Have you stayed with a cheating partner?

[Namechangenumber756]

Here’s the situation…
You’ve been with your partner 12 years. You have the most fantastic in-laws. You have a gorgeous 7 yr old son, and an amazing 18 month old. 18 month old adores Daddy and chooses him at every opportunity.

You know your partner sent intimate messages (maybe more?) to another woman after 2 years together, you chose to let this go. After 6 years you had reason to think he’d over-stepped the mark re messaging again, but potentially just sharing too much information. Whilst pregnant with DS2 (so 2 years ago), a weird situation happened that you never quite understood (partner disappeared late at night under the pre-text of going to a party but never arrived at the party). This was combined at the time with messages to another female, which I caught a glimpse of, but wasn’t allowed to read when I confronted him. Now you been sent evidence of physical intimacy with another woman over 3 years ago (which apparently all your friends are aware of).

Not would you stay, because I know most of you would say LTB. My question is have you stayed? Have you kept it together because you think it’s better for the children? Is it better for the children, or worse?

Just considering my options.

I don’t think a few years of playing happy family will protect them from inevitably learning that their father is a liar and a cheat.
When they reach their teen years and are fully aware (and yes they will know), the shit of having “normalized” an untrustworthy, deceitful, lying partner will hit the fan.
Your children will have quietly seriously been damaged. They will act out or worse become involved in equally abusive relationships as victim or perpetrator.
No reason to not continue a solid relationship with in-laws.

I stayed after the 1st time. We split after the 2nd but got back together. There was a suspected third but I thought I was 'too far in' - marriage, child etc - to leave. Then the 4th happened while DC2 was 5 months old and I was going half mad with homeschooling etc and no support during covid. I saw red and said that was it, no ifs or buts. I hadnt put any thought into the finances but I knew that i couldnt live with the constant suspicion and self-esteem in the gutter.

Ive never looked back.

The younger the kids are, the better. Don't wait for the NEXT time. There will be one.

I stayed and still regret it (6 years later).

An unhappy mother is not what is best for the children, so really think if you would be able to stay in the marriage. You would have to be at peace with what hes done, if your going to harbour resentment and ill feelings that will be picked up on by the children.

Thank you to everyone for your advice. This was not where I expected to be in my late 40s, deciding between becoming a single mum, or staying with someone who cheats on me. I just want to cry.

I know of 2 women who stayed and they both did so for the same reason. Money. Their standard of living was better with their "D"H than it would be if he became an ex-"D"H.

As one said to my DW, it turned me from a wife into a golddigger.

Money is not the issue. I have very little now, I’ll still have very little.

Yes, I stayed. But the relationship was never the same & I never fully trusted him again or really felt comfortable with him.
Ultimately it ended.
It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

@Namechangenumber756 staying under these circumstances is delaying the inevitable break up.

A man who is mentally and physically cheating is not a man in love with his partner. He has checked out of the relationship but isn't admitting it because why would he willingly give up a cushy home, wife who dotes on him and kids who worship him? He gets fed, clothed and life run smoothly and gets the excitement of cheating too.

He's done it more than once now. He knows it devastates you but he doesn't really care. He knows he can get away with it.

He's not interested in stopping or doing any self reflection to change as a flawed person. He knows he doesn't have to and he thinks you are too stupid to really catch him anyway.

You can stay. You can show your kids what an unhealthy relationship example is so they end up having their own dysfunctional relationship and you can grow older with this man giving up you looks, body and time only to end up dumped down the line when he eventually decides to leave anyway because someone younger has caught his eye.

By then you will be older, bitter and permanently damaged by the years of mistrust and resentment. You will lose yourself.

Or, you can throw him out now and never listen to another lie out his mouth again. You can get primary custody of the kids and he can pay you support. You can go live your life away from him and hopefully find the next man who comes along is the right man - the one who really loves you and realises your value.

He won't change because he doesn't want to change. He is chooses himself each and every time. He is all that matters to him.

So, what are you going to do?

You aren't married and his financial obligations to you are minimal - I'd caution you against being 10 years down the track and then splitting up, when the kids are older and it's harder. Why deny yourself the opportunity to build a life that's built on decency and respect and with the possibility of meeting a man who isn't a serial cheater? He won't change and you'll just get more and more ground down by it all.