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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP being a bit of a CF

95 replies

mindingmyown37 · 08/08/2025 23:18

a week or so ago DP got a message from his estranged family that they are coming over from abroad and would like to meet, the last time we saw said family was 8 years ago so he decided to agree. They want to meet 4 hours away from us so DP figured he’d make it a short getaway, At first he wanted to take dc, but they both have prior arrangements with friends the days they are here so he was gonna have to go solo as I was scheduled to work. He kept moaning about it being awkward so I made a deal with the devil (my manager) to get the day off. Tbh he was good as gold about it as I’m always doing him favours. Fine… this is where the cfery comes in. Initially he told me we are leaving at 1/2 on the Sunday. Fantastic, because I have jobs I do every Sunday so that works… next thing, he wants to leave earlier. Okay fine I’ll leave the kids bed change till Tuesday when we get home and will just leave the ironing until the Sunday after. Then he starts saying he wants to leave earlier, why do I need to do my jobs, I can do them all on Tuesday.
I’m getting rather annoyed at this point. 1 I changed my plans so he isn’t alone, 2. I don’t want to leave everything until Tuesday in case we encounter delays and don’t get home until late.
but it’s the comment he made to me this evening that has made me snap. Whilst talking about what time i need to wake kids up on Sunday morning. He said ‘ oh we are getting up at 7 aren’t we’
I was like , no I’m bloody not, it’s my day off, I get up at 6 every work day, don’t go to bed until about 1/2 due to sleep issues. I’m not getting up at 7. Now he’s sulking about it. I know he’s driving, I get that, however this trip was sprung on us, he was initially going to go alone until I offered to change my days around and also the jobs I am doing before I go will literally take an hour and a half.
im literally
showering
taking the dog out
changing my bed
sorting out the box of non ironing laundry I have that needs putting away. So we can most likely leave by 10am latest which is 3 hours earlier than planned. I also can’t do it tomorrow as I’m working all day. Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

a/n I’m not leaving dc alone even though they are old enough, my mum lives with us so they won’t be alone. And also before someone says it… no my mum also can’t do my jobs as she has arthritis in her back so has problems just doing her own.

OP posts:
TheLemonLemur · 09/08/2025 00:35

Op it sounds like you need to ge in control. He was moaning about going alone you went to the effort of getting a day off and now seem to be doing everything possible to stress you dh out before a potentially difficult family reunion. If it takes 8 minutes surely you could sort the laundry Saturday and get uo tomorrow strip the bed then make it up Saturday night leaving just dov walk and shower. I dont get why you need to sleep late can you not rest in the car?

Ginburee · 09/08/2025 00:37

I decline to give a decent answer as you are incredibly abrasive and very rude to the people who have already responded.
Your poor husband sounds like he is getting stressed by this visit and all you can do is whine that it is your day off.
Grow up and adult for a change, so many of us just get on with these things and don't make it all about us.
Be a wife and stop moaning, I don't know what you wanted to achieve by this post as you have made up your mind you are in the right.

InWalksBarberalla · 09/08/2025 00:47

it actually astounds me that some of you don’t seem to compromise. Do all of you do what your DP’s/ DH want when they throw a paddy

By throw a paddy you mean having a tantrum ? (I'm not from the UK). It sounds like he is very anxious about this meeting - if he isn't generally a knob I'd give him this one and just go along with it.

Mooflon12 · 09/08/2025 00:53

There's literally nothing I love more on MN than someone who is unanimously told they are the one being unreasonable and they just will not accept it. It's so funny 😂

crumblingschools · 09/08/2025 00:55

With a meeting so important as this it won’t be the end of the world if beds don’t get changed for another few days (or shock horror for another week). Or just get DH to step up and make the bed whilst you walk the dog

RosaBaby2 · 09/08/2025 01:03

I'd change plans for someone I didn't like if it meant I'd ruin their day... Just saying.

Dippythedino · 09/08/2025 01:05

Why can't the chores and beds be done the night before so you can set off early? Then you'll have the afternoon & evening to relax & do a bit of sight seeing.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2025 01:07

Do you have OCD or something? I have never once thought housework to be more important than an outing. Who cares if its done another day? Why are you so rigid?

BlankBlankBlank14 · 09/08/2025 02:55

mindingmyown37 · 08/08/2025 23:47

Did you actually read the OP? My dc are going out with friends hence why they are not coming, hence why I’m waking them up at 8… which means they can’t take the dog out…. ( my brother is coming to do Monday and Tuesday walks) I don’t get what the deal is in terms of me just asking to complete a few jobs. We are not even meeting them until the Monday, so we are just driving up on the Sunday. If he needs to do something before we go, he does it, no questions asked. I’m not asking him to wait why I clean the house from top to bottom… just a few mundane tasks which will take an hour and half tops.

Show quote history

Hence you’ve got a DH that doesn’t help, now your DC can’t help because they’re going out with friends. Doesn’t mean they can’t change their own beds or walk the dog.

Hence you’re making yourself a martyr because you’re the only one who can do these jobs. Then you use these jobs that can be done by others to get your own way.

Tablesandchairs23 · 09/08/2025 04:56

Why don't you make your kids and husband share the housework. That'd half your problem.

BoudiccaRuled · 09/08/2025 05:24

Does your partner want you to accompany him @mindingmyown37 ?

Lucytheloose · 09/08/2025 05:46

How do you feel about your husband doing practically nothing around the house, but willingly driving for hours to meet relatives who have not been part of his life for years? And why can't they come to where he is?

Chocja · 09/08/2025 06:29

It sounds like the housework being shared might be a conversation to have another time.

For the possibility of a family reconciliation after 8 years and with them coming from abroad, I would expect no less than 100% support from my DH and DC. Any comments about other plans with friends and housework are just irrelevant for one weekend.

I am estranged from my family and you should be doing everything possible to support him for this. The issues with the housework and elsewhere have obviously been going on for a while and can wait. He will be going through an awful lot right now and family support and solidarity.

Put yourself in his position

Cakeandcardio · 09/08/2025 06:33

I think maybe the obsession with the beds and laundry is OCD or something else. It's not right to let housework rule your life like this. Your partner might be annoying you but he is not being a cf

nomas · 09/08/2025 06:38

I think this is less about the visit and more about your DP not doing his share of the chores.

Tell him he needs to do his half.

Panterusblackish · 09/08/2025 06:48

You're not being unreasonable.

You've already been accommodating switching work round.

You don't want the housework to build up because you're already ill and it will get too much. I totally understand that. As someone really time poor who most weeks works six days , if I miss stuff it can takes months to get back on track.

Interesting how many other posters think you should bend over backwards to help your partner but he can't even do minimal housework to ease the timing on this trip. He's a lazy selfish arse. Want the trip his way and you to do the hard work to facilitate it.

The usual mumsnet misogyny at play I'm afraid.

autienotnaughty · 09/08/2025 07:03

Basically you would prefer to set off after lunch. He would prefer to go first thing. Compromise and go mid morning.

crumblingschools · 09/08/2025 07:08

@Panterusblackish many posters have pointed out that DH should step up more with the housework, but they have also pointed that this is not a normal weekend and that the world is not going to end if the beds don’t get changed this weekend (or week).

Noname973 · 09/08/2025 07:20

I think you need to reframe this. Your DP is anxious and therefore indecisive. I am quite rigid when it comes to plans and would need to look at it as I need to accommodate and be flexible to meet DP needs on this occasion.

Nothing bad will happen if you skip a bed change day…

Gmala · 09/08/2025 07:20

InWalksBarberalla · 09/08/2025 00:47

it actually astounds me that some of you don’t seem to compromise. Do all of you do what your DP’s/ DH want when they throw a paddy

By throw a paddy you mean having a tantrum ? (I'm not from the UK). It sounds like he is very anxious about this meeting - if he isn't generally a knob I'd give him this one and just go along with it.

Yes it's a racist term (against Irish people) that some people use to describe a tantrum. It's a result of the whole thick/volatile sentiment of Irish people. I already thought the OP was unreasonable but now I see she is ignorant too.

NAMECHANGE87554 · 09/08/2025 07:20

Please don't use the expression 'throwing a Paddy' it's really outdated and offensive.

Oh and YABU. Meeting his family after 8 years will be a massive deal for him. He is obviously anxious about it and in need of support. You sound very cold and dismissive of his feelings. He has agreed to having your mother living with your family (and I am guessing financially supporting that set up as well) so rearranging your hours and getting up is the least you can do tbh.

sesquipedalian · 09/08/2025 07:21

OP, let me turn this round - if you were doing something that was a big deal to you: a bit uncertain and worrying, would you expect your DH to go along with your timings? Or would you let him say, sorry, but I’m not prepared to get up early and it’ll take me a couple of hours to mow the lawn and sort out the car - I venture to suggest you might say to him that the grass could wait and that you need to leave at the time you have decided. Your DH is obviously stressed about this whole meeting up with his family thing, and I think you need to take your cues from him. If you don’t change your bed or put away your laundry, no-one will die. Get your DC to help out with the dog - and be supportive of your DH because this is clearly a very big deal for him.

SparklyGlitterballs · 09/08/2025 07:41

You get up and shower and change the bed (it should take minutes, surely). You can sort the non-iron laundry into piles while DH takes the dog for a walk. Kids can put their own laundry away when they're back from their friends.

Your DH isn't necessarily a CF, he's just anxious. Tell him firmly what timings you're prepared to agree to and he can take it or leave it.

Upsetbetty · 09/08/2025 07:42

Zanzara · 08/08/2025 23:33

What's with the obsession with housework? This is not the first thread I've seen with this recently.

Some people like to have their house organised and tidy and clean because that’s the way they like to live. I can’t live in a mess. I can’t live in a house where laundry isn’t done and I can’t live in a house where the floors are mopped and cleaned. I can’t live in a house where everything is not in its place. That’s just the type of person that I am. I constantly see people on here asking how do you do it? How do you keep your house clean? This is how some people do it. They use one of their days off and they get all of their jobs done in the morning and it sets them up for the week. It’s not that hard to understand or do…

crumblingschools · 09/08/2025 07:47

@Upsetbetty but if something large and out of the ordinary was happening would you put changing bedding before that or would you throw caution to the wind and not change the bedding. The house will still be tidy, unless the bedding isn’t going to be changed for months it will be fine. There are also other people in the that can step up.