Sil upset

[LouXx12]

This is quite outing so I'm changing slight details, my sil has been in hospital twice in the last few months. Can't say why as outing. They live 2 hour drive away from us. First time she was in hospital we went to see her at the weekend ( we both work during the week and children at school) 2nd time she was in hospital has fallen in the summer holidays, we are both working and have the children to keep entertained as its the summer holidays. Had asked if we can visit at a weekend, given 2 weekends that we are free, no we can't come then as they are busy,fine. Have had a message saying she feels let down and that we don't care as we haven't called her ( have text numerous times but was told she felt exhausted and dizzy ) now I'm left wondering if we are being unreasonable and should we be making more effort

I'd be slowly moving but surely having less and less to do with her. You are quite definitely not being unreasonable.

I would send her nothing at all, ever again. Let your husband deal with her if he wants to. You won't win, she will never back down and she won't learn anything. All you can do is remove yourself and not allow her to play you,

Surely that was obvious? Why aren’t other people calling and visiting? Are you the only ones who can call and visit?

She sounds like one of those people who actually enjoys being ill at the thought of all the fuss and attention she’ll get. And kicks off when this is not the case..

Demand fuss = get 0 attention at all, in my book

I do think it is crap of your partner not to have phoned and sent flowers. A text is so low effort.

But I don't think you have to visit.

Other people have called and visited infant her friends have been more supportive than us 🙄 apparently

*infact

You have to learn to think "who cares?" She is doing this on purpose, she will learn nothing, she will not change. You can continue to tolerate her ridiculous, bullying behaviour or you can remove yourself from the equation altogether.

He absolutely did call and send gifts last time, I think because it's the 2nd hospital visit for the same thing in a very short space of time he just didn't think he needed to again, had we been allowed to visit we definitely would have taken something

It's the children I feel sad for hers and ours ( cousins) if we cut contact

You are only responsible for your children, many kids have distant relationships with their cousins, and barely even notice. If she is self centred, self pitying, controlling and gaslighting she is not a good influence or a reliable adult to spend time around your children anyway. Toxic people (a rather outdated and overused phrase but I think fair here) do not limit their toxicity to just one or two areas, they leak their little poisons into all their relationships.

Of course, it's up to you, but I know that people like your sil simply do not change, you can bend yourself in a pretzel and still receive the same nonsense in return, or you can just walk away.

Oh I see what you mean, she’s being a tad manipulative here I think. Thing is you know you’ve been reasonable and she’s declined suggested visits so I think you’ve been fair.

People are trying to suss out the relationship to see whether she's your brother's wife (and therefore has a partner) or is husband's sister (and might be single with no immediate support).

I think it's pretty shameful that in however many months you've not been arsed to pick up a phone and say "So how are things?".

Would you have sent a message to your Db telling him you felt hurt and let down and then if he explained reasons for not coming immediately then told him his reasons were excuses

No I didn't send a message nor have I ever told him that's how I felt at that time, if it happened again I still wouldn't send such a message

Iam doing good , thank you

We have picked up the phone in the last few months, just not right away after the last hospital stay

How to advertise you haven't read the thread properly!!

@LouXx12 has picked up the phone, offered twice to come over when it suited OP and her family around work, pre-booked outings etc. The SIL isn't on her own, isn't dying, she just being manipulative! The SIL doesn't get to dictate to @LouXx12 that she should be prioritising her needs, no sorry, demands over her own family. That's not on.

Her brother couldn't have spared the time?

Why are you and your DH lumped together? He should have shown a bit more care towards his sister.

So why couldn't her brother have gone on his own?

Thank you! I keep questioning if I'm an awful person

I said previously I take on board one of us should have called

Family whatsapp group so grouped together in that sense that she's let down by us, I don't know maybe I should have reminded him to call in her eyes

Have previously answered we both work full time opposite shifts so if one is at work the other has the kids, only one of us drives! Both work Monday to Friday! Offered to go twice and was told not convenient

I'm another who hates being visited in hospital (unless I'm having a baby). Trying to make conversation with people when all you have to talk about is what hurts, what the doctors say and how badly Her In The Next Bed behaves...ghastly.

But your SIL has Main Character Syndrome very badly. She presumably hasn't had any kind of brain surgery which might remove her memory of how you have to work opposite shifts, 5 day week, young children, etc? So she knows why it would be hard for you to visit, she just wants to check that when she says jump you will be leaping.

I'd send a text saying 'sorry we can't seem to arrange a time to visit you; hope your recovery continues and hope to see you sometime soon.' That's it. The sending flowers etc is on your DH and not your problem, her beef is with him not you, and she just has to suck up being 'unvisited'. She'll get over it as soon as she realises that you won't come running when she calls.

He - not you - should have called. But it's just not that big a deal either way, lots of people don't make phone calls these days, it's pretty standard to just send messages. I think people forget the phone didn't even exist till not that long ago, we used to have to go days or even weeks until letters etc could reach someone.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there, she's in the wrong.