Online Dating Amber Flags

[Aquarius1234]

Is someone asking what your looking for or asking if your looking for a long term relationship, an Amber flag?

It unsettles me when someone asks me that within 2 messages. Or more.

Nope, not at all a flag. Saves wasting time if you have an idea of what the other person is looking for.

No

No I don’t think so, it’s best to know you are looking for the same things, rather than waste time chatting to someone you’re not compatible with.

Isn't it a lazy pointless question. It takes me a long time to know anyone be it new friend or potential dating then longer for anything serious long term.

It feels annoying and almost negative when something asks that.
Plus what if I dont know what exactly I'm looking for.

Is it bad / lazy conversation skills and guys with little patience asking that?
I like things to happen naturally.
Feel like giving up again after a long break.

For context I have put open to dating/ long term or friends within text profile.

What I dont like is if someone asks what your green and red flags are. It appears to me like they are wanting to moderate or change their behaviour until they have got you hooked on.

Asking what you are looking for though seems fine to me- I'd much rather a guy who was just looking for a bit of fun knew to avoid me because I want something with a potential future. That just seems respectful on his part- he isn't there to waste my time

Yes we could list lots of amber or red flags..

I don’t think that’s a bad question at all? Honestly the fact that you don’t know what you’re looking for and don’t want to discuss it would be a red flag to me.

You’ve put multiple options in your profile and they clarify which one you actually want? That’s a sensible question.
You sound far too annoyed to date. Step away and spend some time focussing on yourself.

You could still be really not compatible with them regardless. They are a random stranger.
I dont bother with anyone looking for casual flings. But that's easy to spot.
I dunno if never ends or begins well when I get that question. Hmm

Is it not okay to say you are happy with new friends if for example no chemistry or whatever.

I dont think they expect you to predict whether you’d be compatible enough for a long term relationship, but some people are on the apps with the goal to find a long term partner and some are there to find something casual. Knowing what the other person ideally is looking for makes sense before you start talking.

When I say compatible I mean if they are looking for a quick fling, and you’re not then you are not compatible.

When I was on OLD, I was looking to find someone to marry and have children with etc. I wasn't aiming for anything short-term.

Some men were only looking for short-term fun. We wouldn't have been compatible.

I would see someone confirming what you are looking for as a green flag. It's good to make sure you are on the same page. It doesn't mean you have to commit to them.

Not amber flag at all. If anything, it is a green flag.

Anyone who asks that, knows exactly what they want. Whether it's a decent relationship, or just casual dating without commitment.

Saves you time wasted on wrong people.

If they don't ask, then how do they know? They aren't asking if you're looking for a long term relationship with them specifically, they are asking in general. If they only want a quick fling and you want marriage then there's no point in even starting to talk - so asking you up front saves time all round, surely?

I would see it as a red flag if someone I was chatting to didn’t know what they were looking for.

Maybe that’s why I’m not getting anywhere, because I ask that question 😂

I'm a walking red flag on MN then 😂

🚩Never had a partner
🚩Curious and open, but not dead set on looking for anything specific

Probably why I didn't have much luck when I used apps!
Obviously never mentioned the first thing but didn't realise that selecting the "not sure" option was making me unattractive!

Oh wow your picky.
I won't bother booking a table for two with you next weekend then! Lol

But you do know what you are looking for though OP? You are not looking for a casual fling.

I’m messaging someone and due to meet him tomorrow, I told him I would meet him in the car park and we can walk to the coffee shop together it’s about a 5 minute walk, but he’s said no, it’s not very gentlemanly of him he can’t have a lady waiting in a car park. I could look at this two ways he’s genuine and out to impress me, or he’s nice for now and not who he says he is 🤷‍♀️

Well, it's a question I would ask very quickly! Because loads of men on OLD seem to either want casual sex/sexting pen friend, or immediate serious commitment leading to marriage, and neither of those appeal to me ....

If somebody says they don't know, I would ask them to say q bit more about that - what are the possibilities....

But no, to me not a red or amber flag at all - more an effort not to waste time.....

@Aquarius1234 i don’t why the Q has annoyed you so much tbh.

I’d just respond with what you’ve told us already so just re-emphasise your profile that you’re “open to dating/ long term or friends” and so at this early stage can’t say for definite.

Though to me it’s a green flag since I think some men are there for casual flings and some for LT so no harm in them maybe wanting to know this upfront so they’re not wasting either of yours time.

Good luck anyway - you couldn’t pay me to go back onto OLD - still traumatised from 10 years ago!

I don’t think it’s a bad question at all. In fact, it’s probably the most normal/common question to ask (or at least try to figure out) when you start dating someone. You want to be on the same page surely?

It isn’t anything negative- they are just asking if you are looking for friends, a fling or long term relationship. Not with them - just in general:

I met DH OLD so we must have done something right