Would this bother you? Not sure how I’m feeling.

[memyself111]

I’ve been with my partner for one year.

I have been under a neurologist for 3 1/2 years. I had an appointment a few weeks ago for some tests and I need to go back for an MRI to have another check of my brain.

My partner lives 90 minutes away and didn’t come with me, which was fine. I didn’t ask.

When I had the appointment the other week my partner said she’d really like to come next time because she felt so odd not being at that appointment because she wanted to support me.

I received a letter to say I had an appointment booked, which was meant to be two weeks ago. But we had plans to spend the weekend with her family who live three hours away from me.

I told her I would rearrange the appointment and she said that was fine. I told the hospital I needed to rearrange and they sent me a new appointment out which is tomorrow. I received the letter just under two weeks ago to say that the appointment is tomorrow.

My partner has gone to see her family for an important birthday this weekend which has been planned for a while so has said she can’t come. I told her I can’t rearrange it again because I’ve been waiting for this appointment for a really really long time so she says she understands I will go without her and she is with her family

I’ve had messages from people tonight saying they hope it goes well tomorrow and asking if my partner is going with me. This feels a little strange now. I will go on my own because I’m not used to relying on anybody at all. I don’t want to sound like a victim saying that, but I very much depend on myself. It does however feel a little strange that she isn’t coming. I know that she has to go to the birthday event so I’m not angry about that. The birthday is on Sunday and my appointment is first thing in the morning so I did think she might come with me to the appointment and then go straight to her family‘s house, but That wasn’t in her plan as she wanted to go there today.

I don’t really know what I want from messaging this on here to be honest

No, I’m not pregnant now. I was pregnant just over three years ago when they discovered it the first time.

As your very independent, she might believe that you aren't too bothered going alone.
I'm married but a total lone wolf when it come to asking for assistance.
You've downplayed the situation.
You should have said that you really needed her to come, you had rearranged it for her to go with you.

To be honest if someone said they wanted to come with me to something, and I re-arranged, and then they didn’t come, I would be a bit pissed off. I think it makes it worse that it is a medical appointment because you have effectively postponed something you need for someone who has in the end not honoured their word.

I agree with this to be honest. It's annoying that she let you down after you had rearranged the appointment but it's more bizarre that you postponed it in the first place. You're a young woman, with a child to think about. Don't delay important NHS care because you're partner is prioritising a family barbecue!

I think it sounds like she’s talking the talk but not walking the walk when it comes to supporting you.

I totally get how you feel. It feels pretty one way at the moment to you right?

For me those are most definitely things I would expect a partner to join and I would be pretty upset if they didn’t. Of course if you didn’t care then fair enough, but I think most women would need a lot of support in those circumstances.

Surely your appointment should have taken precedence over a family barbecue. I can’t believe you rearranged it for that. Sorry, but she doesn’t sound very committed at all.

What I'm hearing is that this appointment is the source of quite a lot of fear or at least apprehension for you, and you welcomed your partner wanting to be there for you and it, and now you feel let down that she is not coming through for you - even though you postponed it at her behest! This all seems really understandable. I would absolutely expect my partner to attend with me if I expressed that I needed that.

I do however also agree that given she couldn't attend the first date, you should have prioritized yourself, your own health and the NHS, and gone, taking another supportive person if you needed them. It's not really a pick-and-choose situation.

In any case, take note that your partner isn't taking care to take care of your needs, so that's a problem.

Please don’t rearrange any more appointments for her! Your health comes first.
I hope you’re ok 💐

I’m assuming it’s a tumour or aneurysm since you mentioned checking size. Please go and get checked. If she comes then fine if not then it’s a conversation for another day. Your health comes first, please think of your child.

She's not there for you when you need her. She's not there for you despite saying she would be. She puts herself first even though you've put her first throughout.

I really hope today goes well. Once your appointment is over then it might be time to reassess your relationship. I think you sound lovely and deserve someone much nicer than she is.

Pituitary tumor by any chance?

@C080889 @Deebee90
sorry, I thought I put what it was in my original post. I did initially type what it was but my post kept deleting itself as I was typing it so I had to restart it again. I must’ve forgotten to put it in.

It’s a cyst in my pituitary gland, which was discovered when I was pregnant. I was having horrendous headaches and after doing all of the checks they couldn’t see what it was so they did an MRI and said that it was large, but they didn’t want to do any procedures while I was pregnant. So they wanted to wait to see if it grew in size.

I am anxious about it, especially because I now have a child and I’m just hoping that they say it all looks perfectly fine and that nothing is needed to be done

I think maybe she wanted to come, but it sounds like the times don't suit her. Thats not her fault. Considering if from another perspective, the family member who planned a birthday event for a long time would be upset if she didn't come or was late because of your appointment. She had to choose between the two and chose the one that causes least upset.

I think maybe talk to her about the next appointment and have it penciled in together. Tell her you would like the support. As a very general rule I wouldn't expect someone 90 mins away to come to a medical appointment unless it was very significant.

WHY are you still together??

I think she’s showing you what her priorities are. She could have gone to the birthday for a few hours and then come to yours.

The birthday is tomorrow. my appointment is this morning, but she travelled early to see her family before the birthday event

I wonder if she's getting mixed signals. It's been around for 3.5 years and less important than a BBQ might make her think it's not a big deal?

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.
I had a similar situation where I rearranged an operation so my DP could take me. He’d been with me for a previous operation where he’d seen me have an adverse reaction. Told him about the rearranged date/time and he still didn’t come. Turns out he hadn’t even put it in his diary or booked any time off work (when he said he would).
That was one of the final straws that showed clear as day that he didn’t care and would never prioritise me. I left. And we weren’t even long distance like you are. It looks like you are very low down your partners priority list, and likely always will be.
Is this how you want to live your life?

I really hope your appointment goes well. For me personally thinking back to when my partner and I had been together for a year, I would 100% have prioritised going along with him unless there was a life or death emergency that I couldn’t get out of. Parties and bbqs I would’ve gladly sacked off to be able to be there for him with something like this. I’ve learnt over the years that people either tend to have that frame of mind or they don’t, and if you do and she doesn’t you might not be compatible because situations like this will crop up more and more the longer you’re together, and I can see you both getting really frustrated - you because you feel like you’re not supported, and her because she feels like she’s not doing anything wrong. Good luck with everything

Ah sorry. So she could have gone to your appointment and then gone to the party? That makes it worse.

I think you have accidentally made out that your appointment is less important by changing it so she could attend.

I'm trying to imagine how the conversation would have went.

Oh I had my MRI and they're going to send out another appointment.

I wish I could have been there, I'll come to the next one.

Meanwhile you get the appointment for a date when you already have plans and then switch it. It kind of shows that her attending was more important to you than her as you switched it and she won't switch her plans.

I think what she really meant was "I'd love to come to the next one, so long as I have no other plans".

I think with something like a medical appointment you just go when you get it and not faff about changing appointments and putting things off to accommodate her. It seemed you were fine to go by yourself anyway and just changed it to make her feel more included.

I think you need to be very clear with your expectations are.

It’s very disappointing that she won’t delay setting off a few hours later in order to go with you. It does show her priorities.

YANBU. My partner lives 45 minutes away, an hour in traffic. I have medical issues and she is there for every single appointment without me even having to ask. She has even come back after a night shift, slept for a couple of hours and then driven me to them. If she really wanted to, then she would 🤷‍♀️

How it went was I had an MRI that I went to. The appointment was one I’ve been waiting for a long time. I went to it and had it. I didn’t ask her to come and she didn’t ask to come.

afterwards, she said to me “it didn’t feel good for me that I wasn’t there to support you so please can I come to the next one because I would like to be there with you”.

so then a couple of weeks later an appointment came through. I told her. The bbq had been planned for ages etc. I said I can rearrange it and she said fine.

so then I got a letter saying it was 2 weeks later. So I told her and she said she has plans with family for the birthday which she actually wanted me to attend. I said I couldn’t attend and that I would be going to the appointment instead as I don’t want to rearrange or postpone it again. So she just said she wouldn’t be able to come as she’ll be with her family.
the birthday event is tomorrow and she wanted to get there early for it and have the full weekend there at her parents.