To make my 15yo pay me back for a phone she broke out of anger?

[LexGold]

DD15 smashed her phone last night in a temper. We’d had an argument (nothing massive, just the usual teenage attitude over being asked to come off TikTok and help with dinner) and she stormed off, then chucked her phone at her bedroom wall. It’s completely knackered now.

She’s now begging for a new one before school starts, says she “needs” it to stay in touch with friends. I’ve told her she can buy a new one herself using her savings, birthday money and wages from her Saturday job.

She’s not exactly thrilled. Says I’m being unfair and that none of her friends’ parents would make them do this. Apparently I’m the only one who’s “making their child suffer” (her words).

I told her if she’d dropped it by accident I wouldn’t expect her to pay for it, but she made the choice to throw it. I didn’t shout, I just said this is what happens when you destroy something valuable out of anger. Actions have consequences.

She’s now stomping around saying she’ll be “cut off from the world” and it’s “social isolation” (🙄).

AIBU for sticking to my guns on this? Or should I just give in and replace it for her?

Destructive behaviour has consequences and yes, buying the item with your own money is one of them.

Her suffering is the direct consequence of her actions. She uses her own money to replace it, simple.

I have a Nokia smartphone. Had it almost six years and it's brilliant. Nokia don't only make brickphones (and wellies!).

Actions have consequences and that is a valuable lesson to learn. Stick to your guns.

I was thinking of the non-smart variety, to be honest. I had one that survived being frozen in a block of ice and being run over by traffic. (Lost it Christmas Eve; found on the 27th or 28th.)

It was still working, but the ringer had expired.

She’s now stomping around saying she’ll be “cut off from the world” and it’s “social isolation” (🙄).

Oh, well. That sounds like a Her Problem.

The “social isolation” etc is a direct consequence of her smashing her phone up. Entirely her decision to do that, you didn’t make her do it.

I’d respond to every whinge with “yes it’s a shame you smashed your phone up isn’t it? If only you hadn’t, you’d still have a phone”.

DS had a tantrum aged 7 and unintentionally kicked the toilet roll holder off the wall (obviously the kick was deliberate, but I don’t think he was expecting it to come off the wall). I made him buy another one out of his pocket money, and the iPad went away for a week. He accepted that was a natural consequence, so I’m sure a fifteen year old can.

Exactly. She smashed her phone up and now she regrets doing it. All very sad, but nothing to do with you.

No guarantee covers throwing it against the wall. And insurance fraud isn’t the lesson to be taught here.

Firm agree with OP on her line of action.

Context: I have grown children but followed the rules of gentle parenting before my time. My kids have worked out fine.

I absolutely agree that no new phone is bought - she has to pay herself. I would however be careful about "responding to every whinge" with a reminder. I would just give a few shrugs. Give a meaningful "look". Then just not say anything at all. Let her get over herself. If she calms down she might start helping with dinner because she knows she has to win some brownie points.

I'm not sure what I would do if she finds a kind friend who has an old phone that she can borrow indefinitely. Does the wifi password need changing now without letting her know the code - or is that rubbing salt in the wound? I wonder what others think.

Don't give in. She needs to learn life lessons.

Totally stick to your guns. She broke it out of anger, she has to pay, it’s a lesson learned and she definitely won’t do it again.

I did similar recently with a T-shirt for my ds. It’s a design he absolutely loves and is gutted he’s outgrown it, I found the newer released version and bought him it as a surprise, he was overjoyed, very thankful etc he went out with friends that day and absolutely ruined it, not intentionally, he just doesn’t think that way.

I grew up very poor and we had things ‘for best’ (which is absolutely my issue) but when he came home I was so upset and he was just so blasé about it. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just wash it and it’d be fine but it was a pure white t-shirt and it was genuinely wrecked. He asked if I’d buy him another then and I could have, I could it afford it no problem but out of principal I said no.
There was no argument or anything but he was surprised I’d said no. He is autistic so he finds these things tricky. That evening he came downstairs with cash for a new one and an apology and I was genuinely dumbfounded as, like I say, he normally wouldn’t connect the dots as to the reason I was upset or why I wouldn’t just immediately replace it.

I think you’re doing the right thing op. No way I’d replace without some sacrifice from your dd.

My friend’s ds smashed an iPad to pieces throwing it and jumping up and down on it in anger. His parents bought him a new one the next day! No lesson learned there at all!

Clear case of FAFO. You throw your things, they break, too bad, so sad.

She broke it on purpose having a tantrum, she has to replace it.

The only thing I would be doing to help is offer her some money to do more chores around the house.

I usually feel sorry for teesm when parents give them expensive phones and don't insure them, then make them pay when they inevitably lose or drop the phone accidentally.

I feel sorry for the teens in these situations because it is inevitable that a phone will get lost or cracked screen when teens are involved.

However, in this situation throwing her own phone is not inevitable and insurance or not, it's definitely her own fault.

(Well unless the argument was more like abuse which led to affecting the reen so much, but I'm not saying that here op, just adding the caveat for anyone reading this in the future.)

Have done the same myself. 1 broken screen and they are paying for replacements themselves. Have dropped my own phone countless times (and same case) and it never smashes, I don't actually understand how they manage it.

you are right to make her pay.

Nope don't replace the phone. Why should you when she broke it in a fit of temper?

She won't learn anything if you do. If she has pay for a new phone out of her own money I bet she will think twice before throwing that one!

Her behaviour is disgusting. Entitled little madam!
If you replace her phone you’re teaching her nothing. You are doing exactly the right thing. Do not cave, it will make her behaviour worse!

She has learned an important lesson that is every action or reaction has a consequence. Out of temper she threw her phone and broke it. Meaning she either has no phone or she saves and buys a new one. Do not give into this.

Stick to your guns. My youngest broke a lamp through complete carelessness when he was 8 and I told him the £20 I was going to spend on something for him would now go towards the lamp (it was about £30 to replace). He saw the fairness of it and it made a noticeable difference. So a 15yo can definitely cope!

YANBU.

DS1 smashed his phone screen when he threw an Xbox controller down on his bed in anger, not realising his phone was right there. His options were to save up to pay the excess for the insurance to repair the screen, or save up to buy a new phone. We had lots of complaining but he asked for money for Christmas and birthday and bought himself a new phone. He used the one with the smashed screen for quite a while before he could afford a new one.

If she's completely knackered it, she'll have to do without a phone, or have an old style brick which she can pay for. Maybe next time she's angry she'll learn to control it a bit better. Don't give in on this one OP, she's old enough to understand that actions have consequences.

My 6 year old dropped her tablet in anger because I'd asked her to turn it off, it was fine but I warned her if she did it again and it broke she'd pay for it out of her own money - I meant it even at 6.
At 15 she'd be going out to buy it herself as well...

100% you are doing the right thing. Plus if you change your mind now she knows she can have a strop & get what she wants.

She can take her earnings to cex to get a replacement

Stick to your guns.

I would be reminding her that I don't HAVE to do anything about this as it's entirely her fault, and if she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to start behaving like one.

I would be proactive in that I would suggest she looks at repair or second hand.

IF she calmed down and reacted in a more positive manner, then I would meet her half way and offer to help with cost of repair or second hand. But if she carried on with the dramatics then I would just leave it be.