Feeling left out

[Fern346]

IBU

Had the opportunity to live in Spain for a few months while on maternity leave with my second child. My parents came out to stay with me for two weeks, my sister. Husband and young children booked a house in the next town along for the following two weeks and my parents have now gone to stay with them. They live close to my parents in the UKand my parents see their kids at least once a week while we live far away and don’t see them very often (unless we drive to theirs). While they have been here, they have barely messaged us to meet up, leaving me to constantly message them asking what the plan is, often to find out they have Already having made plans and just about to leave, meaning I have very little time to get the kids ready and head out to meet them.
I completely understand that this is their holiday but I can’t help but feel left out. The only thing they have asked so far is for me to make a reservation at a restaurant as they don’t speak any Spanish! So I feel somewhat used. I brought this up with my parents only to be told to grow up and that I was being unfair as this is my sisters holiday which is only short and I will be here for a long time. It’s is also my birthday tomorrow, but no plans have been suggested, and no one has asked what I might like to do to celebrate. AIBU?

I agree that your parents should include you and your family in all the outgoings. You can all go out as a big family, especially since you don't get that chance often in the UK. What's wrong with wanting to go out with your sister as well?

Is there a back story with your sister? Can you talk to your sister about it?

So, DM and DSis see themselves as a family and you are an added extra sometimes. That’s very painful.

There are loads of examples of this on Mumsnet and you can run your emotions ragged chasing them desperately. Don’t try and understand why - good people never will. Just accept the fact that it is what it is.

But, now you know and its time for you to examine your own feelings and make a decision as to how you want to live in the future. Do you continue to chase for little reward or do you make your life in another direction?

Yes. I don’t think it’s deliberate but as DGM knows her other DGCs well and their routines etc she finds it easier with them-I’m presuming they were the first born DGCs. I always try to treat all DGCs equally but sadly some don’t.

Would you be up for doing the kinds of things they are doing? A day at the beach, with a newborn etc?

If you arranged something for your birthday, would they come? Birthday are important for us, yes even adults, so I would be sad if they missed this.

You can’t change families and their dynamics unless there is will on every side to change. I am sorry x

Happy birthday OP!

If they don’t suggest any plans for your birthday and then ignore the lot of them.

Don’t message them again at all.

maybe I am being over sensitive and over reacting

No, you've just realised something that your brain had only touched on before. Before there was distance, now it's obvious.

Don't wait around for birthday stuff. Sort something out as if they're not there. You know the score with your parents now.

Look on the bright side, your sister can do all of the grunt work when they slow down and need help

My other child is 2, we are all in Spain, including my DH.

Are they assuming that you’re celebrating your birthday with your husband and children?

Oh that changes things, I thought the way you'd put your pp just you and baby had come across.
Think @NerrSnerr is right, they are here for 2 weeks of hols, while you're living your 'normal' life?
So unless you/dh'd said 'planning this for my bday' they prob think you have plans and are in holiday mode as is only 2 weeks for them?

Why though? OP and parents had two weeks together without sister. Why should sister not get the same vacation experience?

And happy birthday for tomorrow. All the best people are Leos.

Why don't you suggest a plan for you all especially for your birthday. You know the area, perhaps they find it odd you aren't being more forthcoming and are expecting them to plan. Why not offer a couple of trip ideas or a meal at your home together. Communication can be tricky. If I came to your area I would want you to suggest something for a few days and have a few days separately.

I have suggested lots of things, but I also didn’t want to pressure them to do loads of stuff when they might just want to chill. It’s more that I don’t hear from them unless I message first asking what they are up to, and when I do they respond saying they are either about to go somewhere or are already there.

I have suggested lots of things, but I also didn’t want to pressure them to do loads of stuff when they might just want to chill. It’s more that I don’t hear from them unless I message first asking what they are up to, and when I do they respond saying they are either about to go somewhere or are already there.

if they wanted a holiday with just them, then why did they come to the part of Spain I am living in? They could have gone anywhere

It’s not really the birthday that has bothered me, as you’re right, it’s really down to my DH to plan something and they probably think that’s what happening. It’s more the rest of the time

I doubt they’re trying to be hurtful but are replicating the family dynamics from how they live in the UK. Your sister is obviously close to them and they enjoy spending lots of time with each other, including the grandchildren. You normally live hours away and see them rarely and then when on maternity leave, chose to go to another country where I’m assuming they don’t visit regularly and you don’t return weekly or anything to see them.

In their mind, I’m sure they see you as being very independent and liking time with just your DH and kids. Rightly or wrongly, this will also impact how close you are and how normal it feels to spend days on end together. They perhaps feel like they’ve given you two weeks and now will do the same with your sister. In their shoes, I wouldn’t expect you’d be bothered since you don’t normally see lots of them. They no doubt want to sightsee on their limited time in Spain and perhaps felt you would have already done all this with living there, so it’s not the same. There’s also potential age differences between your children and your sisters which could play a part. Depending on their age and energy levels, maybe they feel like they need a rest after 2 weeks with a very young baby and if your sister’s children are older, this does change things and may feel more relaxing.

I guess the thing is that if you want more family time, it’s not just on them to provide it whilst on holiday. You could visit them more in the UK or have spent your maternity leave closer to them.

Likely because your parents were already there.

You seem to be looking for offense when likely none was meant

But why would they? They travelled to see you and spent two weeks with you. Now they’ve moved onto where your sister and her family are staying, which happens to be nearby. Are you saying that if Yoir parents had wanted to spend time on holiday with your sister, they should have done so in a completely different part of Spain?

Because OP lives in Spain so her parents will see much less of her and her chldren. They will see OP's sister all the time back in the UK. If they are staying with OP's sister in a town very near OP, it seems mean not to invite OP and her children to things they are doing sometimes.

It is very clear that her sister is their favourite.

I think you’ve viewed it as two weeks just with your parents, then two weeks with your parents and your sister and family, altogether.

They’ve viewed it as two weeks with you, then a short journey down the road to a holiday with their other daughter, saving on travel time, and they all fly home. In their eyes, they’ve spent the same amount to time with both of you.

It’s hard when you move away from home; my DM’s relationship with my DN’s is different to my own DC’s, but that’s because I was the one to move. They see each other all the time.

@Fern346
It does seem strange that they aren’t including you at all, and especially with it being your birthday.
The only explanation for them doing mostly their own thing would be if the ages of the children meant that the things they want to do wouldn’t be possible with your family. You haven’t said how old they are so they are, but possibly it’s somewhat a question of ages. Generally the younger children of the family( presumably yours in this case) are those who require the most accommodations and attention and your sister’s family may feel that seeing as this is their summer holiday they want to do mostly their own thing in the day to day.

I think that not making any effort to fit in some things to do together that you could all enjoy, especially seeing as they have chosen to come to your location is a bit odd. I suppose, as others have said it could be to have a holiday with your parents and not require them to take another flight to a second location, but I think, having chosen to come near to you, doing nothing together is a bit hurtful.

I didn't read it that she lives in Spain, but that she's spending her mat leave in her in-laws Spanish holiday home?
But that dsis does live closer to parents than where she normally lives.

OP what's your sister doing, you say she you get on well normally, have you asked her to involve you in plans / why they haven't been making plans with you?