Stopping 15 year old daughters relationship with criminal boyfriend

[Mumontheedge1249]

I’m pretty sure I know what the responses will be but here we go.
my daughter is 15. She has ASD which I think is a factor to her response to this situation. She has had a boyfriend (whos 14, nearly 15) for a year and a half. Everything was ok for a year I would say, typical teen relationship.
this last 8 months the boyfriend has lost it. His dad was sentenced to 12 years for severe DV against the mum and other women in December and this has made him spiral and go down a very dangerous path.
Jan- April he committed crime after crime. Mostly for violence in the community. But he has also mugged someone and has been caught carrying a knife. I found out he has also been a drug runner for a few months as I found a burner phone in his bag. It was handed into the police. Him and his 4 brothers (all older then him) smoke weed in the house so he constantly reeks of it. He was excluded from mainstream school for fighting and attends a behaviour school for 2 hours a day, when he decides to go. Obviously when I found this all out I stopped her seeing him. My daughter spiralled into a deep deep depression, hurting herself, suicidal, etc. awful time.
They begged me to give him one more chance and he would change as he loved my daughter and they were considering putting him into a children’s home. Seeing my daughter in such a terrible state, I agreed to one last chance. He had a few court cases coming up and he actually stayed out of trouble (April-July) so 3 months.
Unfortunately, the court case which was in August was dropped and within a week he was arrested for violence in the community, apparently him and his brother got into a fight with a taxi driver. Incase it couldn’t get any worse, the police turned up at my house to arrest him, on her 15th birthday this week. She spent the whole day in tears, not eating etc. I said he is never welcome at our house again. She honestly doesn’t care about the crimes and still wants to be with him and is begging for me to let her contact him. She is not angry with him at all which infuriates me and I unfortunately take my frustration out on her so our relationship has suffered this year. She is normally my best friend. It is also causing tensions with me and my husband as he think he should never of been given the original chance to change and hates his guts.
i know his behaviour is from trauma, he has had a terrible upbringing with what he has seen, I’m talking extreme DV, dad threatening to beat up the children in front of the mum, driving to the children’s school when they were younger and waiting to run them over etc. his mum I would say is neglectful, and very very weak parenting wise. She is also very poorly so In and out of hospital almost weekly for long stays.
has anyone been in a similar position? How did it end? What do I honestly do regarding my daughter? I’ve reported him so everyone imaginable to try get him help. Social services, youth offending, police, his school. I’ve wrote anonymous letters to his relatives. Nothing. Please help me!!! One of the worst situations to be in! This is not what I imagined parenting teens would entail!

I think I'd ban him from seeing her and manage the fallout with dd

Following through with cahms, provide three meals a day without comment, keeping the routine at home exactly the same, keeping cool and level headed

Be strong, dont give in to her threats to kill herself etc (I know, easier said than done)

Just keep strong - that boy is on a dangerous path. Maybe you can help him in other ways, but he cannot be with your daughter xx

I've NO useful advice. But it struck me that "she's my best friend" about your 15 year old isn't right - she should be breaking away a little to be independent, and still needs parents but friends of her own.

I agree with a pp she is your child she isn't your buddy you need to keep firm and away from this boy she might "hate you" but i think her safety is paramount here, this boy has had a terrible life but he is violent and your Dd could be hurt by him.

I do not have a daughter with ASD nor have a had experience with violence so these are random thoughts.

• ASD children develop about five years slower than NT children. You say she is 14 - her emotional age is likely to be younger.
• she isn’t your friend. She is your daughter and a young one at that. Parent your daughter and find friends elsewhere.
• If she has a phone and other devices, you need to install the best parent lock you can and you need to mirror it onto yours. You need to see everything she says and does.
• all devices need to be taken away early every single night. We had to lock them in a box and hide the key each night at that age.
• she needs other activities. Preferably something outside. Fresh air and green surroundings are really good for ASD children.
• at 14, no matter her emotional age, her hormones are raging. You must parent with her father firmly and fairly and together.
• the one thing you have never been and your husband has is a 14 year old boy. They are different from us, violence aside. Listen to your husband.

OP

you have good advise on your exact same thread about this currently running,

are u canvassing for different views because doing the right thing is hard ??

no one in their right mind is going to be saying anything different -

you take control
cut the contact with the lad at all cost
tolerate the distress / emotional fallout from your DD
know that this is in everyone’s best interest
breath
this will get easier
UNLESS you buckle and let him back in

nothing more to say.

Your focus should be keeping your daughter safe, not trying to "fix" the boy, however well intentioned @Mumontheedge1249

One of my Dds had a terrible boyfriend at 15 he ended up in young offenders thankfully it fizzled out, we did have to step in and say no to seeing him. Of course "we hated her" he was "misunderstood " i heard it all. This boys home life was nothing to do with me so we refused to feel sorry for him.

I agree with this. As sad as it is for him, he is not your problem. Your daughter has to come first. The thing that strikes me is that presumably she’s heading into year 11 which will be full on. She needs to spend the next year concentrating on her exams and her future, not his.

This !!

Stop thinking about the boy's traumas and protect your foolish daughter.

Of course you want to protect your daughter.
And there's good advice already posted on that on here.

Wrt the poor boy, who is absolutely a victim, I'd contact Children Heard and Seen. A charity that supports children with a parent in prison

Am wondering why you have the same thread in teenagers @Mumontheedge1249

Poor boy. Obviously it’s not an excuse, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him and think he is being prayed on by older criminals as well. Poor DD as well.

You need to cut this best friend thing out. She’s not your pal she’s your daughter and you’re her mother. You are in a position of authority and responsibility - not a best friend. I even have to tell my DD “we’re not friends I’m your mummy” when she tells me we’re best friends because I genuinely think it’s unhealthy.

I agree with PP, provide meals with out comment and push on with CHAMS. DO NOT LET THEM FOB HER OFF!! I was in CHAMS when I was a kid, twice. First time I got this woman who was absolutely shit, second time I got a really amazing woman who helped a lot. It’s very luck of the draw in my experience (hopefully this has changed, but from what I hear it hasn’t) so you really need to advocate for your child.

It isnt up to a 15 year old and her mum to save him though, yes it is a shame how he was brought up, but he will have professionals in his life better equipped to guide him.

I'd focus strongly on contraception and secondly on encouraging your daughter to move on with her life.My initial worries would be that's she'll end up pregnant, in trouble herself, in danger as a result of his contacts or qualification less.
I'm not sure what order you tackle those in but your job is to try and get her out of childhood with as positive a future ahead as possible.Forget about being friends with your daughter, she needs a mother.

I think I would try and explain to DD that they can't help each other - she has her own things and he has his troubles, and that he needs to accept professional help for his problems. He will only be able to sort himself out if he starts to accept professional help and he has a long journey to go on.

Basically- the best thing to do sometimes if you love someone is to let them go. You can still hope for the best for them. In the meantime, that she tries to remember what makes her happy and focus on that. There's nothing ever as bad as your first breakup but it gets better.

I'm quite surprised that there were no signs early on in the relationship if this is as bad as it quickly got.

Unfortunately it gave mixed messages to give him another chance, and could have put her at risk, but if you did that in good faith that he would be able to sort himself out then fair enough. Don't feel guilty for doing the right thing now and keeping her safe.

I would be looking for a highly skilled family therapist to help you and your husband navigate this with your daughter as it’s a massively complicated situation and you really have my sympathy.

your first priority is obviously to safeguard her, but I think it needs to explicitly /consistently come from a place of love and compassion for both of these very distressed young people, firstly because this is ethically right and should not need to be explained, and secondly because it is pragmatic and at 15 you are on the very edge of having any control over her whatsoever if she decides she doesn’t want you to.

she has feelings for him, if she sees you being angry or callous towards him she will hate you for it. He has been to hell and back and deserves to be spoken about with care and compassion, always. He has been part of your lives for what will feel like a long time to them. Of course, he is not in a place where he can be part of a healthy relationship, actually neither is she. To her autistic mind, it may even make more sense to frame it like this, people need to be in a good place in themselves to have a relationship, sometimes we have to separate and sort ourselves out before we can do this, and this can mean coming back together later down the road, depending on circumstances , either in a relationship or a friendship. When we really care about each other, the worst thing is to stay together and hurt each other. You need to get her on board on a rational level basically.

you are adults in this poor kids life in whatever form that takes, and if you have the opportunity to give him a small amount of encouragement and support in terms of telling him, you believe in him and acknowledging crisis he is in and his underlying good nature you believe in, it could be completely transformative for him. I say this someone who has had this experience myself.

I’m wondering what the purpose of u commenting that exactly is? Clearly I am looking for people who have been in similar situations previously that may not have teenagers now to look at that’s thread.

i really appreciate your time in responding to my post with sympathy, warmth and guidance. I totally agree with everything u are saying. Some people may see it very black and white as to what to do. I know what needs to happen, it’s how I deal with it on both ends. I love how u have phrased it and i will be saying that to my daughter. Thank u from the bottom of my heart for being so kind and taking the time to reply

i really appreciate your time in responding to my post with sympathy, warmth and guidance. I totally agree with everything u are saying. Some people may see it very black and white as to what to do. I know what needs to happen, it’s how I deal with it on both ends. I love how u have phrased it and i will be saying that to my daughter. Thank u from the bottom of my heart for being so kind and taking the time to reply

Thank you for this ♥️♥️

Yep contraception has always been a strong focus of mine as I could see it heading that way before. Thank u for ur reply x

I get the best friend thing and ofc parenting comes first. But she is ASD so struggles with friendships so I step up taking her places like cinema out to dinner because she doesn’t have friends that do that with her and she is incredibly lonely. It’s all just heartbreaking.

Have u heard about being kind? Don’t call my daughter foolish, she has ASD and is a teen and clearly is in a trauma bonded relationship. Honestly some of u women are vile on here