Stopping 15 year old daughters relationship with criminal boyfriend

[Mumontheedge1249]

I’m pretty sure I know what the responses will be but here we go.
my daughter is 15. She has ASD which I think is a factor to her response to this situation. She has had a boyfriend (whos 14, nearly 15) for a year and a half. Everything was ok for a year I would say, typical teen relationship.
this last 8 months the boyfriend has lost it. His dad was sentenced to 12 years for severe DV against the mum and other women in December and this has made him spiral and go down a very dangerous path.
Jan- April he committed crime after crime. Mostly for violence in the community. But he has also mugged someone and has been caught carrying a knife. I found out he has also been a drug runner for a few months as I found a burner phone in his bag. It was handed into the police. Him and his 4 brothers (all older then him) smoke weed in the house so he constantly reeks of it. He was excluded from mainstream school for fighting and attends a behaviour school for 2 hours a day, when he decides to go. Obviously when I found this all out I stopped her seeing him. My daughter spiralled into a deep deep depression, hurting herself, suicidal, etc. awful time.
They begged me to give him one more chance and he would change as he loved my daughter and they were considering putting him into a children’s home. Seeing my daughter in such a terrible state, I agreed to one last chance. He had a few court cases coming up and he actually stayed out of trouble (April-July) so 3 months.
Unfortunately, the court case which was in August was dropped and within a week he was arrested for violence in the community, apparently him and his brother got into a fight with a taxi driver. Incase it couldn’t get any worse, the police turned up at my house to arrest him, on her 15th birthday this week. She spent the whole day in tears, not eating etc. I said he is never welcome at our house again. She honestly doesn’t care about the crimes and still wants to be with him and is begging for me to let her contact him. She is not angry with him at all which infuriates me and I unfortunately take my frustration out on her so our relationship has suffered this year. She is normally my best friend. It is also causing tensions with me and my husband as he think he should never of been given the original chance to change and hates his guts.
i know his behaviour is from trauma, he has had a terrible upbringing with what he has seen, I’m talking extreme DV, dad threatening to beat up the children in front of the mum, driving to the children’s school when they were younger and waiting to run them over etc. his mum I would say is neglectful, and very very weak parenting wise. She is also very poorly so In and out of hospital almost weekly for long stays.
has anyone been in a similar position? How did it end? What do I honestly do regarding my daughter? I’ve reported him so everyone imaginable to try get him help. Social services, youth offending, police, his school. I’ve wrote anonymous letters to his relatives. Nothing. Please help me!!! One of the worst situations to be in! This is not what I imagined parenting teens would entail!

I agree with everything u say except social services bit. Believe me I have made many referrals about him over the past 8 months to social services , and they have not taken him away. Unfortunately if they are not in immediate danger, they don’t seem to care. And that’s for all the services, police, youth offending. One thing this is taught me is the system is deeply deeply broken and they won’t do anything even if people are crying out for help and are in crisis…. the only time they do is when it’s too late

Yes I agree. She definitely doesn’t want to become pregnant so would t do these things, I watch her take the pill but ideally there would be something more permanent in place I agree. The school know and offer no support whatsoever. Everyone seems to be troubled now days and everyone is overstretched. I have been in meetings in tears begging for help. They talk the talk, but in reality do nothing.

I do monitor, hence why I know everything I do. I haven’t been told any of this stuff willingly. I have gone through phones, bags, listened at doors, made fake social media accounts. Everything. I do nothing but monitor her and her relationships hence why I know everything I know

I do agree and I know this. It’s a very complicated and an incredibly sensitive situation, just wanted advice how best to do it

That's very poor of the school, yes they are stretched but they can still check in with her. Does she have the same head of year going into September from last year? If not, I'd email at the start of year, and explain everything in detail and anything else she's struggling with - depression, and ASD (you've tried a lot, but sometimes different person = different approach). They should refer her to CAHMS for further support. Also make sure her teachers are lenient somewhat and support her with friendships, academics etc. There's likely pastoral support, who can email as well which I'd try if you haven't already.

Also try and find any youth groups or clubs for ASD and additional need kids, it could help her gain independence, understand social situations more, make friends. She must be starting her GCSEs soon, I'm guessing going into Y10? It's so important she gets all the support (more therapy - what specific therapy is she getting? CBT? Psychodynamic?).

The more you ban the relationship the more she will want the relationship it is like now it forbidden I must have it so maybe change tact and stop fighting against this as it is pushing her further into it maybe try accept it n let her know you not happy but if it what she wants then you will b ok if you continue to rail against the relationship you could risk loosing your daughter in more ways then one

S she sees him behind parents back and ends up in worse situation

This and there is a real possibility that if you forbid daughter to see him, they will pursue being together more.
My heart goes out to you OP, I talk from experience when I say there are no easy answers

This is the problem. All the posters saying just ban her from seeing him it’s just not that simple! My DSis was in a similar relationship when she was 14 ( he was 16) and my parents forbade her from seeing him. She just sneaked around and ran away from home multiple times which made the whole situation worse. It’s very tricky.

Let it fizzle out.
I agree with pp, don't stop the relationship but say that he is no longer welcome in your home, you don't like his behaviour, she'll be more open to discussing things, if they go wrong.
Reassure her, that you love her but actions as a teenager impact her whole life.
Best of luck.

I was talking about the PP calling Op’s 13 year old autistic daughter foolish.

Thank u lovely x

She’s already under pastoral at school, her attendance is 50% at the moment just due to struggling so much. She will go in but be sent home crying. We have already discussed home schooling from September, but this isolates her further from friendships and the community. It’s hard decisions all round. She’s actually going into year 11 but currently will only pass English the way it’s going so her mental wellbeing is priority. I’m not sure what the therapy is currently but it’s due to start next month

Just that CBT is more about basic skills you can do for mild anxiety and depression, and may not be as intense support as she needs - something like psychodynamic therapy or other modalities. How regular will the therapy be? As in once a week or more?

I'd try and get in contact with schools DSL if you have any suspicion on county lines or drug possession. Other than getting her more intensive, long-term and regular therapy there's not much else that can be done, other than medication. You need to ask CAHMS to get her to see a psychiatrist for an assesment - one they can look into ADHD and get her on medication for that and two they can get her on antidepressants. In her state they'll prescirbe it even for under 18s. School need to do more strategic though when she starts crying etc, is there a wellbeing room or sensory room she can go to and calm down, and get support or even just chill or talk to staff. She could even start the day there and do a little bit of work and see if that works instead. You are clearly trying a lot, have SS been helpful with her? They can refer for more support workers etc. If you haven't had much from them, in September I'd ask the DSL to do a referral to FS or Early Help, for more support to be honest for both her and you.

Thank you so much for all this advice. Very valuable and I will definitely be doing all of this ♥️ she did do a course of CBT over a year ago. She was in a better place for awhile after but didn’t last long unfortunately. We did have early help coming into school aswell but she was honestly so rubbish. Just speaking to her in corridors for 5 mins, it honestly felt like a tick box thing. But I can try again and hope for a better person this time.
I have never heard of psychodynamic therapy. I will look into it. I asked camhs to consider her for antidepressants but they said that would be the last resort and would like to try other things first. This was 6 months of waiting for the next course of therapy. I have been to the doctors with my evidence of ADHD and I will chase up this week and ask for the right to choose so hopefully she will be seen sooner then later. I haven’t thought about BPD, I will look into that a bit more.
honestly thank u so much for ur advice, it is so much appreciated and thank u for taking time out of ur day to help a stranger in distress! You’ve helped more then u will ever know

I'm so sorry the services haven't been helpful it's honeslty hit or miss and some schools care more. I'd look into Family Solutions that's what FS is should have said but they can help her and sometimes the support workers are amazing) and Early Help. Right to choose is a very good way to speed up the ADHD process. They shouldn't be saying antidepressants are a last resort - aah the evidence and research has changed on this for children in other countries other than the UK. Honeslty hate how we still say low mood and not MDD. I'd ask the GP (ask reception for one with an interest in mental health and even better child's mental health) they can presrcibe without CAHMS permission she should have them, it could save her life and prevent her from being sectioned. She needs a whole assesment from a psychiatrist, which is long and in-depth not just a CAHMS mental health practitioner (they're helpful but not the same). When you do the right to choose also ask the psychiatrist to recommend anything else such as meds they think can be helpful.

Lots of helpful advice on here.

When young, I was in a toxic relationship with someone who engaged in a lot of criminal activity. My poor mum didn't know what to do and decided to not try to split us up as people advised her I was from a good home, I would eventually see sense and banning would make me want to be with him more.
She did her very best (as an adult now it makes me cringe for how she must have felt). It did eventually end after 5 years when I did see sense, but boy I do wish she had actually banned me from seeing him, as behaviours escalated (unknown to mum).

Really good you are ensuring she is taking her daily contraception.

My heart goes out to you OP, it's so so very difficult. 💐

Youth offending should be helping him but he won't be sharing info with you.

Keep your boundaries with daughter. You could permit video calls only so that she can stay friends with him until she is 18?

Get your daughter counselling so she can learn about self care etc and they can challenge any beliefs she might hold about being responsible for saving him etc.
her Asd will likely make her obsessional about him. And over empathetic to him too.

Remind her that your job is to keep her safe and he's not being safe right now.
You can help him but don't have to be ins. Relationship
With him. Etc.

Thank you. It’s really helpful to hear someone who has personally been through it. Were u ever in danger personally? Did he ever get taken away to youth detention/care or anything? How was the relationship on a personal level? It’s heartbreaking because they actually are the best of friends.
I was really hoping he would be taken away to a detention centre this court case that was coming up but it was unfortunately dropped.

Thank u so much. She could take this better that a black and white u can have nothing to do with him. And I think things would obviously then fizzle out