Have you stayed with a cheating partner?

[Namechangenumber756]

Here’s the situation…
You’ve been with your partner 12 years. You have the most fantastic in-laws. You have a gorgeous 7 yr old son, and an amazing 18 month old. 18 month old adores Daddy and chooses him at every opportunity.

You know your partner sent intimate messages (maybe more?) to another woman after 2 years together, you chose to let this go. After 6 years you had reason to think he’d over-stepped the mark re messaging again, but potentially just sharing too much information. Whilst pregnant with DS2 (so 2 years ago), a weird situation happened that you never quite understood (partner disappeared late at night under the pre-text of going to a party but never arrived at the party). This was combined at the time with messages to another female, which I caught a glimpse of, but wasn’t allowed to read when I confronted him. Now you been sent evidence of physical intimacy with another woman over 3 years ago (which apparently all your friends are aware of).

Not would you stay, because I know most of you would say LTB. My question is have you stayed? Have you kept it together because you think it’s better for the children? Is it better for the children, or worse?

Just considering my options.

I’m not sure how it’s better for the children to see a relationship where the father has so little respect for the mother he has cheated multiple times?

it doesn’t sound like he’s made any assurances he plans to someone change his ways

No im worth more than being his second choice.
Plus spending the next years wondering and thinking if he will do it again.
100% trust is gone and will never be coming back either.
If he loved me has he said he did why go looking elsewhere.
No matter how hard it would be to get over it id rather be single than stay with someone that would cheat.

It boils down to this; Are you willing to look the other way, turn a blind eye? If you have an otherwise happy, comfortable life, could you stay & ask no questions?

Only you know what you can tolerate.

I agree with this. That is what I would do I think, one chance and if any repeat? Out the door.
That said, I have a good friend who very happily turns a blind eye to her husbands bits on the side. She believes he loves her but he has a very high sex drive (twice a night high) and she is not prepared to do that. So he has occasional "dalliances" to meet these needs (not paid). He knows she knows but they don't talk about it. She genuinely seems to not care and they have a very nice life together. Wouldn't be for me but everyone is different.

My husband had an affair and I stayed (after a lot of conditions were met). If he were to even look at another person in an inappropriate way again, I'd have his bags packed by the door with no discussion.

Of course you can choose to stay, but I think you'd be accepting the very real possibility of another incident. What actions has your DH taken to show remorse, build trust and become a safe partner? It's possible to do those things but I think the number of men who are truly capable of that level of emotional work is vanishingly small.

No.

I would have literally tortured us both.

I stayed with a partner after discovering messages between him and someone else. Went through counselling and put it behind us. Two years later he did it again and I realised that he was never going to stop. So that was that.

In your scenario, only you can decide what to do but I think you need to be aware that he will absolutely keep doing it. If you can live with that, then you can make the relationship work but it would require you to turn a blind eye.

I wouldn’t do that again. The price is too high. I also knew (deep down) I deserved better.

Hell nope

I have stayed, but only because it was a drunk one night stand that he told me about within days (and happened at a time when we were going through a rough patch and neglecting each other).
If there’d been an ongoing affair or any sniff of a repeat offence it would’ve been over.

Yes, I’d probably stay. But everyone’s different and only you know what you can tolerate.

I’d want to keep my family together. I’d want to preserve the family unit and have DH living together with the children. That’d be my priority… and I could turn a blind eye as long as he was discreet. But we’re the best of friends and could manage this sort of arrangement, I think.

Never. Because I saw what staying with my Dad did to my Mum long term. By the time he met an OW worth leaving her for, she was a shadow of the person she used to be. So it's a hard line for me. And I have never thanked her for keeping the family together so please don't make that mistake. They were fine for a while, then the shit would hit the fan, arguments, rows, screaming, shouting, threats of throwing him out, then the hysterical bonding. Then fine for a while..... and on and on and on. It left me scarred, frightened to trust men at all, and DH was an incredibly patient man waiting for me to trust him. It took years.

I possibly have.

Around 6 years ago I discovered DP had been in contact with an ex girlfriend. I never discovered the extent of it although I know they did not meet in person as she lives in Middle East now. Whatever was going on, it was not entirely innocent. Not sure how long it had been going on, not particularly long.

This was discovered when my youngest child was 18 months. It had been a particularly traumatic birth and both me and DC were in and out for hospital for first 3 months.

When the contact with ex girlfriend was discovered, DP claimed it was due to lack of intimacy since the birth of younger two children (so around 4 years), and in particular since the youngests birth.

I was very angry as I felt he had no real understanding of the trauma of the birth (he knew things were bad when we were in hospital but once it was over he seemed to just forget about it. Whereas it had a severe effect on me and my mental health). However, I couldn’t deny that there really had been no sex for years, and that is hard for anybody to take.

I was in survival mode so didn’t miss it. But he clearly did.

However, he didn’t really do much to help or try to discuss this with me. We just drifted apart, and he started messaging ex girlfriend.

I was furious. As I say I never found out the extent of the messages, but based on what I understand to be the vague truth, it wasn’t enough to end the marriage over. It also would have had a detrimental effect on all of us, particularly the kids, for lots of reasons including financial.

I forgave but I certainly haven’t forgotten.

We are back on track and have a healthy sex life. If he ever did anything similar again, I would not forgive. I can understand how the lack of intimacy must have affected him so he was flattered by the attention elsewhere. But if he ever did that whilst getting attention at home from me - no way.

I guess everybody has to draw their line somewhere.

For me, the fact that there was no physical contact or attempt to meet or do anything physically meant I could forgive on this occasion. also the fact that he did it due to me being completely unavailable to him. But the flirting / inappropriate conversations/ whatever was hard to stomach and certainly was not acceptable.

At the moment my thought would be that I could not put up with that again.

It happened around 5 or 6 years ago now and I do still think about it and it has made me wary and less trusting than I was.

Yes. Or more accurately took him back after he left for a full relationship affair, which he rapidly regretted. We have been married over 20 years, close to retirement and I was well aware I wasn't being easy to live with for a variety of complex intertwined reasons.

He has had his one chance. Any sniff of anything else and he is out the door. He doesn't know it, but I have my own internal timelines. If he even drops remotely below par before those are reached, he will also be out the door.

At your stage of life and multiple infidelities, no. He has already had his chance and blown it over and over again.

As someone else said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

How would you feel if you stayed and then he left you for an affair partner...are you prepared to be older and looking to begin again? If you are this should guide you about working and planning your financial independence from now

You are asking for the views of people who have stayed. They will always try to justify their decision and pretend that it was the right thing to do (at the time, for their family, etc).
Truth is it’s totally up to you, but if you stay you need to fully appreciate what message that sends. Do what you like. Don’t worry about my feelings. Don’t worry what your children will think when they find out about it (because they will). Risk my health all you want, physical and mental.
The list goes on…

It’s a very individual choice op, and I’m sorry you are going through this. When it happened to me I didn’t stay, and I’m glad I didn’t. Staying would have eaten away at my self esteem and ruined my mental health - I never could trust him again, he ruined it and that’s that really.

What happens when he falls in love with one of his partners down the line and leaves you for her?

It depends on how much self respect you have. Staying sets a dreadful example to your DC. It also will ruin your self confidence. Because he will do it again, and you will find out. It's up to you whether or not you can live that life.

I couldn't, I would be miserable.

I would leave immediately.
But I have friends who stayed. The trust disappeared and eventually they had enough when the cheating continued despite promises to stop, and they left.
You’re giving permission for continued cheating by staying and it’ll end up feeling so bad you will have to leave at some point, having been unhappy for years.
Cut your losses now before it becomes the focus of your life. You deserve better.

I stayed. I regret it every single day and I'm trying hard to leave now.

I can think of valid reasons for someone to stay with a cheating partner and not leave straight away.

I was just thinking the other day how I actually would stay with DP if we were married and he cheated. But it’s a unique situation involving being an expat on a visa and in a precarious industry. I need to be married for X number of years before getting PR/citizenship. So I would stay until then (only if we were already married - I would not marry a known cheat). I imagine I would also stay with a cheating partner if I had a baby under 1 year old and I had just returned to work from maternity leave. I would wait until I was re-established at work, build up savings that depleted during mat leave, then walk out.

I did with my ex. He didn’t stop, although he would pause it after I found out or get more careful for a while then eventually get lax over it again and I would find out. I only found happiness when I caught him yet again (after quite a few last chances “for the sake of the kids”) and told him to leave.

Agree. DP and I have no kids together and I’d stay for as long as I had to if there were something in it for me. And I’d try to be as cheerful as possible because there is no point in making us both miserable at home, life is too short. But I’d have my eye on the prize and I’d leave in due course.

Honestly OP this guy is a tomcat. He won’t alter. You can set conditions and rules but do you want to spend the rest of your life monitoring his phone, email account etc and telling him who he can and can’t work/socialise with? Sounds a bit stressful to me. You’d be better off single or with a man who doesn’t want to get his dick wet in someone else.

I stayed
i was vulnerable

Whats my advice? Don’t waste your years.

Whilst I’m completely ok now and we are both pretty strong (and older) , I was fucking traumatised for YEARS. There’s one years worth of photos I look back on now and you can see how dead I am in the eyes, how absolutely zoned out of reality I was because I was so consumed in my grief and distrust.

Not happened to me but I wouldn’t blame any woman for emotionally checking out of the marriage and biding her time and leaving when it suits her. I think a decision to stay for now can sometimes be sensible.