Feeling left out

Fern346 · 2025-08-08T22:39:18+00:00

*IBU* Had the opportunity to live in Spain for a few months while on maternity leave with my second child. My parents came out to stay with me for two weeks, my sister. Husband and young children booked a house in the next town along for the following two weeks and my parents have now gone to stay with them. They live close to my parents in the UKand my parents see their kids at least once a week while we live far away and don’t see them very often (unless we drive to theirs). While they have been here, they have barely messaged us to meet up, leaving me to constantly message them asking what the plan is, often to find out they have Already having made plans and just about to leave, meaning I have very little time to get the kids ready and head out to meet them. I completely understand that this is their holiday but I can’t help but feel left out. The only thing they have asked so far is for me to make a reservation at a restaurant as they don’t speak any Spanish! So I feel somewhat used. I brought this up with my parents only to be told to grow up and that I was being unfair as this is my sisters holiday which is only short and I will be here for a long time. It’s is also my birthday tomorrow, but no plans have been suggested, and no one has asked what I might like to do to celebrate. AIBU?

londongirl12 · 08/08/2025 23:41

I don’t understand. You’ve had a baby and moved to Spain, but your DH and other kids were back in the UK, but have now come to Spain and not staying with you?

londongirl12 · 08/08/2025 23:43

Oh hang on, your sister, her DH and kids are now out in Spain? Punctuation in the wrong place.

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 23:48

I think your OP is very clear.

YANBU. How rude! I'm on the opposing side of this (DBs live abroad and I feel like mum cherishes her time with them more, but it's less frequent so I understand). I think it's very poor that they aren't prioritising seeing you when seeing you less and also poor not to have planned anything for your birthday.

I'm hoping they've got a surprise up their sleeve for tomorrow. Otherwise, I'd stop putting effort in. Wait for them to come to you and don't put your happiness in their hands.

CLola24 · 08/08/2025 23:55

Been there. Kept on kept on happening. I don't have a relationship with my dad anymore chiefly because of this. It's so hurtful, you feel you're going crazy.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know how lonely it can make you feel, so wanted to let you know that you're not the only one out there who's gone through this 💗

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 00:02

But she’s just spent a fortnight staying with you, right? Then your sister arrived and they’ve gone to stay with them in a different town, and are focusing more on spending time with them.

Original poster

Fern346 · 09/08/2025 01:04

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 00:02

But she’s just spent a fortnight staying with you, right? Then your sister arrived and they’ve gone to stay with them in a different town, and are focusing more on spending time with them.

Yes, I suppose it’s that my parents live very close to my sister in the UK and look after her children all the time, whereas I live far away from them in them UK and see them every couple of months. I’m not upset about them spending time with my sisters family, it’s more that I would like to be involved and included in plans rather than be an after thought, especially as they have chosen to come to the area I am currently living in for their holiday.

maybe I am being over sensitive and over reacting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fern346 · 09/08/2025 01:05

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 00:02

But she’s just spent a fortnight staying with you, right? Then your sister arrived and they’ve gone to stay with them in a different town, and are focusing more on spending time with them.

Yes, I suppose it’s that my parents live very close to my sister in the UK and look after her children all the time, whereas I live far away from them in them UK and see them every couple of months. I’m not upset about them spending time with my sisters family, it’s more that I would like to be involved and included in plans rather than be an after thought, especially as they have chosen to come to the area I am currently living in for their holiday.

maybe I am being over sensitive and over reacting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fern346 · 09/08/2025 01:13

londongirl12 · 08/08/2025 23:41

I don’t understand. You’ve had a baby and moved to Spain, but your DH and other kids were back in the UK, but have now come to Spain and not staying with you?

Sorry, I haven’t moved to Spain I’m just spending a few months here whilst on maternity leave (DHs family has a holiday home here). Back in the UK I live quite far away (3.5 hr drive) from my parents and sister, who live close to each other and see each other at least once a week.

My parents have just stayed with me for two weeks, my sister has now arrived to stay in a different house and my parents are now staying with them.

OP posts:

Pineapplewaves · 09/08/2025 01:49

Your parents had a two week holiday in Spain with you and your DC and now they are having two week holiday in Spain with your DSIS and her family. I don’t think that’s unfair, you are both getting a two week holiday with your parents. There is a difference between living close to each other and having a holiday together. Living close to your DSIS doesn’t mean they can’t have a holiday with her.

Have you asked if you can go and visit them? (assuming you would like to see your DSIS and her family). Have you asked if everyone would like to meet up and do something for your birthday? Maybe they think you have other plans? Where is your DH?

Wolfiefan · 09/08/2025 02:00

I agree. You’ve had them with you for two weeks. Now they’re spending some time with other family.

Original poster

Fern346 · 09/08/2025 04:51

Pineapplewaves · 09/08/2025 01:49

Your parents had a two week holiday in Spain with you and your DC and now they are having two week holiday in Spain with your DSIS and her family. I don’t think that’s unfair, you are both getting a two week holiday with your parents. There is a difference between living close to each other and having a holiday together. Living close to your DSIS doesn’t mean they can’t have a holiday with her.

Have you asked if you can go and visit them? (assuming you would like to see your DSIS and her family). Have you asked if everyone would like to meet up and do something for your birthday? Maybe they think you have other plans? Where is your DH?

Then why bother coming to the place we are staying if the intention isn’t to do things together as one big family? (I am close with my sister and our kids love to see each other) I’m not saying spend 24hrs together, I’m just asking to be included in some plans like day trips and meals out.

yes I have messaged them every day to ask that they are doing, they usually don’t respond until they are literally about to go to their destination or are already there. I guess I’m just sad they haven’t messsged or called me to make plans together but as you say, it is their holiday so I will leave them to it from now on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fern346 · 09/08/2025 04:52

Pineapplewaves · 09/08/2025 01:49

Your parents had a two week holiday in Spain with you and your DC and now they are having two week holiday in Spain with your DSIS and her family. I don’t think that’s unfair, you are both getting a two week holiday with your parents. There is a difference between living close to each other and having a holiday together. Living close to your DSIS doesn’t mean they can’t have a holiday with her.

Have you asked if you can go and visit them? (assuming you would like to see your DSIS and her family). Have you asked if everyone would like to meet up and do something for your birthday? Maybe they think you have other plans? Where is your DH?

Then why bother coming to the place we are staying if the intention isn’t to do things together as one big family? (I am close with my sister and our kids love to see each other) I’m not saying spend 24hrs together, I’m just asking to be included in some plans like day trips and meals out.

yes I have messaged them every day to ask that they are doing, they usually don’t respond until they are literally about to go to their destination or are already there. I guess I’m just sad they haven’t messsged or called me to make plans together but as you say, it is their holiday so I will leave them to it from now on.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 09/08/2025 05:00

Fern346 · 09/08/2025 04:52

Then why bother coming to the place we are staying if the intention isn’t to do things together as one big family? (I am close with my sister and our kids love to see each other) I’m not saying spend 24hrs together, I’m just asking to be included in some plans like day trips and meals out.

yes I have messaged them every day to ask that they are doing, they usually don’t respond until they are literally about to go to their destination or are already there. I guess I’m just sad they haven’t messsged or called me to make plans together but as you say, it is their holiday so I will leave them to it from now on.

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Why don't you call them (or your sister) in the evening and find out what the plans are for the following day? A call is harder to ignore than a message. Though maybe they don't like to plan their holidays and are more spontaneous on the day.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for your sister and her family to want to spend time just with your parents on holiday - after all you had two weeks of that!

autienotnaughty · 09/08/2025 05:26

They have all come to visit you so yes they should be spending time with you as when they go back they will still see each other all the time but won’t see you as you will be abroad. I think they are being thoughtless and a bit mean of course you want the time with them while you can.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 09/08/2025 05:31

How old are your other dc that are still at home while your away?

Are your dh and them not sad to be missing on that lovely first few months of the new arrival?

thepariscrimefiles · 09/08/2025 06:17

You are not being unreasonable. There is no reason why your parents wouldn't invite you and your children to the things that they are doing with your sister. I don't know why your sister has booked a house so near to you if she and your parents had no intention of meeting up with you and your children. It seems like an obvious snub to me.

And asking you to make a reservation at a restaurant that you aren't invited to is just rubbing your face in it. If you haven't done it already, I'd just 'forget' to do it.

I assume that your sister has always been the favourite?

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 09/08/2025 06:18

You probably should have called it out when they asked you to make the reservation, that’s CF behaviour.

stayathomer · 09/08/2025 06:22

It sounds like they probably have their own plans but staying with you and then sister were part of their plans so they think they’ve done ok by you. Just tell them you wanted the big family thing and make some plans!

hmmimnotsurewhy · 09/08/2025 06:29

So you had your parents for two whole weeks where they spent time with your kids, and now your sister probably wants the same.
I think your parents are right, that you do need to grow up. Maybe they just want to have your parents spend time with only their kids? It’s clear that they don’t want you to come along for whatever reason. and they probably came to Spain because your parents were already there and making it easier for them too.

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/08/2025 06:29

If you are close to your sister then I would talk to her rather than your parents.
It's likely her family making the plans, call her and explain that you were looking forward seeing her during her holiday, but it's difficult when you're informed of the plans so late.
Give her an opportunity to discuss what she wants from this time too.

If all you do is moan to your parents then indeed it comes across as a bit childish.

Barney16 · 09/08/2025 06:32

I don't think you are unreasonable and I think it's upsetting to be sidelined.

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2025 06:34

I can see why you’re feeling put out. I don’t think it’s the fact that your parents are staying with your sister, it’s the fact that they’re not including you in their plans now. They must realise that you’d like to spend time with them all while they’re there?
Is your husband and other child in Spain with you too?

OneNewLeader · 09/08/2025 06:35

I would ask your sister, had something similar years ago, turned out my family thought I was a bit overbearing. Hard to hear, useful to know. All sorted now.

CrownCoats · 09/08/2025 06:36

I get why you’re upset, OP. We recently went on a family holiday with my in-laws and my sister in-law and her family. In-laws and sister in-law live 5 mins from each other, see each other daily and in-laws provide almost all childcare. We live 3 hours away. On the holiday we were staying in three cottages that were next door to each other and in-laws spent 90% of their time in sister in-laws cottage and rarely came to see us. We have children who rarely see their grandparents and who felt very unloved as a result. This kind of favouritism doesn’t go unnoticed and it’s very cruel.

RitaAndFrank · 09/08/2025 06:51

I can see why you’re upset. I expect your sister booked somewhere nearby because your thoughtless parents planned a stay with you then a stay with her and asked that she could book somewhere nearby you because they didn’t want to ‘venture’ too far on a coach or train in a foreign country (even though the Spanish bus and rail system is far more efficient than that of the uk!). So in their minds it was a done deal - a fortnight with you then a fortnight with her, not realising in that oblivious way that so many people of a certain generation seem to have on here, that you were also hoping to see them - and your sister - this week.
What is particularly unreasonable is that you’ve pointed this out and been effectively silenced by them by being told to grow up. Decent people wouldn’t do this; they’d say something like, “Oh shit, we’re sorry - we hadn’t quite realised you’d want to see us this week too because we were so focused on seeing you last week. Of course you just join in and see your sister too.”

I’m not surprised you feel sidelined op. Your family’s thoughtlessness is one thing, but to have your feelings brushed aside so rudely is quite another.