Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother you? Not sure how I’m feeling.

59 replies

memyself111 · 08/08/2025 21:57

I’ve been with my partner for one year.

I have been under a neurologist for 3 1/2 years. I had an appointment a few weeks ago for some tests and I need to go back for an MRI to have another check of my brain.

My partner lives 90 minutes away and didn’t come with me, which was fine. I didn’t ask.

When I had the appointment the other week my partner said she’d really like to come next time because she felt so odd not being at that appointment because she wanted to support me.

I received a letter to say I had an appointment booked, which was meant to be two weeks ago. But we had plans to spend the weekend with her family who live three hours away from me.

I told her I would rearrange the appointment and she said that was fine. I told the hospital I needed to rearrange and they sent me a new appointment out which is tomorrow. I received the letter just under two weeks ago to say that the appointment is tomorrow.

My partner has gone to see her family for an important birthday this weekend which has been planned for a while so has said she can’t come. I told her I can’t rearrange it again because I’ve been waiting for this appointment for a really really long time so she says she understands I will go without her and she is with her family

I’ve had messages from people tonight saying they hope it goes well tomorrow and asking if my partner is going with me. This feels a little strange now. I will go on my own because I’m not used to relying on anybody at all. I don’t want to sound like a victim saying that, but I very much depend on myself. It does however feel a little strange that she isn’t coming. I know that she has to go to the birthday event so I’m not angry about that. The birthday is on Sunday and my appointment is first thing in the morning so I did think she might come with me to the appointment and then go straight to her family‘s house, but That wasn’t in her plan as she wanted to go there today.

I don’t really know what I want from messaging this on here to be honest

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 08/08/2025 21:59

Well actions speak louder than words don't they? Hope your appointment goes well.

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 22:06

Thank you @Valeriekat

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 08/08/2025 22:27

I’d feel the same as you! I hope it goes well.

Pippa12 · 08/08/2025 22:34

Is it just for the scan? I assume you’re not getting results or having a consultation the same day? Are you having a sedative?

Id be disappointed if my partner didn’t accompany me to an appointment/consultation that I’d likely receive results/information at, therefore might need an extra pair of ears, but solely for a scan I wouldn’t be bothered, especially if it meant them missing an important family birthday.

Givenupshopping · 08/08/2025 22:35

Personally, I can't see how you can be real 'partners' if she lives 90 minutes away. Surely someone only becomes your 'partner' when they move in with you, and before that, they are just a girlfriend or boyfriend. Had she been living with you, and chosen to go to this family event, I would have thought badly of her, but as you don't live together, to me it seems like it's not yet a 'committed relationship', so I wouldn't really have expected her to put you before her family.

That being said, I really hope that all goes well for you.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 08/08/2025 22:37

How far from you is the hospital? It sounds like a lot of driving and subsequent expense for partner?
1 1/2 hours from theirs to you, then journey to and from the hospital then 3 hours to family?

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 22:44

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp
I understand what you are saying. But there is a part of me that feels a little frustrated because recently I travelled four hours to her family’s house and then four hours back and then travelled a further two hours to her house in order to attend an event that she wanted me to go to That was important for her.

It’s not that I’m playing tit for tat but it only dawned on me tonight that it does bother me a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 22:45

@Pippa12
I won’t be having a sedative. I had a consultation a few weeks ago. It’s the scan tomorrow but last time they gave me the results on the day and referred me to a specialist neurologist because they were unsure what it was.
The appointment tomorrow is to see if there is a change in size, but they might not give me the results tomorrow. It might just be the scan.

OP posts:
RoseAlone · 08/08/2025 22:49

It wouldn't bother me at all. Circumstances are circumstances. I hope it goes well

VaseofViolets · 08/08/2025 22:51

I have MS so have had many scans over the years to check the size/progression of the lesions in my brain. No one has ever been to a scan with me - DH has never been to an appointment with me. Not sure why he would, to be honest! He can’t be of any practical assistance and it would be a waste of his time, really, I wouldn’t ask!

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 22:56

I know A few people have said that they wouldn’t expect the Partner to come and that’s how I was with the first appointment. I didn’t ask her to come.

But she told me she felt strange not coming and said she really wanted to be at the next appointment.
The appointment was booked for a date she couldn’t do because of a family barbecue So I rearranged it so that she could come to the next one. And now it’s been rearranged and she isn’t coming again.

I think it’s that really. I didn’t ask her to come to the first one because I wouldn’t expect anyone to come with me. But she said she really wanted to come and then I rearranged it again so that she could. I think it might be that that’s bothering me now I’m thinking about it.

OP posts:
PacificState · 08/08/2025 23:00

It doesn’t matter what we think. You have to work out how it makes you feel. The fact that you’re not sure - or don’t want to say - is kind of significant. Your partner is not magic and she cannot read your mind. Some people would be quite happy to go to a health appointment alone. How is she supposed to know what’s alright with you if you don’t know yourself?

My guess is you do know what you want, really: you want her to come with you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting. But you don’t want to ask her because you think of yourself as independent and don’t want to seem needy. If so, I get it (been there, done that) but blindly hoping that she is going to work it out without you giving her any clues isn’t going to work. You have to tell her. (Although you’ve left it a bit late for tomorrow, to be honest.)

And honestly, if you ask her next time this happens (ie with more notice) and she says ‘god stop being so needy, urgh’ then at least you’ll know for sure that she’s not for you.

Hope the MRI goes well. I had one a few months ago and honestly found it quite relaxing and nowhere near as scary as I expected.

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:02

@PacificState
thank you, I think we posted at the same time. So my comment just before yours might make more sense. I’m very independent and I don’t ever ask anyone to attend appointments with me. But it’s because she said she really wanted to be there and I’d rearranged it again so that she could be. I’ve said it all in the comment just before yours.

OP posts:
MounjaroBingo · 08/08/2025 23:03

It doesn’t seem like she’s willing to make any sacrifices to be at your appointments. It’s all been about her plans and what she wants to do.

hope appointment goes well, OP. Neurology stuff can be scary.

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:06

@MounjaroBingo
thank you. I was pregnant the last time I had the MRI when they found something because I was experiencing horrendous headaches. So they are just checking it hasn’t grown any bigger. Hopefully not. Thank you for your comment

OP posts:
moveoverG · 08/08/2025 23:06

If it makes you look at things from a different perspective, my husband didn’t come with me when I had a second scan to confirm I had miscarried our baby (first scan showed this but at my hospital the second scan is a requirement to confirm what is obvious). This happened TWICE.

Then the next stage was an internal procedure to remove everything while I was awake and he dropped me off and collected me as I wasn’t allowed to drive due to the meds as it was pointless us both being in the hospital- yes that’s right, this happened TWICE too.

We are still together.

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:08

@moveoverG
i’m really sorry to hear that. I have also had miscarriages and I personally felt it was a very lonely experience, even though I had a partner at the time. I’m sorry you’ve been through that twice. That must’ve been incredibly difficult

OP posts:
Lemonadeat8 · 08/08/2025 23:09

You are being ridiculous. Stop wasting NHS time and go to your appts as a priority.

Springadorable · 08/08/2025 23:10

Sounds like she feels obliged to come as she thinks a partner should, but isn't actually that keen or interested in doing so. It wouldn't bother me that she wasn't coming, I go to all my neuro appointments alone, but it would piss me off that she said she wanted to and then didn't actually.

iamnotalemon · 08/08/2025 23:10

memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:02

@PacificState
thank you, I think we posted at the same time. So my comment just before yours might make more sense. I’m very independent and I don’t ever ask anyone to attend appointments with me. But it’s because she said she really wanted to be there and I’d rearranged it again so that she could be. I’ve said it all in the comment just before yours.

I understand this. Perhaps if you let her know you’d really like her to come with you and could she head to her family after, you’d really appreciate it. Perhaps she just thinks you’re fine and not bothered (just thinking as that’s what I’d do as I don’t like asking for help or putting people out)

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 08/08/2025 23:10

memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:06

@MounjaroBingo
thank you. I was pregnant the last time I had the MRI when they found something because I was experiencing horrendous headaches. So they are just checking it hasn’t grown any bigger. Hopefully not. Thank you for your comment

Sorry @memyself111 how far on are you? Is the pregnancy one you've planned with your dp?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/08/2025 23:11

@memyself111 think you are on your own here. this is not the behaviour of a true partner. she is not making you any kind of priority in her life at all. you might want to class yourself as single now. How old are you both??

Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:11

Springadorable · 08/08/2025 23:10

Sounds like she feels obliged to come as she thinks a partner should, but isn't actually that keen or interested in doing so. It wouldn't bother me that she wasn't coming, I go to all my neuro appointments alone, but it would piss me off that she said she wanted to and then didn't actually.

That’s what I think is bothering me. The fact that she said she wanted to. But then isn’t. If she hadn’t said that I wouldn’t have thought anything of it at all because I usually go on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:11

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/08/2025 23:11

@memyself111 think you are on your own here. this is not the behaviour of a true partner. she is not making you any kind of priority in her life at all. you might want to class yourself as single now. How old are you both??

39

OP posts:
Springadorable · 08/08/2025 23:12

memyself111 · 08/08/2025 23:11

That’s what I think is bothering me. The fact that she said she wanted to. But then isn’t. If she hadn’t said that I wouldn’t have thought anything of it at all because I usually go on my own.

Show quote history

Yeah, it's like she wanted to play at the committed girlfriend role but now her bluff has been called she's not keen.