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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think husband knows I saw messages..

55 replies

Pammela · 03/08/2025 19:18

I have seen, over the last few months, some messages rhat my husband has sent to friends about a female co worker. They basically consist of hun showing off about flirting with her, ‘joking’ with her that they should go on a date and such like.
he again ‘joked’ that he kept doing it become he liked ‘difficult’ things..seems his friends just went along with it..
I mentioned some colleagues who had recently started dating and how a married colleague and been joking about dating someone at work (I probably exaggerated this slightly) and said how I thought it was inappropriate. He didn’t say much.
He later came to check if I’d been on his computer at all that day..this is where I have seen the messages before- it often just has the screen left up. I said no, but he has been very off with me ever since. Barely speaking to me and has changed (I think) settings on his computer. He’s definitely annoyed and he realises I may have linked my colleagues situation to his ‘banter’, but he obviously isn’t able to admit to any of it. And I feel like this has been a reasonable heads up.

Although I assume he’ll never leave the screen up again…so I’ll never know. He wasn’t too secretive before, or was stupid, so I really don’t think there’s anything sinister but I found it very disrespectful.

Should I just have left it and not used the opportunity as a way to make a point? Kind of feel it maybe wasn’t worth the silent treatment now!

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 09/08/2025 16:16

I think the boot is on the other foot, it's you who have had your confidence in him dented. He has been talking about flirting with another woman to his friends, but that's OK, whereas you more or less accidentally becoming aware of this has made him lose confidence in you. Where would that flirting lead if she were willing or is eventually won over by his charm. Talk about gaslighting! I'm thinking about cheating, but you finding out is a much worse crime. I bet if you rang up a friend when he can overhear and told them quietly how much you fancy the postman (neighbour or whoever) and that you have been flirting with them, with a bit of giggling and whispering and see who he thinks is in the wrong when he hears that. And I bet it's not him for eavesdropping.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/08/2025 16:18

Jeezo op, do not let him try and convince you you were in the wrong here! He’s pissed off he got caught, not sorry he did it! You need to read him the fuckin riot act, nothing less or he’ll be doing it again…

Hankunamatata · 09/08/2025 16:23

So he is going for the old- the best form of defense is attack and make it your fault so you question your own actions.

Hankunamatata · 09/08/2025 16:26

He's trying so you end up in tears and apologising. He is trying to flip it to make it abut u

Jan168 · 09/08/2025 16:36

He sounds absolutely vile OP. I don't even know what to say, I'm sorry. Of course you going to snoop when messages pop up about him flirting with another woman. He sounds like a complete narcissist arsehole.

Gemmawemma9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

OP, he is gaslighting you. His behaviour is disrespectful at best, at worst he was seeking an affair. This is not ok. He’s gaslighting you into feeling like you behaved badly by snooping- this is not true. You seen to be panicking over his reaction and scared of his behaviour and mood. Please consider speaking to someone by yourself instead of couples therapy-I say that kindly, i feel you will really benefit from it. Take care x

ginasevern · 09/08/2025 16:46

Yeah, men are the masters of deflection. They'll turn anything on us and try to convince us that we're evil, deranged bitches for even questioning them. Even if they're literally caught with their pants down shagging the nextdoor neighbour. It's partly because they honestly think we're stupid and partly because they really believe it's their birth right to do as they please. I'd ask him when he's leaving to set up home with the female colleague because you need to discuss the split of assets/childcare as a matter of urgency.

Branleuse · 09/08/2025 16:51

Tell him that his reaction to this and the way hes deflecting , has made your decision much easier for you, and he needs to pack his crap up and fuck off

usersame · 09/08/2025 16:51

So your reaction to finding inappropriate messages on his computer is to second-guess yourself and to feel responsible for his mood. My god OP, he has you gaslighted in the extreme.

usersame · 09/08/2025 16:52

So your reaction to finding inappropriate messages on his computer is to second-guess yourself and to feel responsible for his mood. My god OP, he has you gaslighted in the extreme.

Anyahyacinth · 09/08/2025 16:53

Risking his employment, thinking you can be "snooped on" in a marriage...what a creep. Then trying to silence you with unpleasant behaviour ..he really centres himself doesn't he? Sorry OP you deserve better 💐

BunnyLake · 09/08/2025 16:53

I’d be poking the bear, but that’s me. I’d ‘innocently’ bring the subject up again, asking him what he thought about your married colleague’s comments and what were his views on married people flirting with others etc. I’d be saying how opposed I was and thankful that neither of us were like it because we wouldn’t want to jeopardise our marriage etc.

JLou08 · 09/08/2025 16:57

He hasn't been joking, he has been trying to start a relationship with another woman. He probably wasn't secretive before because he sees you as stupid and naive so knows he will get away with anything.

BunnyLake · 09/08/2025 16:57

Pammela · 09/08/2025 15:21

So I confronted him and said he had to talk to me. He basically says he has lost trust in me, that I’ve been snooping on him and must’ve had to scroll to see messages etc. He says he is over it all and that he’s had enough. He didn’t even comment or acknowledge anything about the content of the messages.
He has since continued not to talk to me and is v angry even though I have told him I saw it as it was left open. He is claiming he can prove my snooping etc which just isn’t true.

I’m going to have to bring it up again and suggest we speak to someone but I’m very upset and scared for our family.

God I’d tell him to pack his bags then if he’s had enough! He’s really got you thinking you’re in the wrong (you’re not!).

thestudio · 09/08/2025 17:00

Like other sleazy creeps/adulterers who haven't yet been successful, he doesn't get to play the 'snooped on' victim.

Kitkatkaboodle · 09/08/2025 17:04

If the flirting is unwanted it is sexual harassment.

your dh sounds like an unpleasant bully / misogynist. I’m so sorry op.

Agapornis · 09/08/2025 17:07

He's DARVOing - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Pathetic.

Your family (kids & you) have nothing to fear - you'll be better off without him.

Coconutter24 · 09/08/2025 17:10

Pammela · 03/08/2025 20:00

Yes, thanks. I think he feels like his messaged have been snooped on, which may be a fair feeling but if there was nothing of note there then it shouldn’t really matter.

I hope he’s feeling embarrassed that he did this, but I doubt it. I imagine he is feeling hard done by.

I’m more annoyed his friends didn’t call him out on it because I actually know them quite well and surely it’s fairly evident that it’s inappropriate! So I’m feeling embarrassed too, to be honest.

You’re annoyed with his friends??! You should be annoyed with him!!

MummaMummaMumma · 09/08/2025 17:11

You've done nothing wrong. He has! Don't let him trick you into thinking it's you. It's all on him.

Bestfootforward11 · 09/08/2025 17:27

He s cracking me up! He’s angry with you??? And I’m sure he’d be completely ok with you doing what he’d been doing with a co-worker. I think the issue is not just the fact of what he was messaging but how he’s dealing with it now. He’s sulking. He’s trying to turn things back on you. These are the acts of a teenager rather than a grown man with a family. You must stand strong here. His responses are sheer nonsense and do not let him tell you otherwise. He’s trying to make it sounds like he holds all the cards here, that he’s ’had enough’ and somehow you are in the wrong. You have power here and can make choices too.

Original poster
Pammela · 09/08/2025 17:39

Thanks for the messages. His silent treatment is making me question myself tbh..
He is saying I must’ve been snooping for months and then deleting the history. But he had the tab open all the time so I’m not sure why I’d even need to do that, if I had. He says he has proof of me doing it but, again, I don’t think this is possible as he was on it so often. And it’s not true.

I admitted I saw it a while ago and the recent stories from work reminded me. I admitted I shouldn’t have read it but the contents were obviously out of order and of course I then read them. He didn’t care. He’s obsessed with the idea I’ve been checking non stop.

I have emailed some marriage counsellors and will let him know about this tomorrow but I am worried about his reaction if I’m honest. And I’m worried that if he doesn’t change perspective then there’s not many options left..

OP posts:
Bobbedhairdontcare · 09/08/2025 17:40

Please get rid now. This is exactly what my exh did to me. I would find something out about him ie lying or cheating and he would somehow turn it round on me, ignore me for days. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown at one point until I woke up one day and chucked him out. Best decision I ever made.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 09/08/2025 17:45

Kitkatkaboodle · 09/08/2025 17:04

If the flirting is unwanted it is sexual harassment.

your dh sounds like an unpleasant bully / misogynist. I’m so sorry op.

Exactly. It's the woman at work I feel sorry for.

BunnyLake · 09/08/2025 18:05

Pammela · 09/08/2025 17:39

Thanks for the messages. His silent treatment is making me question myself tbh..
He is saying I must’ve been snooping for months and then deleting the history. But he had the tab open all the time so I’m not sure why I’d even need to do that, if I had. He says he has proof of me doing it but, again, I don’t think this is possible as he was on it so often. And it’s not true.

I admitted I saw it a while ago and the recent stories from work reminded me. I admitted I shouldn’t have read it but the contents were obviously out of order and of course I then read them. He didn’t care. He’s obsessed with the idea I’ve been checking non stop.

I have emailed some marriage counsellors and will let him know about this tomorrow but I am worried about his reaction if I’m honest. And I’m worried that if he doesn’t change perspective then there’s not many options left..

Edited

He’s deflecting. Don’t fall for it.

PigletSanders · 09/08/2025 18:13

Pammela · 09/08/2025 17:39

Thanks for the messages. His silent treatment is making me question myself tbh..
He is saying I must’ve been snooping for months and then deleting the history. But he had the tab open all the time so I’m not sure why I’d even need to do that, if I had. He says he has proof of me doing it but, again, I don’t think this is possible as he was on it so often. And it’s not true.

I admitted I saw it a while ago and the recent stories from work reminded me. I admitted I shouldn’t have read it but the contents were obviously out of order and of course I then read them. He didn’t care. He’s obsessed with the idea I’ve been checking non stop.

I have emailed some marriage counsellors and will let him know about this tomorrow but I am worried about his reaction if I’m honest. And I’m worried that if he doesn’t change perspective then there’s not many options left..

Edited

He has very successfully turned this on you and made you panic, and now you’re trying to convince him to fight for your marriage. Can you see how fucked up that is?

You should call his bluff, tell him he’s despicable for trying to deflect and make out you’re in the wrong and that HE is the wrong party. What an absolute joke he is.