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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish to see friend

72 replies

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:03

All summer holidays I've been doing things for my kids taking them places days out doing fun activities at home. Today I okabned to meet up with a friend and said we could all go on a day out together. My kids don't want to go but I told them we are going and that it's my turn to see my friend. We have had lots of their friends over all summer.
I don't ever go anywhere or do anything for myself.
But I feel bad. I feel selfish. I feel like the kids are going to be dragging their heels and unhappy all day. Am I selfish to use a day of summer holidays to meet my friend.

OP posts:
Almondmarcd · 06/08/2025 09:04

Of course you aren’t and you know that. I’m sure they’ll survive a single day that isn’t necessarily all about them.

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 06/08/2025 09:05

Yanbu
of course you're being selfish and your children should be on their best behaviour while you're with your friend.

Pricelessadvice · 06/08/2025 09:09

I’m not sure when or why the summer holidays became a thing where you have to do or go somewhere for the kids or entertain children every single day. Summer holidays when I was a kid was a mixture of a few fun days out, lots of playing at home and in the garden, aswell as normal stuff such as having to tag along while parents did things they needed to do- shopping, going into town to run errands, seeing a relative or friend.

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 09:10

How old are your children OP?

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 09:11

What’s the day out planned?

Overandoveradnauseum · 06/08/2025 09:16

@Pricelessadvice

Yes that's my experience of summer holidays too.

I think it's important you have this day out with your friend OP. Partly because you deserve to enjoy yourself too and partly because if you don't go because your children are a making a fuss about it then you are in danger of teaching them selfish behaviour wins the day and that you don't have valid needs and rights as well as them.

Go on your day out and enjoy it OP. And hopefully your children will enjoy it too.

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 09:21

@Agix

you don’t have children do you?

Moonnstars · 06/08/2025 09:21

I think it's fine. I am assuming friend is joining you on a child friendly trip (as you say you are having the day out together) so I don't see how this is much different to if you were taking the children out alone.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:26

We are climbing a small mountain. Something we have done before and they said they wanted to do over summer. Which is why I planned it. Maybe I could speak to them and ask if we could do something else they'd like but that would mean messaging friend to change plans and also I am trying to keep the cost down as already done an exensive day out this week. Trying to limit it to one expensive day a week and manage the rest with minimal cost.

OP posts:
TofuEater · 06/08/2025 09:31

It's really important for kids to see that their parents have lives too

PinkyFlamingo · 06/08/2025 09:32

@Agix
Parenting does not mean spending 24/7 entertaining your children. Children need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them to otherwise they will grow up to be very entitled adults.

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 09:32

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:26

We are climbing a small mountain. Something we have done before and they said they wanted to do over summer. Which is why I planned it. Maybe I could speak to them and ask if we could do something else they'd like but that would mean messaging friend to change plans and also I am trying to keep the cost down as already done an exensive day out this week. Trying to limit it to one expensive day a week and manage the rest with minimal cost.

How old are your children op?

does your friends have children too?

not sure I’d want to subject my friend to grumpy moody children

ConnieHeart · 06/08/2025 09:32

Agix
This response is batshit. Children are actually resilient and are fine experiencing different types of days out, sometimes for them, sometimes for the adults or both. If there is more than one child they can entertain themselves too. I remember back in the day, visiting my elderly grandma & sitting in her very child unfriendly flat for hours on end. But that's life, it's not all about kids all the time.
Go and enjoy your day, OP. And don't feel guilty. Adults are allowed a life too in the holidays

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:36
    1. And 6. My friend is bringing her dd. They haven't met her before.
OP posts:
Groundhogday2025 · 06/08/2025 09:36

@Agix and I don’t understand parents who treat their children as though their wants and needs are superior to everyone else’s. That’s how we get an entitled generation of selfish people who are just so used to always getting their own way and only doing what they want when they want that they can’t even hold down a job because they can’t stand to be told they need to be somewhere at a certain time, or God forbid! Follow managerial instructions. It’s a day. They’ll live and maybe even enjoy themselves.

Also just seen your update, OP. So you are getting your children off their backsides and their screens into the great outdoors doing an activity they previously said they wanted to do. Nope. Can’t understand why you are doubting your parenting here at all.

Overandoveradnauseum · 06/08/2025 09:38

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:26

We are climbing a small mountain. Something we have done before and they said they wanted to do over summer. Which is why I planned it. Maybe I could speak to them and ask if we could do something else they'd like but that would mean messaging friend to change plans and also I am trying to keep the cost down as already done an exensive day out this week. Trying to limit it to one expensive day a week and manage the rest with minimal cost.

Honestly OP do you give into your children's opinions all the time because it sounds as though they are the one's in charge and not you.
You are laying down foundations for real problems as they get older if you teach them they get to do just what they want.

Fragmentedbrain · 06/08/2025 09:39

Being made to sit through ultra boring chats between your mum and her boring pals is a childhood rite of passage they can shut it

Groundhogday2025 · 06/08/2025 09:40

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:36

    1. And 6. My friend is bringing her dd. They haven't met her before.

Not having to develop interpersonal skills on a very small scale?!? Yeah, you terrible, terrible parent. Whatever next? Getting them to do an extracurricular activity where they might have to…. Speak to people face to face! The horror! The depravity!

Nope. This is not a good enough reason for them to be trying to make you miserable.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 06/08/2025 09:40

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

The fuck? Seriously, what the hell from the OPs post told you she treats her children like lesser beings? How do you get that from any parent organising a day out that the children have previously said they want to do, just so that parent can get a bit of adult interaction? Why are parents seen as lesser beings in this case?

OP, ignore shit like this, some people are completely clueless with no children or are pulling crap like this and raising entitles brats. Have a lovely day with your friend, and given you're not throwing them into a pile of glass and are in fact doing an activity they have previously enjoyed and expressed a desire to do again, I sure your children will too.

defrazzled · 06/08/2025 09:40

A parents job is to teach children how to have a good life, and good relationships, not spoil them rotten and pander to their demands! I think you should be spending MORE time on what you want OP. It is good for them to learn to enjoy giving mum 'her day' as well as enjoying their special treats.

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 06/08/2025 09:41

All 3 of them?

How old is the daughter?

Could you at least leave the 12 year old at home?

Being dragged up a "small mountain" because that's what Mummy wants would annoy me too

defrazzled · 06/08/2025 09:42

@Agix this is no way to run a railroad! Madness.

Germanroadman · 06/08/2025 09:43

Honestly @Chickencuddle I would go a step further and I would lay out very clear behaviour expectations for your children while you have your day. I would not tolerate them not sucking up a day with a level of enthusiasm given that you have done that on many occasions for them and I would outline future consequences if they choose not to meet these expectations. It is incredibly important for children today to learn this part of give and take. Often they benefit so much from the parent giving.

MageQueen · 06/08/2025 09:43

Absolutely do it. For a start, of course you also get a say in fun things to do. As importantly, the kids will probably actually enjoy it - they're young, they don't know what they and don't like.

And ignore the poster who thinks kids opinions are the most impotant. we all do things we wouldn't necessarily have chosen as our first choices ALL THE TIME. it' san important life lesson - that you can do the thing and still have a good time, even if it wasn't what you'd have chosen.

I'm glad it's just one poster on this thread. Because that sort of attitude is why we have such entitled fuckwits as young adults.