To be fed up with these friendships and stop them

Wierdyperiody · 2025-08-03T16:17:08+00:00

My DD IS 11 and it's the holidays so we have had various friends visit etc. Two or three of her friends are allowed free reign access to mobile phones I've had children bring phones to the meal table, I've had a level of rudeness that I would never allow ..example another child demanding a particular fast food No please and thanks Walking out of the house without asking or saying where they are going, 'oh I'm going to the shop' Smashing flowers up in my flower bed Picking up items that belong to the neighbours kids and messing about with them ( we have shared access to a stretch of beach) Swearing in front of me DD being mocked when Ive asked her to do a basic household job or given her a hug No appropriate or spare clothing so I'm having to wash and dry stuff No toothbrush so I'm having to provide I'm literally sick of accommodating badly parented children. It's exhausting. We are far from perfect but there's a basic level of respect and courtesy, my DD knows how to behave in other people's homes and with manners. These children don't appear to have proper mealtime routines, boundaries around phone use or basic manners. I'm pissed off. Aibu to stop these friendships?

GreatBigShaz · 03/08/2025 17:26

Its up to you really, but how would your child feel?

Whilst some of those things would irritate me, it's worth bearing in mind that other families operating in a slightly different way to you is not inherently rude or poor parenting, just different.

Rainbowshine · 03/08/2025 17:45

Why are you providing a toothbrush? Are they staying overnight? I would stop that and limit the time to a couple of hours, or even stop having them over for a while.

Original poster

Wierdyperiody · 03/08/2025 17:49

GreatBigShaz · 03/08/2025 17:26

Its up to you really, but how would your child feel?

Whilst some of those things would irritate me, it's worth bearing in mind that other families operating in a slightly different way to you is not inherently rude or poor parenting, just different.

I think swearing, mocking, smashing up flower beds and bringing a phone to the meal table are pretty rude?

I'm not ready to accept that behaviour as just parenting differently.

Yes, toothbrush, child didn't bring one for a sleepover. Never does.

OP posts:

CoffeeBeansGalore · 03/08/2025 17:50

Stop the sleepovers for now. Only have over kids who know how to behave. Preferably get them picked up before mealtimes. You don't have to stop the friendships. Just don't tolerate them in your home.

AbzMoz · 03/08/2025 17:52

Yes ywbu to try and determine who is friends with your child and it would likely cause issues at school.

Of course you can manage behaviours in your house or discuss with DD which behaviours were let slide because a friend was over. Are the visits reciprocated? maybe just have day trips or play dates and no sleepovers with those children who’s behavior is more difficult

GreatBigShaz · 03/08/2025 17:54

Wierdyperiody · 03/08/2025 17:49

I think swearing, mocking, smashing up flower beds and bringing a phone to the meal table are pretty rude?

I'm not ready to accept that behaviour as just parenting differently.

Yes, toothbrush, child didn't bring one for a sleepover. Never does.

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As I said, some things in your OP would bother me, some wouldn't. Some I would challenge, some I wouldn't. It's your house, you make your own rules.

HangingOver · 03/08/2025 17:54

You have a beach??? 😮

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

RockyRogue1001 · 03/08/2025 18:26

How does your DD feel about these behaviours?

Is she embarrassed by her friends?

Endofyear · 03/08/2025 18:40

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

This is utter nonsense. I'm from an immigrant background myself and my children had friends from many different cultures and I can tell you that most have pretty strict parents and good manners. I don't know where you get the idea that other cultures don't instil good manners in their children, but it's simply not true.

Fountofwisdom · 03/08/2025 18:48

I wouldn’t stop the friendships, but stop the sleepovers definitely, and reduce the other visits to a couple of hours. The behaviours you describe are certainly poor, and I would be very annoyed too.

If a child came to me for a sleepover without a toothbrush, they just wouldn’t brush their teeth. I wouldn’t be providing toothbrushes each time and it’s not going to kill them to go without brushing for one night. When the parents collect, I’d just breezily say, “Oh by the way, Olivia forgot her toothbrush so she wasn’t able to do her teeth last night.” And hope they take the hint.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 03/08/2025 18:52

Absolutely discourage your daughter spending time with them. Their behaviour will impact and rub off on your daughter and quite frankly life’s too short to fix other parents crap parenting. Protect your bubble and get shot of these nightmare kids.

Ladamesansmerci · 03/08/2025 19:05

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

This seems weirdly racist? Yes cultures are different, but to presume all children with bad behaviour are either poor or immigrants is a bit gross. Just because someone is poor or an immigrant, it doesn't mean they lack manners, though the manners may look different. For example, in some places in China, it's good manners to pick up your bowl and slurp from it, which would obviously look odd here!

Also I feel like not smashing a flower bed transcends cultures and parenting type. It's basic and learned by far younger kids that we don't wreck each other's things. Also, how to talk to others without being rude is a pretty basic piece of parenting.

OP, personally I would just try and stick to some rules e.g. 'can you put you phone away please, we don't allow them when eat'. Your daughter will resent you for banning friendships, and also it's good to learn that different houses have different rules and that others come from different backgrounds with different types of parents.

Original poster

Wierdyperiody · 03/08/2025 20:11

Ladamesansmerci · 03/08/2025 19:05

This seems weirdly racist? Yes cultures are different, but to presume all children with bad behaviour are either poor or immigrants is a bit gross. Just because someone is poor or an immigrant, it doesn't mean they lack manners, though the manners may look different. For example, in some places in China, it's good manners to pick up your bowl and slurp from it, which would obviously look odd here!

Also I feel like not smashing a flower bed transcends cultures and parenting type. It's basic and learned by far younger kids that we don't wreck each other's things. Also, how to talk to others without being rude is a pretty basic piece of parenting.

OP, personally I would just try and stick to some rules e.g. 'can you put you phone away please, we don't allow them when eat'. Your daughter will resent you for banning friendships, and also it's good to learn that different houses have different rules and that others come from different backgrounds with different types of parents.

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Thanks
This isn't weirdly racist, it's blatantly racist. It's also completely odd and appallingly informed. I thanks for your comments though. Yes, it's exhausting to be asking other children to follow our house rules and be met with indignation and refusal from a sullen 11 year old who I'm feeding and driving to do nice activities.

Absolutely will not be doing it anymore.

OP posts:

MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 04/08/2025 12:10

Endofyear · 03/08/2025 18:40

This is utter nonsense. I'm from an immigrant background myself and my children had friends from many different cultures and I can tell you that most have pretty strict parents and good manners. I don't know where you get the idea that other cultures don't instil good manners in their children, but it's simply not true.

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This has been my experience too. In the past week, at various sessions, the parents who were firm and attempted to model common decency were of Chinese and African descent. All the feral children, I encountered, had, homegrown, permissive middle-class parents. I'm not saying this is all pervasive, by any means, however, this tends to be the pattern of my experience. A lot of my friends, who are second generation migrants, were very conscious not to make a nuisance of themselves, in the community, else they would face real consequences from their parents. In fairness, this was commonplace in working class communities, across the board, and still is among my generation.

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/08/2025 12:15

Anyone who behaves badly doesn’t get invited back. Very simple.

Mydadsbirthday · 04/08/2025 12:20

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

Ridiculous comment!

tryingtobesogood · 04/08/2025 12:20

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

That’s the most patronising racist crap Ive read on here in ages

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 04/08/2025 12:24

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

As a parent and as someone who has worked in a secondary school in a semi rural(and pretty racially undiverse)for 20 years, I'd say utter bollox. We had our share of kids who believed they had carte blanche to do whatever they wanted, generally the only defining factor was they were little shits with shit parents.
March them back home every time.

Mumofmarauders · 04/08/2025 16:47

Endofyear · 03/08/2025 18:40

This is utter nonsense. I'm from an immigrant background myself and my children had friends from many different cultures and I can tell you that most have pretty strict parents and good manners. I don't know where you get the idea that other cultures don't instil good manners in their children, but it's simply not true.

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Out of my Dd10’s many friends I think the two politest are both kids who have at least one immigrant parent 🤷🏽‍♀️

Campingisnexttogodliness · 04/08/2025 16:49

They sound like their piss taking dps using you for free childcare..
Say no op. Help dd find more appropriate friends.. Before secondary school and you don't carry as much clout...

DiscoBob · 04/08/2025 16:56

The flowerbeds thing is bang out of order. I'd tell the parents and hope they'd offer to replace the damaged plants.

And you need to have a boundary over when they can come in obviously. You'll have to sometimes say no, sorry we're busy today.

The ones demanding fast food...I'd just burst out laughing and say have you got any money for it? Do you have a deliveroo account?

Then if they keep asking for food just say there's none left. And you need to leave room for dinner at home.

Then text the parents and say 'I'm sending Barry home now, as we're having tea and then doing something.' When they overstay their welcome.

I hope your kid really does want to be friends with them? And they're not just kind of manipulating her?

Nuffzed · 04/08/2025 17:00

I wouldn’t like or accommodate any of that. There must be better friends for your DD.

Bluetoothpaste · 04/08/2025 17:03

When my kids were are this stage children behaved in my house or they were taken home.

Everyone knew what the rules were and that you had to stick to them at “Blue’s House”.

Everyone always had lots of fun and we had loads of play dates and sleepovers but I was uncompromising on ”my house, my rules’.

ButterCrackers · 04/08/2025 17:05

No sleepovers. No wifi plugged in. The parents collect them before it’s dinner time. Tell these loser parents that you’re not ok with being sworn at and having your garden borders trashed, neighbours stuff messed up and having your dd mocked. Tell the parents no spare clothes means that the kid goes home wet and sandy (I assume it’s the beach that requires a clothes change). See if your dd can find new friends.