Page 3 | To be fed up with these friendships and stop them

Wierdyperiody · 2025-08-03T16:17:08+00:00

My DD IS 11 and it's the holidays so we have had various friends visit etc. Two or three of her friends are allowed free reign access to mobile phones I've had children bring phones to the meal table, I've had a level of rudeness that I would never allow ..example another child demanding a particular fast food No please and thanks Walking out of the house without asking or saying where they are going, 'oh I'm going to the shop' Smashing flowers up in my flower bed Picking up items that belong to the neighbours kids and messing about with them ( we have shared access to a stretch of beach) Swearing in front of me DD being mocked when Ive asked her to do a basic household job or given her a hug No appropriate or spare clothing so I'm having to wash and dry stuff No toothbrush so I'm having to provide I'm literally sick of accommodating badly parented children. It's exhausting. We are far from perfect but there's a basic level of respect and courtesy, my DD knows how to behave in other people's homes and with manners. These children don't appear to have proper mealtime routines, boundaries around phone use or basic manners. I'm pissed off. Aibu to stop these friendships?

Catsandcannedbeans · 05/08/2025 21:29

My kids are much younger than yours, but last week I sent one of DDs friends home because she was being a cheeky little shit. Send them home. Taking cheek from your own child is part of being a parent, but I won’t take cheeky from someone else kids in my home. First time is a telling off, second time ring the parents to come and get them. It’s nothing to do with class or race, I am from a rough council estate and I knew how to behave in other peoples homes. I was probably better behaved for other peoples parents actually, especially if they were feeding me.

Banrockmystation · 05/08/2025 21:34

I encouraged my child to seek other friendships when this sort of thing started. They were obviously embarrassed because they knew it was unacceptable and not how we did things. The children were not actually proper friends because if they were they would’ve treated dc better and not been such arseholes. Now there’s just a couple that are similar to dc, well behaved and generally respectful.
Teach your child that it’s ok to walk away from people who are not good influences and don’t leave them feeling positive and uplifted.

Illegally18 · 05/08/2025 21:37

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

bollox

Laurmolonlabe · 05/08/2025 23:17

You can't stop the friendships, but you can stop hosting these children, and I would do so, right away.

pavillion1 · 05/08/2025 23:22

GreatBigShaz · 03/08/2025 17:26

Its up to you really, but how would your child feel?

Whilst some of those things would irritate me, it's worth bearing in mind that other families operating in a slightly different way to you is not inherently rude or poor parenting, just different.

What are you on about ??? i wouldnt accept that behaviour

coxesorangepippin · 06/08/2025 02:59

Yes of course op, they sound like utter piss takers and should not be invited over again

scotvic · 06/08/2025 08:56

In my day it was common for mums to laugh together about how our kids were so polite and well behaved in each others homes, while often being lazy or badly behaved at home. Several ‘swaps’ were proposed!

Darls3000 · 06/08/2025 10:24

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

tell us you’re a bit bigoted why don’t you. In my experience it’s the opposite! Kids from non uk cultures and especially immigrant families behave with the absolute best manners and decorum especially around adults and other peoples homes and properties. Not sure what right wing nonsense you are spouting.

PurpleThistle7 · 06/08/2025 10:38

Ignoring that weird racist post because I have no idea what that even means...

I have 12/9 year olds and I cannot control their friendships - you can't control your daughter's either. You can however enforce rules in your own home and encourage more time with her friends who are kind to her.

Agree with one of the above - you need to separate out the things that are just differences in families from things that are truly problematic. Phones at tables is in no way a general rule - it's a rule in my house, and can absolutely be a rule in yours. Just tell them to put it away. Walking out the door? Is that a thing they do at home? it's the age where it might be happening but if you don't want it to happen, just stop it. Tell them 'in this house, we...' and that's the end of that.

Destroying things? Being cruel? (Although my children would make fun of 'me' if I tried to hug her in front of her friends so you might want to stop that one if your daughter wants you to)... those things are bad and definitely a problem.

I think a lot of this can be sorted out by structuring the time - have an end time, don't feel obliged to feed them, send them home in wet clothes. Won't hurt anyone to skip a night brushing their teeth if they don't bring a toothbrush (assuming no neglect. And if it's a constant thing with one person, just give them a toothbrush to leave at yours?). I think it's all a bit out of control so you're noticing every single niggle but it might be better to focus on the actual problems.

You will have less and less control over your daughter's friendships as she gets older. Personally I'd rather keep my house welcoming so I can keep an eye on my kids as they get older, but with some structure around it. No one destroys anything in my house, we put away the phones if we are eating dinner together, everyone helps clean up after a meal... the basic things that are just rules in my house. But you can of course ban anyone you like from your own home if that's better for you - it just means that your daughter will find somewhere else to go hang out with her friends.

ladyinka · 06/08/2025 13:31

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

I’m an Eastern European immigrant who has lived in the UK for half of my life, my teenage kids are both British & European and have friends from all backgrounds.

Your comment is an absolute racist nonsense.

If anything, my kids have stricter boundaries than many of their peers. This is mine & DH parenting choice and nothing to do with my country of origin or our middle class background.

I also have no issue expecting and enforcing similar boundaries when in loco parenting their friends eg. no phones at the table or in the bedrooms etc. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child.

TeaAndCakeNow · 06/08/2025 13:37

@User9784754 Um, what now? I’m from one of the cultures you mention and we definitely have rules about phone use, table manners and behaviour in other people’s homes. If anything we’re probably stricter and my parents always drummed it into me to not behave in ways that would inconvenience our hosts. The behaviour described in the OP would definitely be considered rude and I wouldn’t entertain it.

LlynTegid · 06/08/2025 14:12

Laurmolonlabe · 05/08/2025 23:17

You can't stop the friendships, but you can stop hosting these children, and I would do so, right away.

I agree.

CinnamonBuns67 · 06/08/2025 14:35

Yabu to stop the friendships, however you won't be unreasonable to not allow these children into your home anymore. They are poorly behaved and I'd not love to have my child around them either.

However he is 11, he is only 4-5 years (depending on his birthday) where you don't have an ounce of a say in his life and he is going to have many friends you don't like, he needs to learn which friendships are worth keeping and losing for himself.

I remember my mum took a disliking to my friend when I was 12, she wasn't a badly behaved kid or anything we just bickered a bit as kids do so my mum said I wasn't allowed to see her or speak to her, even in school. I ignored her and met up with her in secret, we are still friends to this day.

Littlemisssavvy · 06/08/2025 18:56

YANBU to be annoyed and frustrated with rude friends/poor behaviours. Our DD went through a similar phase at 11/12, i just used to say x or y couldn’t have a sleepover and explained the behaviours that were not acceptable. Once DD started high school and had a broader range of friendship groups, we saw much less of these friends, partly as they were going off the rails and did was distancing herself. I suspect your DD will work though it but you don;’t need to put up with poor behaviour in your own home.

As an afterthought, seeing this through DGC & friends, the level of screen time some parents are allowing their children is mind boggling - unlimited, unsupervised, allowed phones during meals etc

nomas · 06/08/2025 19:00

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

Racist crap. Privileged kids are often very entitled.

GentleJadeOP · 06/08/2025 19:16

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 04/08/2025 12:24

As a parent and as someone who has worked in a secondary school in a semi rural(and pretty racially undiverse)for 20 years, I'd say utter bollox. We had our share of kids who believed they had carte blanche to do whatever they wanted, generally the only defining factor was they were little shits with shit parents.
March them back home every time.

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Well your language actually is quite rude too

Illegally18 · 10/08/2025 20:00

GentleJadeOP · 06/08/2025 19:16

Well your language actually is quite rude too

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Np, she's saying it like it is.

Mauvehoodie · 10/08/2025 20:11

How does your dd feel? It sounds really extreme bad behaviour from the friends tbh. I have a 13 year old and at times when there has been minor bad behaviour from
mates he tends to feel really annoyed. I gently say he can avoid sleepovers at ours for a bit and he doesn’t have to have those friends back. The bad behaviour we have experienced has been more stabbing into a fresh jar of Nutella or dripping crumbs and being a bit silly over breakfast (I was upstairs but ds was annoyed about it and isn’t generally particularly precious).

citychick · 10/08/2025 20:40

UANBU
They would be out of my house PDQ.
At the park friends only.

GentleJadeOP · 10/08/2025 22:04

Illegally18 · 10/08/2025 20:00

Np, she's saying it like it is.

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Works in a school and not setting the examples she preaches!

Jamfirstest · 10/08/2025 22:11

This sounds quite familiar.moving up to secondary has been a culture shock for my dd and her friends too. We had years of play dates with kids we knew since nursery and could more than trust. Dd and her besties have been shocked by the behaviour of their newer friends in year 7. Op if your dd is anything like mine she will have been privately mortified and want her parents to play bad cop and say no to these kids coming over.