Page 5 | To ground dd(13) all summer?

EMREX · 04/08/2025 23:35

If she’s lying and sneaking around you need to focus on the quality of the relationship you have with her. Sit her down and explain youd like her to be honest about what’s she’s doing and that you won’t stop her from doing anything without good reason (I.e risk to her safety) and that if she can just be honest with you and keep you in the loop it’ll work out much better for you both. Definitely impose some kind of less harsh consequence for lying to you, but even more so guide her into honesty and give her a bit of freedom. Celebrating her being honest with you and giving her a bit of extra freedom will give you much better results than just grounding her all summer with no real result from that.

Hopingtobeaparent · 05/08/2025 07:02

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 03/08/2025 16:02

Definitive consequences absolutely needed but I'm not convinced being grounded for the entire summer is right

This.

Hopingtobeaparent · 05/08/2025 07:03

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 16:06

Absolutely not.
But you do sit down with her and tell her she has broken your trust and that she is on her last chance.
Insist on a tracker on her phone.
Talk about her safety, alcohol and boys.
Talk about loving her, wanting to trust her and how her safety is so important.

Don't isolate her from her friends.

Lovely, also this.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/08/2025 07:07

OhDorWheresthesalad · 03/08/2025 16:08

Not sure the punishment fits the crime. You say she's normally well behaved and she's just pushing some boundaries now. Week of grounding would be more appropriate imo, will feel like forever at 13. I'd also give her a bollocking but that's completely non MN.

I agree ,a week will seem like a lifetime to her. Tell her she needs to earn her privileges back.

Jev82 · 05/08/2025 07:18

My parents were very controlling with me as a teenager due to my mother’s anxiety. It damaged my relationship with my friends and left me isolated from social groups. I am not saying that’s what you sound like at all but I suspect you think your DH might be.

I understand she has broken your rules but I would start by reflecting on where the rules are reasonable and where they might be overkill.

As parents you always assume it’s the worst. She’s gotten into drugs or she’s being groomed by an older guy. But not unreasonable for a 13 yo girl to be mortified at the idea of her parents checking her phone, it’s also not unreasonable for you to want a sense of what she’s up to on the phone either.

Can you try a proper conversation with her where you let her in to your thinking? She’s 13, it’s time she started considering a broader perspective too.

A dead phone and being late seems minor. Sneaking out to talk to a mate at the gate also. I think you need to be able to parse between your DH’s OTT impulse to control, and what’s actually happening with your DD.

I also don’t think I would ground at all. I would sit her down and be like, “right well I am really stuck here between your poor behaviour and your dad wanting to ground you all summer - so help me come up with a way in which you take more responsibility and stop acting out”. I remember a conversation my Dad had with me like this and it was very powerful.

good luck!

Jumpers4goalposts · 05/08/2025 07:41

Grounded three days, and phone removed for a day, trip is in doubt she’s let you down, if she behaves until her trip she’ll be let off with good behaviour but if she lets you down again she’ll be grounded for a week, and no trip. There’s a consequence to her behaviour but she is in control of its severity. I would use this time as well to discuss why those rules were in place and what could have happened by her breaking them.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 05/08/2025 07:54

Whenever SS13 (nearly 14) does something silly I try to think back to what I was like and so does my DH. Truth is their brains are developing at this age and mentoring/guiding them to learn is better than punishment to restrict.

I was only having exactly that conversation with my best friends the other day when we went out for a drink (all the things we used to get up to at their ages).

SS has a tracking app on his phone that his mum and DH have access to. This week he has asked for his phone in his room overnight (as he has this at mummy’s) and we have explained that we will put focus mode on for the evening and he has our trust, but he is not to break that trust.

I am with you OP on this, have a good talk, agree some boundaries and agree some consequences if those boundaries are not met or are breached and go from there. Harsh punishment without giving her a chance is only going to lead to resentment and break all opportunities for connection, confidence and communication which are the goals you really want in this day and age. Make it all about trust.

Pottedpalm · 05/08/2025 08:02

I would be concerned about what happened at the gate. Why did she need to meet the friend in person if nothing was handed over?

TheaBrandt1 · 05/08/2025 08:15

Friends have a Dd with autism who displayed these behaviours the very expensive professionals they see did not advise “grounding” as a solution. You need to work with the young person in keeping themselves safe as some pp have set out.

NoisyLemonDog · 05/08/2025 08:25

She's 13 not 15 or 16, very much a vulnerable young teenager that needs your protection. The window, older kids and lying would worry me a lot, the rest might be normal. Going back to basics with a curfew and vastly reduced, heavily monitored phone access would be good. I wouldn't want her going on the big trip if she lies and is hanging around with older kids.

Chompingatthebeat · 05/08/2025 08:29

I have never grounded any of my kids, its a terrible concept

BeachLife2 · 05/08/2025 08:36

It sounds like your DH wants her living in a prison camp tbh due to her anxiety.

It is not appropriate to expect a running commentary on exactly who she's with and what she's doing. It's infantilising.

MageQueen · 05/08/2025 08:42

Agree with everyone else this is extreme. I also can't help thinking that this level of behaviour from a usually well behaved child screams that the rules have been too restrictive for a while and she's pushing back, most likely because all of her friends have more independence and/or becuase she's not had much independence before so doesn't actually know how to handle what she's now getting.

Constant never ending checking of phones at this age is, in my opinion, not fair. yes, you have to do some checking - but it should be spot checks. At that age, we didn't have mobile phones but we did spend hours talking on the phone, writing notes, writing in our diaries, talking to each other and if our parents had been reading/listening to all of those conversations it would have been mortifiying. We'd have done ANYTHING to hide the details of our interactions from them if that had been the case.

I think you and your DH need to wind back some of the restrictions frankly. Use this as an opportunity to reset boundaries. Agree what is and isn't okay, be a bit more flexible, and set up a new process for the future.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/08/2025 10:29

I would take her phone off her for a week ( and use the time to lock it down/ check messages etc), enforce a curfew and tell her sister not to go giving her old phones. Explain she can win her phone back by showing she can stick to the rules but every time she doesn't you keep the phone for an extra week. I would however crack down hard on the sneaking out. I would phone the other girls parents to tell them what happened and not allow her out with that friend. She's 13! Completely unacceptable behaviour from her and very dangerous.

Hankunamatata · 05/08/2025 10:34

Wee bit of grounding, lots of chores and id be tempted to give her a brick phone for a couple of weeks

Hankunamatata · 05/08/2025 10:37

So each one gets a consequnce. Lying alone would be grounding for a week.

-She lied about where she was and who she was with ( or at least plans changed and she didn’t tell us) which meant meeting up with older kids.
GROUNDED

-Dh was supposed to pick her up and she wasn’t there or answering her phone because it was dead, it took her 20 minutes to to contact us on her friends phone then another 20 minutes to actually turn up.
EXTRA CHORES

-She’s supposed to hand her phone in at night which she has been doing but found out she’s been using her sisters old phone instead to message through the night.
NO PHONE FOR A WEEK

-she then last night climbed out of her bedroom window to meet her friend at our gate which we saw on our security camera. It looked like something was handed over during their short talk which she has denied.
PUNISHEMENT THAT HITS HARDEST FOR AT LEAST A WEEK

check your WiFi you can see if devices connected. Im suspecting she was given a phone

MellersSmellers · 05/08/2025 10:44

Grounding all summer is excessive and will.only encourage her to find ways round it, and likely lead to more conflict. I think 1 week is enough.
You need to sit her down and explain why you're concerned, what the rules are, and the fact that the more you can trust her the greater freedom she will have.

Abcmum34 · 05/08/2025 10:45

I wouldn’t go for grounding all summer. I was grounded for a whole year when I was 13 - I know that’s more extreme! But, it definitely didn’t stop the behaviours I was being punished for if anything it made me worse and I just learned to lie better and had a really difficult relationship with my mum. I don’t know what the answer is though!

BeachLife2 · 05/08/2025 11:47

Frankly I don't agree with snooping on teens' phones at all. It is an invasion of privacy and the equivalent of checking diaries.

I would far rather have an open and honest relationship where they know they can come to me with any issues they are having on or offline without fear of harsh punishments.

Ime teens with parents like the OP often end up having to be extremely secretive due to overbearing parents, which can cause serious issues if they do end up in trouble.

MoveOverToTheSea · 05/08/2025 11:54

@BeachLife2 i agree.
However, this is a teen who got up in the middle of the night to get an unknown packet. For me, unless this is cleared up, you’re getting into safety territory where checking a 13yo phone is ok (after telling her, explaining why etc…..)

I also feel that this is ok to do IF phone was given with the agreement that a parent might check it from time to time. Ie the teen will know it’s a possibiliy which is vastly different than going to read a diary that is supposed to be and stay personal.

BeachLife2 · 05/08/2025 12:10

@MoveOverToTheSea

I don't think the OP has any chance of getting to the bottom of what she was doing in the garden though, as her DH effectively has her under house arrest as it is.

The relationship seems to be based on restrictions and punishments rather than open communication, so there is no way her DD is going to open up about something like county lines.

Madamum18 · 05/08/2025 17:53

I think you need to sit down and talk to her:

1.Ask her to explain why she did each of those things. Listen without interrupting

Explain to her how things she did made you feel; how scared etc. Point out this in the context of you love her and want her to be safe AND you also want to trust her and for her to trust you. She must not interrupt.
Check her understanding of what you have said whilst acknowledging her perspective on her actions
Work out a way forward together whilst emphasising the non negotiable from you as the adult like:

No phone after ...o'clock...because. and no cheating on this because of building trust No climbing out of windows etc but agreed friends meet up ...days per week as a compromise .....etc etc.

Also clarify the consequences for the future if trust is broken again!!

NavyTurtle · 07/08/2025 16:44

becausesam · 03/08/2025 16:38

Well we though we had access to her phone every night which we would occasionally check but she’s been duping us by using a different one

Show quote history

Genius ! 😂

WendyA22 · 09/08/2025 18:40

becausesam · 03/08/2025 15:58

Dd(13) hasn’t had her finest week. To be fair to her, she’s polite and helpful at home, doing well at school and has never been in trouble before.

-She lied about where she was and who she was with ( or at least plans changed and she didn’t tell us) which meant meeting up with older kids.

-Dh was supposed to pick her up and she wasn’t there or answering her phone because it was dead, it took her 20 minutes to to contact us on her friends phone then another 20 minutes to actually turn up.

-She’s supposed to hand her phone in at night which she has been doing but found out she’s been using her sisters old phone instead to message through the night.

-she then last night climbed out of her bedroom window to meet her friend at our gate which we saw on our security camera. It looked like something was handed over during their short talk which she has denied.

Dh thinks she’s broken all trust and she should be grounded for the rest of the summer.
he has an older dd (my dsd) who had several traumatic experiences as a teen and so as a result tends to be overprotective and easily panicked.

I think 13 is a really important age for friendships, gaining responsibilities and pushing boundaries. If she’s isolated from her friends all summer its going to leave her out of the loop by the time school starts, lonely and depressed.

I also think if we ground her all summer when she eventually is allowed back out she’s going to be just be more sneaky and less likely to talk to us if she thinks we're likely to overreact.

Who is unreasonable? Him for wanting to ground her all summer or me for not? What would you do?

What do you think your relationship will be like with your daughter if you ground her for the whole holidays?

I think your husband probably wants to ground her so he knows where she is and she'll be safe.

I don't think grounding her for that long will help anything.

BooBooDoodle · 09/08/2025 18:51

Confiscate both phones. Buy her a basic phone, not a smartphone, so she can still contact you if she needs to but has no means of social media or app use. If she wants a different phone then she has to earn it. I’d be livid at the sneaking around and abuse of trust and you have to make her accountable. There are apps you can put on your phones to shut other phones down and monitor their usage if you don’t get her a basic phone. Google Family link or if on Apple, set her age to 12 and control her apps and usage from another iPhone under a family account. You can also zone off your internet and shut parts of the house down, ie kids rooms or upstairs and you can shut down smart TVs, tablets etc. worth looking into.