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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil upset

75 replies

LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 15:35

This is quite outing so I'm changing slight details, my sil has been in hospital twice in the last few months. Can't say why as outing. They live 2 hour drive away from us. First time she was in hospital we went to see her at the weekend ( we both work during the week and children at school) 2nd time she was in hospital has fallen in the summer holidays, we are both working and have the children to keep entertained as its the summer holidays. Had asked if we can visit at a weekend, given 2 weekends that we are free, no we can't come then as they are busy,fine. Have had a message saying she feels let down and that we don't care as we haven't called her ( have text numerous times but was told she felt exhausted and dizzy ) now I'm left wondering if we are being unreasonable and should we be making more effort

OP posts:
Lemonadeat8 · 09/08/2025 15:37

She’s being unreasonable.

Springadorable · 09/08/2025 15:38

I would've sent a care package of some sort, especially if she's in hospital more than a few days. It does kind of come across that you feel like you feel like it's too much hassle to go. Also depends why she's in and the prognosis really.

AnSolas · 09/08/2025 15:44

Her partner has not bothered to spend even 5 min on the phone and is only texting?

HiBU, face time or just an old fashioned phone call is in order.

TenderChicken · 09/08/2025 15:46

Does she have no partner or family of her own? Are you genuinely the closest people she has?

And is she wanting you to come to the hospital because she actually needs assistance, or just because she thinks it's the thing you should do?

It seems weird to me, that you want your sibling who lives 2 hours away to come visit you in hospital.

Laiste · 09/08/2025 15:50

I know you've changed details to be vague OP but is this DHs sister? Or your brothers wife? It sort of matters wrt how much you feel you should be doing.

Is there no closer family ? Her partner, her parents?

Helpmeplease2025 · 09/08/2025 15:51

Yanbu. Is she in hospital for reasons that might make her find things harder to process/deal with, eg mental illness?

CagneyNYPD1 · 09/08/2025 15:52

Is this your DH’s sister or your brother’s wife?

Laiste · 09/08/2025 15:52

And yes 2 hours away i wouldn't be expecting a hospital visit if it was me in there. One of you could have called though - easy to ring her in hospital. Who ever is the sibling could have spared 10 mins ....

CarpetKnees · 09/08/2025 16:02

There are quite a few 'it depends' in here, but, if I were in hospital, yes I'd hope people would come and visit.
I also have visited my SiL a few times in the last couple of years (more like 3 hours away) because of her hospital visits.

Of course all sorts of 'it depends' here such as what she is in for / what type of work you both do and how flexible it is / ages of dc / how much time you have off / etc etc.

LlamaNoDrama · 09/08/2025 16:06

I wouldn't expect any of my family (apart from dh or kids) to visit me if I was in hospital and hours away unless it was life or death

Tagyoureit · 09/08/2025 16:09

Being a bit precious isn't she?

I wouldnt expect anyone apart from my own DH to drive 2 hours to see me in hospital.

DeedlessIndeed · 09/08/2025 16:09

I think it's reasonable to say that mid-week you aren't able to visit someone, in person, multiple hours away, and to ask to visit on the weekends instead. Especially if you are messaging well-wishing messages in between.

It would still be a fair effort, albeit one you'd happily make, to take kids a couple of hours drive each way (4+ hours driving in a day) to visit hospital for a sick relative on the weekend. But weekends generally are a bit less busy.

Of course, it really does depend. If she has had a serious diagnosis and has asked for more support, then I can see how it'd be nice to visit immediately. But for a broken leg? Surely she can understand that families cannot drop everything, and a couple of days wait is to be expected.

Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:09

Springadorable · 09/08/2025 15:38

I would've sent a care package of some sort, especially if she's in hospital more than a few days. It does kind of come across that you feel like you feel like it's too much hassle to go. Also depends why she's in and the prognosis really.

Yes i should have sent a care package, she has to be on a certain diet so I wasn't sure what to send, prognosis is good can't say too much

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:10

AnSolas · 09/08/2025 15:44

Her partner has not bothered to spend even 5 min on the phone and is only texting?

HiBU, face time or just an old fashioned phone call is in order.

I dont understand what her partner has to do with this? She's my sil as in my husbands sister

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:15

TenderChicken · 09/08/2025 15:46

Does she have no partner or family of her own? Are you genuinely the closest people she has?

And is she wanting you to come to the hospital because she actually needs assistance, or just because she thinks it's the thing you should do?

It seems weird to me, that you want your sibling who lives 2 hours away to come visit you in hospital.

Yes she does all who live nearer to her and who are supporting her, she doesn't need assistance she just thinks we should go. Thinks we should have gone to see her and not made plans the weekend after she was in hospital ( plans were made before we knew)

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:18

Laiste · 09/08/2025 15:50

I know you've changed details to be vague OP but is this DHs sister? Or your brothers wife? It sort of matters wrt how much you feel you should be doing.

Is there no closer family ? Her partner, her parents?

Dhs sister, although I would be the same if it was my brothers wife I can't see why that makes a difference

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:23

Helpmeplease2025 · 09/08/2025 15:51

Yanbu. Is she in hospital for reasons that might make her find things harder to process/deal with, eg mental illness?

Not mental illness, let's just say she won't need to go back to hospital again

OP posts:
Helpmeplease2025 · 09/08/2025 17:23

LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:15

Yes she does all who live nearer to her and who are supporting her, she doesn't need assistance she just thinks we should go. Thinks we should have gone to see her and not made plans the weekend after she was in hospital ( plans were made before we knew)

Show quote history

Is she generally like this? She sounds really hard work, and self-centred.

AS shows shes got a history of this too.

Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:26

Laiste · 09/08/2025 15:52

And yes 2 hours away i wouldn't be expecting a hospital visit if it was me in there. One of you could have called though - easy to ring her in hospital. Who ever is the sibling could have spared 10 mins ....

I wouldn't expect the visit either, I will take on board that one of us should have called, I would be happy with a few texts and wouldn't expect a visit in the summer holidays when I know people have jobs and children to juggle

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:52

CarpetKnees · 09/08/2025 16:02

There are quite a few 'it depends' in here, but, if I were in hospital, yes I'd hope people would come and visit.
I also have visited my SiL a few times in the last couple of years (more like 3 hours away) because of her hospital visits.

Of course all sorts of 'it depends' here such as what she is in for / what type of work you both do and how flexible it is / ages of dc / how much time you have off / etc etc.

Too outing to say what she's in for,she's been in twice and won't have to go in again, we both work mon to Friday not from home, work opposite shifts to be able to share childcare, only one of us drives

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:53

LlamaNoDrama · 09/08/2025 16:06

I wouldn't expect any of my family (apart from dh or kids) to visit me if I was in hospital and hours away unless it was life or death

Edited

This is how I feel, it's not life or death

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 17:54

DeedlessIndeed · 09/08/2025 16:09

I think it's reasonable to say that mid-week you aren't able to visit someone, in person, multiple hours away, and to ask to visit on the weekends instead. Especially if you are messaging well-wishing messages in between.

It would still be a fair effort, albeit one you'd happily make, to take kids a couple of hours drive each way (4+ hours driving in a day) to visit hospital for a sick relative on the weekend. But weekends generally are a bit less busy.

Of course, it really does depend. If she has had a serious diagnosis and has asked for more support, then I can see how it'd be nice to visit immediately. But for a broken leg? Surely she can understand that families cannot drop everything, and a couple of days wait is to be expected.

This is how I feel, it's not life or death

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 18:01

DeedlessIndeed · 09/08/2025 16:09

I think it's reasonable to say that mid-week you aren't able to visit someone, in person, multiple hours away, and to ask to visit on the weekends instead. Especially if you are messaging well-wishing messages in between.

It would still be a fair effort, albeit one you'd happily make, to take kids a couple of hours drive each way (4+ hours driving in a day) to visit hospital for a sick relative on the weekend. But weekends generally are a bit less busy.

Of course, it really does depend. If she has had a serious diagnosis and has asked for more support, then I can see how it'd be nice to visit immediately. But for a broken leg? Surely she can understand that families cannot drop everything, and a couple of days wait is to be expected.

Replied to wrong message, what would you consider a serious diagnosis? Something life threatening? I personally wouldn't class it as a serious diagnosis, it's not life or death, but also isn't something like a broken leg, they weren't in hospital for long weeks or anything like that, are upset they haven't had a home visit the weekend after they were home, offered to go at times convenient for us but turned that down, absolutely doesn't understand that families cannot drop everything

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 18:04

Helpmeplease2025 · 09/08/2025 17:23

Is she generally like this? She sounds really hard work, and self-centred.

AS shows shes got a history of this too.

Show quote history

She has got a history of telling us off, but does it in such a way that leaves me questioning if I'm in the wrong

OP posts:
Helpmeplease2025 · 09/08/2025 18:11

LouXx12 · 09/08/2025 18:04

She has got a history of telling us off, but does it in such a way that leaves me questioning if I'm in the wrong

Show quote history

That’s exactly what manipulative people do.