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Original poster

Stopping 15 year old daughters relationship with criminal boyfriend

70 replies

Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 09:34

I’m pretty sure I know what the responses will be but here we go.
my daughter is 15. She has ASD which I think is a factor to her response to this situation. She has had a boyfriend (whos 14, nearly 15) for a year and a half. Everything was ok for a year I would say, typical teen relationship.
this last 8 months the boyfriend has lost it. His dad was sentenced to 12 years for severe DV against the mum and other women in December and this has made him spiral and go down a very dangerous path.
Jan- April he committed crime after crime. Mostly for violence in the community. But he has also mugged someone and has been caught carrying a knife. I found out he has also been a drug runner for a few months as I found a burner phone in his bag. It was handed into the police. Him and his 4 brothers (all older then him) smoke weed in the house so he constantly reeks of it. He was excluded from mainstream school for fighting and attends a behaviour school for 2 hours a day, when he decides to go. Obviously when I found this all out I stopped her seeing him. My daughter spiralled into a deep deep depression, hurting herself, suicidal, etc. awful time.
They begged me to give him one more chance and he would change as he loved my daughter and they were considering putting him into a children’s home. Seeing my daughter in such a terrible state, I agreed to one last chance. He had a few court cases coming up and he actually stayed out of trouble (April-July) so 3 months.
Unfortunately, the court case which was in August was dropped and within a week he was arrested for violence in the community, apparently him and his brother got into a fight with a taxi driver. Incase it couldn’t get any worse, the police turned up at my house to arrest him, on her 15th birthday this week. She spent the whole day in tears, not eating etc. I said he is never welcome at our house again. She honestly doesn’t care about the crimes and still wants to be with him and is begging for me to let her contact him. She is not angry with him at all which infuriates me and I unfortunately take my frustration out on her so our relationship has suffered this year. She is normally my best friend. It is also causing tensions with me and my husband as he think he should never of been given the original chance to change and hates his guts.
i know his behaviour is from trauma, he has had a terrible upbringing with what he has seen, I’m talking extreme DV, dad threatening to beat up the children in front of the mum, driving to the children’s school when they were younger and waiting to run them over etc. his mum I would say is neglectful, and very very weak parenting wise. She is also very poorly so In and out of hospital almost weekly for long stays.
has anyone been in a similar position? How did it end? What do I honestly do regarding my daughter? I’ve reported him so everyone imaginable to try get him help. Social services, youth offending, police, his school. I’ve wrote anonymous letters to his relatives. Nothing. Please help me!!! One of the worst situations to be in! This is not what I imagined parenting teens would entail!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 11:45

Catsandcannedbeans · 10/08/2025 10:52

Poor boy. Obviously it’s not an excuse, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him and think he is being prayed on by older criminals as well. Poor DD as well.

You need to cut this best friend thing out. She’s not your pal she’s your daughter and you’re her mother. You are in a position of authority and responsibility - not a best friend. I even have to tell my DD “we’re not friends I’m your mummy” when she tells me we’re best friends because I genuinely think it’s unhealthy.

I agree with PP, provide meals with out comment and push on with CHAMS. DO NOT LET THEM FOB HER OFF!! I was in CHAMS when I was a kid, twice. First time I got this woman who was absolutely shit, second time I got a really amazing woman who helped a lot. It’s very luck of the draw in my experience (hopefully this has changed, but from what I hear it hasn’t) so you really need to advocate for your child.

She is under camhs who did absolutely nothing for her. I have called again back in July and she now has counselling sessions coming up next month. I don’t hold out much hope though. But thankyou for ur guidance x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 11:46

youreactinglikeafunmum · 10/08/2025 09:51

I think I'd ban him from seeing her and manage the fallout with dd

Following through with cahms, provide three meals a day without comment, keeping the routine at home exactly the same, keeping cool and level headed

Be strong, dont give in to her threats to kill herself etc (I know, easier said than done)

Just keep strong - that boy is on a dangerous path. Maybe you can help him in other ways, but he cannot be with your daughter xx

Thank you for this, very much appreciated ♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 11:48

Saz12 · 10/08/2025 09:52

I've NO useful advice. But it struck me that "she's my best friend" about your 15 year old isn't right - she should be breaking away a little to be independent, and still needs parents but friends of her own.

In an ideal world 100% she would be independent and have her own friends. She has ASD and try’s and try’s to make friends but it’s just hard for her, so I’ve been playing both roles because she is so lonely it’s heartbreaking. obviously parenting comes first but it’s gotten so complicated x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 11:49

TheSandgroper · 10/08/2025 09:58

I do not have a daughter with ASD nor have a had experience with violence so these are random thoughts.

  • ASD children develop about five years slower than NT children. You say she is 14 - her emotional age is likely to be younger.
  • she isn’t your friend. She is your daughter and a young one at that. Parent your daughter and find friends elsewhere.
  • If she has a phone and other devices, you need to install the best parent lock you can and you need to mirror it onto yours. You need to see everything she says and does.
  • all devices need to be taken away early every single night. We had to lock them in a box and hide the key each night at that age.
  • she needs other activities. Preferably something outside. Fresh air and green surroundings are really good for ASD children.
  • at 14, no matter her emotional age, her hormones are raging. You must parent with her father firmly and fairly and together.
  • the one thing you have never been and your husband has is a 14 year old boy. They are different from us, violence aside. Listen to your husband.

All very good advice, thank you for this and I will definitely be doing some of ur suggestions x

OP posts:
SmallBox · 10/08/2025 11:50

If you can persuade her would she get the implant/coil/something that doesn't need to be done daily as a form of contraception? That she can't deliberately misuse if he pressures her?

Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 11:51

PolyVagalNerve · 10/08/2025 10:02

OP

you have good advise on your exact same thread about this currently running,

are u canvassing for different views because doing the right thing is hard ??

no one in their right mind is going to be saying anything different -

you take control
cut the contact with the lad at all cost
tolerate the distress / emotional fallout from your DD
know that this is in everyone’s best interest
breath
this will get easier
UNLESS you buckle and let him back in

nothing more to say.

Edited

Thank u got ur advice and I agree with it all, albeit very blunt!
I have posted again here hoping to find people who have been through the teenage years who may of potentially dealt with similar circumstances

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 11:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thank u. She has been through camhs before him and is due to start some counselling for low self esteem next month. I will be mentioning all of this for her to get some help

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2025 11:53

Fucking hell, how did the relationship get so deep, she's a vulnerable minor.

You obviously knew he had a unstable background before his Dad went to prison, smelling weed from his clothing, a drug runner, when did you first smell weed from him? Discover the burner phone?

Why on earth have you let it go this far?

If she does come out of this relationship and manage a decent life, she'll judge your parenting, you better hope she won't continue chasing this type of partner, her life will be terrible.

StarCourt · 10/08/2025 11:54

Redburnett · 10/08/2025 10:39

Stop thinking about the boy's traumas and protect your foolish daughter.

Did you mean to be so rude???
Did you not read that the Op’s daughter is autistic ?

mugglewump · 10/08/2025 11:56

Banning her from seeing him is only going to create a wedge between you - and once you've broken your relationship with her, you have lost her for good. Instead, ban him from your house - your place your rules - and insist she comes home every night and has a tracker on her phone for her safety. Then you need to work on talking to her abut why you are putting these things in place in the hope that she understands it is for her safety, and not because you don't like him. Help her to understand that it is his poor choices that you have a problem with and not him as a person. They are still very young. The relationship won't last, but hopefully, through calm discussion and love, you can show her why she needs to find somebody very different next time.

Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:15

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2025 11:53

Fucking hell, how did the relationship get so deep, she's a vulnerable minor.

You obviously knew he had a unstable background before his Dad went to prison, smelling weed from his clothing, a drug runner, when did you first smell weed from him? Discover the burner phone?

Why on earth have you let it go this far?

If she does come out of this relationship and manage a decent life, she'll judge your parenting, you better hope she won't continue chasing this type of partner, her life will be terrible.

Edited

i obviously did not know about his unstable background before his dad went to prison in December. This is hardly something people go round announcing, I found out from his mum when he has been sentenced. Are u saying everyone should turn there back on him because of his unstable background he had absolutely no control over? Adults have failed him.
the burner phone was found in April, I told his mum, he got taken into care for a short period of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:17

mugglewump · 10/08/2025 11:56

Banning her from seeing him is only going to create a wedge between you - and once you've broken your relationship with her, you have lost her for good. Instead, ban him from your house - your place your rules - and insist she comes home every night and has a tracker on her phone for her safety. Then you need to work on talking to her abut why you are putting these things in place in the hope that she understands it is for her safety, and not because you don't like him. Help her to understand that it is his poor choices that you have a problem with and not him as a person. They are still very young. The relationship won't last, but hopefully, through calm discussion and love, you can show her why she needs to find somebody very different next time.

Thank you for this. And ur certainly right it is just creating a wedge between me and my daughter currently unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:23

SmallBox · 10/08/2025 11:50

If you can persuade her would she get the implant/coil/something that doesn't need to be done daily as a form of contraception? That she can't deliberately misuse if he pressures her?

I would prefer a more permanent contraceptive but she won’t even go anywhere near a needle so the coil being fitted wouldn’t happen. She is on the pill and I give it to her daily so no chance of misuse.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 10/08/2025 12:24

controlling and monitoring teens who are good at hiding stuff is notoriously hard/basically impossible. I grew up in a very authoritarian household and as a result I git really good at keeping my secrets and doing what I wanted without my dad’s knowledge. People here are giving the OP (who has come looking for help and support in a crisis) a hard time for allowing the situation. hilarious and good luck to you if you find you have a teen who wants to hide stuff from you. You can think you’ve got the closest most open relationship and not realise there’s a whole double life going on, especially now kids don’t even have to go out /use the landline to communicate with each other . That was lucky enough to find yourself not in. These situations will no doubt congratulate yourself for your excellent parenting. Please don’t be so smug, this shit can happen to anyone.

Clearly you’ve tried your best OP, you deserve constructive support not ripping apart by a load of ignorant people who only see blood as a reason to show care towards a child. Fuck them all, leave the thread when it no longer serves you and good luck.

Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:32

Driftingawaynow · 10/08/2025 12:24

controlling and monitoring teens who are good at hiding stuff is notoriously hard/basically impossible. I grew up in a very authoritarian household and as a result I git really good at keeping my secrets and doing what I wanted without my dad’s knowledge. People here are giving the OP (who has come looking for help and support in a crisis) a hard time for allowing the situation. hilarious and good luck to you if you find you have a teen who wants to hide stuff from you. You can think you’ve got the closest most open relationship and not realise there’s a whole double life going on, especially now kids don’t even have to go out /use the landline to communicate with each other . That was lucky enough to find yourself not in. These situations will no doubt congratulate yourself for your excellent parenting. Please don’t be so smug, this shit can happen to anyone.

Clearly you’ve tried your best OP, you deserve constructive support not ripping apart by a load of ignorant people who only see blood as a reason to show care towards a child. Fuck them all, leave the thread when it no longer serves you and good luck.

150000% right.Thank u so much for this. I only found all this information through checking her phone, going through his bag when he was round, listening at the door, making fake social media accounts and checking on both of them. Messaging the mum herself. I’ve been like an absolute detective! If I wasn’t the way I was, I would know none of this because teenagers are not going to tell u this stuff. Everything I have found out this way, I have not been told. The first I would have know about it would have been this week when the police turned up at my house to arrest him. We are a normal family, and my girls are from a loving and stable home. It can happen to anyone x

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2025 12:33

StarCourt · 10/08/2025 11:54

Did you mean to be so rude???
Did you not read that the Op’s daughter is autistic ?

Show quote history

Even more of a reason to monitor friendship groups early, diverting and distraction.
I think it is too late to stop the relationship now. It'll make them more determination to be together.
You can only hope she agrees with you, next time, intervene much earlier.
This is the reason DC on the spectrum need robust supervision in making adult decisions.

RIPMTV · 10/08/2025 12:35

Haven’t read all replies, but presumably police and children’s social care are involved with the boy?

Social care need to be aware that he is in a relationship with your daughter - a vulnerable child with SEND. Are they?

JFDIYOLO · 10/08/2025 12:38

This boy and his family sadly are dangerous. This will only end badly, in more violence, crime, prison and possibly early death.

You have a duty as her mother to guide, teach and protect her.

Stop thinking of yourself as your daughter's best friend.

And she needs to learn that it's not women's job to fix damaged men. They need professional help that neither of you can give.

Can you get her away from the area? A trip, holiday, visit family etc for the rest of the summer holiday? Encourage her into interests where she'll meet new people?

wizzywig · 10/08/2025 12:40

Please check that she hasn't gotten involved in county lines if he has done drug possession. His welfare is not your issue. Harsh but prioritize your daughter (as you are). First love is heavy going. Even more so for a lonely asd child. I think this will be quite a learning journey for you as parents. Good luck x

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2025 12:41

Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:15

i obviously did not know about his unstable background before his dad went to prison in December. This is hardly something people go round announcing, I found out from his mum when he has been sentenced. Are u saying everyone should turn there back on him because of his unstable background he had absolutely no control over? Adults have failed him.
the burner phone was found in April, I told his mum, he got taken into care for a short period of time.

Edited
Show quote history

You should turn your back on him, not because he had a traumatic background but because he is a criminal, drug dealer, weed addict before his 16th birthday and your daughters boyfriend.
If you want to help teenagers in trouble, volunteer.
Many teenagers from chaotic homes don't commit crimes.
I'm from a working class area. I know lot's of boys in similar positions. I'm sympathetic, I'll help them, however, none would be dating my 16 y.o ASD daughter.

Original poster
Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:46

RIPMTV · 10/08/2025 12:35

Haven’t read all replies, but presumably police and children’s social care are involved with the boy?

Social care need to be aware that he is in a relationship with your daughter - a vulnerable child with SEND. Are they?

Yes he is under every professional agency going. Youth offending, police, social worker.
and they are now aware he is in a relationship with my daughter and there pointing professionals out way too to support

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 10/08/2025 12:57

Mumontheedge1249 · 10/08/2025 12:23

I would prefer a more permanent contraceptive but she won’t even go anywhere near a needle so the coil being fitted wouldn’t happen. She is on the pill and I give it to her daily so no chance of misuse.

Show quote history

She can vomit it out, hide it under her tongue - just saying there are ways. She can have local anesthetic for a coil to be put in, and licodaine injection into the cervix (she'll be lying down so she won't see or know), numbing spray, take paracetamol an hour before and gas and air soemtimes. It works for 8 years now the mirena coil for contraception (5 for other issues). I'd have slow and gentle conversations about it and see if she gets more responsive to the idea. She may need more explanations on the dangers of unprotected sex and work on ensuring if anything happens (with this guy or another) she uses a condom.

Does her school know? Are they supporting her? If so, how?

TheLivelyViper · 10/08/2025 13:02

Plus when they put the coil in, there isn't a needle, it's just the speculum which can be uncomfortable but hopefully with pain meds it wouldn't be too bad.

JFDIYOLO · 10/08/2025 13:07

The thing that most worried me is this:

Sooner or later your child will find herself on the receiving end of this thug's fist or knife.

His godawful upbringing, what he witnessed of male violence against women, his own drug use and violent behaviour are a one way ticket.

I do pity him. But his is not your story, and don't let it be your daughter's.

Social services are already heading your way. You're on their radar. Do you not realise if you don't deal with this, you could lose her?

Stand up, adult up and say NO.

JMSA · 10/08/2025 13:08

Poor kids 😢
I feel for everyone concerned.

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