Are our teens not doing enough or are we expecting too much?

[Allromanticsmeetthesamefate]

Family of 5, 3 teen DD’s, one off to uni September, PT job but will generally doing any chores that are asked of her.

Other two DD’s are how shall we put it, lazy as shite!

Youngest is 14 is Autistic, has sensory issues so anything involving dishes, cloths, food is a no go. She home schools so spends the most amount of time at home and the most amount of time scrolling on her phone and not doing a lot, everything has conditions, mostly time, I’ll do in a minute, soon, I’ll get up at half past etc etc. she is pretty gross in terms of dishes, wrappers, mug concoctions, worn socks, everything will be left or stuffed down the side of the sofa where she is sitting.

DD16 really should be in the midst of trying to find a pt job as she is in the middle of 10 weeks of school due to exams ending early. She will do the bare minimum and never off her own back, doesn’t do her dishes, lift clothes from bathroom floor, run a hoover round for us coming home from school.

It’s worth saying that both girls have a very premium hobby that does take up a lot of time and work and they put a lot into it, but it’s worth saying it also costs a lot of money and is an absolute privilege.

They are also treated regularly, theatre trips, shopping days, sleepovers where we will open our house to lots of teenagers and run them about, concerts the list of endless.

I do not grudge it, I love that we can give them a lovely life but DH and I work hard to achieve it with me taking on extra hours recently to create a bit more income but we are becoming more and more resentful to lack of respect they show towards us and effort they put in to help us around the house and it’s creating an atmosphere, particularly as DH is losing his shit daily at us working hard and coming back to half bowls of soggy cereal on sofa, dogs not fed, sinks full of dishes and teenagers still loafing around the house is PJ’s.

What are the expectations for everyone’s teenagers? How much are they doing, should DD 16 be working across the hols, should I be penalising privileges, phones, tv remotes etc or are all teenage girls like this and we are expecting too much.

What does fair family life and chores look like in your house?

I would not put up with that from teenager. She is 14 and she sweeps the floors of the main living areas (kitchen, lounge, hallway) every day, empties the dishwasher every day. She does the dishes 4 evenings a week during term time (during the summer she's been doing every weekday). She takes the bin out whenever she's asked to and puts the washing machine on when she comes home from school. She gets 20 euros a month pocket money for this and if she doesn't do her jobs she loses her pocket money - this incentive works very well!

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour OP

Growing up, my siblings and I had to do daily chores until 12 noon so that's the hoovering, sweeping floors, dishes, help with meal prepping, laundry, clean the bathrooms. This was all on our days off and during the holidays.

After that we were free to go out, or do whatever we wanted to do - watch TV etc. yet we still had to clean up after ourselves throughout the day.

It might be cultural; we never paid for anything as long as we lived with our parents but we had to cook taking it in turns and do chores, even any DIY jobs such as painting the house, gardening etc.

I currently have a two year old who loves to 'help clean' and before bed she is learning to tidy her playroom and put all the toys in the rest of the house away, I am trying to get the one year old involved too.

We all eat the same meals, if they don't eat it then they can have milk, yoghurt or some toast before bed because I don't want them to sleep hungry.

Edit: Try and see what works with your children to get them to do more, never be harsh x

I agree with you. But also, because I could see my parents worked hard and loved us, I helped out without being asked. Eg I remember my parents rushing out to a party and leaving all the clearing up from dinner. My mum didn’t ask us to but my brother and I cleared up so they didn’t have to deal with the mess when they got home. Same for automatically hanging out the washing if the cycle finished and my parents weren’t home.

My 9 year old has a time consuming hobby. She and DS(7) who is slowly ramping up in the same hobby. Are responsible for clearing the table, emptying and filling the dishwasher and are expected to keep their rooms tidy. DD is also expected to put her clean laundry away (I only do it for DS because he can't quite reach everything properly). They also do a 10 minute tidy right before bedtime to make sure the play room/living room/garden is free from anything they have played with or abandoned around the house. I think as teenagers they'll be expected to do more!

We also have horses. The one that does the horses doesn't have to do chores in the house as we keep our horses at home and its bloody hard work, much harder than loading a dishwasher. Our actual house is messy but the stables are immaculate 😆

I think clear and simple expectations and boundaries are reasonable.
eg If you make food - you clear up after yourself

We do not allow food upstairs at all. Can eat in the lounge but must take plate etc back to kitchen and ( ideally) put in dishwasher.

I used to have a specific shelf of food that was fair game for snacks - plus fruit/ crisps. Rubbish to go in the bin. Eat what you like when you like within reason but still expected to help with ( & eat) evening meal.

Yours are all old enough to bring their laundry down ( and probably put a wash on). It is interesting to see how running out of clean underwear focusses the mind….

The time for discussion is not in the heat of the moment - better at the end of a meal and some calm explanation of what you as parents need. Maybe hand them the issue to resolve? But the answer can’t be that you do it all.
Maybe ask them what they agree the sanctions for non compliance will be?

Good luck - it is a minefield- but you are right to want to raise the bar.

That won’t go far these days! I think you need to double that amount!

It goes far enough and she can always earn more by doing extra jobs - she earnt an extra 20 this month by doing some maths and literacy work with her little brother to help prepare him for school, and she can earn more by babysitting.

Quite simple. If they want dinner they have to wash the pots. No snacks before dinner or you don't cook them anything. Stop pandering to them and they will soon realise how good they have it. Yes I'm the mum of teenage boys and I too have found things in strange places!! My sons do the washing up, cooking, load the washing machine and run the hoover. Its called working together as a family. Keep spoiling them they will keep on taking. Yes they get up when they like in the holidays but still get their jobs done