Have you stayed with a cheating partner?

[Namechangenumber756]

Here’s the situation…
You’ve been with your partner 12 years. You have the most fantastic in-laws. You have a gorgeous 7 yr old son, and an amazing 18 month old. 18 month old adores Daddy and chooses him at every opportunity.

You know your partner sent intimate messages (maybe more?) to another woman after 2 years together, you chose to let this go. After 6 years you had reason to think he’d over-stepped the mark re messaging again, but potentially just sharing too much information. Whilst pregnant with DS2 (so 2 years ago), a weird situation happened that you never quite understood (partner disappeared late at night under the pre-text of going to a party but never arrived at the party). This was combined at the time with messages to another female, which I caught a glimpse of, but wasn’t allowed to read when I confronted him. Now you been sent evidence of physical intimacy with another woman over 3 years ago (which apparently all your friends are aware of).

Not would you stay, because I know most of you would say LTB. My question is have you stayed? Have you kept it together because you think it’s better for the children? Is it better for the children, or worse?

Just considering my options.

I don’t think a few years of playing happy family will protect them from inevitably learning that their father is a liar and a cheat.
When they reach their teen years and are fully aware (and yes they will know), the shit of having “normalized” an untrustworthy, deceitful, lying partner will hit the fan.
Your children will have quietly seriously been damaged. They will act out or worse become involved in equally abusive relationships as victim or perpetrator.
No reason to not continue a solid relationship with in-laws.

I stayed after the 1st time. We split after the 2nd but got back together. There was a suspected third but I thought I was 'too far in' - marriage, child etc - to leave. Then the 4th happened while DC2 was 5 months old and I was going half mad with homeschooling etc and no support during covid. I saw red and said that was it, no ifs or buts. I hadnt put any thought into the finances but I knew that i couldnt live with the constant suspicion and self-esteem in the gutter.

Ive never looked back.

The younger the kids are, the better. Don't wait for the NEXT time. There will be one.

I stayed and still regret it (6 years later).

An unhappy mother is not what is best for the children, so really think if you would be able to stay in the marriage. You would have to be at peace with what hes done, if your going to harbour resentment and ill feelings that will be picked up on by the children.

Thank you to everyone for your advice. This was not where I expected to be in my late 40s, deciding between becoming a single mum, or staying with someone who cheats on me. I just want to cry.

I know of 2 women who stayed and they both did so for the same reason. Money. Their standard of living was better with their "D"H than it would be if he became an ex-"D"H.

As one said to my DW, it turned me from a wife into a golddigger.

Money is not the issue. I have very little now, I’ll still have very little.

Yes, I stayed. But the relationship was never the same & I never fully trusted him again or really felt comfortable with him.
Ultimately it ended.
It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

@Namechangenumber756 staying under these circumstances is delaying the inevitable break up.

A man who is mentally and physically cheating is not a man in love with his partner. He has checked out of the relationship but isn't admitting it because why would he willingly give up a cushy home, wife who dotes on him and kids who worship him? He gets fed, clothed and life run smoothly and gets the excitement of cheating too.

He's done it more than once now. He knows it devastates you but he doesn't really care. He knows he can get away with it.

He's not interested in stopping or doing any self reflection to change as a flawed person. He knows he doesn't have to and he thinks you are too stupid to really catch him anyway.

You can stay. You can show your kids what an unhealthy relationship example is so they end up having their own dysfunctional relationship and you can grow older with this man giving up you looks, body and time only to end up dumped down the line when he eventually decides to leave anyway because someone younger has caught his eye.

By then you will be older, bitter and permanently damaged by the years of mistrust and resentment. You will lose yourself.

Or, you can throw him out now and never listen to another lie out his mouth again. You can get primary custody of the kids and he can pay you support. You can go live your life away from him and hopefully find the next man who comes along is the right man - the one who really loves you and realises your value.

He won't change because he doesn't want to change. He is chooses himself each and every time. He is all that matters to him.

So, what are you going to do?

You aren't married and his financial obligations to you are minimal - I'd caution you against being 10 years down the track and then splitting up, when the kids are older and it's harder. Why deny yourself the opportunity to build a life that's built on decency and respect and with the possibility of meeting a man who isn't a serial cheater? He won't change and you'll just get more and more ground down by it all.

I did. And it remains the biggest regret if my entire life. For what I thought was for the best for our two children I put up with years of infidelity in my first marriage. When I finally realised divorce was the only answer, I ended up having a complete breakdown and I know it all affected my children long term because the marriage became so toxic. There were other factors in my needing him out of my life but the constant betrayal was so damaging. I don't believe a partner who cannot be faithful to you is a partner at all. I wasted most of the best years of my life on someone selfish and gaslighting.

Op just leave, please. You will never grow into love or forgiveness, I don't know how you're even still attracted to him. What a scum bag.

There’s an old friend whose DH has been chronically unfaithful throughout their marriage. She’s had phone calls from at least two husbands confronting her with situations. He has a home abroad he slopes off to.. where he has two fwb. She stays because of their big two million pound house, their dogs, their two daughters, and their status in the village. She has a good lifestyle and he keeps up appearances.
To me he looks like a lump of bacteria carrying flesh with a drink problem and lecherry issues, but she’s chosen her life. And there are far more people like this than you might know.
unfaithful partners are more common than we like to admit, and each person has to decide for themselves how they feel.
I also have ‘ happily married’ friends who haven’t had sex with their partners for years and have slowly become sex repulsed during the course of marriage.
it isn’t truly as simple as LTB.

I think if you let them get away with it once, they will know they can keep on getting away with it. And keep doing it. You can play happy families but it will probably eat away at you, and in the end it won't be a very good atmosphere for the children to grow up in. That's how I'd feel anyway

No chance

I think pretty much every woman who has never been in your situation will tell you they would LTB.

The reality is that faced with actually doing it, many, especially those with children as young as yours - don't.

Unfortunately, as your husband appears to have been cheating on you one way or another since your relationship started, it seems unlikely he will change. Can you live with that?

Being a divorced and single parent and the difficulties that come with it have to be weighed against the inevitable hurt and humiliation you will inevitably suffer if you stay married to this man. It's a shit choice to have to make, but only you can decide what is best for you and your children.

I am close to two women who stayed with husbands who cheated on them when they had very young children.

Jane's husband left her to live with another woman when their daughter was a year old. She took him back six months later and they had two more children. Jane thought they had a happy marriage until, twenty years later he left her for good. After he had gone she found out he had been having affairs throughout their marriage, including one that lasted five years.

Esther had four children aged 3-8 when her husband had a short affair with a woman who worked for him. The woman became pregnant and Esther's husband supported the resulting child until he was 18. With four young children to bring up, Esther "forgave" him.

Esther is now 85 and her husband died last year. As far as she knows, he never had another affair, but he was a nasty, selfish man in other ways. Outwardly their marriage looked happy, but Esther's son, who I know well, hated his father and never forgave him for the way he treated his mother.