and emotionally abusive, pos-separation he painted me as an unfit parent and wanted DC full-time (multiple reports to social services and police) however they ended up living with me and spending time with him. Prior to split he was not involved in DC life at all, he left it all to me whilst he spent most of the time in the pub.

ExH paid no maintenence at all for first 9 months after we split, I had to go through CMS. He pays way less than the calculators on MSE etc. suggested he would; I think he must have maxed out pension contributions and bought bikes etc the salary sacrifice schemes. He also works as a delivery driver and does cash in hand work; these are not included in his maintenence contributions.

As DS is going up to secondary school he has to have a really expensive uniform; it costs around £200. There was also a 'summer school' he attended that was £150. I asked for financial help for the summer school but they said all they could offer was allowing me to pay in childcare vouchers - which stopped in around 2019 I believe!! I had vouchers in my old job but could not get them in my new one. The summer school flyer said that they would offer financial assistance if required but they point-blank refused to offer anything but allowing me to pay with childcare vouchers and threatened to not let DS attend as it was not an essential school trip. Had to borrow money off a relative so he could attend as he's nervous about starting and the summer school was a good way to make new friends etc.

DS will be eligible for FSM next year as I claim UC (as well as working full-time). If you get FSM you can get an £80 voucher to go towards your school uniform however at present he is not eligible as earn over the FSM threshold despite claiming UC.

I asked exH if he would consider giving me some money towards the school uniform as it's expensive and I'd already had to pay for summer school (in desperation as he scares me and uses things like this against me.. I try to keep communication to a minimum).

I got a furious reply from exH beginning with "I pay you maintenence" and ending with "it is highly inappropriate for you to even be ASKING me this". I know he will be enjoying the fact that I am struggling as he is a sadistic bully, even though it's his kids who lose out. I pay for all extracurricular activities and provide the musical instruments, football boots, etc. even though he takes them sometimes. I pay for all the school uniform so far in primary including school bags, lunch boxes etc. Money is generally extremely tight as amongst other things exH is refusing to sell the house (it is going to court) and the mortgage has doubled in the time we split up.

You have to be school dinners as the secondary doesn't allow packed lunches - these are £3.50 a day. Ex refusing to pay for this although DC go to his on Sunday which is a "school night".

Have now found out we are expected to provide a laptop / desktop on top of everything else. I have no idea how I can fund this.

Are there any charities I could apply to for a grant?

And is exH BU for not helping out a bit extra this month due to all the extraordinary costs? Or maybe the school is BU? Or both?!

I am so stressed at the moment; I don't want to be "that parent" but the school are already treating me like a nuisance for asking for financial assistance that isn't childcare vouchers. One of the secretaries i spoke to told me I had been wasting "valuable admin time" by being passed around various departments when I was trying to figure out if I could get a concession for the summer school.

Lots of schools do set homework electronically however Lots of it can be done on a phone/ tablet if they have these instead. Also, at my school teachers are asked to (discretely) provide alternative homework if needed for students that do not have Internet access. There are also sometimes places where students can access computers at lunch and or after school to complete homework.

For school uniform, see if the school PTA has second hand sales, or try Facebook marketplace or other local selling sites.

academy is just a normal comprehensive! No reason at all to impose all
those other things.

mine went to local academy and didn’t cost anywhere near like what you’re suggesting

that said you’re not unreasonable to expect ex to contribute. Unfortunately you can’t force him to

I am a teacher.

The school sound really unhelpful so far but school admin staff can be prickly. They are the same breed as GP receptionists. Don't deal with them unless it's strictly an admin issue e.g. attendance. Always go through teachers.

Definitely get the school uniform secondhand. It will be destroyed by the end of the first week of school. Get on Facebook Marketplace.

Don't buy the laptop yet. Wait to speak to the school. A state school cannot demand that all parents purchase expensive equipment like this without providing support for children whose parents can't.

A state school can't force all parents to pay £3.50 every day for lunch. They must have some kind of financial support in place for parents not eligible for FSM but for whom that £3.50 every day will be a struggle.

I would email the Head of Year 7 - details should be on the school website - briefly explaining your financial and personal situation and asking for it to be confidential (i.e. not passed on to other staff). Ask to book in a phone call at the start of term if you don't want to put it all in writing. If the school fully understand your personal and financial situation then they will be able to support you. The Head of Year has pastoral responsibility for their year group and they are best placed to hold this information and use it to leverage whatever financial or other support is available in school for your child. It is also really useful for the school to understand if there is a tricky relationship between parents and any manipulative behaviour going on. Legally we have to include both parents in comms unless a court has ordered not to, but if we know that one parent can be tricky then we can discreetly adapt communications accordingly.

The more the school knows, the more they can help. You don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed - honestly we've heard it all, we don't judge, and our priority is just to support your child.

A lot of schools do expect staff to be on emails over the holiday (mine does!) and I would expect a HoY for Year 7 to be available considering that they've got a whole year group of new students coming in and parents who will be anxious.

Yanbu! I sympathise as this is my exh and I have four dc. The only bit of advice I can give you is to bolster yourself for the future. Take every work opportunity you can get and boost your income if you can.
my ex is abusive and went ballistic when I contacted cms, so I gave up and cancelled the claim. (Well done you for going through with it!).
I just pay for what I can now and send him receipts.
Im so sorry you have to go through this.

I’m really sorry OP it sounds like a hard situation.

You’re not unreasonable to ask dad to contribute, but legally all he has to do is pay child maintenance and that’s his “contribution” so in that respect he’s not unreasonable to say no, although you would think any half decent parent wouldn’t want to see their child go without if they could help it. He’s an arsehole, I’d accept you’re not getting anything from him other than what he is legally required to give and forget about it.

The school- it doesn’t sound like they’re going to be a great fit for you to be honest. Academy schools can be great and better than an LA state school, but they are generally more expensive despite being free to attend. As you’re now realising the uniforms tend to be very specific and branded which is £££, you can’t just stock up at Asda etc like other schools. They also typically have lots of clubs, extra curricular’s, trips etc on offer which is brilliant and do go far beyond what is offered at LA schools but again it all comes with a price tag and a hefty one, although these things aren’t essential they almost feel essential when your child has friends all doing X class or going on this trip and they’re the one left out. Even things like the laptop, the academy can’t force you to provide a laptop but if you don’t then your child will be the one working on paper and that has its own knock on effects. Some academies do have laptop lease schemes so it’s worth asking about that, where you pay £X a month and essentially hire a laptop from the school but even those can be quite expensive.

Ok but most schools are academies. I’ve worked in two and my children go to one. I’ve never heard of forced school dinners. It sounds like a nightmare. Could you contact the council for spaces at other schools?

Are you living in the family home? Is he contributing to the mortgage?

Have you spoken to your bank? If he isn’t contributing, explain the situation and ask to move to interest only payments, or a payment holiday. It will give you some breathing space and mean you aren’t paying off the mortgage in the meantime so he can benefit when house is sold.

See if you have a Baby Bank near you - ours also provides uniform for secondary age. They may be able to also help you with stationary, school shoes, winter coats, as well as everyday clothing should your DC need it (our local ones supplies all these things).

Oh maybe it is just a weird school then 😆 I understood it that it got a bit more leeway to make really bonkers rules due to being an academy.

Yeah the forced school dinners is something I haven't come across either but it's a bit of a three-line whip situation. They basically insist on it for everyone and I was so pleased when I heard about the free school meals thing but like I say it doesn't come into play till next Sept. It's £17.50 a week and I am really worried about how I'll afford almost £80 a week. I will talk to pastoral lead and explain but so far they have been awful and being told I had wasted admin time was beyond the pale, really.
I am really cross about it all but also don't want to be "that parent"

@CelluliteRoller im really worried about how this school will be for you. Is there really no other options? It will be something like this over and over again and if they really can’t work with you to find solutions to problems they’ve created then how will this work for the next several years?

on a practical note, can you just say your son can’t eat the school dinners for whatever reasons they allow and send him in with a packed lunch?

I'd definitely invent an allergy which means your DC can't have the school lunches and you can send a packed lunch, in your situation.

YANBU to expect your ex to pay his fair share for his children, but he's clearly not going to so probably best to make your peace with that now.

There is a mum on the WhatsApp group at my child's school who asks for outgrown school uniform and clothes because her kids' dad never returns any of it. The parents know he's an absolute tosser and have a lot of sympathy for her. Could you ask around the parents at your DC's extracurricular activities and see if anyone has any outgrown kit?

I'm also really concerned at the attitude of the school - it seems to me like they are "selection by the back door" by putting off low income families by specific uniform, school meals, equipment requirements.

The attitude of the admin staff is unacceptable.

As well as contacting HOY7 you could also try the admissions officer or operations manager/bursar/business manager. Certainly in the school i work in they bridge teaching and admin and might know a bit more about any financial help the school might offer.

The only school I have heard of like this is the Michaela school. But parents know what they are signing up to when they apply for this school.

I think the bottom line really OP is that you can’t afford this school, they don’t sound as though they are particularly helpful for those in need of financial assistance and you’re going to need that in numerous ways if you have to pay school meals, a laptop, uniform, you’ll soon realise that clubs/extra curricular’s & school trips are also not affordable for you and so your child becomes the one who is left out. I’d be looking for other schools now.

It's a bloomin' state school. This is not acceptable.

I don't think it's acceptable either; it is the school closest to where we live, it has good results and I know from personal experience the other schools nearby are absolutely shocking in terms of drug use, bullying, etc. so I really don't want DS to attend them.
I do take your point that this is not a strong start though. I think that I will have to speak to the pastoral team and explain that money is really tight etc. and just hope that they sympathise.

Unfortunately it’s the way it is with academy schools.

Op I think it's time for you to take back control.

Get in touch with CMS and ask for a reconsideration (or whatever it's called) - his lifestyle differs from his apparent income, is vastly different from what it was when you were together etc. Contact your MP - they sometimes have some clout with CMS.

He also can be forced to sell the house. It's more upheaval for you and the dc but a judge can ultimately sign sales paperwork if he continues to refuse. Find an empowering solicitor who can guide you through the process allowing you do do as much of the legwork as you can. Have you finalised the finances of your divorce yet?

That's fuck all. How much does he earn? Have you checked CMS calculator to make sure he's paying enough?

With 3 lost football kits, nice clothes not coming back and a lost tablet is he actually stealing from you? What would happen if you stopped paying the mortgage?

It sounds mad to me! I teach at a comp in a very affluent area but of course there is poverty too, some of it hidden. We have no blazer, a simple uniform with only two branded items (both of which are easily available second hand) and I can't imagine us charging new starters £150 for anything. Astonishing that the school is getting away with it.

Please email your MP, OP.

Your ex husband sounds like a disgusting twat. He should feel ashamed of himself.

Does anyone else know how he is? I bet he’d HATE for people to know. So I’d make it my mission to be letting everyone know what a mean spirited, shit dad he is. Do your kids want to spend time with him?

Send a letter to the school addressed to the Pastoral lead - write it now although they will be away. Set out that you cannot afford the uniform beyond the £80 grant, cannot afford the lunches, the lap top, the PE kit etc. Explain that DS is on FSM and ask how they can help you. YOu could suggest eg that his pupil premium pays for the laptop if ti essential. Ask if there is a supply of secondhand uniform you could go through to see what they can supply for DS before you spend the £80 voucher. Ask what the arrangements are for lunches when you qualify for FSM. I'd be really honest about how ex is and ask if there is any provision for DS to leave kit/uniform/laptop at school if he is going to his father from school so that the laptop/PE kit etc can't be lost by him.

Pastoral leads have seen everything and you will not be the only one struggling to pay for things. It would be a very unusual school that doesn't have a supply of secondhand uniform for these cases.

OP, do you work in a specific industry that might be able to help. So I’m in agriculture and RABI are advertising back to school grants of a few hundred to eligible families. May be worth pursuing if you have a link to an industry.