Are our teens not doing enough or are we expecting too much?

[Allromanticsmeetthesamefate]

Family of 5, 3 teen DD’s, one off to uni September, PT job but will generally doing any chores that are asked of her.

Other two DD’s are how shall we put it, lazy as shite!

Youngest is 14 is Autistic, has sensory issues so anything involving dishes, cloths, food is a no go. She home schools so spends the most amount of time at home and the most amount of time scrolling on her phone and not doing a lot, everything has conditions, mostly time, I’ll do in a minute, soon, I’ll get up at half past etc etc. she is pretty gross in terms of dishes, wrappers, mug concoctions, worn socks, everything will be left or stuffed down the side of the sofa where she is sitting.

DD16 really should be in the midst of trying to find a pt job as she is in the middle of 10 weeks of school due to exams ending early. She will do the bare minimum and never off her own back, doesn’t do her dishes, lift clothes from bathroom floor, run a hoover round for us coming home from school.

It’s worth saying that both girls have a very premium hobby that does take up a lot of time and work and they put a lot into it, but it’s worth saying it also costs a lot of money and is an absolute privilege.

They are also treated regularly, theatre trips, shopping days, sleepovers where we will open our house to lots of teenagers and run them about, concerts the list of endless.

I do not grudge it, I love that we can give them a lovely life but DH and I work hard to achieve it with me taking on extra hours recently to create a bit more income but we are becoming more and more resentful to lack of respect they show towards us and effort they put in to help us around the house and it’s creating an atmosphere, particularly as DH is losing his shit daily at us working hard and coming back to half bowls of soggy cereal on sofa, dogs not fed, sinks full of dishes and teenagers still loafing around the house is PJ’s.

What are the expectations for everyone’s teenagers? How much are they doing, should DD 16 be working across the hols, should I be penalising privileges, phones, tv remotes etc or are all teenage girls like this and we are expecting too much.

What does fair family life and chores look like in your house?

Also do family’s accept teenagers just eat whatever you like and whatever time? DD14 has no routine to her diet, she says she down to ike breakfast but will quite happily eat a chocolate biscuit if it’s available, she will then go straight on to more main meal type things at mid day or stretch to much later, declare she is hungry as has not eaten all day and eat 4 rounds of toast at 5pm and then turn up her nose at dinner. I’m not sure how we have got to this point. We were in such a set routine when they were younger, 3 meals, minimum snacks, not a lot of processed sugar in the house, proud that they all drank so much water but they seems to have evolved into sugar obsessed sloths and the battle of daily arguing to do anything about it has worn us all down.

I'd be withdrawing the 'premium hobby' for a start.

I can't believe you're spending so much money on these ungrateful little madams that you're having to find an additional source of income.

They're spoilt and you and their father are enabling them.

I think eating to a different routine in the school holidays is normal. However, all of them should be cleaning up their own mess as a minimum, putting clothes in the washing basket, etc and both of my DC have had part time jobs from 14 which funded at least some of the things they wanted.

Mine all had set jobs and if they didnt do them, then their privileges were cut. Not in any big dramatic way but just the next time they asked for something I refused as they werent pulling their weight in the house.

the only thing is to make sure the expectations for a job are very clear, so they cant skimp on it and call it done

we established the jobs list and the details of each job together as a family, then the 4 kids split up the jobs between each other on a weekly basis (owners of each job for the week were written on the fridge, so no backtracking) It taught them to plan ahead in terms of stuff they wanted to do or jobs etc and making that work with their chores.

the types of things that they were doing by 14 yrs were
clearing up the kitchen after dinner every night, loading dishwasher and running it
unloading dishwasher in the morning
own laundry
bins
cooking dinner 2 nights a week (and writing a shopping list in time for the online order)
putting the groceries delivery away
helping in the garden on an ad hoc basis
picking up their bedroom and bathroom before the cleaner came

Premium hobby is not as easy as stopping, it’s a lifestyle and comes with a lot of commitments that say stopping music lessons or giving up dance include.

It also keeps them very active and outside so although pricey wouldn’t want to restrict that though do realise something has to change in other areas of their lives.

I wonder if parents still remove phones/screens limit use, I feel like this is where the issue lies as they are just constantly on them.

Your problem has been letting them get to this age and not instilling a sense of responsibility in to them. To hope they magically hit teen and become different children is foolish. You have enabled them, you have to take responsibility for that.

Sit them down, tell them circumstances have changed and you need their help. Draw up a list of who is to do what and make sure they understand the “premium hobby” (just say what it is FFS!) is dependent on them doing their chores.

When you say they put a lot into the hobby, what does that involve?

And with the eating thing, mine can eat what they want (within reason) when they want. But have to keep it to the standard items I have for kids snacking (so they cant just demolish all the ham and cheese or the nice bread). Once they have cooked a couple of dinners for the family themselves, and know about the work that goes into it, you might find them being more thoughtful about snacking before dinner themselves. I also insist on them all sitting down for dinner with everyone that is home,even if they dont want to eat

The phones are not the issue. Teenagers have been too busy to do chores long before phones were a thing.

So I'm guessing the hobby is horses?

With the eating I would compromise that they eat dinner but can be more flexible about breakfast and lunch. And a list of tasks that need to be completed.

What is the 'premium hobby' OP,. I'm genuinely intrigued. Sounds like horses...

I think it’s hard to get a summer job these days unless you work in a tourist area.

I do enforce the regular eating times because we try really hard to prioritise having dinner at the table as a family still. But mine is a teenage boy a.k.a. a bottomless pit who can eat both between meals and then again at mealtimes... he does get bollocked if he eats right before dinner.

The rest just sounds like the natural state of a teenager, by which I mean, I think lots of teens default to this behaviour if you don't enforce something else.

It's a bit of a tightrope between needing to still have a good relationship with them, so not sweating the small stuff too much, but also remembering that it's our job to send them into the world knowing what a decent standard of living and how to actually do all that themselves. Plus, pitching in to do their bit so they know what that means and why they need to do it is important.

Start with a pep talk and explain what they'll not be getting if they don't do xyz on a regular basis, then follow through. Expect all out fall out until they settle into it.

They sound like normal teens, not particularly spoilt I wouldn't say, it's maybe just gradually slipped to a place you're not happy with whilst you were busy getting on with work etc.

If you want a higher standard that you and your H feel happy with then you just need to make the expectations clear and follow through until they get in line. It's in everyone's best interests really, they just won't see it that way.

In the holiday I generally write a list in the fam WhatsApp group in the morning and divide up chores for each, DD 1&2 will attempt…

To be fair on DD 1 she is generally running off to something and home is just a base for her atm but will help and would rather do any jobs on her own to get them done so she can get out.

DD2 will attempt but it’s the absolute bare minimum will no real effort put in, so chores aren’t complete, more mess on top of any tidied room because they will just left the their stuff at their arse and then will give you the whole I did do it, this morning, she is the most insular of the 3 and would literally spend the whole day on her phone scrolling, watching videos etc if she didn’t have to come out.

DD3 is hopeless and everything is a battle as her understanding is just so different to ours, theirs just so many conditions and problems that come from every request,

We live in Cornwall!! 😅

Sailing?

And I can and do turn off the wifi to get their attention. It works a treat. You will also want to make sure that they have phone plans that dont include unlimited data though. Clearly these limited ones are the cheaper phone plans which are the appropriate ones for kids that arent pulling their weight at home!!

I think hobbies and activities are essential, so I would absolutely keep that.
It's better they spend their time doing something useful for a start!

the most amount of time scrolling on her phone and not doing a lot,
that's easy, the phone goes!

should DD 16 be working across the hols
they both should. and cutting back extensively on screens

Can't - at least the 16- be more involved in her hobby? many teenagers at a great levels can start helping out with younger kids classes for example.

Can't they both do a bit of work around the hobby?

Teens do not understand how much money life costs. Nor are they (in general) grateful.

don’t stop the hobby. Consider cutting back on day trips etc because honestly most teens don’t care about that stuff and working extra hours for them is insane.

if you are getting resentful then drop the stuff they don’t care about.

at a similar age I got mine doing their own laundry (basket, Ikea bag and airer each) and also started teaching them to cook so they could cook a meal each at the weekend. (This is initially more time consuming not less).

most teens go through an unhealthy food stage. Don’t buy it yourselves from the family budget and then at least they are funding it themselves and aware of how much it costs. It won’t stop them - mine got good at finding Tesco deals on eg broken biscuits - but it does mean they are paying out of pocket money.

You are definitely not expecting too much.

At some point they are going to have to get jobs and earn money. Moreover, there are not going to be as many workplace adjustments in place for the younger DD that she might be used to, so it might be time to start easing her out of her comfort zone as much as her disabilities allow. If she can scroll her phone and do 'premium hobbies', then she can learn how to clean up after herself.

Our teens are a bit lazy
”friends coming over later”
“not with the front room like that they’re not”
”they’re teenagers mum they don’t care”
”but I do”
………
”it’s not a negotiation tidy the room or cancel friends”

socks, cups, wrappers come out, room gets hoovered - do the stairs whilst you at it

basically if they want something they have to do something for it

I would not tolerate stuff like socks being left all over. I summon mine mid activity to clear up if they left a mess. If they protest bye bye screens. Oldest is only 11 but I’d not tolerate it to spread their mess in communal areas for anyone whose lifestyle I bankroll. If they don’t like it they can move out once old enough. Just make it clear what you expect and what will happen if they don’t comply.

So yes premium hobby is horses, god forbid @BoredZelda i might want to keep a potential outing aspect of our life private white still wanting to give the thread context!!

They do work hard with them, we are on DIY livery and DD are up twice a day to do all their jobs in every weather, ride, train, out at weekends often competing. I think it’s why I have been softer on them in the house over years because they are really hardy, resilient, mostly tidy, capable when they are at they yard and it takes up so much time that often feel like they are doing the same amount of work as everyone else in not more.

It’s just the work is nothing to do with the house which they still live in and make a mess in and don’t respect and possibly all the frustration has been heightened because I am working more and they have such a long time loaf around the house doing not a lot.

When my teenage niece won’t do what is asked, my brother turns off the wifi from his phone. He says he hears the shrieks of outrage upstairs and my niece will come thundering down at which point he says get on with the washing up of whatever.

it doesn’t sound like your two girls have any respect or appreciation of you? I don’t believe in all this nonsense about teenagers naturally being lazy and selfish and moody. I’m one of four and we were not like that because our mum didn’t let us be. Or maybe she just got very lucky!

No, not expecting too much.
my teens are ok at doing chores but they hardly do them off their own back. I prompt, nag and yell til they’re done.
They do their own laundry which they’re good at when they realise they have no more clean socks or underwear.
eating wise, they get up late, make their own break fast and snack or eat during the day but they know we eat dinner every evening and are expected to eat together if they’re in.