Online Dating Amber Flags

[Aquarius1234]

Is someone asking what your looking for or asking if your looking for a long term relationship, an Amber flag?

It unsettles me when someone asks me that within 2 messages. Or more.

What do you want them to ask you.
You look nice = pervert.
What you looking for on here = strange.
Saw your profile you look interesting and fun im bob = moving to fast.
You looking for fun or long term = sex pest.
And many more.

I’m with you, OP, I think it’s a weird question and cuts to the heart of why online dating doesn’t work on the whole. You wouldn’t go round asking what everyone wants up front IRL.

Oh right okay. Sometimes feel like im being put on the spot.
It would be good if I could tailor what I'm looking for depending on who's asking.
But I also dont want to say. Well a relationship long term but that's unlikely in the grand scheme of things.
I sometimes feel I have to judge a profile/ person too soon when they ask that. Or that they are already judging me.
Im maybe over thinking things.

"I'm not looking for a casual fling. Ideally I'd like to find a long-term relationship"

Yes its just not a great line to say. As depending who's asking I dont know.
Also its not an open question.
Fine someone asked if I'm looking for friendship or a relationship. But it could be either.

But even when I definitely wanted a relationship, I still found it direct.
Like someone asking what I think of them after a 1st meet/ date. Sorry its too soon to ask that.
It just shows they dont want to do things at a natural pace or just after one thing.
It's hard to put into words.

Well maybe that's the issue then as to why you dont like the question- because you dont have a set thing you are looking for, so you dont know how to answer it.

I don't think it's an amber flag. It saves you both wasting time if you have different expectations.

Are you looking for a long term relationship?

Don't know how to answer that. Yes maybe with the right person. Also open to new friends also.

It's like the conversation has died already.

I didn’t realise there were amber flags. But no, wouldn’t bother me. Best to set out your stall on dealbreakers at an early stage. I think DH and I talked about our view of having kids on our second date.

I am open to dating/ long term or new friends for sure.

Sent..

Yes maybe with the right person. Also open to new friends also.

Maybe the question doesn’t work for people in certain situations - because I’ve been/am in this situation where I’d like friends, family, a relationship, and wouldn’t mind some sex along the way if a good relationship is going to take ages to find - anything deeper than colleagues and emotionally abusive/distant family would be good tbh!

But if you’re honest about that, you risk sounding needy/a loser etc, and if you say you want sex you risk losing the people who would be good for a long term relationship, and if you say you want a long term relationship you can go through the whole dating rigmarole over and over and not necessarily find something that feels right. Minefield.

If you like things to be a bit more organic then you are not compatible with anyone asking this question. If someone is looking for a long term relationship then they probably won't want to meet to see if you get along as friends, they are not on a dating site looking for friendship.

There is nothing wrong with different approaches, either knowing what you want or being less certain. You have already posted a perfect reply to the question so I'm not sure why it bothers you.

Q. Are you looking for a long term relationship?
A. Yes, with the right person.

If the person you are messaging doesn't like that answer then they are not for you and that's good to know, it will both of you wasting time.

Then say you don’t know. It’s quite simple.

Why should someone waste their time on you if they’re actively looking to settle down with someone meaningful and you’re not, or vice versa?

Your way of dating can be your way but you should respects others’ ways of dating.

’Looking for friends‘ would turn me absolutely cold with dating. What’s the point?

It's already written on profile. It's harder to date these days. But I'm fine with friends. Too many are looking for very specific things in a romantic partner.

Thanks.
I know what you mean. Somehow women aren't allowed to be unsure. Lol
But seriously it shouldn't mean someone is unreliable or not wanting to meet up in real life several times. Just cos they aren't quite sure.

You are allowed to be unsure, but I am sure it would put a lot of people of if you are not entirely sure what you are looking for.

I agree..I'm at the age where I could be fussy or not fussy.
But I'm open and honest about being up for friendship or serious dating.
Im not gonna wait 2 / 5 / 10 years for a the right fit relationship when I could have found a couple of good friends in the mean time that live 1/ 2 hours away for example. Meaning a relationship wouldn't really work long term.
But we have chat and meet occasionally and do stuff if we have similar interests.
Also I don't like cats. But I could be having a decent chat with a guy with 3 cats who also happens to be free and a bit lonely.
He knows I won't go to his house. For a start he lives miles away. But id maybe meet up with him as a potential mate.
Tho he probably would still be thinking could this lead somewhere. Even though I literally messaged him not on a dating site.
And it was for a mutual interest at some point.
Anyway there is also the fact people have various issues or small health problems . Which can play into a romantic relationship.
Basically when your late 30/ 40/ 50s etc
It's not the same as being 25 and just being free to jump into a few dates and be bf/ gf.

Nice to know someone else just wants a bit of conversation more than small talk at work or the ups and downs of family relationships.

I got a normal response back and what he's looking for ideally.
Then small talk weekend plans.
Then a have you been married ??

He definitely has.

You are absolutely allowed to be unsure. You seem to be having trouble with the idea that some people don't want to pursue anything with someone who is unsure because they know they are looking for a LTR.

It's quite entitled to expect someone to arrange to meet you so you can decide if you like them before you are willing to say what you are looking for.

I dont bother with anyone looking for casual flings.

Surely that’s what you say? That you’re looking for a LTR or marriage and not a casual hook up?

I don't think you're going to find a lot of men on dating sites who are open to just being friends, unless it's FWB.Also you can't really answer the 'what are you looking for?' question with 'well, I'd like a relationship but only if you're six foot three, built like Chris Hemsworth, hotter than hell and with plenty of money'. So you need to be a little bit circumspect anyway. Any hint of you not knowing what you want and they will be circling like sharks at the hint that they might get sex from someone.

I'd recommend that you just arrange to meet for a coffee and that way you'll find out a lot more about them. Messaging is really just to establish contact.

Yeh maybe true.
If your not my type a long term relationship won't be happening and I don't see the point in flings. But I'm desperate enough for new mates.

They're not asking you to decide on the spot if you want to marry them in particular 🤣🤣
It's just a general feeler question.
If one is looking fot children and marriage, and the other is simply looking to have some dates, then there's no point putting effort into extending communications is there, surely you can see this?

Indeed. But you still need dates either way. I could lie or they could lie about wanting a long or short relationship.