To worry about a 4 year age gap for kids?

[prgnt]

I’ve got a daughter, she’ll be almost exactly 4 when her baby brother arrives.

Myself I grew up with a sister 18 months older and a brother 13 months younger, we are all super close and they are still my closest people in the whole world. I feel like that’s partly because we spent our whole childhood playing together, we weren’t too different in maturity so our games worked. Then as we grew up we went through the same life stages together and supported each other through, confided in each other more than we would in our parents or friends (or at least as much as friends).

With a 4 year difference though… she’ll be starting school when he’s starting to walk and she’ll be a teenager no longer interested in toys when he’s still very much a child. My husband has a younger sister, who is 8 years younger and whilst they get on well, it doesn’t seem particularly deep, he says because they didn’t really grow up together due to the age gap.

Can anyone who grew up with a 4yr age gap or parents of children who are 4yrs apart give me some insight on what it’s really like?

4 years and 3 months between my girls. They are 7 and 11 The little one absolutely adores the eldest and they both look out for each other.
11 year old will still help little one play with her dolls. And stuffed toys. They both love nothing more than cuddling together on the sofa.
of course now as DD heads off to secondary I expect things will change a bit but I feel they have a great bond.

My eldest has a ten year age gap with another of my DD's and once the youngest wanted to start going to festivals etc, they really bonded. They are having a joint luxury holiday for their 40/30th birthdays. My DD has a three year age gap and it's fine to seperate them and have seperate days out, so the eldest doesn't miss out. I always wanted siblings, but now realise that not all families gel, regardless of age gaps etc. One DD could be a pink princess and the other a goth (which was two of my DDs) I wouldn't worry about it.

I don't think 4 years is all that much. You can't count on a small age gap to make a stronger, lasting relationship between siblings, just as you shouldn't expect that a larger gap will always result in a more distant relationship.

Personally, I'm closer to the sibling that I have a larger age gap with. Personality and other factors make a bigger difference the older you get.

Two boys who are now 14 and 18. Have been and hope always will be the best of friends. 8 and 4 was cute. 12 and 8 no issues. 18 year old now has a part time job and drives but still loves his brother and they laugh about stuff that goes over my head. At 4 years he really really wanted a sibling. I would not worry at all. There are less than 3 years between me and both my siblings on either side and we are not close. I think age gap comes into it for some but it played no issue for my boys x

Mine are 17 and 13 now and they’ve just been playing together in the pool (on holiday), and I’ve loved hearing their shouts of laughter. They are good friends and the younger admires the older who is very kind and patient.

Theres always the comfort of not having 2 lots of nursery fees at the same time and they won’t both be at uni at the same time either

I think how they get on depends more on their personalities than the age gap.

I can't really answer specifically as there's approx 3 years between mine. Mostly they haven't got on, although that is starting to get a bit better now.

My DD was 4 years and 9 months when her little brother arrived. She loved 'helping' look after him when he was a newborn, and was so excited when he learned to walk and talk. She felt really grown up being a big sister and he adored her. I was on maternity leave for DD's Reception year which worked out really well.

Now they're 6 and 11. They still play together, although they both like time to do their own thing too. It's nice actually because although DD is off to secondary school soon and growing up fast, being with DS gives her an 'excuse' to join in with things she might otherwise consider too childish. They bicker sometimes of course, but they're very affectionate with each other and DD is very protective of DS. Even her friends dote on him.

There’s just over 5 years in me and my brother. Like you say, we were always at different stages in life until we became adults. We were never particularly close, but also into different things in terms of hobbies, different strengths and preferences for school subjects etc, but we were also never competitive with each other as a result. I still wouldn’t say we’re particularly close as adults (not helped by living several hours apart) but we definitely get on better than we ever did as kids and teens. I always think he got away with murder being the youngest and he might as well have worn a badge that said “golden child”!

Mine have a 3 year and 9 montjs gap and get on just fine

I'm looking at a 4 year gap too. Not by choice - I've had a couple of losses. Now hopefully pregnant with my rainbow baby (early days!). But I am the youngest of 3 and I'm close with my siblings - one is 6.5 years older than me and the other one 3.5 years older. Growing up, my sister and brother were close (3 year gap) and then my brother and I (3.5 year). My sister and I weren't so close because of the 6.5 year gap, but we've become closer in adulthood, and we live just round the corner from each other! A 4 year gap is nothing to worry about. It's not really close but it's not that far apart either.

Mine have a 4 year gap and even though they’re older teens now they are still really close

I have three with a 19 month and 3yr9mo age gap. My eldest (6yo) gets on better with his baby sister (1yo) than my middle child (5yo), despite the bigger age gap.

Whilst a close age gap is lovely, character also plays a huge part in how close they are. There are kids 13 months apart with nothing in common and vice versa.

5 years 9 months between my 2 girls. Eldest was fabulous when her sister was born, she was like a second Mum. When eldest became a teenager, little sister drove her nuts! Went through a time when they argued a lot but both are adults now and really close, very strong friends which is so lovely to see.

Mine are 11 and 7, with a 4y4m gap. DD started school when DS was about 8 weeks old and it was PERFECT. She got a break from her little brother and to be a big girl (very important at that age), and I got to spend some time with DS like I did with DD when she was a baby. She was also old enough to understand that sometimes I had to deal with the baby, and an excellent helper of her own accord who loved "watching" him while I went to get another nappy or whatever. She still looks after him now, gets quite anxious if she thinks he's going to hurt himself or something. DS in turn absolutely idolises her.

Sometimes it's hard. 2020 was particularly difficult, with a (just) 6yo home from school and an 18mo who wanted to be involved with and/or touch everything his sister was doing (especially her Lego)! DS gave up his nap around then as well so it was especially rough for a little while. I also know I found the very early days exhausting and overwhelming at times, even though DD was an angel and DS was a dream baby. I don't really remember much of it now, so it does pass.

But on the whole it's been great. They adore one another for the most part, and enjoy spending time together despite the squabbles. Today we went to the cinema and then DD spent some time in her room, then after dinner they played an imaginary game in the living room (DH and I stayed away!) which sounded nonsensical to us but they were laughing their heads off and having a fantastic time. DD has always been very good at adapting games so they can both enjoy it, and DS will do pretty much anything if it means she'll play with him, so it usually works out!

I have a 12 and a 16 year old girls, they’ve always played and got on well. The only awkward stage I found was when oldest was 12 and no longer really interested in soft play, I struggled to find something easy to do they’d both enjoy. That said we always found something to do to keep them both happy.
It was also quite nice as well because when youngest was born the oldest had just started nursery at school so you get a nice bit of time to focus on the baby and then focus on the eldest more when they were home from school

My daughters are 4.5 years apart.
I may not be the most accurate representation of the gap as my eldest has mild ASD and is quite young/playful for her age which helps lessen the gap and they play alot together fairly on a level, but also means it can be like having two much closer in age as they bicker and argue like two toddlers.

The pluses are that eldest is old enough to really share in the excitement, joy and preparation around the baby during pregnancy and beyond, is able to wait for their needs to be met more (even if they don't like it!) And needs less supervision (eg; can play upstairs whilst your downstairs feeding baby, can stand on pavement whilst you put baby in car, etc) also they can use the toilet themselves, and don't need a pushchair.
I think I would have really struggled with a smaller gap splitting my attention between a toddler and a baby, and the practical demands.

Me and my brother are 22 months apart, 2 school years, we aren’t close at all. Age gap isn’t the only factor in closeness.

I have a 4 week (& one week) gap. I wasn’t sure if i wanted another after dd was born. Always imaged a couple with 2-3 year gap as i have one sister i haven’t seen in years as we don’t get on and have a 6 year age gap & growing up i hated it and had to share a room as well. I didn’t want to ttc before my daughter was 3 - was on the fence about trying but we’ve no family around and worried should anything happen to us she’d be all alone so went for it. Knowing it would be a 4-5 year gap did make us on the fence all the more but i fell pregnant right away hence the 4 year gap and had twins! I was glad she was older when they came along but now they are older (12 & 8) i would probably have a 3 year gap if i could go back and change it!

I think closeness is more about the personalities of the children, and how they are treated by their parents, than about the gap.

But also four years isn’t a huge gap.

I have 3 yrs 11 months if we're being picky between me and my brother the same for my DH and his brother. Never thought of it as a big age gap at all.

Agree with this. I am the eldest of 3. My first sibling is 18m younger than me and the second is 6 years younger. I am much closer to the youngest sibling as an adult, our personalities are similar. I’ve never got on with the sibling closer in age.

I have 3, each has 2 years between them and the next one. By far the closest are the youngest and eldest, despite their 4 year age gap!

Me and my brother are 4 years apart, I was already in nursery when he was first born (and gave him chicken pox at 6 weeks, over Christmas!), and by the time he started nursery I was in Year 3. He had a few years of primary school when I was in secondary and he started secondary school when I was in Year 11. I don't recall a lot about how involved I was when he was born, but it was probably easier on my Mum that I was out of nappies and wasn't using the cot or buggy. I did find him annoying when he did things like reading my diary or pestering me when my friends came over, but on the whole we got on.

Apparently it's a natural gap in hunter gatherer societies as the older child can walk without needing to be carried.

I have a 3 year 9 month gap between my sister and I and between my own children, it seems to work well!

On mat leave and I've met loads of people with a similar gap. Not everyone has 2 under 2.

Not a 4yr gap but we are siblings who were the following ages
9 (f), 7 (m), 5(f me) and 0(f).
I was never close with my brother but very close to my younger sister when we were kids. As we grew up she was always super protected by all of us. Even now , as adults, we are still very close x