Sil upset

[LouXx12]

This is quite outing so I'm changing slight details, my sil has been in hospital twice in the last few months. Can't say why as outing. They live 2 hour drive away from us. First time she was in hospital we went to see her at the weekend ( we both work during the week and children at school) 2nd time she was in hospital has fallen in the summer holidays, we are both working and have the children to keep entertained as its the summer holidays. Had asked if we can visit at a weekend, given 2 weekends that we are free, no we can't come then as they are busy,fine. Have had a message saying she feels let down and that we don't care as we haven't called her ( have text numerous times but was told she felt exhausted and dizzy ) now I'm left wondering if we are being unreasonable and should we be making more effort

It does feel quite manipulative but i feel bad saying that as she's been in hospital

I get this kind of crap from my family. I agree it's complete manipulation and only tends to have the opposite effect on me. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for her.

Missing text ☺️ scolding your partner for being a poor sibling..👀

Should read :

Her brother your partner has not bothered to spend even 5 min on the phone and is only texting?
HiBU, face time or just an old fashioned phone call is in order.

Then she can get to fuck!! The more you say, the more self centred she sounds. She has support, she doesn't need you running around after her.

I'd be distancing myself from now on!!

Telling you off? Who the hell does she think she is? Ooo, im so annoyed on your behalf now!

She sounds like she is a leading lady in her own mind type.

You have done nothing wrong.

Totally unreasonable to expect a visit. Would expect a phone call or a text.

Thank you! She has me questioning if I'm a bad person for not putting her infront of my own children and families needs,she has lots of support, I am annoyed but I don't want to argue with someone who's not long been in hospital.

Maybe we are in the wrong for not phoning, but I suspect even if we had phoned it still wouldn't have been enough

Aresholes end up in hospital sometimes, You've offered visits but theyve been turned down so she can sod off imo, wouldn't be apologising at all.

Is it appendicitis removal?

Not appendicitis removal, something similar, we have offered visits so in my opinion she's just being difficult and wanted us to visit when she wanted, not when it was convenient for us, if she's declining the visits when we are free, what can we do?

Sounds like she has acquired illness identity and wants as much attention as possible and if you aren’t doing enough, you are cold-hearted.
Don’t get sucked in by her emotional manipulation.
Gall bladder surgery (for example) is not an everyone gather round and speak in hushed tones for the majority of otherwise well patients. However there is a minority of people who feel like the smallest iota of the medical history needs to be common knowledge. Next you will be scolded for not wishing her well before she goes to the doctors to see about potential piles!

Apologies @LouXx12 I wasn't intending to demand the answers, my post was more to say it is difficult for us to answer the opening post as all those things would make a difference to me.

Your later answers - particularly the information you are both working FT, out of the home, and on opposite shifts makes a huge difference to my thinking. Add in the fact that, despite that, you had still offered twice to go down when you could, but that wasn't convenient for them.

Are you from Belfast/ NI by any chance? Lol

She is attention seeking so why feed it?

I think she is being awkward and is not happy that we couldn't go when she wanted us to go, so even though we have offered to go twice, it's not good enough

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You can’t get pissy with people for not visiting when you’ve turned down 2 different weekends - and she can’t be that unwell if she’s busy!

She wants you to pander to her and beg forgiveness. My advice would be to play your SIL at her own game. Send her a message something along the lines of “We’re sorry that you feel let down, but we feel wrong-footed considering we did offer to visit on two separate weekends and you turned us down. We both have full time jobs and it’s the summer holidays so we are doing our best to juggle work and childcare, and we would hope you would be a bit more understanding that we cannot just chop and change plans on a whim. We would still like to see you, at a date/time that is convenient for everyone. Will leave the ball in your court - let us know when you’re free.”

Same . Unless im on my death bed of course in which case they better get over quick time 😂😂

This is a good call thank you

My thoughts too! She is not on her death bed!

So that just 100 per cent confirmed it. I mean you was in the right anyway but unless someone is dying ppl dont tend to drop everything for a two hour journey, and if it was me if be insiting you dont put yourself out actually but thats just me.

I personally wouldn't want people coming to see me when I'm not myself, certainly wouldn't want people to make a 4 hour round trip with children when I can't host them, feed them etc, it's no fun for the children especially in the summer holidays

She sounds like a complete drama llama , just carry on as normal and she can get over her ‘upset’ or not , her choice .

I'm torn on this as in theory I wouldn't expect my Brother and his partner to come and visit me when I was in hospital unless gravely I'll - they live about 1.5 hrs away from me but have no children - both work FT but in the types of jobs where they are home by 5/6pm.

However a few years ago I had to have surgery having been quite poorly - I was only in hospital 2 days but recovery took several months - they visited once to bring my DDad who called me every day (! Was unexpected ) - they did send a lovely bouquet of flowers.

2 years ago I had breast cancer - caught very early - day surgery and radiotherapy - off work about 2weeks - my DB and partner didn't really speak to me about it, visit, send card or anything - it's like it was not important

Before it happened I would have laughed about being needy for a visit but in the moment going through it I had a few moments when I wished DB had visited , told me it was crap and given me a hug and just come for a couple of hours - I had DH & DS at home but it was wanting someone else who I share a different relationship with but a close family one that I wished had "cared" - I appreciate that sounds a bit selfish but it's how I felt

Looking at it from this perspective I wouldnt want her to feel like we didnt care,but its not like we don't care or haven't mentioned it like your db, we have seen her twice since her first hospital stay and have offered to see her this time but have been told she's busy, hope you are feeling better 💐

Would you have sent a message to your Db telling him you felt hurt and let down and then if he explained reasons for not coming immediately then told him his reasons were excuses