Page 2 | To be fed up with these friendships and stop them

Wierdyperiody · 2025-08-03T16:17:08+00:00

My DD IS 11 and it's the holidays so we have had various friends visit etc. Two or three of her friends are allowed free reign access to mobile phones I've had children bring phones to the meal table, I've had a level of rudeness that I would never allow ..example another child demanding a particular fast food No please and thanks Walking out of the house without asking or saying where they are going, 'oh I'm going to the shop' Smashing flowers up in my flower bed Picking up items that belong to the neighbours kids and messing about with them ( we have shared access to a stretch of beach) Swearing in front of me DD being mocked when Ive asked her to do a basic household job or given her a hug No appropriate or spare clothing so I'm having to wash and dry stuff No toothbrush so I'm having to provide I'm literally sick of accommodating badly parented children. It's exhausting. We are far from perfect but there's a basic level of respect and courtesy, my DD knows how to behave in other people's homes and with manners. These children don't appear to have proper mealtime routines, boundaries around phone use or basic manners. I'm pissed off. Aibu to stop these friendships?

jannier · 04/08/2025 17:06

Wierdyperiody · 03/08/2025 17:49

I think swearing, mocking, smashing up flower beds and bringing a phone to the meal table are pretty rude?

I'm not ready to accept that behaviour as just parenting differently.

Yes, toothbrush, child didn't bring one for a sleepover. Never does.

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Maybe there is neglect going on in that household and you are providing that child with normality and refuge.
Do you have contact with the parents?
I step in with behaviour often they are trying it on. But I wouldn't be hugging or kissing my child unless they came to me for it....at that age some are embarrassed by it

Abra1t · 04/08/2025 17:09

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

This is so not my experience. Very polite and helpful children from working-class families and from mixed-race Scottish-Kenyan backgrounds.

jannier · 04/08/2025 17:09

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

Where do you get your stereotypes from? How odd I don't recognise any of what you describe despite working with children.

Radiatorsa · 04/08/2025 17:12

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/08/2025 12:15

Anyone who behaves badly doesn’t get invited back. Very simple.

This.
But they would be told there and then what is expected of them.
I did ask one or two children were they tired because they didn't seem to understand what I asked them to do?
I also offered to call their mum to collect them. They behaved very quickly but were never invited back.
Couldn't give a damn.
No brats welcome or tolerated in my home.
I do believe that post Covid behaviour has dramatically deteriorated in some children, according to teacher friends in very MC schools.

wizzywig · 04/08/2025 17:12

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

Are you serious? Public opinion is incredibly important to South Asian parents. It's a reflection of their parenting. We are raised on 'what will people say/think'.

Radiatorsa · 04/08/2025 17:15

OP, I didn't do sleepovers until my children were 13+ and only with close friends.

Don't do anything dramatic, just be busy, and no more invites or sleepovers for a while.

Take a break!

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/08/2025 17:17

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

This is complete balderdash.

There is strict and permissive parenting across all cultures and ethnic backgrounds. If anything I'd say as a stereotype (not always true but there's a grain of truth) the middle/upper middle/upper classes are genuinely the most permissive around things like table manners. Many immigrant families are very hard line on behaviour and manners.

These particular kids sound rude and obnoxious. I wouldn't allow a kid over the threshold if it mocked my kids under my roof and destroyed stuff in my garden. That's just disrespectful. And honestly if your kids tolerate being mocked for doing household tasks these other kids are not going to respect them.

Bearybasket · 04/08/2025 17:18

We’ve got 4 in their late teens so had our fair share of sleepovers and kids coming over. Any kids that were disrespectful of us our property or didn’t listen to me were sent home and didn’t come back. Thankfully any incidents were few and far between. Fingers crossed we have same luck when the youngest two are that age 😅

Providing a toothbrush or washing clothes wouldn’t bother me though as long as they were polite when they asked. We still keep a pack or two of cheap toothbrushes in for unexpected sleepovers or in case guests forget theirs

Sharptonguedwoman · 05/08/2025 17:57

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

Good grief. I come from a background of dire poverty on both sides of my family (skilled working class)but good manners were embedded in us from an early age. I don’t thing being middle class is relevant here.

MellersSmellers · 05/08/2025 18:28

Reasonable to not invite them into your home, unreasonable to try to stop friendships.
And explain to your DD what you don't like about their behaviour so she doesn't pick up any traits!

Pinkdhalia · 05/08/2025 19:12

Have an agreement with your DD that the guests go home before meal times, you could make sandwiches for the beach trips but everyone goes home at proper meal times or at a prearranged specific time. So when you say 'ok everyone, it's been great to see you all today, we can make a plan to see you all again.' Then start gathering up what's being used to clear away.

Cherrysoup · 05/08/2025 19:17

No more meals/sleepovers. If they refuse to comply with your house rules, home they go. I’m assuming you have the parents’ numbers to message and tell them their child is being sent home? Zero tolerance, I would never have dreamed of behaving so poorly as a guest.

Totally agree re no phones at table, I insisted on this on a recent residential trip.

Dolphin78 · 05/08/2025 19:30

When my daughter was at primary and I heard the way some of the girls spoke to their parents I already decided that these were the ones that were never coming over the threshold. Once or twice one slipped past me and I did utter the words “don’t speak to your mum/dad like that” when the doting parents arrived to collect their little darlings.. I have zero tolerance for this BS from other peoples kids…don’t have them back EVER

Bleachedlevis · 05/08/2025 19:50

HangingOver · 03/08/2025 17:54

You have a beach??? 😮

‘Shared access’ she says. Doesn’t mean she owns a beach.

yorkiegirl12 · 05/08/2025 20:19

My house, my rules. No phones at the table, if they don’t like it they don’t eat. If they damage property I’d be telling the parents and making the kids clean it up/repair it best they could etc. You can’t really stop the friendships unfortunately, but if you implement rules they don’t like they might decide to stop coming round by themselves 🤣

yeesh · 05/08/2025 20:24

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

What the fuck are you talking about, what a disgusting way to talk about people. Any excuse to talk about immigrants.

Cetim · 05/08/2025 20:25

User9784754 · 03/08/2025 18:00

I would assume that many of those children come from socially disadvantaged families, possibly with immigrant backgrounds, and they were not taught the rules that you deem are important. Many cultures (eg South Asian, East Asian, Eastern European, Latin American) do not have heavy etiquette around mobile phone use or being excessively polite to family friends. It's normal to drop around people's homes and be welcomed like you're one of their own children.

It's only the middle/upper class in western countries that have fairly strict rules regarding politeness, table manners, how to address your friend's parents etc. If those things are very important to you then you can of course force your children to stop the friendship. However I doubt those "badly behaved" children are deliberately doing it to annoy you and make your life hard. They probably weren't taught any better by their parents.

Sorry I came from a very economically disadvantaged Caribbean family, grew up in the 80s and 90s. Every single thing the OP has described was shocking and absurd to me. Would never have got away with that. I don't even swear in front of my mum now as a grown adult and I am regularly rold how polite my children are by teachers and other parents. I don't agree that low social/economic status is the cause. Also I have been a teacher for a long time now. I would say over the past ten years I have noticed younger children are getting more and more rude and I don't know why tbh.

Brefugee · 05/08/2025 20:29

The flowerbeds thing is bang out of order. I'd tell the parents and hope they'd offer to replace the damaged plants.

no. I would tell the parents and ask if they want to replace the plants like for like, or give me the cash to do so

Buffs · 05/08/2025 20:31

Of course you don’t have to put up with any child whose behaviour you feel to be unacceptable. How does your daughter about these children and their behaviour?

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 05/08/2025 20:31

YANBU to end the friendship.

I wouldn’t allow anyone rude, disrespectful, entitled who damages my property and belittles my child - in my home or anywhere near my child.

Speak to your DD about finding better friends.

EmeraldRoulette · 05/08/2025 20:36

@Wierdyperiody the thing that really jumped out at me was the smashing up your flowers. Shouldn't that be an instant ban from your home?

arcticpandas · 05/08/2025 20:37

@Wierdyperiody Don't stop your DD from having friends, just be picky with whom you invite to sleep over. With DS2 12 y old we first invite the friend over. If friend is nice and has basic manners he will be invited again. If not then they will just see each other in school/outside. At 11/12 you expect children to have basic manners- If not from parents then school/other settings.

My DS2 is far from perfect at home but I have told him that if he wants to be invited to friends' houses he needs to be polite; say please and thank you, tidy up if he and his friend make a mess without being told and always help out/offer to help out with the meals (dressing table/clearing plates etc). He always have everything he needs with him including money if the parents take him out so that he can atleast offer to pay his way. He is very often invited to friends' houses and even though he is a sweet lad I think his manners have got something to do with it as well as parents always tell me how polite and well-mannered he is. Before anyone accuses me of bragging I can assure you that he's not always attentive and helpful at home- quite lazy to be honest and I often have to remind him to say thank you. But outside the house he does know how to behave thankfully.

Goldbar · 05/08/2025 20:39

On the one hand - YANBU to think that some of this behaviour is totally unacceptable.

On the other hand - I find that visiting friends' houses (and especially sleepovers) does bring out the worst in kids and sometimes they don't know how to behave or behave in ways they wouldn't normally so I do think kids away from their own home should be given a margin of tolerance that you wouldn't give your own children who know your rules.

I'd separate out behaviour that's merely gauche/disorganised/symptomatic of different rules (phones at table, walking out of the house without asking, forgetting please and thank you sometimes, not having appropriate clothing etc.) from behaviour which by any standards is absolutely dreadful (smashing stuff up, messing about with other people's belongings, swearing, mocking and bullying your DD).

The first group might get a few more chances. The second wouldn't be invited back.

namechangeGOT · 05/08/2025 20:44

I wouldn’t stop the friendship. They wouldn’t be invited over to sleep again though and I speak to any children in my care as I would my own, so if they ruin my flower beds, then they’ll get told off same as mine would.

PrincessofWells · 05/08/2025 20:47

GreatBigShaz · 03/08/2025 17:26

Its up to you really, but how would your child feel?

Whilst some of those things would irritate me, it's worth bearing in mind that other families operating in a slightly different way to you is not inherently rude or poor parenting, just different.

No - basic manners and polite behaviour should be what all parents are doing.