To think that if men were dumped at the first sign of aggression, maybe they’d think twice before reacting with violence?

[MyDeftLemonShark]

Spurred on by the other thread…

Sometimes there are signs and they get dismissed or downplayed. A slammed door. A thrown object. A raised voice over something minor. These are not just bad moods, they’re warning shots.

I genuinely believe if more women walked away at the first display of aggressive behaviour, some men might be forced to confront their lack of emotional regulation. But instead, society teaches women to be patient, to de-escalate, to rationalise male rage.

Of course people can have bad days but there’s a line. And I think crossing that line, especially without remorse or willingness to get help should be relationship-ending. Not a red flag we try to fix.

AIBU?

You genuinely believe it's for women to police men's behavior and teach them consequences?

Ok

Who else is going to teach them?

Who raised them? Plenty of boy mums on here. Can't you teach your sons not to chuck things and be violent

While I don’t think it’s for women to police male behaviour I do think women don’t realise just how much “access to women” governs so much of what men do.

I do think a complete and total shunning by women, of the types of men you describe would definitely make a difference. But that will never happen so…

I called the police the first time my husband shoved me.

He changed tactics after that and resorted to horrid spiteful passive aggresive type punishments such as "accidently" breaking my stuff, "accidently" forgetting to put my suitcase in the car en route to the airport etc etc etc.

But yes OP, they should be called out at the first opportunity. Finances have A LOT to do with the amount of shit women put up with.

No, it’s not women’s job to police men or teach them anything. What I’m saying is that women have every right to walk away from aggression the moment they see it, without being told to minimise it or give endless chances. The “consequence” part is incidental, the priority is women protecting themselves, not fixing men.

It sounds like you're making women responsible for men's behaviour.

But that's too late for men who are already adults. Who's going to show them the consequences of their actions if not women?

(Also, boy mums are of course women...and you've just said it's not a woman's job to teach this...)

No I dont believe this would have any impact at all. Violent people are violent people. Despite the myth, men who are violent to women are often violent full stop, not just to women. They're thugs.

Some of course are charmers who hide it and are lovely to other people, but generally they're the same all over, to a lesser or greater degree. They're not bothered if they're dumped, they move on to the next person.

Oh, another shitty thread blaming victims of violence for not stopping the perpetrator.

Oh come on. It’s our job as humans to police each others behavior and we should all do it.

Maybe their neighbours, their colleagues, their friends, with support from the media, the government and the justice system.

It's a bit much to make victims responsible for stopping the crimes committed against them.

Bad people don’t turn into good people by being dumped. They move to the next victim.

It depends what you mean by aggression. I believe there are some couples who have essentially happy and healthy relationships but one or both of them might occasionally shout or slam a door in the heat of the moment. I think everyone, male or female, has the right to end a relationship for any reason, and it would be actively advisable if they perceive the other person's behaviour as aggressive or frightening. But I really don't think that every single isolated incident of expressing anger impulsively is a red flag. I would not be frightened if my husband shouted or slammed a door, any more than he would be if I did. We are human and we snap sometimes.

It is not the victim's job to prevent a crime being committed against them.

Absolutely all those people if they know.

But often they don't know, not at the first sign. The only person who knows at the first sign is the person it's directed at.

None of my neighbours or colleagues have ever been aggressive to me. No idea what any of them are like behind closed doors though.

I know it's majorly old hat to say, but I can't help but think that women have been a useful soft power in curbing the worst excesses of men and that a down side of newly empowered women is they often seem to behave in traditionally male empowered ways instead of forging new territory in uniquely female perspectives and it isn't helpful. ducks

That’s not what I was saying and you know it. Let’s be real though, OP is correct - the more we tolerate bad behavior the more it escalates.

It shouldn't be, but realistically it often is.

Yes, I knew some smart arse would point that out.

It's not a woman's job to police a man's behavior.

But why hold his girlfriend or wife is responsible for correcting his behavior. Why not his mother?Let's go back to the start.

It was meant ironically, but I knew some smart arse would think they were being clever and would miss that subtlety.

Edit, to say that a mother is more responsible for her son's behavior because you choose to have them and should parent them and raise them up not to be violent little shits.

An analogy. Car thieves would rather steal a car without an alarm. But if all the cars had alarms, they would steal the one without an immobiliser. If they all had that, they will… NOTHING about the cars will stop the thieves.

All that the first thrown plate does is weeds out the women with great families, wonderful self-esteem, good assertiveness, strong supports, good resources. They just move on to the next woman. The one without those things. And your OP blames her for not being the first woman.

I agree on the parent point, although I object to you repeatedly calling on mothers and not mentioning fathers. It's not solely a woman's responsibility of course.

But, some people are already grown up. Often the closest person to an adult is their partner not their parent.

But this is a website for women predominantly.

The o p said that women ie girl friends and wives should be correcting men's behavior.

So I pointed out that how about the woman who raised them is equally culpable.

If you gonna call out women for not correcting men's behavior call out the woman that raised him. Of course, fathers are equally responsible, but the op said women should correct men's behaviour.

The perpetrator is responsible, end of. Society is responsible for supporting victims and dealing with perpetrators.

Stop blaming the victims.

Men are vastly more responsible. The number one most causative thing in male violence is… male violence. Living with it, witnessing it, experiencing it.