Feeling left out

[Fern346]

IBU

Had the opportunity to live in Spain for a few months while on maternity leave with my second child. My parents came out to stay with me for two weeks, my sister. Husband and young children booked a house in the next town along for the following two weeks and my parents have now gone to stay with them. They live close to my parents in the UKand my parents see their kids at least once a week while we live far away and don’t see them very often (unless we drive to theirs). While they have been here, they have barely messaged us to meet up, leaving me to constantly message them asking what the plan is, often to find out they have Already having made plans and just about to leave, meaning I have very little time to get the kids ready and head out to meet them.
I completely understand that this is their holiday but I can’t help but feel left out. The only thing they have asked so far is for me to make a reservation at a restaurant as they don’t speak any Spanish! So I feel somewhat used. I brought this up with my parents only to be told to grow up and that I was being unfair as this is my sisters holiday which is only short and I will be here for a long time. It’s is also my birthday tomorrow, but no plans have been suggested, and no one has asked what I might like to do to celebrate. AIBU?

But they don’t need to try to make up for the fact that the OP doesn’t live nearby in the UK, or that’s she’s spending mat leave in Spain. I mean, it’s not their job to rectify this, by assigning more time to the OP than her sister. In their minds, they’re just on holiday, not dividing a cake according to some mathematical formula.

You are not being oversensitive. They should include you.

Being told to "grow up" when you have opened up about your feelings to people who are supposed to care for you is such an uncaring response. Whoever said that sounds like a selfish person who does not care how you feel.

Agree. My dc can irritate me sometimes but never would I say grow up, it's not nice or respectful.

OP, I'm sorry that doesn't sound like a comfortable situation. Children should never had to feel unsure about their parents' love in my book. Is it possible there are some misgivings that you have moved to Spain for a bit?

One more question, did you parents stay in your home and now they're sharing your ds' rental? Did your sis ever ask if her family could stay or use your dh'a parents' holiday home?

Yes, my parents stayed at mine first. The intention originally was that My sister would come stay at my house a different week, however my mum suggested that her and my dad go with them as they wanted to see all the grandchildren play together in the pool etc, so they needed to hire another house as there aren’t enough rooms at my house for all of them to stay at the same time.

it’s not that I expect them to spend more time with me than with my sister, I just thought we would all do things together as one big family. I also make a big effort back in the UK as at least once a month I drive home to see them which takes 3.5 hours with a 3 year old and 5 month old in the car, and they rarely visit me.

it’s not that I expect them to spend more time with me than with my sister, I just thought we would all do things together as one big family. I also make a big effort back in the UK as at least once a month I drive home to see them which takes 3.5 hours with a 3 year old and 5 month old in the car, and they rarely visit me.

Yep, baby is 5 months now and we take him everywhere, including beach days and meals out etc.

I’d stop that effort.

they don’t just happen to be nearby though, they have come to this part of Spain specifically as it is where I am staying (they are literally 10 mins down the road)

Can’t believe some of the answers on here. OP wants to be included and do things as one big family (which they are) so every right to feel upset. Why would you not want to be altogether? The sisters and. Cousins are close, so what’s the gig? I don’t understand this family segregation nonsense “well your parents spent 2 weeks with you” OP is not upset her parents have gone to stay with her sister, she’s upset they’ve gone and she’s not included in any of their plans. If they were my kids I’d want us all to be together all the time I was there, I don’t understand this and they’re not family! Heavens above they all get along so why not spend as much time together as you can??

I hate to say it but I don't think you are being overly sensitive.
Why can't they include you, that's all you're asking. See what happens for your Birthday and if nothing, them leave them to it. You have my sympathies - I've realised that some families can be shit and unfair! x

see all the grandchildren play together in the pool etc

And that's not actually happening now. Super strange and not very nice. I'd ask them directly. Just say we're all adults so of course can chose to do activities as and when and whoever with we wish. However now that everyone is in your neck of the woods, why not get together for those bigger family outings. Most grandparents would love this. Is your dad your dad or step father?
Any plans for your birthday? Just have a nice dinner at yours or book a restaurant together. They won't cancel that will they? So odd and hurtful.

This! The whole arrangement sounds very strange to me? Why would you move to Spain for two months whilst on maternity leave and leave your husband and the rest of your family at home in England? What prompted this move to Spain and how does your husband feel about it?

This hasn’t happened at all. Why do you think it has?

Her sister, the sister’s husband and the sister’s children live in the UK and have come out to Spain.

That’s blatantly obvious.

I can understand why your sister and your parents would be close as they see each other back home all the time. They have probably fallen back into a familiar pattern.

Yet it’s an ideal time to see more of you when you’re so close. Frustrating. Especially as they aren’t so near for long.

Can you speak to your sister and tell her Id like to see more of you and our parents but I feel im like a last minute add on rather than family and is there a reason im being left out or forgotten about? Are my kids annoying? Am I annoying? Why am I being ignored, have i done something?

If they forget your birthday that’s unforgivable. I wouldn’t bother with any of them ever again but I’d give them my tuppence worth first.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it’s all been very helpful to realise it’s not all in my head!

my sister did apologise and said that they were not intentionally leaving me out, but Just getting caught up in the excitement of being on holiday. She did then make a big effort to ring me everyday to see what we were doing and we ended up having a lovely holiday.

my mum on the other hand is a different story, however I have realised that she is quite toxic anyway (she’s said some horrid things to me in the past, the last time was 6 hours after having a baby and needing a blood transfusion!) so I have resigned myself to the fact that there will always be issues there.

thanks again for the support x

@Fern346 thank you for coming back with an update. That’s lovely about your sister but very sad about your mum. Sometimes it takes a pivotal moment like this to finally realise for certain what certain people can be like and it takes time afterwards to piece together the facts and learn how to redraw boundaries and expectations.

I hope you find peace but be kind to yourself at this time; you are already going through a major time in your life where you are having to redefine yourself and cope with new challenges so be patient and work through it with self-compassion x