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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about a 4 year age gap for kids?

66 replies

prgnt · 04/08/2025 22:01

I’ve got a daughter, she’ll be almost exactly 4 when her baby brother arrives.

Myself I grew up with a sister 18 months older and a brother 13 months younger, we are all super close and they are still my closest people in the whole world. I feel like that’s partly because we spent our whole childhood playing together, we weren’t too different in maturity so our games worked. Then as we grew up we went through the same life stages together and supported each other through, confided in each other more than we would in our parents or friends (or at least as much as friends).

With a 4 year difference though… she’ll be starting school when he’s starting to walk and she’ll be a teenager no longer interested in toys when he’s still very much a child. My husband has a younger sister, who is 8 years younger and whilst they get on well, it doesn’t seem particularly deep, he says because they didn’t really grow up together due to the age gap.

Can anyone who grew up with a 4yr age gap or parents of children who are 4yrs apart give me some insight on what it’s really like?

OP posts:
LillyPJ · 04/08/2025 23:27

My sons are 4 years apart. They've always got on brilliantly. My brothers, who were 2 years apart, were always fighting but my sons never have. Honestly, I've never even known them to argue! They are 38 and 42 now and still get on really well. Perhaps it helps that they are quite different personalities (one's quiet and introvert, the other's loud and extrovert) but being 4 years apart has never been a problem.

Eenameenadeeka · 05/08/2025 06:08

I think it will be lovely! Our age gaps are 3 years, 5 years and then 2 years. My daughter is 5 years older than one of her brothers and she just adores him and has done from birth. The 2 year age gap is nice for shared interests but when they are really little it is challenging, they both need more support sometimes both want to be carried at the same time or want the same toy etc. Whereas your daughter will understand that the baby is littler than her and probably want to help you. I'm sure it will be lovely for you all

Iftheressomethingstrange · 05/08/2025 06:17

My dc have a 4 year gap. It has worked very well. Dc1 off to school meant she had her own thing to be proud of and gave me one to one time with dc2. They play very well together and are very close. Like a pp not sure what will happen when dc1 goes to secondary but I'm hoping they'll keep their close bond. The nicest thing is it keeps dc1 a bit younger at heart. Still playing with toys with dc2 rather than tiktok!

NewDogOwner · 05/08/2025 06:35

We have a 4-5 gap between all my sibilings and the truth is the gap is too big to be proper friends growing up. One might look after the other/s but not play like friends. There was always a baby who needed mum's attention which was difficult. I am very close with the sibling closest in age to me from age 22 onwards and I love it now but it was mostly negative growing up.

UninterestedBeing12 · 05/08/2025 06:51

16 mobth gap between my sister and me.

She was a bully my entire childhood. Utterly relentless. I spent an entire young childhood trying to make her like me and be nice to me. Then when I was a teenager because she had never been nice to me, I began to get aggressive back towards her.

So then we fought constantly as adolescence, and that hasn't changed into adulthood. We now have absolutely zero in common, we don't like each other.We've never liked each other.And I don't speak to her any more. I couldn't care less if I never saw her again for the rest of my life. Having a relationship with her is not worth it.

You see so many threads with people saying the age gap is this that and whatnot thinking it won't be exactly like their childhood.Therefore it won't be ideal.

Do you honestly think that your children are going to replicate your entire childhood and be exactly the same as you and your siblings were with each other? It's so weird. Worried about the age gap.Don't have the extra child then.

minimonkey11 · 05/08/2025 17:59

Mine are 14 (boy) and 10 (girl). They get on ok but not besties…. Me and my brother are 18 mths apart and have nothing in common. You can never tell really!!

aliboss · 05/08/2025 18:11

Congratulations OP on your rainbow baby! Please try not to worry. Mine are a full five years apart as my middle son died of leukaemia at 14 months. There were all kinds of issues of jealousy and grief in the early years. But now they are 23 and 18 and very different people but also very important to each other. In the growing up years I think I had it easy, they never wanted the same toy at the same time etc. Good luck with everything and you will be A OK, just lots of love and attention for them both and that will do it. xx

Tiswa · 05/08/2025 18:14

I like my slightly smaller than yours age gap (girl 16 boy 12) it has enabled them to have their own interests and do things separately but also have a good relationship and they really do.

probably also helps they look like twins (DS is tall and DD short!) and can sometimes act like it too (DS can be grown up for his age) but also quite happy to play the baby brother card

mambojambodothetango · 05/08/2025 18:17

I have 2 DS, 4 and a half years between them. It's brilliant. It's enough of a gap that there's very little jealousy. Small one knows he can't have the same bed time, pocket money, freedom etc as his brother. Older one is helpful when younger one needs something. Older one was starting school when younger one born so I got the newborn weeks and months without older one being around in the day. They crossed over at primary school for 3 years but are happily independent. They get on pretty well - the odd squabble but not much.

mambojambodothetango · 05/08/2025 18:19

aliboss · 05/08/2025 18:11

Congratulations OP on your rainbow baby! Please try not to worry. Mine are a full five years apart as my middle son died of leukaemia at 14 months. There were all kinds of issues of jealousy and grief in the early years. But now they are 23 and 18 and very different people but also very important to each other. In the growing up years I think I had it easy, they never wanted the same toy at the same time etc. Good luck with everything and you will be A OK, just lots of love and attention for them both and that will do it. xx

Gosh, so sorry for your loss.

mambojambodothetango · 05/08/2025 18:21

Oh and I have 4.5 years between my brother and me. We weren't close growing up but are very close as adults. Remember they have the relationship their whole lives, not just when they are small and living with you.

BridgetRandomfuck · 05/08/2025 18:25

There’s four years between my sister and me, we’ve always been very close. It was slightly tricky when I was 10-12 and she was 14-16 as she found me pretty annoying (I probably was to be fair! Wanting to borrow clothes etc), but that went away as we got older. I would go and stay with her at uni, we’ve been on holiday together plenty of times. I think it depends more on personalities, my friend’s sister is 18 months younger and they’ve never got on, like chalk and cheese.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 05/08/2025 18:30

My boys are 7 years apart. Was great not to have to faff with double buggies or toddler when dealing with baby. I experienced that with my sister’s children who are only 2 years apart.

WimbyAce · 05/08/2025 18:40

We have 5 years between our girls. Was actually great as eldest was at school so I had time with baby. She was also a good help for me. They get on really well most of the time and play together etc. I like it as I have 2 children in different stages, eldest is 10 but I still have a little one to enjoy.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 05/08/2025 18:50

I think this is much more about personality than it is age when it comes to siblings.

Kinneddar · 05/08/2025 18:57

3 years 11 months between me & my brother. We've always been close. We'd play together when we weren't allowed out to play or were on holiday

One big advantage is youll have an extra pair of hands for 'helping' i remember when my brother was a baby absolutely loving helping Mum. Anything she needed from another room - i was in it. Take advantage of the age gap 😉

Now were adults were still very close

Bitzee · 05/08/2025 19:01

Mine are 3 years 8 months apart but 4 school years and I think it’s a great age gap. They play together a lot but rarely squabble. Eldest is a big help.

TaterTots68 · 05/08/2025 19:14

4 years between my 2, they have always had a brilliant relationship (DD and DS), had the occasional falling out as siblings do, but are very close. When DD's house share moved out, DS moved in with her and they have lived very happily as housemates for over a year. So yes, a 4 year ago gap can work 🙂

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 05/08/2025 19:25

There's a 4 year age gap between DS1 and DS2, they're really close. They're now nearly 18 and nearly 14.

Catpolitics · 05/08/2025 19:32

I think that’s a close gap! Mine are 6 years apart. Best of friends and it’s great

CandidRaven · 05/08/2025 19:34

Not that big of a deal, there is 5 years between my oldest and second child, 3 years between 2nd and 3rd and 7 years between 3rd and 4th, which means my oldest was 15 years old when my baby was born who is now 12 months old, there hasn't been any issues with the age differences

Craftyrose · 05/08/2025 21:05

I have a 4 year age gap between my girls. They are the best of friends! My oldest is now 14 and youngest is 10. They still play happily together, sometimes with youngest's toys, sometimes hanging out listening to music together.

tulippa · 05/08/2025 21:08

There are four school years between my DC and it works well for us. It wasn't hugely intentional but it took until DD was three before I could even start to contemplate going through childbirth again.
I read somewhere that a four year age gap between an older sister and younger brother is the set up most likely for siblings to get on due to lack of competitiveness. DCs are 20 and 16 and have always got on well and been close and still go on days out together.
On the practical side DD will have finished uni before DS starts so that spreads financial outlay out a bit. Also all of DDs exams were done before DS started his GCSEs which made things less stressful and we could offer full support.
So, yeah, it works for us.

NachoChip · 05/08/2025 21:10

All about the individuals and nothing to do with the age gap, I suspect your DH and his sibling just aren't as compatible.

My sibling and I have an 8 year age gap. When we were younger I looked after her, in adulthood we're absolutely the best of friends, couldn't be closer.

RentRaft · 05/08/2025 21:10

My DH has 2 brothers - 1 is less than 18 months younger and one over a decade younger. He gets on really well with the 10 year gap and not at all with the closer in age one.

We have DC 4 yrs apart and they play together all the time. I found the gap really good as we had a structure to our day of drop off and pick up at school etc for the bigger one but also I could do baby focussed stuff (or lie on the sofa eating biscuits) too. My 2 under 2 gap was awful! (Though they get on really well too).