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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner on holiday without me

83 replies

DancesLikeAFairy · 10/08/2025 11:28

Thanks for reading this long post.
I'm an overthinker, as I have combined ADHD with acute symptoms. My partner and I have a close, loving relationship and have been together almost six years. We're definitely each other's love of our lives. We've not had a holiday together, due to debts from when his his business ceased trading during covid, me unable to hold a job for long (ADHD), as well as me having severe osteoarthritis and waiting to have knees and hipsreplaced, as well as degenerative disc and spine disease. Just added that so it's clear I'm in pain.

I struggle with being stuck home alone and chronic loneliness. We've had many weekends away but not a week or overseas. A few months ago, my partner received a payout and said that he's taking his children away. M 20, F17. He added his parents, then his kids' gf, bf. He said that he'd ask kids if okay for me to go too, as it's a family holiday. I said if he has to ask, then I'm not going! In nutshell, many reasons why others can't go. So he and daughter now on holiday in Cyprus. He calls few times a day. He's told me that I need to choose holiday for 2 of us. Won't be this year cos of weather, affordability, taking leave. Idk how to feel.
Am I being a spoiled brat thinking holiday should be us?
Should I be happy to wait 8 months for our holiday?
I'd hate their holiday- all inc, sat by pool anyway! Please be kind as I'm ultra sensitive. I'm grateful for your comments.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2025 11:32

After 6 years who wasn’t it a given that you’d go? Why would he have to ask their permission? And why would you have wanted to go if you’d hate the sort of holiday they’re on? It’s quite confusing how this has come about. Given your health concerns a relaxing break by a pool sounds ideal but you say otherwise.

Climbingrosexx · 10/08/2025 12:22

After 6 years I would have assumed you would be part of a family holiday? My DH did go away without me and it was awful but that was a one off situation which won't go into due to it being personal family stuff. I have told him though I won't feel comfortable with it happening again and he agreed. Not sure what advice to give but I would talk to him and ask why after 6yrs you are not classed as family? He really shouldn't be asking his kids permission for anything, its his life and you are part of it.

SugarMarshmallow · 10/08/2025 12:27

I’m going to be horribly honest in your position considering you are struggling with pain and mobility id give my partner the green light to go away with his adult children and then ask to book a separate holiday for just us 2.

Lmnop22 · 10/08/2025 12:27

You were given the chance to go and said no. Basically you’re saying you wish your partner had decided to spend his windfall on taking you alone away on your dream trip rather than taking his kids somewhere….

Deebee90 · 10/08/2025 12:31

You were offered to go and you said no. You also said you wouldn’t like their holiday. Why should they change their holiday for you. He’s offered you another holiday so pick one you want to go. But yes you are spoilt he should be treating his kids too as they should always come first.

StrawberryCranberry · 10/08/2025 12:38

I think it was a bit silly of you to say "if you have to ask, I'm not going".

BunniB · 10/08/2025 12:40

I think you have put yourself in this position. Sounds like the holiday isn’t your kind of thing.

why not book something like a cruise together for next year if you can afford it?

Cinai · 10/08/2025 12:42

It sounds like you had the opportunity to join them. It sounds sensitive that he wants to ask his children first as there often are sensitivities around new partners. He calls you regularly and he said that you can pick the next holiday for the 2 of you. I think this doesn’t sound too bad all in all, considering the situation and that he has to juggle more than one responsibility.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/08/2025 12:45

Well you've chosen to cut off your nose to spite your face there haven't you.

SpryCat · 10/08/2025 12:49

There could be two possible reasons he has excluded you from his Family Holiday!
First of all he gave you a non invitation making out he needed permission for you to go, he was counting on your refusal and when he comes back, he will make out he did invite you!
Second of all he added his kids partners to the holiday as they are counted as family but has made it blatantly clear you after six years are not
He is trying to appease you by giving you a false promise the two of you will go on holiday together next year to keep you quiet and hopeful that you are in fact important to him even though he has made it clear you aren’t.

Or he knows with your health issues, constant pain that this holiday would not be suitable for you, he thinks you will hinder everyone’s plans and he would have to stay behind, so you didn’t feel lonely whilst they all went of and had fun.

Minnie798 · 10/08/2025 12:55

Yes I think Yabu. A 'beach' holiday is something my dp has no interest in. But I've had many of them with my dc, other family members and also with my friends. If dp had ever complained about this I'd have thought he was very selfish ( and it wouldn't t have stopped us going).

I think it's fine ( and actually healthy) for partners/ spouses to do things independent of each other.

lunar1 · 10/08/2025 12:55

You declined going, so he’s not unreasonable for that.

as difficult as your struggles with being home alone are, they are yours to work through and get help with. That’s an awful burden to put on another adult. He’s away with his daughter, he shouldn’t be having to check in a few times a day.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/08/2025 12:57

I don't understand.

He did ask you to go, and you declined.

BIossomtoes · 10/08/2025 12:59

You turned down a holiday that you’d hate but it’s somehow someone else’s fault. It doesn’t make sense.

DarkForces · 10/08/2025 13:05

BIossomtoes · 10/08/2025 12:59

You turned down a holiday that you’d hate but it’s somehow someone else’s fault. It doesn’t make sense.

Exactly this. This could be your holiday but you declined. Fair enough, I'm rubbish in the heat but if my partner had adult children I don't think that should stop them from doing what they want. You really need to look at being able to be alone as no one can rely on their partner always being there.

siucra · 10/08/2025 13:12

I think your partner sounds very nice and considerate. He wanted to go AI to Cyprus and so did his daughter. You don't.
I know you said you are sensitive so I hope I don't hurt your feelings but you sound quite draining, all your conditions and the fact that you can't work etc. Because of them, I would thankful I had such a nice partner. let him go and live his life. Also, you said you have chronic loneliness. You can't spend a week alone is concerning. Be lovely to your partner, tell him he did the right thing in taking his daughter away, and get yourself back into work and work on your other issues.

lizzyBennet08 · 10/08/2025 13:19

Another one who thinks the kind of holiday that would suit you would probably not suit his young adult kids given your heath issues . I absolutley think going away together is absolutely your best idea.

vivainsomnia · 10/08/2025 13:31

How well do you know, get along with his children?

Also, you say you're in a lot of pain, what holiday would suit you? You shouldn't have to wait 8 months though. Can you discuss somewhere to go together that you would both enjoy before Xmas?

Original poster
DancesLikeAFairy · 10/08/2025 14:17

I don't understand why you would think that?

OP posts:
Original poster
DancesLikeAFairy · 10/08/2025 14:32

I'm so sorry that I made my post confusing. I try hard to get a job, but lose them because of poor timekeeping and being distracted. I am working on those issues.(caused by having ADHD.) I'm still applying for jobs. We both knew that I wouldn't enjoy a holiday of being by a pool, eating at the same restaurant, not doing anything for the whole holiday. It was the initial holiday plan that I wasn't included in, until he asked his children for the okay. As just he and his daughter the only ones now able to go, he said that this was just for them. I suppose my feelings are confused, as he initially wanted just him and two kids, then added parents, kids with bf and gf, but wanted to ask them if I could go with all of them. That's when I said that if he wants to ask them if I can go too, then I wouldn't be going! After six years, he should not have to ask, especially if they're going with their bf and gf of less than one year. I'm lonely because he works away from early Monday morning, returning late Friday evening. Every other weekend, he goes to see kids Saturday morning and returns Sunday around 6. I don't have any money to do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
DancesLikeAFairy · 10/08/2025 14:39

Thanks for your post. He said that as it's a family holiday, then it's polite to ask them. He added that they'd be okay but that's not the point. IMO anyway. I asked why okay for them to take bf,gf, but him not being with me? He replied that if they couldn't take their bf,gf, then they wouldn't go! Turns out that the bf having 2 longhaul hols with parents who expected my partner to pay for the bf.

OP posts:
Original poster
DancesLikeAFairy · 10/08/2025 14:41

A cruise would be the same as an AI hotel for me. I prefer to travel independently. Book a flight. Hire a car. Travel around......

OP posts:
DarkForces · 10/08/2025 14:41

If you haven't got any money presumably a holiday is off the cards anyway. Is he paying for all the weekends away?

Original poster
DancesLikeAFairy · 10/08/2025 14:44

He doesn't 'have to' do anything. He calls me to chat because HE wants to!

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 10/08/2025 14:51

Has he paid off his debts?

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