To think that if men were dumped at the first sign of aggression, maybe they’d think twice before reacting with violence?

[MyDeftLemonShark]

Spurred on by the other thread…

Sometimes there are signs and they get dismissed or downplayed. A slammed door. A thrown object. A raised voice over something minor. These are not just bad moods, they’re warning shots.

I genuinely believe if more women walked away at the first display of aggressive behaviour, some men might be forced to confront their lack of emotional regulation. But instead, society teaches women to be patient, to de-escalate, to rationalise male rage.

Of course people can have bad days but there’s a line. And I think crossing that line, especially without remorse or willingness to get help should be relationship-ending. Not a red flag we try to fix.

AIBU?

Always has been. Have you ever read an affair thread on MN?
A man's only responsibility is to exist.

So you do blame the victim then.

Oh I know, sometimes no matter how well raised a man has been, they just turn into cunts

I think some men are wired that way.

But this poster seems to think that women should correct their behavior so I threw the mother into the mix just to make her realize how ludicrous it all was.

I have actually seen threads on here from some mothers with teenage sons, saying their son has slapped them, push them or thrown and broken their things. Do you think they call the police? Did they hell. Anything to protect their darling little son and no wonder they go on to be wife, beaters, too.

Lots of parents enabled their childrens behaviour.

I don't agree that society is responsible only for supporting victims and not making any attempt to change the violent behaviour in the first place. These people don't become violent or commit violence in a vacuum. It's not a runaway train that no-one can stop. We could and should change the way our society enables violent men.

Oh no, I understand what you were doing. And I get the point!

Just pointing out the reality.

No it doesn't!

Check out this thread

A whole load of women, many of them, mothers tripping over themselves to defend a man who raped a thirteen year old girl. Apparently they didn't want to attach any weight to what was written in the daily mail?Rather than focus on the fact that are grown, man had raped to thirteen year old girl in broad daylight.

I mean, I'll take it all back women do enable man's behaviors and some women are their own worst enemies.

And the replies to those threads are usually peppered with 'trauma this', 'ASD that', 'MH issues', 'damaged, lost and lonely', 'he needs support'

And so on...

Disingenuous. No one defended him.

Oh yes, the first thing the women and mothers do is jumped to make excuses for the teenage boy who smashed up his house and punched his mother in the face.

Maybe he's autistic they say. As if that's an excuse.

Then they wouldn't believe their darling son's wife or girlfriend that he's a violent little shit towards them as well

Abusers just move onto the next woman until someone tolerates their behaviour.

No. It doesn’t work. Men like this aren’t going to be tamed by women. They hate them.

Men are aggressive to women because it works for them. It’s not because they don’t know any better. It’s because they know it works. Unfortunately you just have to leave them if it happens. You won’t change a mindset that sees this advantage

Yes I’ve seen those threads. And of course, often there isn’t a father anywhere to be seen (or if there is one present, he is also violent, aggressive or controlling). It is much harder for a young lad to end up like that if he has a positive male role model. In the home, but if not then very much a part of his life on a daily or weekly basis. It’s awful that (often single) mothers are frightened of their own sons in their own home- and to then often be blamed for the way he has turned out. Maybe her parenting has been good, maybe it hasn’t, but she is at a disadvantage from the start trying to raise her son into a good man without some input from good men. If my 17 year-old DS was to get violent, I like to think I would call the police, as would DH. But there’s safety in numbers, I’d feel a lot more vulnerable if DH wasn’t here as DS is a good ten inches taller than me and has been stronger than me since he was about 12 or 13.

As for the OP, there is- in a broader sense- a pushback from young women. Not to violence necessarily but just shitty behaviour in general from men. There’s a feeling that many men have nothing to offer- so many women are successful and self-sufficient in their own right. They don’t need a provider, they only want a partner if they’re really going to enhance their life. They don’t want cocklodgers, incels, men who don’t pull their weight around the house, men who cheat on them, men who are addicted to porn or use prostitutes or drink too much or are just generally useless twats. I’m constantly seeing articles about how many younger women are choosing to stay single and childfree and are enjoying their lives. And the response from these men? Are they going home to work on themselves or consider how to become more appealing and just generally a better man?

No, of course not. They’re throwing their toys out of the pram and having mantrums and calling women stuck-up bitches and cunts and all the things they’ve always said to women who reject them.

But hey, if nothing else, I’m glad there are many women living happy, free lives with their own homes and friends and travel and of course their cats 😂 I admire them and kind of envy them.

Maybe those men will eventually get the message and work on themselves (I won’t hold my breath). But at least their chances of passing their genes on are reduced.

My exH used to throw things when he was angry. Our marriage counsellor told us that throwing things is usually the last step before hitting. I ended the marriage. Now he's in another serious relationship. They don't live together but I feel a bit nervous for her every time I know they're away together. I don't believe me being unaccepting of violent behaviour did anything except make a new victim.

Whilst I’ve noted YANBU, the truth is that by the time they start throwing things and slamming doors they have already started eroding your self esteem and you second guess even that.

I doubt it would fix men but it certainly would be good for women. I would go further than just aggressive behaviour. Women should leave at the first sign of sexual entitlement and misogynistic beliefs. Porn use= done. Any requests for abusive sexual acts or other acts popular in porn (like anal sex)= done. Any hint of being sexually coercive= done. Any mean-spirited sexist joke= done. Any disrespectful comment about women= done. Any evidence that he might be a cheater= done.
This would eliminate about 99% of men, so we would basically have to be celibate, which I am, by choice.

Since most women do want to have sex and relationships with men and raise children with them, that leaves them no alternative but to accept one of the 99%. I guess the best strategy would be to go for a 99 percenter who isn't aggressive, so you have a point.

It seems more 'sensible' to ignore it and have children with them because a need to have a child seems to be more important than ensuring having a child with a suitable parent then wondering ehy the cycle continues, and this can be labelled however people want i stand by it

Ignore aggression and raise a child with a man who is not a suitable parent and may even be abusive? That's not a sane or viable strategy.

What do you class as aggression?

So if your partner got aggressive with another man who was trying to touch you or steal something, you would dump him?

You do realise that men ARE naturally more aggressive than women. It's not about being abusive.

I think you are setting impossibly high standards that no man could ever meet.

Inciden, have you ever lost your temper OP?

Because if you have, I don't know on what basis you could possibly judge a man for also losing theirs.

I saw that thread and did not see any posts defending that man.

^^ Listening to this kind of nonsense right here is how women end up with terrible, abusive men

It's not strictly true that men are naturally more aggressive. Men engage in more direct and physical aggression and women engage in more indirect and verbal aggression.
MN is a perfect place to observe female aggression. There is so much nastiness about the pettiest of things. Sometimes it's outright insults and other times it's passive aggressive. It would be true to say men are generally more physically aggressive.

Male aggression is not entirely natural (meaning biologically based, I assume?) as it is also learned behaviour.

Btw, there is a large difference between the potential for harm between male and female aggression, so yes, the OP has a right to judge a man as potentially harmful based on aggressive acts even if she loses her temper herself. She's not likely to kill or seriously injure a partner, but women are killed and maimed by their partners all the time. Surely you realize that.

Yes I think it's a good idea. Maybe it won't change that particular man but why dhould you have to put up with aggression?