To ground dd(13) all summer?

[becausesam]

Dd(13) hasn’t had her finest week. To be fair to her, she’s polite and helpful at home, doing well at school and has never been in trouble before.

-She lied about where she was and who she was with ( or at least plans changed and she didn’t tell us) which meant meeting up with older kids.

-Dh was supposed to pick her up and she wasn’t there or answering her phone because it was dead, it took her 20 minutes to to contact us on her friends phone then another 20 minutes to actually turn up.

-She’s supposed to hand her phone in at night which she has been doing but found out she’s been using her sisters old phone instead to message through the night.

-she then last night climbed out of her bedroom window to meet her friend at our gate which we saw on our security camera. It looked like something was handed over during their short talk which she has denied.

Dh thinks she’s broken all trust and she should be grounded for the rest of the summer.
he has an older dd (my dsd) who had several traumatic experiences as a teen and so as a result tends to be overprotective and easily panicked.

I think 13 is a really important age for friendships, gaining responsibilities and pushing boundaries. If she’s isolated from her friends all summer its going to leave her out of the loop by the time school starts, lonely and depressed.

I also think if we ground her all summer when she eventually is allowed back out she’s going to be just be more sneaky and less likely to talk to us if she thinks we're likely to overreact.

Who is unreasonable? Him for wanting to ground her all summer or me for not? What would you do?

It sounds like she doesn't tell you things or hides things from you because you (or your DH) are going to say no. That is why you have to be realistic with boundaries at that age otherwise they just lie and respect goes out the window. Sit down with her and discuss boundaries that are acceptable. Allow her to do more and you may find she stays within the boundaries. It might mean that your DH has to be pushed out his comfort zone of what she is allowed to do but you have to be realistic. Grounding her for the whole summer is not going to work on any level.

I absolutely agree with this. My ex is the same and it has caused so much anxiety. for our kids. They are now young adults and have realised that the world isn't this big scary place where people are out to get them and they are finally happy again.

I don't agree with grounding children, and I think the age that OPs DD is she is going to be doing little things like these but nothing that she has done is in any way horrible. I would go very easy on her and focus on open communication and to build trust. It has always worked with mine and now they are comfortable telling me anything and everything, sometime more than I really need to know.

she then last night climbed out of her bedroom window to meet her friend at our gate which we saw on our security camera. It looked like something was handed over during their short talk which she has denied.

That would really worry me - and the lying though plans changing I'd be more relaxed about.

I'd take the phones for now - may also search her room but that could be harder and have more push back and cause more issues.

However I also agree with PP it's communication that's needed - is she in trouble what going on that a usually well behaved child is doing this - so a sit down series of talks and chance to earn back freedom.

Personally I think there should be puishment and communication and that's a fine line to find and does need both of you on the same page.

I would ground her, and move to strict curfews as the summer progresses, loosening the reins as she shows she can be trusted. Or indeed if she breaks it again, just ground her until further notice.
If she can’t behave like a responsible teenager, she’s treated like a child. Simple.

Have to agree with other PPs - time for the chat. You can explain about why you are worried. She can explain why she is doing things behind your back.
I’d look up some age appropriate videos too from the police and other related professionals that can illustrate your concerns so she doesn’t dismiss them as just your DH being over protective.
I wouldn’t ground her as that may just force her to feel she has no choice but to escalate the sneaking out and deception. You need to understand the ‘why’ of it.

I would remove her phone as she can't be trusted to use it safely- I would give her a very basic brick of a phone so that she can still message friends but with no internet access. This isn't a punishment as such, but a consequence until she can prove she can use her phone responsibly.

I was never a fan of grounding, as it always seemed to be as much of a punishment for DH and I as for DS. I would only use it as a last resort because (as you rightly say) the risk of rebellion is so great if you cannot police her 24/7

I think a frank conversation about how her dad wanted to ground her for the summer but you have managed to negotiate it down to one week on the basis that she does not break your trust again is the way to go. If you come down too heavy handed she’ll be angry and will continue down the sneaky route. If you reinforce that you WANT to be able to trust her and for her to enjoy some freedom, she’ll hopefully feel she’s had a lucky escape and will learn from this. Going through something similar myself right now, I can empathise. Teens are hard work xxx

Remove her phone for a couple of days. When is the big event? She needs to earn the right to go to that.

If your dh wants to ground get all summer then he needs to be there all summer.
Or is he expecting you to do it?

Why would you do that to yourself!!???

Think of different consequences.

this. I mean I think its harsh anyway but who is going to police this? Your DH?

Grounding for the a few weeks would be the bare minimum I would do here

This is intolerable behaviour pacified by a generation of gentle parenting fanatics.

What is the big trip and where? Can you trust her?

If you need to ground her for 5 weeks in order to get the point across, then I'd suggest that grounding is not a very effective consequence.

Give her a final warning and let her know what the consequences would be if the same behaviour continues. Grounded for a whole summer is too much given whats happened. Shes a teen and wants to be out with her friends let her know that you understand her and want her to have fun with friends and keeping her grounded isnt your intention but if you cannot trust her and reach her when you call then you will have no chance but to ground her.

I wouldn't call it grounding but I would be significantly reducing her opportunities to do this sort of thing. I would tell her she's shown me she's not ready to handle the level of independence we thought was appropriate and so she's going back to basics - home by say 5pm, no sleep overs, bedroom door open at all times. She can still see her friends but not to the extent she is mucking about like this.

Ummm. I think you need to ground for a week. Minimum and teach her about what can happen. Phoned downstairs at night. Show her some videos about phone addiction. Not sure about the package could be drugs, vape or post it notes.

We had a code of ‘how’s Boris?’ )the dog if I got that it meant on the phone or via text- I could go on life 360 and find her and pick her up - a text of it meant I could reply ‘Boris isn’t well. I really think as he’s your dog it would settle him if you were here’ so then she could leave without losing face.

Talk through emergency money in bra, how to de escalate etc

I wouldn’t ground her all summer but I’d want to know what she climbed out of the window to give her friend and I would say if she doesn’t tell you, she doesn’t go on this trip with her friends.

Reduced screen time and a conversation to see what the pressures are to be online/meet others at night. Your WiFi provider may have the facility to check devices which are using your WiFi. It sounds like she is under pressure to meet expectations from others, and the mention of her being passed something is concerning. I hope it is just that she is just not wanting to miss out on anything.

Its so easy for kids to feel out of the loop with friends, don't be the one who makes her feel that way.
Wifi of at X time, extra chores are much better.

Our job as a parent is to protect our children from the world it is to give them the skillset to (as much as anyone can) protect themselves.

And to create people who can live in harmony and respect others

an overhaul of what is acceptable behaviour but more realistic boundaries as to what is appropriate for her to be doing at 13 is what is needed

clear communication because some of her behaviour is completely unacceptable (and I have a 16 and nearly 13 year old) breaking trust isn’t on at all and needs consequences and if she ever breaks those again set our clearly what will happen (and I would go hard)

but then negotiate sensible boundaries

Grounding is a shit idea.

You absolutely need to know who she saw at night and what was handed over.
I suspect the late use of phone, unplanned meeting up with other friends, all of these are linked together.

I would ask her to show you her phone and her sister’s. You need to see the messages and see what’s going on. On both phones.
You need a discussion on the late night meet up (who, why, what)
And I’d tell her that until she has regained your trust, you’ll be tighter re rules - knowing where she is, earlier ‘curfew’, etc etc
I might tell her that you’ll have some system in place to know where she is (because you were so worried when she didn’t turn up ) etc….

What was her reaction when you finally got to her? Worried her dad would be angry, ashamed, really sorry? That would also dictate your response I feel.

Sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things already, ie chores/responsibilities, plenty of real life social interactions.
Like others have suggested rather than grounding I think tighter restrictions on WiFi/ phone would be better, WiFi off at certain times using router to restrict access on certain devices or block access to certain sites. As well as insisting the phone is not in her room overnight.

Connection before correction

Funnily enough 2 children of this age that I know have done very similar things recently..I think 13 is an age of risk taking...not seeing immediate consequences because of the desire of the brain for adventure and being peer motivated

Does your husband understand about the development of the teenage brain? Its a really huge developmental shift where evolution has designed them to push away from home and be focused on their peers.

Also they lose the ability to make sensible decisions because rhe brain is focusing on other changes...like toddlers