Page 2 | Am I selfish to see friend

Chickencuddle · 2025-08-06T08:03:57+00:00

All summer holidays I've been doing things for my kids taking them places days out doing fun activities at home. Today I okabned to meet up with a friend and said we could all go on a day out together. My kids don't want to go but I told them we are going and that it's my turn to see my friend. We have had lots of their friends over all summer. I don't ever go anywhere or do anything for myself. But I feel bad. I feel selfish. I feel like the kids are going to be dragging their heels and unhappy all day. Am I selfish to use a day of summer holidays to meet my friend.

Coffeeishot · 06/08/2025 09:44

Just go on your day out. Sounds like a day in the fresh air will do them good blow some of their whinging away, you doing things for you is showing your kids that you matter and the world does not revolve around them,

Silvertulips · 06/08/2025 09:47

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either?

You’ve just described being a parent.

Branster · 06/08/2025 09:48

You don't ask them, you just tell them 'this us what we are doing today' and do it.
And anyway it sounds like a perfectly pleasant outdoor activity, you're not doing anything wrong whatsoever. It just happens the activity takes place with a friend you want to see.

R0ckandHardPlace · 06/08/2025 09:55

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

What a load of claptrap. OP shouldn’t have to martyr herself at the alter of motherhood. Children need to be taught that sometimes we all have to do things we don’t particularly like, eat food we don’t particularly love, undertake boring tasks that need doing but won’t do themselves, and make compromises for others. They’ve had days with their friends, and Mum deserves a day with hers.

BernardButlersBra · 06/08/2025 09:57

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

Maybe it's better to model taking it is turns to do what people want. Never having to do anything you don't want to do, isn't setting children up for the real world

redskydelight · 06/08/2025 09:59

I don't think you are being selfish, but in your shoes I'd prefer to see my friend without children in tow - it's nigh on impossible to have a proper catch up with a friend with children about if you're on a day out. Would you be better to invite your friend round for coffee/lunch at home when the DC might amuse themselves more?

ConnieHeart · 06/08/2025 09:59

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 06/08/2025 09:41

All 3 of them?

How old is the daughter?

Could you at least leave the 12 year old at home?

Being dragged up a "small mountain" because that's what Mummy wants would annoy me too

They wanted to do it. Much better to go walking rather than just sit around

BernardButlersBra · 06/08/2025 10:00

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 09:21

@Agix

you don’t have children do you?

Bet she does. Bets she's one of those mummy martyrs -l avoid them like the plague! They are infuriating and massively cringey. Especially when they are hating every second of whatever they have submitted themselves to, are gritting their teeth and raging inside!

ConnieHeart · 06/08/2025 10:00

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:36

1. And 6. My friend is bringing her dd. They haven't met her before.

Even better. They will probably get on fine!

Chicaontour · 06/08/2025 10:03

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

The idea is that you want to raise kids who aren't selfish arseholes. Most Kids are absolutely selfish so you have to show them that the world doesn't revolve around them 100% of the time. Mammies are real people with real feelings and have needs too. I have no problems with kids leaving 75% of the activity choices but zero chance of me raising a mini emperor. You have to remind them that you went to soft play, looked at them playing games, organising playdates, watched kids tv, ate beige good, stood outside freezing as you know they wanted it and today you want to visit your friend. Do it . That's not being a selfish parent that's being a good parent as you are educating them for the future

Enigma53 · 06/08/2025 10:08

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

What? Really? I’m mid fifties now and from an era where all the kids on the street knocked for each other, grabbed bikes ( or what ever contraption moved!) and we weren’t seen unless hungry. But, we also had to tag along with our parents to do shopping, do jobs or see our relatives. The summer wasn’t just about us!

As others have rightly pointed out, the holidays doesn’t revolve entirely around kids and they need to learn that.

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 10:09

Thanks everyone. Will see how it goes. Feel a bit better. Jyst keep thinking aww maybe they don't feel like the mountain today. Will just see.

OP posts:

Coffeeishot · 06/08/2025 10:13

BernardButlersBra · 06/08/2025 09:57

Maybe it's better to model taking it is turns to do what people want. Never having to do anything you don't want to do, isn't setting children up for the real world

Show quote history

This is what we did especially during long School holidays.

Coffeeishot · 06/08/2025 10:14

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 10:09

Thanks everyone. Will see how it goes. Feel a bit better. Jyst keep thinking aww maybe they don't feel like the mountain today. Will just see.

It doesn't matter what they feel like im assuming they are able for it once they are out they will be fine go for an ice cream or something on.the way home.

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 10:16

The seem to be coming round to the idea. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:

SJM1988 · 06/08/2025 10:17

No you aren't selfish. Children need to understand not everything is about just what they want in the holidays and as parents we can use our holiday days for something we want to do as well. I think it is all about balance.

I've had 5 days off with DS(8) so far this summer. One day we went to see my best friend who has a DD(6) and took my DD(3) out of nursery to come too. My DS was not happy about it but enjoyed himself anyway. He does actually like my BFF DD and we haven't seen them since Easter. He was more put out I took his sister with us. But I reminded him there are days he gets to himself to do what he wants, days we also have his sister with us and days we do what a parent wants.

5foot5 · 06/08/2025 10:20

Fragmentedbrain · 06/08/2025 09:39

Being made to sit through ultra boring chats between your mum and her boring pals is a childhood rite of passage they can shut it

Edited

Oh this describes my experience of growing up too. And absolutely no way can you interrupt or pester to leave. I would just drift off in to my own world until it was time to go.

As to being constantly entertained and taken on days out, no I am like @Pricelessadvice and @Overandoveradnauseum I was expected to mainly entertain myself. If I complained about being bored then DM would probably find a lovely activity for me - like dusting the living room, polishing brass, cleaning shoes or whatever. So I learned to find something to do or read to fill the days.

When my DD was school age I worked so school holidays required much forward planning for both me and DH. We managed with a combination of annual leave, holiday clubs, GPs and cooperation with friends. Ironically, even though I worked and my DM was SAHM, I probably did spend more time entertaining DD on my days off than my DM ever did with me. Even so, there were still days when she was just happily playing around the house and garden by herself while I did other things. She was never a child who needed constant entertainment.

@Agix Get a grip. It isn't treating children as lesser human beings to not behave as if they are the centre of the Universe and everything revolves around them.

RedLightGreenLiiight · 06/08/2025 10:23

Go and enjoy yourself. If the kids are well behaved, maybe you can treat them to an ice cream or let them choose what to eat for tea. I'm sure they've had days where they don't want to go to school etc, but they crack on with it anyway, this is no different.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/08/2025 10:29

Surely it does kids good to, at some point, start realising the world doesn't revolve around them?

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 10:36

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 09:36

1. And 6. My friend is bringing her dd. They haven't met her before.

In that case OP, they are showing signs of being pretty entitled and spoilt.

I can’t imagine my 10 and 12 year old kicking up a fuss about one bloomin day of seeing my friend and her kids in the summer hols, and the fact that yours are… means that I think you need to address a wider issue Op (added to which your intense guilt around it all)

Bestfootforward11 · 06/08/2025 10:38

Not selfish at all. Your kids will be absolutely fine and will likely enjoy it. And if they don’t enjoy it, that’s fine too- they will survive and and have had, and will have, many more days they will enjoy. And like many things, sometimes we don’t feel like it but when we do it, the thing ends up being pretty good.
I saw a post re sitting at the table for dinner and grown ups talking and how boring it was, and I so remember that from when i was young! And going round the supermarket was so dull. But it’s ok to be bored. I don’t think kids have to always be doing their most favourite thing and they have to be entertained all the time. How do they develop their own skills to amuse themselves, find entertainment in the every day and push through things that might not be their top choice but are actually not too bad? There needs to be balance. And here we are talking about ONE DAY. Go and have fun. You’re not being selfish at all.

rainbowstardrops · 06/08/2025 10:50

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

🙄

@Chickencuddlethe children have had a big day out already this week and have had friends over, they wouldn’t be getting a choice whether they come or not. This is what you’re doing today. End of. Far better for them to be out in the fresh air, rather than sat in front of a screen etc.
Why are you still saying you’ll see how they feel and fingers crossed that they’re coming around to the idea?! You’re the parent here!

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 06/08/2025 10:53

No i am going to take them i just have my fingers crossed they will have a great time. And that they seem good with it now.

OP posts:

minipie · 06/08/2025 11:02

I did something similar this week. DC whinged about it but were fine in the end. I won’t say the kids all got on like a house on fire because that didn’t happen. But it was all fine and they got on well enough. And it was lovely to see my friend. DC then saw their own friends the next day.

Remind your DC that at least they have each other - your friend’s DC is in a far worse position as she’ll be on her own meeting a gang of unknown siblings! Perhaps they could imagine themselves in her shoes and be welcoming.

Fundays12 · 06/08/2025 11:11

Agix · 06/08/2025 09:20

I kinda think you are if the kids don't want to go.

Would you like to be dragged along to go see someone you don't want to see, in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, with no choice to say no, and no choice about what happens in your life otherwise either? Even the things that are "for you" are all decided on and arranged by someone else... And now that person is using that as an excuse to force you along on an uncomfortable day. As if you owe them for what THEY have chosen.

Seriously, would you like it? Of course you wouldn't like it. You didn't ask for or choose any of it, and now you're being treated as unreasonable for not liking it on top (and for "not being good"!) .

Of course all this is unfair to the kids, and of course its selfish - you had them, parenting is literally an obligation and "I've parented them all summer!" is no excuse for anything. Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, and that's an obligated you accepted when you had kids. You are owed no rewards for it.

But in the absence of a father or relative (I assume) to take care of the kids doing something more comfortable for them, and you being so determined to see your friend, I suppose there is no alternative. Off merrily you go, enjoy.

But call it what it is, at least. I really don't understand parents who treat their children as lesser human beings whose feelings and opinions don't matter just as much as their parents. Not directed necessarily at you OP - you care enough to be posting about it. This is more about the replies you've gotten. At least you give enough of a shit to question yourself and think about your kids feelings... Some of the people replying blatently wouldn't.

Edited

As someone who works with kids i would say the kid's whose parents have allowed them to rule the roost and pandered to their every whim are often very demanding difficult childen. These kids often grow up to become the most entitled, spoilt adults with zero resilience for life.

Equally kids whose parents put them to the bottom of the list of priorities everytime grow up with difficulties. There is a balance and it's fine for mum to want to see her friend after days of prioritising and entertaining her kids . Her kids need to deal with this and need reminded mummy is entitled to have friends to.