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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think husband knows I saw messages..

55 replies

Pammela · 03/08/2025 19:18

I have seen, over the last few months, some messages rhat my husband has sent to friends about a female co worker. They basically consist of hun showing off about flirting with her, ‘joking’ with her that they should go on a date and such like.
he again ‘joked’ that he kept doing it become he liked ‘difficult’ things..seems his friends just went along with it..
I mentioned some colleagues who had recently started dating and how a married colleague and been joking about dating someone at work (I probably exaggerated this slightly) and said how I thought it was inappropriate. He didn’t say much.
He later came to check if I’d been on his computer at all that day..this is where I have seen the messages before- it often just has the screen left up. I said no, but he has been very off with me ever since. Barely speaking to me and has changed (I think) settings on his computer. He’s definitely annoyed and he realises I may have linked my colleagues situation to his ‘banter’, but he obviously isn’t able to admit to any of it. And I feel like this has been a reasonable heads up.

Although I assume he’ll never leave the screen up again…so I’ll never know. He wasn’t too secretive before, or was stupid, so I really don’t think there’s anything sinister but I found it very disrespectful.

Should I just have left it and not used the opportunity as a way to make a point? Kind of feel it maybe wasn’t worth the silent treatment now!

OP posts:
elwx · 03/08/2025 19:23

The cheek of him to be giving YOU the silent treatment because of his actionsConfused

You were well within your rights to bring it up, his reaction just shows that he knows he shouldn’t be doing it. He’s probably embarrassed that he’s been caught but is taking that out on you

YodasHairyButt · 03/08/2025 19:25

Let him sulk. I’d also enjoy letting him
wonder if you have actually seen anything or if it’s just a remarkable coincidence.

Original poster
Pammela · 03/08/2025 20:00

Yes, thanks. I think he feels like his messaged have been snooped on, which may be a fair feeling but if there was nothing of note there then it shouldn’t really matter.

I hope he’s feeling embarrassed that he did this, but I doubt it. I imagine he is feeling hard done by.

I’m more annoyed his friends didn’t call him out on it because I actually know them quite well and surely it’s fairly evident that it’s inappropriate! So I’m feeling embarrassed too, to be honest.

OP posts:
Batherssss · 03/08/2025 20:06

He's a sleazy creep OP and now you know.
His friends know too.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
Every office has a couple of his type.

Betsy95 · 03/08/2025 20:11

At the end of the day his behaviour isn’t appropriate

Im sure he wouldn’t have thought it was okay if you had done this with one of your colleagues.

Okay you snooped at his messages … however if he’s your husband then there shouldn’t be any messages or behaviours he wouldn’t want you to see or would let you down.

Are you going to tell him you’ve seen them?
I personally would ask what on he thinks he’s doing.

And maybe remind him that’s he’s supposed to be in a committed relationship and whilst he’s flirting etc with someone else he needs to remember that and that you may well have other offers but presumably wouldn’t accept them or engage in the same inappropriate behaviour.

elwx · 03/08/2025 20:15

Pammela · 03/08/2025 20:00

Yes, thanks. I think he feels like his messaged have been snooped on, which may be a fair feeling but if there was nothing of note there then it shouldn’t really matter.

I hope he’s feeling embarrassed that he did this, but I doubt it. I imagine he is feeling hard done by.

I’m more annoyed his friends didn’t call him out on it because I actually know them quite well and surely it’s fairly evident that it’s inappropriate! So I’m feeling embarrassed too, to be honest.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. His poor behaviour (and his friends not calling him out) is not a reflection on you or your worth. But it says a lot about them! Flowers

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/08/2025 20:22

I think if you’re going to snoop, and you find something you don’t like, you bring it up openly and have an adult conversation about it. I’d be pissed off if someone made up a story that related to something they’d seen about me but didn’t have the whatever to just ask me about it.

Original poster
Pammela · 03/08/2025 20:39

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/08/2025 20:22

I think if you’re going to snoop, and you find something you don’t like, you bring it up openly and have an adult conversation about it. I’d be pissed off if someone made up a story that related to something they’d seen about me but didn’t have the whatever to just ask me about it.

It wasn’t a made up story though..

I knew he was flirting a bit but I thought he would get bored. But he’s still at it.

He also can not have adult conversations. He would get angry and it would absolutely end up being me at blame for snooping and ‘over reacting’
So I was hoping this might be enough for him to realise that it’s not worth it. He is obviously upset about the snooping, but not upset enough to actually bring it up and admit to what he’s been up to. So I’ll enjoy him wondering tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pammela · 05/08/2025 19:01

I’m updating for my sanity! Husband is still in a sulk..he’ll talk to me when I initiate it, but very short and to the point. He hasn’t been on any messaging sites on his computer, so I think he knows I must’ve seen this.

I asked him what was wrong and he just keeps saying ‘nothing’.

Im going to take the kids out for the day tomorrow and have just been trying to behave normally to avoid being at the mercy of his mood.

He definitely seems to think he’s in the right to be annoyed at me! Hoping it fizzles out soon and my point has been made, even though it feels like it’s been at quite a big cost for our home’s atmosphere!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/08/2025 19:10

The silent treatment is abusive. I would tell him the truth: you saw his messages, you’re really disappointed and it’s unfair for him to punish you for his shitty behaviour. What do you have to lose?

YodasHairyButt · 05/08/2025 19:14

Cherrysoup · 05/08/2025 19:10

The silent treatment is abusive. I would tell him the truth: you saw his messages, you’re really disappointed and it’s unfair for him to punish you for his shitty behaviour. What do you have to lose?

I agree. Call him out on it.

BreadInCaptivity · 05/08/2025 19:23

Personally I’d just have it out with him.

His laptop was open and he was sending inappropriate messages.

He should be apologising not sulking.

Ask him what he would have done in reverse? Would those messages be acceptable if you’d sent them?

Taking the “moral high ground” about his privacy is a bit bloody rich.

My DH has access to my phone, tablet and vice versa. We have nothing to hide from each other.

My work laptop is locked down as I access private/confidential data and I lock it even if I leave it for a moment. But I’d never be so foolish as to use it as your H has.

Does he realise that he’s highly likely to be in breech of his employment contract using his laptop in this way? Furthermore if his female colleague made a complaint about him (and she may not reciprocate his banter) then talking about her in this way to friends would be considered sexual harassment and he could fired?

Stop indulging him. Put the kids to bed then read him the riot act an point out that right now he’s lucky to have a wife to sulk at because he’s heading towards having an ex wife and an ex job.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 05/08/2025 19:35

I agree with others, you need to stop tiptoeing around him and bring it all out in the open.

Aria2015 · 05/08/2025 19:39

Look, he's treating you shittily anyway, you don't have anything to lose by just being open. Tell him you saw his messages, they're totally inappropriate and that he better knock it on the head, or you'll be forced to make some hard decisions. Tell him his bad attitude is just making it worse and making you more annoyed, so he better snap out of it asap. Take some power back op! In a situation like this, he should be worried about your reaction, not the other way around!!

Original poster
Pammela · 05/08/2025 20:11

You’re all correct and I can see how effective this sulking is! It definitely makes me question if I’m over reacting but I know that I’m not!

I think his friends going along with listening to his stories has made him think that it’s fine.

This wasn’t on a work laptop, just on a pc he uses at home and was via social media. I only saw because he messaged his friends almost bragging about it. From what I can see she was the one not playing along. He describes it as ‘harmless flirting’ to his friends.. he has been wfh for the past few weeks and I’m confident this is an ego stroke for him.

But you’re all totally correct. I shouldn’t be worrying about his feelings when he’s been caught out like this.

OP posts:
mommatoone · 05/08/2025 20:43

OP - you have done well keeping this to yourself! I couldn't keep my gob shut. If he carries on, I'd slowly drop in ' if your sulking because I've seen your messages , you can wind your neck in sunshine ' or words to that effect! 🤣Then let him stew on it

Disturbia81 · 05/08/2025 21:24

He’s awful for doing it in the first place and awful for giving YOU the silent treatment. Men with their constant need for other female attention..

Original poster
Pammela · 09/08/2025 15:21

So I confronted him and said he had to talk to me. He basically says he has lost trust in me, that I’ve been snooping on him and must’ve had to scroll to see messages etc. He says he is over it all and that he’s had enough. He didn’t even comment or acknowledge anything about the content of the messages.
He has since continued not to talk to me and is v angry even though I have told him I saw it as it was left open. He is claiming he can prove my snooping etc which just isn’t true.

I’m going to have to bring it up again and suggest we speak to someone but I’m very upset and scared for our family.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 09/08/2025 15:25

A married man "joking" about having an affair with a colleague is FAR, FAR worse than you checking his phone. You are supposedly in a lifelong, committed relationship with this man and he has the gall to make you feel bad for noticing his deeply inappropriate behaviour? You are being gaslit.

Your marriage has problems, not the least of which is that your secretive, emotionally abusive husband has a wandering eye.

fthisfthatfeverything · 09/08/2025 15:32

He’s deflecting
he’s in the wrong.

Pomegranatecarnage · 09/08/2025 15:45

He’s abusive. He’s in the wrong and trying to blame you. He sounds horrible.

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2025 15:51

So he’s throwing his toys out of the pram because you’ve found out what a sleazeball he is? Tell him to fuck off and engage his braincell if he’s stupid enough to leave his laptop open when he’s acting like a dick.

lonelynewname · 09/08/2025 15:55

Hes just punishing you because you found him out. He has no intention of leaving you but this man is an abusive POS and what you need to be scared of is a future with him.

DeedlessIndeed · 09/08/2025 15:57

OP, I hope you gave him a bit of an earful about the content of the messages? What is his excuse?

If he wants to have it out, fine. Agreed - everyone deserves privacy, and snooping is categorically wrong. Admit it and apologize.

However he needs to also own up to the fact that he was acting in a highly inappropriate and disrespectful way. If he can't acknowledge that then I'd be making sure he knew how that made him look like a weak charactered, little man who cannot own up to his own short-comings.

ThatBlackCat · 09/08/2025 15:59

He is the one doing wrong, he has no right to blame you, if anything you are the one who should be giving him the silent treatment.

For him to joke about it then seem to think he isn't doing anything wrong suggests he is planning to have an affair or wants to. Otherwise he wouldn't be flirting and bragging. He's scum. I'd tell him to move out and think about what he really wants, because you have done nothing but love him and raise his children and support him, and you deserve respect. And, he either agrees to marriage counselling, or it's over. Because you will be living the rest of your life wondering where he is when he's out, who he's talking to. That is no life to live and you don't deserve that.