To worry about a 4 year age gap for kids?

[prgnt]

I’ve got a daughter, she’ll be almost exactly 4 when her baby brother arrives.

Myself I grew up with a sister 18 months older and a brother 13 months younger, we are all super close and they are still my closest people in the whole world. I feel like that’s partly because we spent our whole childhood playing together, we weren’t too different in maturity so our games worked. Then as we grew up we went through the same life stages together and supported each other through, confided in each other more than we would in our parents or friends (or at least as much as friends).

With a 4 year difference though… she’ll be starting school when he’s starting to walk and she’ll be a teenager no longer interested in toys when he’s still very much a child. My husband has a younger sister, who is 8 years younger and whilst they get on well, it doesn’t seem particularly deep, he says because they didn’t really grow up together due to the age gap.

Can anyone who grew up with a 4yr age gap or parents of children who are 4yrs apart give me some insight on what it’s really like?

My brother is 4y4m older than me and was always my best friend, hugely kind to me, we had loads of fun together as kids. We're still incredibly close friends now – he and I were flatmates for 8 years in our 20s/30s.

Are you completely insane? There must be hundreds of thousands of people in the country with a greater than 4 year age gap with one or more of their siblings, it doesn’t mean they can’t be close.

If anything, it’s probably easier, lower potential for competition and jealousy issues.

I have 4.8 between mine they are now adults and get on great proper friends. Growing up we had peaks and troughs the worst bit was when dd1 was a young teen and dd2 was just "annoying " but we got through it.

My friend had 2ish years between her 4 children and they don't get on i remember them all as young kids just constantly fighting!

4 years between my younger sister & me. I mostly wanted nothing to do with her when we were kids but now we’re really close, go on holiday together & have seen each other through all kinds of shit.

I recently had some training from an expert on attachment theory, she said 4 years is the ideal gap attachment wise as the brain and nervous system are pretty much fully formed by 4 and they are less reliant on their significant adult(s). I have a smaller gap but in hindsight wish I had gone for 4. My DC1 is now 4 and I can see how much having a sibling at 2 affected her and our relationship, I think we both would have been much more ready at this point. Plus I love the baby / toddler years so could really have enjoyed each of them that way rather than having to divide my attention between them and racing through it all.

Totally forgot to add, there's 10 years between my DS and I and another 5 years between her and our DB and we all get on well too.

My mum was the eldest of 5 with 13 years between her & her youngest sibling. She got on well with all of them except the next eldest sister who was 2 years younger than her - they couldn’t stand each other & it was made worse by them having to share a room. The relationship never improved.

At the other end though, the two youngest had the same 2-year gap, also shared & were best mates.

I currently have the gap you describe where ‘one is about to start school and the other is learning to walk’.

The biggest problem is just a practical level where I have to keep an eye on what they are both doing while I try and cook dinner, or that they want to go to completely different areas of the playground or soft play because of their different physical abilities. But I know this will pass eventually as the younger one gets a bit older and i’m not worried.

My DH has 2 siblings all have a 3yr age gap (he's youngest) I have 2 siblings with an 11 & 15 yr gap (I'm oldest) My DH rarely sees or speaks to his. No falling out etc just not close. My siblings & I are close, talk, visit often.

4 year age gap here and I adore it

I had irreplaceable one on one time with DC1 and they were at the perfect age to accept their sibling when she came along.

No jealousy, lovely sharing, they adore each other

I've got a twin, a sibling 6 years older and a sibling 11 years older
I'm closest to the one that is 6 years older

My sisters are 7 and 8 years older than me, so were always at different life stages (by the time I was in secondary school, they were going to uni). We weren't that close as children (I don't know how they got on with each other when they were younger), but are closer as adults.

There is no ideal gap, and every family is different.

It worked perfectly for my friend. They are apart enough not to be in competition but close enough to be friends. I think it all depends on the personalities involved and how you manage the relationship. Definitely put a baby gate on the four year old's bedroom door so she can get away from a toddler and her stuff is safe.

Four years between my brother and I. We didn’t gel as kids but I think that was down to personality difference rather than age gap. Once we were both old enough to go out drinking/socialising, we really clicked and are now great friends as adults.

two of my closest friends are very close with their siblings who have large age gaps (7 years and 8 years). I think personality matters more.

I have the same gap, older girl younger boy, they adore each other and are very very similar in personality. Yeah they might not be close as adults but so what? That doesn’t stop the benefit and joy they have here and now, which is equally as valuable.

I wouldn't worry about it. My sister and I are two years apart, which was the recommendation at the time. We are middle aged now and I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.
Personality will win over age gap

My sister and I have 3.5 years between us, which has always meant different schools, different clubs etc during childhood but we still spent loads of time together. Less so when the older of us was a teenager, but it wasn’t a problem.

My kids have 4 years between oldest and middle and 5.5 years between middle and youngest. They’re all under 15 at the moment and they all play together in various combinations. The oldest isn’t too old to fly aeroplanes around the garden, play football or build Lego, and the middle/youngest both enjoy those things too. The oldest taught the youngest to ride his bike and they bake together. The middle child can still find fun in a sand/water park moving and shifting sand with the youngest.

They’re all close in their own ways despite the differences in age. While I’m sure there’ll be times when they spend less time together, childhood has definitely been a shared experience!