DP being a bit of a CF

[mindingmyown37]

a week or so ago DP got a message from his estranged family that they are coming over from abroad and would like to meet, the last time we saw said family was 8 years ago so he decided to agree. They want to meet 4 hours away from us so DP figured he’d make it a short getaway, At first he wanted to take dc, but they both have prior arrangements with friends the days they are here so he was gonna have to go solo as I was scheduled to work. He kept moaning about it being awkward so I made a deal with the devil (my manager) to get the day off. Tbh he was good as gold about it as I’m always doing him favours. Fine… this is where the cfery comes in. Initially he told me we are leaving at 1/2 on the Sunday. Fantastic, because I have jobs I do every Sunday so that works… next thing, he wants to leave earlier. Okay fine I’ll leave the kids bed change till Tuesday when we get home and will just leave the ironing until the Sunday after. Then he starts saying he wants to leave earlier, why do I need to do my jobs, I can do them all on Tuesday.
I’m getting rather annoyed at this point. 1 I changed my plans so he isn’t alone, 2. I don’t want to leave everything until Tuesday in case we encounter delays and don’t get home until late.
but it’s the comment he made to me this evening that has made me snap. Whilst talking about what time i need to wake kids up on Sunday morning. He said ‘ oh we are getting up at 7 aren’t we’
I was like , no I’m bloody not, it’s my day off, I get up at 6 every work day, don’t go to bed until about 1/2 due to sleep issues. I’m not getting up at 7. Now he’s sulking about it. I know he’s driving, I get that, however this trip was sprung on us, he was initially going to go alone until I offered to change my days around and also the jobs I am doing before I go will literally take an hour and a half.
im literally
showering
taking the dog out
changing my bed
sorting out the box of non ironing laundry I have that needs putting away. So we can most likely leave by 10am latest which is 3 hours earlier than planned. I also can’t do it tomorrow as I’m working all day. Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

a/n I’m not leaving dc alone even though they are old enough, my mum lives with us so they won’t be alone. And also before someone says it… no my mum also can’t do my jobs as she has arthritis in her back so has problems just doing her own.

Yes, I did read the OP. Are you this rude and abrasive in real life?

Firstly, you said "At first he wanted to take dc, but they both have prior arrangements with friends". You did not, as you're now claiming say that DCs were going out at 8am. Secondly, dogs can go out before 8am. Thirdly, DCs will come home at some point. Fourthly, they could do laundry at another time too. Fifthly, if you need to get DCs up at 8 then why are you having such a strop about DH wanting to wake up at 7?

If you were supposed to get up at 6 for work, how were you planning on doing these jobs on Sunday before you got the day off?

Clearly you want to make this situation about you and not just prioritise your DH when he needs you.

What exactly does this man do other than demand when you leave? Why doesn’t he walk the dog, sort the laundry or strip the bed? He’s clearly capable, he just doesn’t want to! Why are you being the martyr and more importantly why are you the one to wake DC when they’re going out with friends the night before? Can they not get themselves out of bed? What do they all do when you’re working? Lie around waiting on you to come home to organise them? You’re your own worst enemy tbh.

Apologies I misread that they’re going out with friends on the morning you’re leaving but that doesn’t excuse that they can’t walk the dog before they go and why is your family coming in the walk the dogs while you’re away? Are the DC incapable of taking a dog out?

All of that stuff doesn’t take that long. He can walk the dog while you’re in the shower. Putting new new sheets takes 5 mins tops. Even a big pile of clothes to sort out doesn’t take long. Not sure where the long time scale is coming from. Kids might be out, but assuming they’re not out until it’s time for bed so they could put stuff away? Sounds like you need to delegate some tasks anyway!

I’d be more annoyed at these family members deciding they now want to meet, yet it has to be somewhere 4 hours away from you.

Fecking hell OP, really sounds peachy. Crack on being an absolute fecking bitch on your period. (Did I say that outloud?)

Oh yeah I hate him, that’s why I offered to go, when I could have just kept my mouth shut and went to work and he’d be non the wiser and taking a 3 day trip 400 miles by himself… yeah I totally hate him 🤦‍♀️ not sure what’s gone in your life but you don’t do stuff like that for people you hate #muppet

Well they are coming from another country already so it’s not like they aren’t doing their share of travelling, do you think they should arrive at OPs front door and bow down?

OP you sound a bit unsympathetic towards your husband. If he's estranged then this meeting will mean he is dealing with very complex feelings at the very least. This isn't a normal getaway and his behaviour is showing this quite clearly. Probably he isn't communicating this and you aren't attuned to it at all. It will play on his mind constantly until you set off and then again until he meets his family. I think by wanting to leave early he might be trying to manage his emotions. Once you arrive he might have time to calm down on the Sunday before nerves hit again. He's not trying to mess you about. He's figuring out how to cope.

Not liking and hating are quite different #muppet

Why have you posted on AIBU when clearly you think you are being entirely reasonable, and anyone who dares to suggest otherwise is obviously too stupid to understand that these utterly mundane household chores are more important than your partner?

Well yes actually, they are the ones who asked to meet, so yes, why not choose somewhere closer? No need for the arsey reply either.

There could be quite a few reasons why not, but they’ve likely already travelled well over half way. There’s nothing to suggest they are BU here.

I mean - I think YABU but it’s not your family - it’s HIS estranged family. He’s obviously excited and nervous and wants to see them asap - 8 years is a a long time - the problem is, you (even though you took a day off) just don’t give a shit because a) they’re not your family. B) you’ve got your chores you like doing on certain days and a family that isnt yours who abandoned their son shouldn’t take priority. In a really fucked up way - I get why you would feel this way - I’ve been in your position (estrangement was longer)

Now I'm in just doubting you're old enough to be a mother and a wife. That has to be the most immature response I've read on MN!

He's obviously anxious, would it kill you to leave the laundry? The shower is the only essential job. He's trying to tell you how worried he is, and you think folding laundry is more important. It isn't, just give him this one.

If you need to get up and do you for a couple hours, whatever the reason that's reasonable. 10am is still a great early start

Showering is not a 'job' for Sundays, it's just part of daily washing and getting ready so that comes off the list, surely he doesn't expect you to roll out of pyjamas into clothes and go. He's probably just nervous and wants to get going. I'm not sure why you can't just say to him I can go earlier if you do the beds and put laundry away while I'm at work Saturday. He hasn't offered and yes he should've , actually it's a bit odd that you have such a rigid list of jobs each and days they are done rather than both just see what needs doing and doing it, but nevertheless rather than get angry just say to him I can be out much earlier if you do the beds and laundry Saturday. Dog will need a quick walk before we go but that won't take long

It’s you who is the CF here. Why are you being so weird about it? Either support your DP through his family reunion, or don’t. But don’t say you will support and then make it really difficult at every step.
If your important Sunday jobs will only take an hour and a half then you can do them another day. The world won’t end if you change your bed sheets a few days later.

Come on OP, you have to know you're being unreasonable.
He's meeting his estranged family, he's anxious as hell, support him! This is a massive deal for him, I can't believe you are arguing over something so petty. Household duties can wait, get your children to help!

Having a dirty bed for an extra week will not kill you.

Yes. We all compromise.

The compromise is usually “this is a very important day for my DH so I’ll prioritise that over putting away laundry”. Sometimes the fair compromise is that one person gets their own way.

And, yes, you can do one very minor thing for your DH and still not like him and not be kind to him. The fact you think spending a day with your DH instead of spending it at work is some huge compromise you’ve made for him actually reinforces the idea you don’t like him.

it actually astounds me that some of you don’t seem to compromise.

Oh the irony. I can’t believe you typed this with a straight face - this can’t be real, surely?

You’ve literally started a thread to slag off your DP saying he’s a CF and talking about him moaning and how he doesn’t help enough…. Yet you are taking issue with the suggestion that it’s come across like you don’t like him. Get a grip! You posted on AIBU, the majority answer is yes. Having a whinge about everyone who disagrees with you won’t change anyone’s opinion here.

Literally!

I think given how long it’s been since he last saw his family he’s likely to be feeling a mix of excitement, nervousness and apprehension and that nervous energy could explain why he’s wanting to get going on the journey down to meet up with them asap on Sunday.

For me, the fact he will be the only one driving the 400+ miles to the meet up means he gets final say on the timings for the day and what time you set off. Plus thinking practically he likely wants to try to avoid as much traffic as possible by getting on the road early which makes sense.

Showering shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes and the dog walk 20-30, perhaps subsidised by another longer walk by one of your children in the afternoon/evening. The other tasks you’ve listed can wait until you get back home.

Hope the reunion goes well for your DP.