DP being a bit of a CF

[mindingmyown37]

a week or so ago DP got a message from his estranged family that they are coming over from abroad and would like to meet, the last time we saw said family was 8 years ago so he decided to agree. They want to meet 4 hours away from us so DP figured he’d make it a short getaway, At first he wanted to take dc, but they both have prior arrangements with friends the days they are here so he was gonna have to go solo as I was scheduled to work. He kept moaning about it being awkward so I made a deal with the devil (my manager) to get the day off. Tbh he was good as gold about it as I’m always doing him favours. Fine… this is where the cfery comes in. Initially he told me we are leaving at 1/2 on the Sunday. Fantastic, because I have jobs I do every Sunday so that works… next thing, he wants to leave earlier. Okay fine I’ll leave the kids bed change till Tuesday when we get home and will just leave the ironing until the Sunday after. Then he starts saying he wants to leave earlier, why do I need to do my jobs, I can do them all on Tuesday.
I’m getting rather annoyed at this point. 1 I changed my plans so he isn’t alone, 2. I don’t want to leave everything until Tuesday in case we encounter delays and don’t get home until late.
but it’s the comment he made to me this evening that has made me snap. Whilst talking about what time i need to wake kids up on Sunday morning. He said ‘ oh we are getting up at 7 aren’t we’
I was like , no I’m bloody not, it’s my day off, I get up at 6 every work day, don’t go to bed until about 1/2 due to sleep issues. I’m not getting up at 7. Now he’s sulking about it. I know he’s driving, I get that, however this trip was sprung on us, he was initially going to go alone until I offered to change my days around and also the jobs I am doing before I go will literally take an hour and a half.
im literally
showering
taking the dog out
changing my bed
sorting out the box of non ironing laundry I have that needs putting away. So we can most likely leave by 10am latest which is 3 hours earlier than planned. I also can’t do it tomorrow as I’m working all day. Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

a/n I’m not leaving dc alone even though they are old enough, my mum lives with us so they won’t be alone. And also before someone says it… no my mum also can’t do my jobs as she has arthritis in her back so has problems just doing her own.

This isn’t a situation where compromising over chores is reasonable though - he’s going to meet his estranged family after years of separation. He must be nervous/worried/tense. Sometimes things should take absolute priority and this is one of them!

Yeah, your DP isn’t the one being a CF here 🙄

You can easily change a bed a day earlier - even after work and drop the ironing. If you didn’t want to go you should’ve backed out earlier - just set a time and stick to it. I can’t imagine making such a fuss about an early stat and having a shower!

Your issue here is that you have a useless husband who expects you to do everything with regards to the household and its upkeep. That’s the issue you should be focusing on.

This is mental

You sound quite petty- I assume you just don’t really like him that much?

Under normal circumstances of course it’s easy to understand. When it comes to something like this, one would hope that supporting her partner would take priority.

I’m that person too - but I also have the ability to understand that my DP meeting up with his family for the first time in almost a decade comes before my desire to make the beds or put the laundry away.

I’m not leaving dc alone even though they are old enough

If they are old enough to stay home alone they are old enough to do a few chores! Yabvu, your DH isn’t.

The OP has her mother live with them. Her partner supports her in having his MIL live with them all the time. However, when it comes to his family she is inflexible and unkind. So many men give up with their birth families because a lot of women make it difficult for in laws to be part of their husband’s family. .
You are busy picking holes in his plans and arrangements. He will feel in the doghouse for wanting to see his family. Lots of women complain about men being emotionally unavailable but don’t feel any qualms about encouraging them to sever their family bonds. They then wonder why men move on so fast from one relationship to another.
@mindingmyown37you are not being fair or kind. You clearly feel you are better and superior to your partner. It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership. I the end you will get your own way. Women like you usually do. Don’t expect to be loved or admired for your harsh, uncompromising behaviour though. Don’t expect your partner to support you when you have a real crisis. He will be too busy stripping the beds.

Sounds like this is more about resentment you feel that has built up during the relationship. Your h sounds pretty useless round the house, so you take on the vast majority of chores.

And you say you are always doing him favours like this. Seems to me you feel undervalued or taken for granted, and this is the last straw.

Can you talk to him about how you feel? preferably after his family get-together?

What do you need to change to make you happy?

Of course I could see that and I would make allowances for that and I would change my cleaning schedule for that as best I could. But that’s not what @Zanzara asked to be fair she asked what the obsession with cleaning was. It’s not an obsession it’s just called good hygiene and good standards.

You sound very inflexible and fixated on these 'jobs'. The world won't end if beds aren't changed for a week and laundry / ironing are caught up on a little later. Just prioritise the trip, it's a once off.

You're the cheeky fucker here and you're using your autoimmune disease as an excuse to have things your way. You're
being controlling & using chores to ensure things go your way & limit time your dp has with his family.

This with bells on.

You are being the unreasonable one here.
He hasn't seen his family for 8 years so it's a special occasion. It doesn't happen every week, or even month or year.
He's driving and he has decided he needs to leave earlier. The driver gets to choose the time of leaving because they will have looked into the route etc.

You are making a massive drama about some "jobs". You could have done a couple of things in the time you've wasted on here moaning about it.
If your household routine is so rigid that you can't manage taking a couple of days out for a very infrequent event then it needs looking at.

Why can't everyone pitch in when you get back on Tuesday? Why do all of these things have to be done before you go? Why can't you shower on Saturday night?
Why can't you get up one time at 6 am on your day off for your husband who is going to meet his family for the first time in 8 years?
Why the fuss about changing kids' beds? It takes maybe 10 minutes max per bed. Also, it wouldn't be the end of the world if they were left a day or so longer and you do them quickly after work on Wednesday.

This sums it up.

Get up, shower and go. Household jobs can wait - including stripping beds, you won't catch anything if they wait an extra day... or two... or even 3 when you get home.
Who is walking the dog when you're away? It appears nobody, because you say your kids can't do it, so I guess it can manage without just one more walk if needed. However, give yourself half an hour to get up and dressed, half an hour to walk the dog and you're still in the car by 8.
I'm with your DH on this one because in his shoes I would definitely aim for an early start, hoping to avoid heavy traffic. I'd also make as much of the time away as I could, treating the journey on the first and last days as part of the 'holiday' and having a relaxed time.

I think you're looking for ways to be awkward. If you didn't want to go you should have said that at the start and stuck with it. All you're doing now is adding to the stress he must be feeling.
Maybe you do need to discuss how household chores are divided, maybe you need to discuss other issues, but you've managed fine for a long time, so you don't need to pile that on now.

I just changed my bed and timed it. Took 4 minutes including taking the sheets to the washing machine, shoving them in and starting the machine.

What do you think will be the consequence of not changing the bed till Tuesday? Or even Wednesday? What outcome are you trying to avoid?