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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think husband knows I saw messages..

55 replies

Pammela · 03/08/2025 19:18

I have seen, over the last few months, some messages rhat my husband has sent to friends about a female co worker. They basically consist of hun showing off about flirting with her, ‘joking’ with her that they should go on a date and such like.
he again ‘joked’ that he kept doing it become he liked ‘difficult’ things..seems his friends just went along with it..
I mentioned some colleagues who had recently started dating and how a married colleague and been joking about dating someone at work (I probably exaggerated this slightly) and said how I thought it was inappropriate. He didn’t say much.
He later came to check if I’d been on his computer at all that day..this is where I have seen the messages before- it often just has the screen left up. I said no, but he has been very off with me ever since. Barely speaking to me and has changed (I think) settings on his computer. He’s definitely annoyed and he realises I may have linked my colleagues situation to his ‘banter’, but he obviously isn’t able to admit to any of it. And I feel like this has been a reasonable heads up.

Although I assume he’ll never leave the screen up again…so I’ll never know. He wasn’t too secretive before, or was stupid, so I really don’t think there’s anything sinister but I found it very disrespectful.

Should I just have left it and not used the opportunity as a way to make a point? Kind of feel it maybe wasn’t worth the silent treatment now!

OP posts:
Azdcgbjml · 09/08/2025 18:32

Agapornis · 09/08/2025 17:07

He's DARVOing - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Pathetic.

Your family (kids & you) have nothing to fear - you'll be better off without him.

This is what I was going to say.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

This sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic OP. I'm not sure this is something you should be trying to fix.

DARVO - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Newfigtree · 09/08/2025 20:38

Marriage counselling won’t work if he doesn’t want to be there. I wouldn’t bother.
Silent treatment back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Just don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing. Go about your day like you couldn’t care less if he’s there or not. Don’t let him see he’s upset you.

Batherssss · 10/08/2025 09:51

God help you OP.
You are clearly a "boiled frog" in a highly abusive, controlling and manipulative relationship.

He uses the silent treatment to emotionally abuse you and silence you.

Domestic abuse charities are there to help.
Talk to Women's aid.

This is a bad man.
Can you reach out for help?
Family and friends?

He is sleazy scum who is abusing you.
I am so sorry.

This is NOT normal.

WalkingaroundJardine · 10/08/2025 10:04

It seems to me from the magnitude of his reaction that he was seriously on the look out for opportunities for an affair. He does not want to discuss that, however. Hence the silent treatment and all this talk about snooping on him. With all the focus on you and with you now panicking and worrying, it lets him adopt the position of the one who was wronged.

He probably wants you to quietly look the other way while he has the privacy to have the fun forays outside of the marriage that he wants.

Calamitousness · 10/08/2025 10:15

Do you not realise this is a marriage that is not worth your efforts to remain in. He doesn’t love or respect you the way a husband should. His behaviour is hideous. He may not have physically cheated yet but I bet he will. Get out. Make plans. Start building an escape fund. See a lawyer. This is not a good marriage and what a shitty life. My husband of many decades has never treated me with disrespect and would never chat to another women in a way that could be thought flirtatious. I’m his favourite person. That’s what you should have in a marriage.

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