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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in laws - obsessed?

90 replies

neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 07:32

So v long history to this - too much to write and also very very outing to go into specifics.

But outline. Have been with my husband for 13 years. Married for 5. 2 DC. Had a great relationship with my in laws until the ring appeared - she literally turned on me overnight. Will never understand and have stopped trying to.

I am NC after what I would now consider as emotional and verbal abuse from them both (MIL & FIL) so are our children who they are not really bothered about anyway as they came from my womb. My DH is very low contact even though I have wondered why after all the damage they have caused but whatever, they're his parents.

Anyway sorry to go on. But I just feel theyre obsessed with me. When he speaks to them all they talk about is ME, ask about ME and I'm just so sick of it. Why??? I dont understand it and yes it does bother me after all they have put me through. I have asked DH to stop answering questions and talking about me after all that has happened. Has improved. They are also obsessed with our marriage and always saying to him "we have no idea why you are with her. Leave her and the children" (like what the f?). After writing this you're going to say DH problem (I know) but thats not my q? My question is why do they behave like this? It is so exhausting

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2025 09:04

Who cares?
You don't like them, they don't like you
Your H doesn't need to mention them to you at all and could easily close them down when they start talking about you and you don't need to "over hear anything" - thats kind of the point in being NC

Springley · 08/08/2025 09:07

My ex ILs were like this. I did nothing wrong but as soon as DH moved in with me MIL went psycho. I was gaslit for years so had contact regularly (never enough for MIL) and made life hell. I did have a DH problem as he always put them first. Yours seems much better!

I could write a book about the ill treatment but fast forward and we are now divorced, MIL is ecstatic, neither she or exH have bothered with the kids (cards for birthdays and the odd text but not parenting or grandparenting at all). He is his mother's son for sure.

If it was me I would ignore them even though it is hard. At least she doesn't have contact with DC to poison them with their toxic ways. Good that DH sees them now and then so you can never be accused of stopping them seeing their precious son!

SquishedMallow · 08/08/2025 09:09

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Why are you asking him what they talk about ? Don't even ask anything about what occured on those visits! Don't let it occupy your headspace, otherwise you become the one that's obsessed!

hideawayforever · 08/08/2025 09:11

You sound a bit obsessed with them to be honest. I would tell your husband you don't want to hear anything about their conversations, but also don't ask anything about them either.
I had really awful in laws too so I do know what it's like and I was like you, wanting to know everything they'd said.

I wish now I'd handled it all differently and not obsessed over them so much. The best way is to be indifferent to them.

Roothewheel · 08/08/2025 09:12

Admit it Op

when your DH talks to his parents very rarely, you listen behind the door with a glass to your ear?!!

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 08/08/2025 09:14

I have been stalked, harassed, verbally abused and threatened by them

Tell your husband you do not want to hear a single word about the people who stalked, harassed, threatened and abused you. That he's being cruel and weird by passing on their drivel.

CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 09:15

MsCactus · 08/08/2025 08:57

Probably because the mum grew him in her stomach, birthed him, nursed him, raised him to adulthood and since he got with you he barely speaks to them.

I'm not saying you're wrong to go low contact - but that'll be why they ask about you.

Show quote history

Yes. OP, it’s very weird you don’t see this. They still love their child, even if the relationship is strained. He’s married to you, a woman who refuses to see them, and presumably part of the reason he has minimal contact with them. You’re in his life, if not theirs. Did you expect them to press ‘delete’ on you or something?

PestoHoliday · 08/08/2025 09:17

You shouldn't know what they are talking about because a) you shouldn't be there as you are NC and b) he shouldn't be repeating what they say.

He's stirring the pot.

Who gives a rat's ass what they say? They aren't in your life. Remind yourself of that and move on.

moose62 · 08/08/2025 09:18

Perhaps they do it because they have no other way of inserting themselves into your life and that rankles them!
They obviously still want to cause you distress but if you are NC with them it is the only other avenue they have!
Tell your DH that if he speaks to them that is his business but you do not want to hear or be told about the conversation at all....under any circumstances...never!

Iwasphotoframed · 08/08/2025 09:18

Psychologically it is understandable that they still talk about you. To them you represent a threat, a problem that they cannot solve because they are not in control of the parts to solve it in their eyes aka your husband. So that is why they are obsessed with you.

But obviously from your side (and the sane side) that’s all delusional bullshit.

You are doing the control thing too though and that you can change. Vow never to ask your DH about them again and then don’t. Vow to prioritise your peace of mind and not get caught in their delusion and then do that.

My DH has a deluded sister as much as possible we give her zero oxigen.

dogcatkitten · 08/08/2025 09:20

Did you ever get to the bottom of why they fell out with you after you got married? Something big must have happened or come out about that time. PILs perhaps wanting their DH to ditch his wife (if they can't stand her for some reason) but wanting him to ditch their GCs too is very unusual.

BMW6 · 08/08/2025 09:31

How do you know what they are saying to DH?

If he's telling you, ask him to stop.
If you're asking him - STOP IT

Because you sound as obsessed with what they're saying as they are about you!

Stop pondering why they're like this - pointless and achieves nothing.

PrincessJasmine1 · 08/08/2025 09:45

I don't understand. Something must have triggered it and you have not said what really happened. Is your DH non-Western, was there an arranged marriage on the cards? Are you a foreigner to your PILs? Maybe they were hoping for a "better" wife for their son? I'm asking because I've seen this happen in those scenarios.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/08/2025 10:00

Why is he telling you this? Just tell him you don't want to know what they are saying, simple.

Roothewheel · 08/08/2025 11:05

PrincessJasmine1 · 08/08/2025 09:45

I don't understand. Something must have triggered it and you have not said what really happened. Is your DH non-Western, was there an arranged marriage on the cards? Are you a foreigner to your PILs? Maybe they were hoping for a "better" wife for their son? I'm asking because I've seen this happen in those scenarios.

Edited

We will never know

all we do know is that this OP is one for drama

seriously we are talking about a very infrequent conversation that she hears from another room (more like listens at the door) or her dh tells her (ask him to stop)

RainbowSlimeLab · 08/08/2025 12:17

They are jealous of you. You took their son from them. They need to know about you so they know what they're competing with.

I had the same issue with my sister. We're NC but she would insist on asking my mother all about me. Then she knew how to compete with me. She would take up my hobbies in an effort to beat me. I just tried to ignore it.

BauhausOfEliott · 08/08/2025 12:50

I think you also sound a bit obsessed with them. What does it matter to you if they ask about you? You don't speak to them. Forget about it.

Original poster
neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 13:04

ZaZathecat · 08/08/2025 08:43

They are probably obsessed with talking about you as they see you as the reason their son is not fully in their lives

The reason he isnt fully in their lives is because they have terrorised me. Stalked, harassed and threatened me for no good reason. How is their behaviour my issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 13:05

Roothewheel · 08/08/2025 09:00

Going by this thread OP, I would guess that it would be enlightening to hear the In laws version

Oh how is that?

OP posts:
SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 08/08/2025 13:14

neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 13:04

The reason he isnt fully in their lives is because they have terrorised me. Stalked, harassed and threatened me for no good reason. How is their behaviour my issue?

Show quote history

Then it's monstrous of your husband to pass on the terrorisers words. Why is he doing that to you?

Your OP asked why they do it- same as why any abuser abuses: they enjoy it.

Original poster
neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 13:15

Roothewheel · 08/08/2025 11:05

We will never know

all we do know is that this OP is one for drama

seriously we are talking about a very infrequent conversation that she hears from another room (more like listens at the door) or her dh tells her (ask him to stop)

Show quote history

One for drama? 😂 the amount of MILs on this thread is scary. Were you also arrested 2 weeks after your DIL gave birth or was that just mine?

OP posts:
Original poster
neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 13:18

Thank you for those that wrote helpful comments and gave sane advice.

I would love to put details in the thread and specifics because you'd think I was an actual saint if I did. I was advised by several professionals including the police to go no contact for my safety. But yes, I am the drama queen.

Nothing big happened. Just a woman that wished she was married to her own son, genuinely and doesn't like it that my husband treats me better than hers, treats her. We were together a long time before getting engaged- I was close to my inlaws believe or not, until then.

OP posts:
Original poster
neversaynever27 · 08/08/2025 13:21

PrincessJasmine1 · 08/08/2025 09:45

I don't understand. Something must have triggered it and you have not said what really happened. Is your DH non-Western, was there an arranged marriage on the cards? Are you a foreigner to your PILs? Maybe they were hoping for a "better" wife for their son? I'm asking because I've seen this happen in those scenarios.

Edited

No. Same culture, religion, economic background. Our family set ups and upbringings are nearly identical.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 08/08/2025 13:37

Sorry OP, but you sound a little obsessed yourself! Why on earth do you care?!

Put them out of your mind, and try to live by “other people’s opinion of me is none of my business”. 😊

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/08/2025 13:40

My in-laws were like this, completely turned from loving me to hating me from the moment DH told them we'd gotten engaged. They made our lives utter hell, so we cut them out. They've never met our children. MIL is obsessed about slagging me off to everyone she knows (we hear from relatives that bothered to keep in touch with us). PIL wrote DH out of their Will because he refused to divorce me.