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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you stayed with a cheating partner?

60 replies

Namechangenumber756 · 07/08/2025 08:00

Here’s the situation…
You’ve been with your partner 12 years. You have the most fantastic in-laws. You have a gorgeous 7 yr old son, and an amazing 18 month old. 18 month old adores Daddy and chooses him at every opportunity.

You know your partner sent intimate messages (maybe more?) to another woman after 2 years together, you chose to let this go. After 6 years you had reason to think he’d over-stepped the mark re messaging again, but potentially just sharing too much information. Whilst pregnant with DS2 (so 2 years ago), a weird situation happened that you never quite understood (partner disappeared late at night under the pre-text of going to a party but never arrived at the party). This was combined at the time with messages to another female, which I caught a glimpse of, but wasn’t allowed to read when I confronted him. Now you been sent evidence of physical intimacy with another woman over 3 years ago (which apparently all your friends are aware of).

Not would you stay, because I know most of you would say LTB. My question is have you stayed? Have you kept it together because you think it’s better for the children? Is it better for the children, or worse?

Just considering my options.

OP posts:
Tyjaro75 · 07/08/2025 08:03

Absolutely not. Sorry.

Agix · 07/08/2025 08:07

It doesn't matter what other people did, really. They are not you and their partners are not your cheating partner. Even in circumstances exactly the same, dynamics will be different because you're all different people.

Do you want to stay? Is it doable for you? Are you happy with this continuing to happen (because it will)?

Parents separating is obviously bad for the children, but the only thing worse is if you stay and the environment is miserable/toxic/abusive. If you can stay and be happy families, then great. But in situations where people are considering separation at all, it's because they can't do that.

I personally havnt stayed with a cheating partner.

Endofyear · 07/08/2025 08:19

Sorry OP but I don't think many women would stay in your situation. Your partner is showing all the hallmarks of a serial cheat. If you stay, I think you have to be realistic with yourself and acknowledge that it will happen again and again. Do you really want to live like that?

Questioningnamechange · 07/08/2025 08:30

I wouldn't stay, no.

I suppose it depends if you're happy to stay in the knowledge that he will do it again? Is that ok with you? It's fine if it is, consensual non-monogamy isn't for me, but there are people it works for. It requires him to be upfront and honest with you about his plans, though, and to commit to being open with you and protecting your sexual health. Do you trust him to do that? He's already lied to you and hidden things from you with this, so his initial track record wouldn't be confidence inducing for me.

Do you want to stay in a non-monogamous relationship or are you hoping he will suddenly become faithful if you stay? If it's the latter then I'm really sorry but he isn't going to do that, he's shown you he has no intentions of being faithful already.

Your children will be happiest and best off in a loving, mutually respectful, environment. You staying, and him continuing to cheat against your wishes and making you unhappy isn't that, and in that instance you'd be better to separate and give them 2 happier homes.

Iceandfire92 · 07/08/2025 08:31

Staying with your DH only affirms to your boys that rampant infidelity is permissable; you are a mum of boys, please do not be the dutiful wife who waits at home while her husband cheats making his dinner. They will emulate your behaviour and possibly treat you with disdain into adulthood as they have witnessed their male role model doing to their mother so many times. Behaviour like this often becomes generational if left unchecked. How would you feel about your boys repeating their father's behaviour in the future?

HopingForTheBest25 · 07/08/2025 08:34

A one off incident is a situation that a couple can recover from if the cheater is genuinely remorseful and puts in all the work to ensure it never happens again.
Serial cheating, which is what your partner is doing, absolutely not. It's so,so disrespectful and humiliating that all your friends know as well. And that's before you get into the potential exposure to STDs.
The truth is that a man who really loves you, wouldn't behave in a way that causes you pain and humiliation. It honestly doesn't matter how lovely his parents are or how much the kids love him - at core he's a shitty father because every time he does this, he risks their security and stable home life.
Frankly both you and they deserve better!

Your children don't know about this right now because they are so young, but the time will come when they see how things are. You don't want your kids growing up to absorb this kind of behaviour as normal and to repeat the pattern in their own relationships.

The other thing is that you can think you are 'over' something but this level of hurt causes fractures that can't ever be fully repaired and sometimes years down the line an unrelated situation will blow the cracks wide open again.
I think overall, it's probably better to end a relationship where cheating has occurred, no matter how much you love them.

BreezyPeachGoose · 07/08/2025 08:37

Do you want either an open marriage or would you be content to live in a permanent state of denial?

If not then separate.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/08/2025 08:37

No, sorry. I sense that you're looking for permission to stay and I understand why, but I think this ship has sailed. In my case the reasons would be:

  • I would never be able to trust or respect him again and in my view without trust or respect there is no partnership and no point being in a relationship.
  • I would certainly never be able to maintain a sexual or romantic relationship with this man and there's no point maintaining a fiction based on shared connection and love with someone who is cheating on you.
  • You're sending a signal to your children that this is how men treat women in partnerships and your family life is based on a lie. For that reason alone, possibly above all others, I would leave.

I get that its going to hurt and be disruptive. But I think you know inside that you can't continue to tolerate this. You need to do it sooner rather than later.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 07/08/2025 08:38

In this case by letting the messages slide the first time he's seen it as a free pass to behave as he wants. So, you can either carry on letting him cheat on you to keep your lovely life and fuck your self esteem and worth or you can fuck him off
I'd have chosen the latter in the first instance of him taking the piss out of me.

TruJay · 07/08/2025 08:38

Nope, his shit would be in bags on the driveway. We’ve been through far too much shit together in our lives and are such a strong pair and the sense of betrayal I would feel if he cheated would be too intense for me to even consider anything other than relationship over. He would be a completely different person to me and I could never go back to what we were once I’d found out he’d cheated.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and the fact that all your friends know and not one of them has told you, those relationships would be dead to me too.

He isn’t a good partner or a good father, to treat the mother of his children this way, what an arse!
At some point, if you stay, your children will notice the lack of respect he has for you. You don’t want to make this seem like an acceptable way to treat someone.

GentlemanJay · 07/08/2025 08:40

There is obviously stuff going on. Maybe you need to question the friends that know to get to the bottom of it. It will continue through your marriage.

Can you put these thoughts into a box or does your self respect take over.

He can still be a good dad as a single day.

HelloGreatNews · 07/08/2025 08:41

Everyone has 1 chance. People make mistakes and forget how actions hurt other people.
one this has been used - anything that happens after that (which is still extremely generous) then it’s a no - leave from me.

Fool me once - shame on you.
Fool me twice - shame on ME!

good luck with your choices.

Starlight1984 · 07/08/2025 08:44

HelloGreatNews · 07/08/2025 08:41

Everyone has 1 chance. People make mistakes and forget how actions hurt other people.
one this has been used - anything that happens after that (which is still extremely generous) then it’s a no - leave from me.

Fool me once - shame on you.
Fool me twice - shame on ME!

good luck with your choices.

This.

ClaredeBear · 07/08/2025 09:02

I know someone who stayed whilst their partner was casually unfaithful for many years. They were never truly happy - it was only a matter of time before his next indiscretion with whoever would have him - and inevitably the situation escalated until the relationship was low value due to the inevitable lack of respect on both parts. Kids saw their mother being treated like rubbish and the eldest did the same and still does into his 30s. I found is difficult to see a good friend allowing herself to be treated like this (it’s not something I could get my head around) and I probably lost a tiny bit of respect for her, even though she’s an amazing person and is incredibly strong, clever and resourceful in other ways. She’s great now but it’s really taken its toll on her and her relationship with her wider family and kids and probably her confidence. What a waste.

UsernameMcUsername · 07/08/2025 09:07

I'm sorry, but this is sustained serial cheating over the course of your marriage. My experience of serial cheating is slightly different, in that I found out about one thing (pretty spectacularly) and then it all spilled out. It had been happening on and off for years. And yes I did LTB. In your case this seems to just be who he is. I'm sorry. I would also be alert for financial shenanigans (my ex had secret credit card debt)

DaisyChain505 · 07/08/2025 09:08

This isn’t just some one off silly mistake.

This is a continued string of poor behaviour that shows his morals and his true feelings about you. He doesn’t respect you or your relationship or family unit.

He knows you’ll put up with it no matter what so he continues to do it.

DrDisrespect · 07/08/2025 09:09

I wouldn't even consider staying after 1 incident, let alone several.

MooDengOfThailand · 07/08/2025 11:17

Nope.
It would be over for me.

Sounds like you love the lifestyle that your marriage brings.
If you stay - you'll be one of legions of women who do so.

CommissarySushi · 07/08/2025 11:27

If your husband valued keeping your family together for you and your kids, then he wouldn't be cheating on you.

Countessy · 07/08/2025 11:32

Sorry, I absolutely would leave.

I opened this expecting it to be an isolated one-off mistake, and him being completely and utterly contrite (not that I would stay even then). Instead you have hard evidence your husband is a serial cheat, and no contrition.

You make your own decision but I wouldn’t tolerate it.

Begaydocrime94 · 07/08/2025 11:36

It hasn't happened to me, but if I was comfortable in the marriage and didn't want to break up my family I would simply stay and pursue something on the side myself. Like I say I wouldn't know until it happened but I could see myself becoming more like friends and co-parents with my partner and potentially also seeking out my emotional/sexual needs elsewhere. I'm not sure how helpful that is! I hope you're ok <3

ThejoyofNC · 07/08/2025 11:40

Staying is okaying.

You're basically letting him know that you're willing to put up with it so he will do it over and over again.

Stade197 · 07/08/2025 11:41

It hasn't happened to me but I think if one indicent occurred I could try to work through it to keep my family together, if incidents kept happening every few years then I don't think I could let that go because that just tells me it's not going to change and it's going to keep on happening

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 07/08/2025 11:44

You'll need regular STD tests if you choose to not dump him.
Do you own your own property, have financial independence? This boyfriend is not to be trusted in any way, and is a fundamentally terrible man, so best to secure your finances and property if you haven't already.

moose17 · 07/08/2025 11:47

No absolutely not. To me it’s all about respect he has no respect for me if he cheats and I would have no respect for myself if I stayed with him.