Are our teens not doing enough or are we expecting too much?

[Allromanticsmeetthesamefate]

Family of 5, 3 teen DD’s, one off to uni September, PT job but will generally doing any chores that are asked of her.

Other two DD’s are how shall we put it, lazy as shite!

Youngest is 14 is Autistic, has sensory issues so anything involving dishes, cloths, food is a no go. She home schools so spends the most amount of time at home and the most amount of time scrolling on her phone and not doing a lot, everything has conditions, mostly time, I’ll do in a minute, soon, I’ll get up at half past etc etc. she is pretty gross in terms of dishes, wrappers, mug concoctions, worn socks, everything will be left or stuffed down the side of the sofa where she is sitting.

DD16 really should be in the midst of trying to find a pt job as she is in the middle of 10 weeks of school due to exams ending early. She will do the bare minimum and never off her own back, doesn’t do her dishes, lift clothes from bathroom floor, run a hoover round for us coming home from school.

It’s worth saying that both girls have a very premium hobby that does take up a lot of time and work and they put a lot into it, but it’s worth saying it also costs a lot of money and is an absolute privilege.

They are also treated regularly, theatre trips, shopping days, sleepovers where we will open our house to lots of teenagers and run them about, concerts the list of endless.

I do not grudge it, I love that we can give them a lovely life but DH and I work hard to achieve it with me taking on extra hours recently to create a bit more income but we are becoming more and more resentful to lack of respect they show towards us and effort they put in to help us around the house and it’s creating an atmosphere, particularly as DH is losing his shit daily at us working hard and coming back to half bowls of soggy cereal on sofa, dogs not fed, sinks full of dishes and teenagers still loafing around the house is PJ’s.

What are the expectations for everyone’s teenagers? How much are they doing, should DD 16 be working across the hols, should I be penalising privileges, phones, tv remotes etc or are all teenage girls like this and we are expecting too much.

What does fair family life and chores look like in your house?

Guessing the premium hobby is something like riding and you can't just stop owning a horse. What happens when you get cross with them?
It's a chore but is it worth sitting with the messy one for 30 minutes in their room each evening and guiding them in terms of clearing up?

We have 3 between 13 and 15, 1 autistic, 1 adhd and one with tendencies. There's a rota of chores, that they agreed and even signed haha! If they are not completed (and we only expect to remind them once, if at all as it's pretty long established) there's an impact on their allowance - This is in theory, we haven't had to implement this yet!

15 year old has no restrictions on phone but does moderate their use well, the other 2 do have restrictions as to time and time spent, the middle child is close to having restrictions lifted as they are moderating well most of the time, the youngest still needs help keeping usage in check.

One has sensory issues so hates the dishes, but they are welcome to, and do, swap chores amongst themselves. We have stepped in where there's been some blatant unfairness in the early days. They are responsible on 2 set evenings for evening dishes, laundering their bedding/towels and P.E kits, plus all evening pet care. Any jobs not completed to a reasonable standard will need repeating. They have Sundays off.

There are set mealtimes, even if they're making their own, ie lunch between 12-2 or you've missed it, so it's a snack until next meal. This is just to keep everyone on a loosely similar schedule, and prevent all day grazing from our 1 veggie-dodging picky eater. We're always happy to provide seconds at meal times or supper where a meal has been missed and hunger is claimed.

Before bed they are expected to skim the rooms they've been in through the day and remove any dishes/rubbish/chaos they've created. No food upstairs, only water bottles, room bins emptied every Saturday along with tidying, dusting and vacuuming rooms. They don't complain, and there's plenty of room for understanding and assistance if they are ill, have one off plans, (or broken fingers!) that make it tricky for them to complete their set evenings.

Screen limits are up for discussion with very good reason, but often result in an extra hour today = 1 hour less tomorrow.

It sounds pretty rigid written done, but feels much more harmonious day to day, and more like clear guidelines!

Screen time is a privilege - not a right. You get it when you've done all your other jobs, and only up to a certain time (and/or limit in hours).

One pre teen one teen here both do dishwasher, keep their rooms (relatively) tidy and take plates/ cups to kitchen after use. The teen will also do a wash ( of her clothes) now and again and they will both cook on request ( obviously basic stuff for the tween). Requests to help with other stuff ( taking stuff upstairs/ putting things away, hoovering) and generally met with resistance/ eye rolls/ big sighs or whines... We also have strops and the occasional tantrum.

Your DD16 sounds like my youngest (who is also ND but a bit older). I eventually realized that with them the key was always to put in an element of choice into requests for chores. Eg - do you want to do the Hoovering of fold the laundry? Also very important was not to insist on it being done straight away.

I never managed to get my DCs to do as much quite as I would have liked but I'm pleased to say that both DCs are very good at cleaning. They both worked as lifeguards and were expected to clean out loos, clean windows, mop floors etc. This job plus the rota system they use in the leisure centre for managing the cleaning meant that in shared student flats, they were both on charge of the cleaning rota and in both cases they lived in sparklingly clean places, where everyone chipped in but nobody had to do much.

I have to say though, due to being ND, my younger DC seems less emotionally mature so everything is a bit harder with them. I am currently helping them make arrangements for studying abroad for a term. I've had to get much more involved than I did with my older DC did they did a similar thing at the same age.

Stop working so many hours both of you and relax more at home instead. Put your feet up whilst the three girls whizz around with the hoover and mop. Don't knock your pan in for your DC.

We learnt the hard way. It's not worth it. They need to learn to pull their weight.

My eldest 18 has to help with shopping trips, run errands on request, we have a whiteboard rota in the hallway for duties like recycling and dog walking. They can all negotiate with each other if they need to swap days depending on their schedules. Others are 15, 9 and 7. No one should feel like an island. Everyone must work together.

Some children really do have natural motivation and get up and go

Others need it trained into them and some with an element of carrot and stick

If the carrot that is the most effective is screen time/outings/nice things/ premium hobbies then its your job as a parent, no matter how inconvenient it might be for you as a family, to remove those things until and unless their ability to balance their focus across various other responsibilities in their lives, is much improved.

Until then you cant expect to have all these things and not take responsibility for the slightly more boring and mundane stuff, because guess what - grown ups have to learn how to tolerate and get on with boring mundane stuff. Life isnt full of horse riding and theatre trips.

Stop giving them money, stop the premium hobbies, tell them to get jobs and if they don't start pulling their weight, they'll be out of the house when they turn 18.

DM had has a system for me and DB. Every morning before school I had to Hoover the entrance hall - took 3 or 4 mins. DB had to wipe out 2 wash hand basins. That started when I was 12.

We have a nearly 10 year old who helps to set and clear the table, puts all their toys / books / switch etc away once done with with it, always puts clothes in the washing basket and will put their own clean clothes away (the last one takes a bit of prompting)
They’ve started to make their own lunch etc which is great as they feel they have some autonomy

We’ve tried to set the expectation that we as a family are a team and everyone has to pull their weight (whatever that is) to make it work. We’ve had words a few times when the lip has come out that hobbies and treats are things we’re happy to pay for, but if they continue to be badly behaved or be an arse, I’ll rethink, and I’ve meant it

Well you're expecting too much in that you've let them get to this age and are now expecting them to behave in a way that you obviously haven't taught.

Sit them down and tell them what's expected. Next time it's not done just be firm and say until you're room or whatever is done then no friends round etc.

Mine know that at a minimum their rooms should be tidy, no dishes, dirty washing etc and if I'm out at work during holidays then by the time I get home dishes should be done and the hoover ran round.

My 14 year old hangs out washing, empties and fills the dishwasher, changes his own bed, puts washing on, hoovers. Has to be asked to do it and it often invokes eye rolls, but he does it?!

Its time to put your foot down.

The very least they can do is not make a mess, and tidy up after themselves. That's basic respect.

Fair enough you prioritise their hobby, I do, but they shouldn't give you more work.

If they can get themselves organised enough to deal with the horses then they can get themselves organised to deal with a limited number of household tasks most of which can be completed in minutes rather than hours.

Use this as an explanation of exactly why they will be expected to complete their allocated chores and to show more reasonable behaviour around the house, eg general tidiness of personal belongings . Remind them that the care and wellbeing of the horses in obviously non negotiable, but your involvement in getting them to events is very much up for negotiation.

They sound spoilt and tbh you are not really preparing them for adulthood by pandering

I’d stop them competing as it has no impact on horse welfare, withdraw WiFi or withdraw finance for other stuff (outings,phone etc) for their non compliance in clearly set expectations.

My DD is 22 now but at 15 had a part time job in a cafe and was then expected to pay towards livery costs, fees, farrier etc for her pony as well as to help out with basic jobs in the house, she has always had a very good work ethic but it was a battle getting her to help at home as she was always tired from school/work/yard. When she was 16 she worked pretty much full time all summer and then all through college to save for uni.
Eventually the pony did fall by the wayside as she just could not manage to keep everything going so I loaned him out and just kept my horse. It's a tough age and one where teens do need to start to understand a little bit of real life pressure and the decisions and sacrifices that have to be made.
She's just graduated and moved home, once she's in a proper job (PGCE first) she wants to get a horse again which is absolutely her choice as she will be paying for it, in the meantime she helps with mine.

With the horses do they treat them well, do the horsey jobs to a good standard? If yes then it’s possible for chores too. It’s just and issue of perspective and level of importance in their minds maybe?
With the meals id really encourage some independence in learning to make meals and contributing to family meals in making them. Especially for your autistic DD. It’s a great skill for the future. My autistic dc would forget to eat but that just causes issues. So it’s better to have eating windows. Good luck. Teens are tricky.

There are plenty of jobs for 16 year olds (and younger) if they actually WANT to work. People who don't want to work will always find excuses not to get a job.

15 year old and 18 year old here....
You have very low expectations currently imho.
Ours have to clean up after themselves, contribute to the household by cooking and washing etc and also have set 'jobs' (recycling, cutting grass, walking dog etc). Both work too (15 year old only pet sitting so far as no jobs around here for under 16's). There have been moments where we have had to lay down the law a bit. But both DH and I work full time hours in demanding jobs. I am buggered if I'm coming home after a full day at work to dirty dishes and a pent up dog..... I'm not their house maid and they have to learn to live in a functioning household.

I think turning off the WiFi is a good consequence and will actually maybe help keep them accountable to each other as well.

Your dd 14 if capable of living independently will need to find strategies to manage her sensory issues so she can still maintain her home. Eg noise cancelling headphones when hoovering, using a particular fabric for cloths (possibly cut up squares of old clothing she's finished with and felt comfortable wearing), one of the scrubbers that means you don't have to put your hands all the way into the sink - there will probably be a bit of trial and error but it would be good to explore with her now what actually works for her before she's older. Alternatively she takes the lead on tasks that don't cause her discomfort like feeding the dogs or generally straightening things up/folding laundry etc since tasks can be split between you all.

I think you need to lay out clear expectations- x task, completed in x way, by x deadline or WiFi goes down.

I don't think you're expecting too much.

I wouldn't be surprised if they think they are really responsible and pulling their weight doing thankless tasks... because they do so at the yard. Maybe they've compartmentalised their home lives and their riding lives, and forget that just because they've mucked a load of s**t out of stable doesn't mean they have pulled their weight at home.

When I am reading similar threads what surprises me the most is that OP usually think they have absolutely no way of putting pressure on their children to do anything. At the same time children do not work, so they don't have they own money, have expensive hobbies that usually require somebody driving them to attend and have plenty of electronic equipment.

I never thought of my own parents as very strict, but my allowance would have been cut and my extracurriculars would have not been paid (or I wouldn't have been driven to them) had I behaved in similar way.

For DD2 and DD3, I suggest that you tidy a given room to the required standard once yourself, then take a photo of it and give the photo to them. The task is then "when I get home at X O'Clock this room must look like this" and you can also offer some prompts for things that this might include, like picking up from the floor/sofa, hoovering etc.
That is a lot more clear as a way of communicating exact expectations and allows a certain amount of autonomy in how/when they achieve it - but cuts out any "I tidied this morning but then it got messy again" nonsense.

I think that people do not appreciate what teenage girls with ASC are like. They're not just being spoilt or lazy.

Can you draw up a list of daily jobs that must be done or there will be a consequence? You dont have to go nuclear re the hobby but something like lifts or sleepovers etc cant happen if they can't walk dog and keep house tidy. But make it very clear what you mean by keeping house tidy etc . What the expectations are etc

Dh and I did loads for our dcs. They also had expensive hobbies. They helped a bit around the house. I was very easy going as a mum, nothing like some of the posts here. I couldn't have given a monkeys what their rooms were like as long as they brought plates and cups down. If they wanted to live in a mess then they could, I didn't care if it was in their own rooms. They all grew up to be lovely self sufficient, organised young adults with good jobs. They are and always have been good company.